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      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Lonely spouse

Lost of my husband best friend

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KMB   
20 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

HE SAID HE WANTED TO DIE AT HOME AND WHILE HE WAS ASLEEP AND HE DID JUST THAT. 

Instead of blaming yourself for what you couldn't control or change the doctor's advice on, look at it from your husband's point of view. He received his wish on how he wanted to go. My husband wouldn't let me take him to the ER either. I had the feeling that something was going to happen and I wanted him in a hospital so that a heart attack could have been prevented or dealt with asap if it happened, so he could still be here. He didn't want to die in a hospital or be in any other place for long term care. He wanted to be home, our home, with me. He got his wish on how he wanted to go and I have come to terms with that. I am paying the ultimate sacrifice and I am doing it out of love. His final wish was granted and isn't that what we all want for our loved ones?

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LoveGoli   
3 hours ago, KMB said:

Instead of blaming yourself for what you couldn't control or change the doctor's advice on, look at it from your husband's point of view. He received his wish on how he wanted to go. My husband wouldn't let me take him to the ER either. I had the feeling that something was going to happen and I wanted him in a hospital so that a heart attack could have been prevented or dealt with asap if it happened, so he could still be here. He didn't want to die in a hospital or be in any other place for long term care. He wanted to be home, our home, with me. He got his wish on how he wanted to go and I have come to terms with that. I am paying the ultimate sacrifice and I am doing it out of love. His final wish was granted and isn't that what we all want for our loved ones?

Sorry KMB, but my husband never said "HE SAID HE WANTED TO DIE AT HOME AND WHILE HE WAS ASLEEP AND HE DID JUST THAT. " even he did not know that death coming for him. He was so sure that he will make it and told me that go home and take rest, we will meet at morning.

It was so unexpected, we both were sure that he will make it because its just a chickenpox not a very serious disease but death was ready to take him away from me. I hate every single thing of this world now, I hate everything.

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KMB   

LoveGoli, I am so sorry for misquoting your post. I didn't mean to.  Good lesson for me that I should re-read before responding.

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KayC   
13 hours ago, KMB said:

I had the feeling that something was going to happen and I wanted him in a hospital so that a heart attack could have been prevented or dealt with asap if it happened, so he could still be here.

My husband was in the hospital with the "best of care" and still he died.  I wish I could have been home with him so he could have left in the setting he loved best, with me by his side.  But had that happened I probably would have wondered if he could have been saved had he been in the hospital.  I guess no matter how it happens, it's not going to seem ideal to us, because the only thing that is ideal is their continued life with us.

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People keep telling me it's been over a month get over it. 

 

 

OMG, I can't believe people would say something so callous to you. Like who says that? Are they family members? I can't imagine anyone I  know ever saying something like that to me. I would be so pissed. I would tell them too.

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Yes you guys really do understand I don't know how to explain my feelings to friends and family. I feel like how can I face or talk to people knowing I didn't do anything to try to stop him from passing away. O feel guilty like I didn't do enough I know Don would of dragged me to the ER. I ask why didn't I try to drag him. Why do I get mad at Don for leaving me? Why is it some days I think ok I know he is no longer hurting with the tumor. Then I just start crying cause I miss him and start feeling guilty and mad at him at the same time. Family and friends ask me how I feel how do i tell them I am mad at the love of my life my hero but I am also happy that he isn't suffering. How can I have some many emotions all at the same time?

Is it ok to be happy to know he internal  life with no pain?  And is ok to be mad at him for passing away?  HE told me no matter what I can't ever be mad at God 4 calling his child home. So how can I be having so many emotions. Witch one is the right one to feel? 

 

 

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KayC   

It is normal to feel all kinds of emotions at once, this has a multi-faceted impact!  Not only can you have many emotions at once, some of them can be conflicting (anger at him for leaving you, missing him, relieved for him not suffering anymore, etc.)  

It's also common to feel guilt after we've lost them.  I hope you will read these if you haven't already:
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html  

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html

 

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Thank u but does the feeling guilty ever go away?  I  just always have that thought in my mind like what could I have done different. I keep asking my Does Don and God 4 give me for not doing something to save him.  

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KayC   

 

Your feelings are very common in grief.  it's almost as if we're trying to re-write the ending so we can have a different outcome.  But there comes a time to realize that is not an option that is availed to us no matter how much we want it.

It takes work but yes the guilt feelings can be dealt with.  It helps to do your grief work...being on this forum is a start, but there is so much more you can do.  See a grief counselor, read articles and books on grief, express your feelings through journaling, attend grief support group meetings, etc .  I even did art therapy.  We have to realize that our feelings are not necessarily rationale based, and are just that...feelings.  Feeling were not meant to be a barometer, the guilt we feel may not be actuality-based.  To me, guilt's purpose is in making a needed change within ourselves.  If that has already been addressed or there's nothing we can do about it, to continue in guilt feelings becomes shame which holds us down and serves no good purpose.  It's then time to let go of it.  It might help to have a ritual of letting go of something.  For instance, write your feelings of guilt down, write what you wish you felt down, put the paper in a balloon and release it, a symbol of letting go of your guilt.

