Sue P 67

Lost my boyfriend to cancer, the love of my life

21 posts in this topic

In December 2016 a long time friend of mine (whom I hadn't seen in person in over 20 years) posted on Facebook that she had a friend that was a single dad, lonely after a recent breakup of a bad relationship & looking for a special woman to spend the holidays with.  I was in the same boat having been divorced just under 2 years and ended a bad rebound relationship a few months earlier, so I messaged her and asked what he liked to do.  We chatted for a few minutes, I saw his picture and decided...sure, he's cute, a good dad, sounded like a nice guy...I'd love to meet him so I gave her my phone # to share with him.  He called me the same day.  After talking on the phone a few times, we decided to meet 2 days later for coffee.  Before we met that morning, he called me and explained that he didn't look like the picture on his facebook...that he was undergoing cancer treatments but was stage 1 and doing great.  The catch...he had major surgery earlier in the year to remove the cancer from his face, cheekbone and lost an eye and half of his pallette in the process.  I thought to myself, ok, no biggie, we're just going to become friends and hang out anyway so why not?

Well...we met and talked for 5 hours sitting on a bench in the mall.  He was funny, sweet, kind, obviously loved his children, a successful businessman and quite charming.  His positive attitude about his cancer and how he was going to beat it, was contagious.  He made me laugh like I hadn't laughed in a very long time.  So we set up a date for a few days later and I fell head over heals for this man.  He was everything I have always wanted in my life partner.  We fell in love very quickly and we knew we would build a future together for ourselves and our children.  We made plans.  He was 45, I am 49.  He had 2 daughters living with him, 12 & 14 and I have a son 12 years old as well.  We couldn't have been more perfect for each other.

We spent every minute possible together all through the rest of December and January and then on Jan. 27th, his doctors told him the chemo wasn't working anymore and his cancer was aggressive...it was stage 4.  They had a new oral drug to try but no promises but had hoped it would give him some time and shrink the tumors so that he could possible be able to have surgery.  To make a very long story short...on March 10th, he was told there was nothing more they could do and he had 2-3 months left to live.  We were both devastated.  WE JUST FOUND EACH OTHER!  We had too many memories to make!  This can't be right!  We cried together on that day and then going forward just got back to positive thinking and remembered that miracles happen every day.  He deserved a miracle and he WOULD get it.

We spent the next 3 weeks together...the tumors grew inside his mouth so he was unable to eat solid food so his mom and I made him protein shakes, soups, gave him everything possible to get nutrition into his body.  He was still fighting every single day.  He got an infection and it just would not go away.  

I lost the love of my life on April 1st after less than 4 months together.  I am truly heartbroken and have no idea how to move on with my life.  I have never felt a pain like this and I miss him so very much.  His life was cut way too short.  

I have so much to be grateful for, our time together, his family embraced me and knew we were in love.  So many have said "we wish you had met 15 years ago!"  (Me too!!!)   They thanked me over and over for being so kind and loving to them and him throughout all of this.  He was a strong man....all I did was make him smoothies and cuddle with him to sleep as many nights a week as I could (we didn't live together).  I was with him every minute I could be while he was in the hospital his last week doing his favorite thing...cuddling.  I was there, holding his hand & rubbing his head when he took his last breath along side his parents and siblings.  He died knowing he was truly and completely loved.  

It's been almost 3 weeks and I still can't stop crying...I watch the video he made where it says I was a blessing at least 3-5 times a day and cry my eyes out but I need to hear his voice, see his face and hear him say my name.  I have a pillow from his bed that I sleep with and cuddle (that was one of our things, we each had a pillow we cuddled in our beds when we weren't together).  

I have my cuddle pillow, I have my video, I have the many people that came to me after he passed to tell me just how much he truly loved me and how I made a difference in his life.  Believe me, he made a difference in mine.

What I don't have is the future with the love of my life.  I don't know how to mourn this kind of loss...I was "just the girlfriend".   I actually have people asking me if I'm dating yet???  I don't know how I ever will.  I'm crushed and I miss him so very much every minute of every day. 

 

 

 

 

 

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Sue P 67, A beautiful love story that ended far too quickly. I am so, so, sorry. There are no words to ease your pain. I wish there were. You both were indeed blessed in finding each other. God had a plan that you were *the one* to give this man the love, care and happiness he needed in his last months. That is such an honor that God bestowed on you!  Your heart is broken and your dreams shattered. It all seems so defeating, painful and pointless.  We are here for you. We will listen with kind and comforting ears. Any help you need with advice, suggestions, encouragement, we all will be here for you. Prayers of peace, comfort and hugs.

