Lost my husband my best friend

[Lonely spouse]

Hello I am new here this is my first time in a grieving session. I just don't know where to start. I lost my husband my best friend my hero my guardian angel  on the 5th of March. One day after his birthday. I have been depressed ever sense and been criticized 4 wearing his t--shirts and hats . People keep telling me it's been over a month get over it. Well I can't. People are pushing me to make decisions about the stuff he left. I was forced to move out of our rental house. We were going to move we had a fixer upper but he didn't get to fix it up so I can't move in it.  Plus I feel like it's my fault my husband passed like God is punishing me 4 something. Or if I would of just did some thing different Don would still be here with me and his family and friends. I keep asking myself why did God call him home so soon. Why can't I let go?

[M88]

I am so sorry for your loss, Lonely spouse - hugs.  All of us here understand how deeply you are hurting as we too have lost our partner, husband or wife.  To have lost your home so soon as well, is just heart-wrenching and my heart aches for you.  

It is beyond believe that those close to you are being so insensitive and critical at a time when they should be supporting you.  Wearing or holding close, an item of clothing belonging to our partner, is not unusual when you are grieving.  I still do that 15 months since the death of my darling. 

You don't need to 'let go' of your husband.  We are forced to learn how to live with without them, make lots of adjustments and this takes time - it is very painful and can't be rushed.

Are you having grief counselling and/or able to join a grief group?  You definitely need to have more understanding, supportive people around you at this time.  

I hear you on the people wanting to rush you to make decisions on your husbands belongings.  I suggest you stand firm on this matter and do it only when you are ready to.

Sending strength and hugs.

 

 

[cp9042]

Dear Lonely Spouse:

Your loss is very new and raw.  I do not know how people expect you to "move on" so soon.  I lost my husband in February, and I know that it is hard to do anything.  Don't feel like you have to do anything about his things.  I put some of my husband's things in bags, but i haven't gotten rid of them.  If you decide you want to go through his things, it is best to have someone there to be with you as support, not to tell you what to do.

Do not let anyone make you do anything you do not want to do.  I know that it is very difficult, and you will feel all kinds of emotions, grief, stress, anger, sorrow, but take it one day at a time.  

I am glad you found this site.  There are a lot of helpful people here, and are all in similar situations.  God Bless.

[HHFaith]

We never let go. They are part of us forever. Do not let anyone tell you what to do or not what to do. I just wore one of Pats shirts yesterday and that's perfectly ok!  This is a very long, difficult journey. We all know what you're going through. Most important thing now is to try your best to take care of yourself. 

[AceBasin]

Sometimes people can be worse than Job's friends. "Move on" and "get on with it" are among the worst things that can be said to you.

Do whatever you want, whenever you want with your husband's items. You will see lots of posts on this board about different decisions people have made. A good general rule s not to make too many non critical decisions is the first year.

Guilt can be a common emotion after the death of a spouse. You can go through endless "if only I" scenarios in your mind. Just keep reminding yourself you are not guilty of anything.

As far as why your husband died at this time? Nobody knows, and anyone that claims to know the mind of God and why it happened or makes you think you are somehow being punished does not have a clue and should be avoided.

When asked the question of why God did this or let it happen, many well-trained clergy will respond: "I do not know. No one does. But I do know that God will comfort you."

[HAB's wife]

Lonely Spouse-  Your story is very similar to mine. My husband passed away five days after his birthday, last month. It was sudden and unexpected. I, too, felt like God was angry, with me, and I was being punished. I prayed and begged God to forgive me, for days afterward, and I received a sense of peace. My guilt eased and I came to the realization that God does not take people from us, as punishment. We are not powerful, like Him, we have absolutely no say so in who lives or dies each day. We do not have the ability to even control our OWN immortality. (And yes, this includes suicide. Many, many people have failed at that!- because God ALWAYS gets the final decision.) The sadness is still there and some days, it's agonizing and some days, it's an ache that settles into my stomach and throat. But still, I live on because God has decided that I do. I am here to continue raising our children, to finish out a life without my husband- however, long or short that may be. BUT I am NOT "letting go". I won't let my husband go, for the rest of my life. He was once, physically, mine, and he is still, emotionally, mine. I believe we are hardwired, as humans, to love some people, for a lifetime- God keeps their memory alive so He NEVER expects us to "let them go", I'm NOT and you don't have to either. I'll pray that God gives you peace and that, eventually, we ALL look back, with less sadness and happier memories. BTW....I am sorry for your loss and although, I'm pretty new to this forum, everyone has been very kind and understanding- they are going through exactly the same thing and it makes me feel less lonely.

[KayC]

Lonely Spouse,

I'm sorry for your loss and the decisions you're forced to make so soon.  Keep coming here, it'll help you to know we are by your side and you're not alone.