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Sue P 67

I am so sorry for your loss; it seemed like a fairytale romance; unfortunately, the story doesn't have a happy ending.  You were both so blessed to have found one another and I'm so glad for you both - even for a small period of time.

4 hours ago, Sue P 67 said:

 He deserved a miracle and he WOULD get it.

He got his miracle - you.  He was given happiness in this final days - you.  He was loved and loved - you.   He was happy - you.  He was able to spend the rest of his life with the women he loved - you.

6 hours ago, Sue P 67 said:

What I don't have is the future with the love of my life.  I don't know how to mourn this kind of loss.

I truly get it; the saddest part of life is saying goodbye to someone you wish to spend your lifetime with.  You are going to live your life because now it is fuller because of him; it is happier because he was a part of it.  God puts people in our lives that can fill our lives like no one else can.  You both came into each other lives for a short period of time, but you loved a lifetime. From your post you had a beautiful kind of love that resonated from within and that kind of love will never die, it changed you for the better and made you who you are today. 

6 hours ago, Sue P 67 said:

I have so much to be grateful for, our time together, his family embraced me and knew we were in love.

That in itself is a blessing.  We should all focus on our blessings not our misfortunes; our strengths not our weaknesses.  Count your blessings, but make your blessings count.  When you count your blessings and not your problems, you will realize how beautiful your life truly is.  God has blessed you; HE has allowed your loved one happiness - unfortunately not everyone is awarded that.  What better way to live ones life but to love and be loved.  To truly live is the rarest thing in the world; most people just exist.  Your love, lived because you - that's got to give you comfort.

My Charles truly lived and I was so grateful that he knew how much I loved him when he left this world and vice versa.   I don't know how I got so lucky to not only find him, but to fall in love with him for 45 years and to have him love me back.  He was truly the best thing that ever happened to me and I am forever grateful to my God.  I am and I know you are as well, better because of them and their love. 

There will be no doubt be times when the pain is unbearable, and you won't know how to cope.  Just remember, God has a purpose for your pain, a reason for your struggle and a reward for your faithfulness; so be patient, sometimes you have to go through hell to get to heaven.  Often times, painful things can teach us lessons that we didn't think we needed to know.   The pain that you're feeling now can't compare to the Joy that is coming.  God hears every unspoken word, sees every unseen wound, mends every unbearable pain. Be strong and have faith.

I hope you continue to post.  We are all here at this time and place for reason - to uplift and encourage one another - definitely.  In our lives, we've lived, we've loved; we've lost; we've missed; we've been hurt; we've trusted; we've made mistakes, but must of all, we've learned.  

God bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.

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Sue P 67,

I'm so sorry, this is such a heartbreaking tale. I wish I had something to say to make some difference. I'm afraid nothing will quite do that. 

You aren't "just" the girlfriend, you were/are his beloved, as he is yours. Love is love, the kind you expressed is without a doubt, that pure, unconditional love that so many people dream of, but don't quite achieve. Brief though it was, your life together sounds as if you loved a lifetimes worth. Without question, your time was far too brief, but your grief will be with you for far longer. It's a testament to how much you loved one another, how much you'll always love him. 

KMB is so right, you coming into his life gave him a chance to love as well as any man could ever hope to. Your devotion blessed him when he needed it most, a loyalty and commitment when such things would be scarce in his state. And it goes without saying that his life touched you, touching you with his courage, inspiring you with his spirit, gifts you'll carry for the rest of your life. You are obviously a kind, generous, loving person, qualities rare in this world. 

You'll make it to a point where coping and acceptance will allow you to move forward. Not "get over it", not "moving on", just forward. One moment at a time. Don't worry about being strong, that's impossible for us, especially early on. Be weak. It's okay. Cry, scream, sleep, write a journal, just live. That's all. 

Again, I'm so sorry, may you find some peace and comfort,

Andy 

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Sue p 67,   I can relate to your story, I lost my boyfriend three weeks ago to acute Myeloid Leukemia. He was  diagnosed Monday and passed away the next day, it was very unexpected, we just celebrated our two year anniversary and his 33 year old birthday. i also found out he was planning on  proposing  to me two weeks after his death.  I'm truly heart broken. How do you not feel angry? Our life together was just beginning. He was my soulmate. You don't get that twice. I Have lots of support but no one seems to understand my loss. This is why I'm here to talk to people who are going through the same thing I am. I'm very sorry for loss and hope you find comfort soon. 

Take care, Lauren 

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Thank you all so much for your kind words.  I am trying very hard to focus on the gift that God gave me by bringing Scott into my life.  It is easier some days than others.  I will write more later but am overwhelmed with your kindness & having a rough morning missing him. 

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Sue, 

OMG, your story is both beautiful and heartbreaking!  I am so sorry, I wish you could have had more time together.  I do know this, you shared more in those short few months than many do in a lifetime together.  It's not great consolation, I know.  I only knew my husband 6 1/2 years, were married 3 years 8 months, and now he's been gone nearly 12 years.  Some of us don't get 50 years together.  And nothing about life speaks of fairness, I realize that.  

Lauren,

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I understand your feeling angry.  My daughter is nearly 35 and her husband just left her...they fell in love 17 years ago and were married in 2009, but now he says he's "not feeling it".  I feel I'm fortunate because my George never betrayed me, never stopped loving me, never gave up on me, and even though he's dead our love and memories continue.  My daughter's have been destroyed by this late piece of knowledge.  Everything she thought she knew is destroyed, including her ability to trust.  It's a helluva position to be in, to feel fortunate my husband died not abandoned me, but the truth is we're both hurting and no one here wins.

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On 4/20/2017 at 4:07 PM, KMB said:

Sue P 67, A beautiful love story that ended far too quickly. I am so, so, sorry. There are no words to ease your pain. I wish there were. You both were indeed blessed in finding each other. God had a plan that you were *the one* to give this man the love, care and happiness he needed in his last months. That is such an honor that God bestowed on you!  Your heart is broken and your dreams shattered. It all seems so defeating, painful and pointless.  We are here for you. We will listen with kind and comforting ears. Any help you need with advice, suggestions, encouragement, we all will be here for you. Prayers of peace, comfort and hugs.

KMB, thank you so much.  I'm learning to believe that God did put us together. My faith has been weakened over the years after a failed 28 yr marriage to a selfish man who put himself before his devoted wife & children and then a rebound relationship after my divorce to her another selfish man.  It seemed to be my destiny until I met Scott.  He showed me I was enough and even though his life was slowly falling apart & he was losing his battle....he ALWAYS appreciated me and showed me by his actions that he loved me.  He gave me such a gift for my future - I now know I am worthy of the kind of love we shared and when I am ready and that time comes...I will never settle.  I have regained my faith in God these last 3 weeks & feel Scott with me every day.  I am trying to focus on the GIFT I was given by loving & being loved by such a strong, wonderful man.  This site has helped me so much already...reading others stories shows me I am feeling normal feelings of grief.  None of my friends or family have lost a partner...they don't understand how different this is than when a family or friend passes away.  I never would have either if I weren't experiencing.  Thank you so very much. 

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On 4/20/2017 at 10:01 PM, Francine said:

Sue P 67

I am so sorry for your loss; it seemed like a fairytale romance; unfortunately, the story doesn't have a happy ending.  You were both so blessed to have found one another and I'm so glad for you both - even for a small period of time.

He got his miracle - you.  He was given happiness in this final days - you.  He was loved and loved - you.   He was happy - you.  He was able to spend the rest of his life with the women he loved - you.

I truly get it; the saddest part of life is saying goodbye to someone you wish to spend your lifetime with.  You are going to live your life because now it is fuller because of him; it is happier because he was a part of it.  God puts people in our lives that can fill our lives like no one else can.  You both came into each other lives for a short period of time, but you loved a lifetime. From your post you had a beautiful kind of love that resonated from within and that kind of love will never die, it changed you for the better and made you who you are today. 

That in itself is a blessing.  We should all focus on our blessings not our misfortunes; our strengths not our weaknesses.  Count your blessings, but make your blessings count.  When you count your blessings and not your problems, you will realize how beautiful your life truly is.  God has blessed you; HE has allowed your loved one happiness - unfortunately not everyone is awarded that.  What better way to live ones life but to love and be loved.  To truly live is the rarest thing in the world; most people just exist.  Your love, lived because you - that's got to give you comfort.

My Charles truly lived and I was so grateful that he knew how much I loved him when he left this world and vice versa.   I don't know how I got so lucky to not only find him, but to fall in love with him for 45 years and to have him love me back.  He was truly the best thing that ever happened to me and I am forever grateful to my God.  I am and I know you are as well, better because of them and their love. 

There will be no doubt be times when the pain is unbearable, and you won't know how to cope.  Just remember, God has a purpose for your pain, a reason for your struggle and a reward for your faithfulness; so be patient, sometimes you have to go through hell to get to heaven.  Often times, painful things can teach us lessons that we didn't think we needed to know.   The pain that you're feeling now can't compare to the Joy that is coming.  God hears every unspoken word, sees every unseen wound, mends every unbearable pain. Be strong and have faith.

I hope you continue to post.  We are all here at this time and place for reason - to uplift and encourage one another - definitely.  In our lives, we've lived, we've loved; we've lost; we've missed; we've been hurt; we've trusted; we've made mistakes, but must of all, we've learned.  

God bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.

Francine. I can't begin to tell you how much your post has helped me.  You truly made me see that this is a gift from Scott, my love & God.    I went to the dr & got meds to help get me through & clear my head so I can heal & still function.  I'm a single mom with a full time, stressful job & am really having a rough time doing all i need to do.  So even though I prefer holistic methods, this is what I have to do for now. 

My fairytale was much too short in this life but I know deep down that it will continue in spirit until the end of my life & when we meet again. 

I'm so sorry for your loss & so happy you had so many wonderful years with your husband. :)

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On 4/20/2017 at 10:08 PM, Andy said:

Sue P 67,

I'm so sorry, this is such a heartbreaking tale. I wish I had something to say to make some difference. I'm afraid nothing will quite do that. 

You aren't "just" the girlfriend, you were/are his beloved, as he is yours. Love is love, the kind you expressed is without a doubt, that pure, unconditional love that so many people dream of, but don't quite achieve. Brief though it was, your life together sounds as if you loved a lifetimes worth. Without question, your time was far too brief, but your grief will be with you for far longer. It's a testament to how much you loved one another, how much you'll always love him. 

KMB is so right, you coming into his life gave him a chance to love as well as any man could ever hope to. Your devotion blessed him when he needed it most, a loyalty and commitment when such things would be scarce in his state. And it goes without saying that his life touched you, touching you with his courage, inspiring you with his spirit, gifts you'll carry for the rest of your life. You are obviously a kind, generous, loving person, qualities rare in this world. 

You'll make it to a point where coping and acceptance will allow you to move forward. Not "get over it", not "moving on", just forward. One moment at a time. Don't worry about being strong, that's impossible for us, especially early on. Be weak. It's okay. Cry, scream, sleep, write a journal, just live. That's all. 

Again, I'm so sorry, may you find some peace and comfort,

Andy 

Andy, thank you so very much.  It has taken me awhile to realize that I wasn't "just the girlfriend".   It's funny, in my Valentines Day card to him, I wrote something like "I know We aren't each other's first love but here's to hoping we are each other's last".  I think about it now and what a gift I was given to be his last but am now so afraid that I will never experience that kind of love again.  By no means am I saying I am ready to move forward yet, but it is a fear I have.   I spent 28 years married to the wrong man...I found my "Mr Perfect for me" and for less than 4 months of my dream love.   It is so unfair!  We finally found each other and it ended as quickly as it started. I truly don't know how it is possible for a heart to heal this kind of pain & ever let another in.  I'm only 49...God willing i have a long life ahead of me....it's so heartbreaking that I have to live it without him.   For about 5 minutes, I actually had wished my life would fast forward so I could be with him again.  I know that isn't God's plan for me...I have my son to raise & a long life yet to live but that is just how painful this can be at times.

thank you for acknowledging just how pure our love is...it gives me such peace that he (& his family) recognize that.  Honestly, I didn't realize it myself until after he was gone.

 

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1 hour ago, Sue P 67 said:

Andy, thank you so very much.  It has taken me awhile to realize that I wasn't "just the girlfriend".   It's funny, in my Valentines Day card to him, I wrote something like "I know We aren't each other's first love but here's to hoping we are each other's last".  I think about it now and what a gift I was given to be his last but am now so afraid that I will never experience that kind of love again.  By no means am I saying I am ready to move forward yet, but it is a fear I have.   I spent 28 years married to the wrong man...I found my "Mr Perfect for me" and for less than 4 months of my dream love.   It is so unfair!  We finally found each other and it ended as quickly as it started. I truly don't know how it is possible for a heart to heal this kind of pain & ever let another in.  I'm only 49...God willing i have a long life ahead of me....it's so heartbreaking that I have to live it without him.   For about 5 minutes, I actually had wished my life would fast forward so I could be with him again.  I know that isn't God's plan for me...I have my son to raise & a long life yet to live but that is just how painful this can be at times.

thank you for acknowledging just how pure our love is...it gives me such peace that he (& his family) recognize that.  Honestly, I didn't realize it myself until after he was gone.

 

After being married to the "wrong" guy for so long, and then finding this beautiful man only to lose him in such a short time, I can't imagine. However, I think it's quite wonderful that in his very short time, he showed you that you are indeed deserving of love and happiness. And in doing so, he opened the possibility that you'll again find that which you so deserve. I too wonder if I'll ever be "happy" again, I'm 45, not really expecting anything, not even sure if I'm capable of giving that kind of emotional investment. 

Hugs and comfort to you my friend, 

Andy

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Sue,

My heart goes out to you.  I was married 23 years to my kids' dad, he was controlling and I never felt he loved me.  How different when I met and married George!  We were soul mates and clicked in every way, we truly loved and appreciated each other.  To lose him was like having the bottom fall out of my world.  It is hard, it's like you spent your life in a void and then finally find this person you were meant to be with and boom, it's gone!

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23 hours ago, Andy said:

After being married to the "wrong" guy for so long, and then finding this beautiful man only to lose him in such a short time, I can't imagine. However, I think it's quite wonderful that in his very short time, he showed you that you are indeed deserving of love and happiness. And in doing so, he opened the possibility that you'll again find that which you so deserve. I too wonder if I'll ever be "happy" again, I'm 45, not really expecting anything, not even sure if I'm capable of giving that kind of emotional investment. 

Hugs and comfort to you my friend, 

Andy

Andy, I truly hope when the time comes you open your heart to love coming in.  If I have learned anything through all that's I have been through (my failed past relationships) and especially with finding and then losing Scott is that LOVE - mutual & pure love - is the BEST feeling on earth & I will open myself up for it again one day. Everyone should feel this kind of love...even knowing that this kind of love also brings this kind of pain if the worst happens.  I have always believed & lived by never letting my past define my future in a negative way.  There is always a lesson to be learned  to make the future days better than the past days.

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2 hours ago, Sue P 67 said:

Andy, I truly hope when the time comes you open your heart to love coming in.  If I have learned anything through all that's I have been through (my failed past relationships) and especially with finding and then losing Scott is that LOVE - mutual & pure love - is the BEST feeling on earth & I will open myself up for it again one day. Everyone should feel this kind of love...even knowing that this kind of love also brings this kind of pain if the worst happens.  I have always believed & lived by never letting my past define my future in a negative way.  There is always a lesson to be learned  to make the future days better than the past days.

Your attitude is amazing. The positive outlook you have in the face of this sorrow is admirable. 

Thank you for the kind words, I don't know if I'll be capable of giving myself over to another person ever again, to be honest, I'm not even sure I'd even recognize that sort of thing again. After 27 years with the only girl I have ever loved, I'm more than terrified at the idea of even going down that road. It's all so terrible, I sometimes feel like my life is over, the engaging part that is. I can't express this to my daughter, I can't express this to my parents, my friends have no context for this. I love my daughter with all my heart, and I'll be here for her as long as I'm allowed, and I'll care for my parents the same, but for myself, I don't know anymore. Its all so dark and confusing. I'll keep moving forward though. I'm still hoping for possibilities. 

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2 hours ago, Sue P 67 said:

Andy, I truly hope when the time comes you open your heart to love coming in.  If I have learned anything through all that's I have been through (my failed past relationships) and especially with finding and then losing Scott is that LOVE - mutual & pure love - is the BEST feeling on earth & I will open myself up for it again one day. Everyone should feel this kind of love...even knowing that this kind of love also brings this kind of pain if the worst happens.  I have always believed & lived by never letting my past define my future in a negative way.  There is always a lesson to be learned  to make the future days better than the past days.

Sue P 67,  I can relate to your situation as far as finally having the love of your life for a short time and then losing them.  Pat and I were only together for almost a year and a half.  But I, like you, finally found true happiness, love, joy and contentment for the first time in my life.  I don't know why we had such a short time together, and I will never know why, but after getting over the initial shock of his unexpected passing, the first thought I had was an overwhelming sense of gratitude for having had him in my life.  It was, as you said, the best feeling on earth.  I also hope to open myself up to it again, some day.  I know it will never be the same but I have to believe that my life will be better for having loved each other.  So many lessons I learned in that short year and a half, and now I'm learning more lessons, though more painful than I could have ever imagined.  As they say, the deeper the love, the deeper the pain.  How true.

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1 hour ago, Andy said:

Your attitude is amazing. The positive outlook you have in the face of this sorrow is admirable. 

Thank you for the kind words, I don't know if I'll be capable of giving myself over to another person ever again, to be honest, I'm not even sure I'd even recognize that sort of thing again. After 27 years with the only girl I have ever lived, I'm more than terrified at the idea of even going down that road. It's all so terrible, I sometimes feel like my life is over, the engaging part that is. I can't express this to my daughter, I can't express this to my parents, my friends have no context for this. I love my daughter will all my heart, and I'll be here for her as long as I'm allowed, and I'll care for my parents the same, but for myself, I don't know anymore. Its all so dark and confusing. I'll keep moving forward though. I'm still hoping for possibilities. 

You don't have to know now if you are capable of it now.  You are mourning & that isn't your priority at this time.  My son is 12 & he saw his mom happy, truly happy, for the first time in his 12 years.  He is hurting for my loss because he didn't really get to know Scott much since we didn't live together.  However, he knew he was a good man & treated his mother with love, kindness, generosity and gratitude.  He said to me once at the beginning of February just after the dr told Scott his cancer was incurable "mom, God won't take away a man as good as Scott & he definitely won't take him away from someone as good as you".  That statement from my son gave me faith - I believed him.  There was no way God would separate us when we both had FINALLY found our true love.  It took away any negative thought I had & I truly believed, against what every Dr said, they he was going to be a miracle.  Looking back, I almost wish I had allowed myself to believe some of what the Dr's said because then maybe when I lost him it wouldn't have hurt so deeply.  But then again....I had no fear of losing him so we made plans...plans of how our life was going to be when we kicked cancers ass.  

I'm telling you all of this because I hope you think about your daughter as well.  Once she starts to heal and your lives move forward...she wil want her daddy to be happy & not be alone if that brings you sadness.  Our kids want us to be happy, it gives them happiness.  My son worries about me, constantly checking to see if I'm ok.  I tell him the truth.  "No, I'm not ok, I lost the man I was going to grow old with, the plans we made, the future we talked about with you and his 2 daughters...I'm mourning all of that & it is hard.   BUT I will be ok one day and I will be happy again".  He needs to know it's part of life & understand it's ok for me not to be ok for now.  I look at this as a gift Scott gave my son.  6 months ago Inwould never have been that honest with him.

 

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24 minutes ago, Sue P 67 said:

You don't have to know now if you are capable of it now.  You are mourning & that isn't your priority at this time.  My son is 12 & he saw his mom happy, truly happy, for the first time in his 12 years.  He is hurting for my loss because he didn't really get to know Scott much since we didn't live together.  However, he knew he was a good man & treated his mother with love, kindness, generosity and gratitude.  He said to me once at the beginning of February just after the dr told Scott his cancer was incurable "mom, God won't take away a man as good as Scott & he definitely won't take him away from someone as good as you".  That statement from my son gave me faith - I believed him.  There was no way God would separate us when we both had FINALLY found our true love.  It took away any negative thought I had & I truly believed, against what every Dr said, they he was going to be a miracle.  Looking back, I almost wish I had allowed myself to believe some of what the Dr's said because then maybe when I lost him it wouldn't have hurt so deeply.  But then again....I had no fear of losing him so we made plans...plans of how our life was going to be when we kicked cancers ass.  

I'm telling you all of this because I hope you think about your daughter as well.  Once she starts to heal and your lives move forward...she wil want her daddy to be happy & not be alone if that brings you sadness.  Our kids want us to be happy, it gives them happiness.  My son worries about me, constantly checking to see if I'm ok.  I tell him the truth.  "No, I'm not ok, I lost the man I was going to grow old with, the plans we made, the future we talked about with you and his 2 daughters...I'm mourning all of that & it is hard.   BUT I will be ok one day and I will be happy again".  He needs to know it's part of life & understand it's ok for me not to be ok for now.  I look at this as a gift Scott gave my son.  6 months ago Inwould never have been that honest with him.

 

You have a remarkable young man there, recognizing how wonderful you are and at the same time being sensitive enough to understand the difference Scott has made in your life. 

I have an eclectic variety of interests, most of which my wife could care less about. In fact, it was a mixture of tolerance and amusement that she watched me with, as I was acting like an 8 year old on Christmas morning whenever something made me truly happy. It wasn't necessary for her like what I did, but knowing she was happy because I was, well, that's simply amazing to me, what an expression of love. I'd tell her about a new movie being released, I'd talk about a big game coming the next weekend, or I'd talk about a new Disney "rumor" (yes, I'm a Disney-phile, cool story about that) and she smile and laugh or ask one or two questions and that'd be enough. I knew she didn't get worked up over my oddball stuff, but she cared that I cared. That's what I miss, and I'm afraid it might be gone forever. Going through life, finding something you enjoy, yet no one cares. Not one single person cares that you're happy about something. No more "deep" conversations, no more bearing my soul, no more confessions of fear, because no one cares. I'm not a robot or an automaton, I enjoy sharing and having feelings reciprocated back, I like the comfort my wife afforded me, I loved her in my life in every way, and I want her back. That's it though, isn't it? What I want, I can't have. It simply can't be. I'm missing her terribly, so alone now. 

 

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11 hours ago, Andy said:

You have a remarkable young man there, recognizing how wonderful you are and at the same time being sensitive enough to understand the difference Scott has made in your life. 

I have an eclectic variety of interests, most of which my wife could care less about. In fact, it was a mixture of tolerance and amusement that she watched me with, as I was acting like an 8 year old on Christmas morning whenever something made me truly happy. It wasn't necessary for her like what I did, but knowing she was happy because I was, well, that's simply amazing to me, what an expression of love. I'd tell her about a new movie being released, I'd talk about a big game coming the next weekend, or I'd talk about a new Disney "rumor" (yes, I'm a Disney-phile, cool story about that) and she smile and laugh or ask one or two questions and that'd be enough. I knew she didn't get worked up over my oddball stuff, but she cared that I cared. That's what I miss, and I'm afraid it might be gone forever. Going through life, finding something you enjoy, yet no one cares. Not one single person cares that you're happy about something. No more "deep" conversations, no more bearing my soul, no more confessions of fear, because no one cares. I'm not a robot or an automaton, I enjoy sharing and having feelings reciprocated back, I like the comfort my wife afforded me, I loved her in my life in every way, and I want her back. That's it though, isn't it? What I want, I can't have. It simply can't be. I'm missing her terribly, so alone now. 

 

Sounds like you had an amazing marriage and wife.  What a beautiful gift!  Scott's hobby was building monster trucks...it was all he talked about.  He would start telling me about something he was doing on his current project and I showed him I was interested, asked him questions, I had no clue what he was talking about but i showed him I was interested in learning because it was his passion.  I never did get a ride in one of them, that is sad for me.  It was the one thing he truly loved to do other than spend time with me and his family so its something I couldn't wait to share with him.  

I know what you mean about "what I want, I can't have".  That is my #1 struggle.  I have a great group of very good and close friends who have supported me through all of my struggles the last few years and most definitely through the last month.  It does make a difference to have a great support system but as you said previously, no one can understand what we are going through unless they too have lost a partner.  I had this conversation with my parents yesterday morning.  My dad said he understood how much it hurts.  I said "no you don't, mom is still here, it is a totally different kind of loss than losing someone else".  My youngest brother died of a heroine overdose last Memorial Day so my parents understand loss....just not this kind.  It is different.  They did like Scott even though they only met him once.  They saw the difference in me.  They saw a man that sparkled when he looked at their daughter.  That was another gift he gave.  My parents watched my ex husband abuse me and my children, they met the rebound boyfriend that was extremely rude & disrespectful to me and my kids and the selfish person he was.  They were happy and said I had found someone worthy of my heart and my love.  That is all we can ever ask for in life isn't it?  

 

I have prayed more than in the last couple of months and more so these last 3 weeks than I probably ever have in my life.  I talk to Scott every morning when I wake up and every night before I fall asleep.  I watch his video as well as soon as I wake up and just before I go to sleep.  I tell him to never leave me, I want his spirit with me always no matter what happens in my future.  If I get lucky enough to fall in love again and have the kind of love we shared...I still want him with me.  

I hope you and your daughter feel your wife with you.  I am very spiritual and believe that once someone passes, they show signs they are with you.  For me, our song comes on the radio several mornings a week on my drive to work.  It isn't a popular song so not usually played so frequently so I know that is Scott saying "I'm here baby, I'm with you, I'm thinking of you and have a super day".  

 

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5 hours ago, Sue P 67 said:

Sounds like you had an amazing marriage and wife.  What a beautiful gift!  Scott's hobby was building monster trucks...it was all he talked about.  He would start telling me about something he was doing on his current project and I showed him I was interested, asked him questions, I had no clue what he was talking about but i showed him I was interested in learning because it was his passion.  I never did get a ride in one of them, that is sad for me.  It was the one thing he truly loved to do other than spend time with me and his family so its something I couldn't wait to share with him.  

I know what you mean about "what I want, I can't have".  That is my #1 struggle.  I have a great group of very good and close friends who have supported me through all of my struggles the last few years and most definitely through the last month.  It does make a difference to have a great support system but as you said previously, no one can understand what we are going through unless they too have lost a partner.  I had this conversation with my parents yesterday morning.  My dad said he understood how much it hurts.  I said "no you don't, mom is still here, it is a totally different kind of loss than losing someone else".  My youngest brother died of a heroine overdose last Memorial Day so my parents understand loss....just not this kind.  It is different.  They did like Scott even though they only met him once.  They saw the difference in me.  They saw a man that sparkled when he looked at their daughter.  That was another gift he gave.  My parents watched my ex husband abuse me and my children, they met the rebound boyfriend that was extremely rude & disrespectful to me and my kids and the selfish person he was.  They were happy and said I had found someone worthy of my heart and my love.  That is all we can ever ask for in life isn't it?  

 

I have prayed more than in the last couple of months and more so these last 3 weeks than I probably ever have in my life.  I talk to Scott every morning when I wake up and every night before I fall asleep.  I watch his video as well as soon as I wake up and just before I go to sleep.  I tell him to never leave me, I want his spirit with me always no matter what happens in my future.  If I get lucky enough to fall in love again and have the kind of love we shared...I still want him with me.  

I hope you and your daughter feel your wife with you.  I am very spiritual and believe that once someone passes, they show signs they are with you.  For me, our song comes on the radio several mornings a week on my drive to work.  It isn't a popular song so not usually played so frequently so I know that is Scott saying "I'm here baby, I'm with you, I'm thinking of you and have a super day".  

 

Thank you P 67, my marriage was special, built on strength of devotion and an undying belief in one another, it endured many heartaches and troubles. Through it all though, we were a true "couple", us against the world. 

I too believe in the "other side", however one sees it. My faith was in place before she passed, but I've had "events" happen that I interpret as "signs", things that were timed in such away that makes them directed at me, not meaningful for anyone else. I know that I'll never understand how or why things work the way they do, and that's ok. I'm just glad that they do. My wife had an unshakable faith, despite her lifelong struggles and suffering. She showed me how to accept heartache and disappointment with grace, not complaining, but trying everyday to get better, to find happiness. I believe she is more than okay now, I know she is. It's me who has the problem of loss and sorrow. 

I don't have a large circle of friends, my family is small, and I don't warm up quickly to strangers, so my resources are limited, but I get by. I try and fail, but I keep trying to get back to life. The living part that we all need, to truly BE alive, that's what I'm striving for. 

Peace and hugs,

Andy

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4 weeks ago today, around this time of day is when I got the call to get to the hospital quickly.  It was the worst day of my life but I would do it all over again just to walk into that hospital room, with him alive and be able to hold his hand and kiss him and tell him how much I love him and that I am there, with him.   I can't believe it has been 4 weeks and I can't believe I feel barely any better than that fateful day.  

This is SO hard! :(

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Yes, it is.  (((hugs)))

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