Regardless of what we did or didn't do, they were adults responsible for themselves and capable of making their own decisions.  We were not and are not responsible for them no matter how much we loved and cared for them.  

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KMB   

Lonely spouse,   KayC said it best in her post to you. God has nothing to forgive you for. When He says it is time to go home, there is no hospital in the world that can reverse that and not even us. I had guilt feelings for a long time also. We have to let go, like KayC said. We have to forgive ourselves. God is all loving and understanding. Don is in Heaven and from all my reading I have done, spirit has a better understanding on why things go as they do here on earth. Whatever God had planned for him in this life, Don accomplished it and it was time for him to go home. Don finished his life's work. He learned the lessons he and God had planned for his souls growth for eternal life.

I know these words don't mean much right now. Maybe down the road they might. Guilt is a feeling that is not needed. It is not productive. It is impossible to go back and change the outcome. One of the best things we can do for our own healing, is to forgive ourselves. Ask God for His help with that and pray for Don. Our prayers for our loved one benefits them in their spiritual journey.:wub:

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Thank u everyone it's just getting harder cause our 4 year anniversary is coming up on the 22 of Sept and it's going to be so hard. Plus the holidays Don really loved Christmas. And when I see his favorite NFL team playing it really hurts that he isn't hear to watch them. I try to do things that I know he would of done but some days I just can't I know he wants me to keep going and doing stuff cause he always said when he gets called Home to keep going cause Ihe would be doing it with me like he always did. But i feel guilty like the depression is trying to pull me back in. I am going to buy Donnie an anniversary card  just like he is stole with me am I wrong or crazy  4 that? Am I ok for laughing and talking to him last night when I seen a funny picture he had taken of us together and one of his self?  I guess I just feel like one day I am ok and if I laugh at a funny thought or time we had together I feel guilty. How can I have so many different feelings at the same time? 

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Eagle-96   
1 hour ago, Lonely spouse said:

I am going to buy Donnie an anniversary card  just like he is stole with me am I wrong or crazy  4 that? Am I ok for laughing and talking to him last night when I seen a funny picture he had taken of us together and one of his self?  I guess I just feel like one day I am ok and if I laugh at a funny thought or time we had together I feel guilty. How can I have so many different feelings at the same time? 

What you are feeling and doing is perfectly normal. You need to do the things that are beneficial for your healing. If that means having conversations with him or buying him an anniversary card then do it. I talk to Lori all the time and sometimes I even smile at what her responses would be to the conversation. As long as what you do to cope doesn't hurt you or anyone else then I say just do it. It's ok to smile and even laugh. We go through so many negative emotions in our grief that it's good to have some positive ones every now and then. Just like we ride the waves of our grief emotions, ride the positive ones also for as long as you can. If that means smiling for a few seconds, great. If that means having a better than average day, great.

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KayC   
2 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

Thank u everyone it's just getting harder cause our 4 year anniversary is coming up on the 22 of Sept and it's going to be so hard. Plus the holidays Don really loved Christmas. And when I see his favorite NFL team playing it really hurts that he isn't hear to watch them. I try to do things that I know he would of done but some days I just can't I know he wants me to keep going and doing stuff cause he always said when he gets called Home to keep going cause Ihe would be doing it with me like he always did. But i feel guilty like the depression is trying to pull me back in. I am going to buy Donnie an anniversary card  just like he is stole with me am I wrong or crazy  4 that? Am I ok for laughing and talking to him last night when I seen a funny picture he had taken of us together and one of his self?  I guess I just feel like one day I am ok and if I laugh at a funny thought or time we had together I feel guilty. How can I have so many different feelings at the same time? 

No you're not wrong or crazy, a lot of us do that.

We are multifaceted and it's totally normal to feel different feelings at the same time, even when they're at odds with each other.

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KMB   

Lonely spouse,   I agree with Sean and KayC, there is nothing wrong with you and you are NOT going crazy! This is grieving. A very complex emotional roller coaster. There is no wrong or right way of going through this. It is your way and whatever works for you. The special days are very hard to deal with. Whatever you feel comfortable with is totally up to you.If you and Don did something special for your anniversary, go ahead and do it. If you exchanged cards, go ahead and buy him one. They are still with us, just in a different way. They want us to honor them and their life in the same way as when they were here. When we think of them, talk to them, do something they enjoyed or something the both of you enjoyed, it draws them closer to us. They never leave us. They are just beyond the veil of the next realm of life that we all cross over to. Being on the other side of the veil, they have the capacity to still be right here with us. We just are unable to see or hear them because we are humans. But, they can see and hear us. I know that is unfair, but when it is our turn to cross over, we will have so much more understanding, wisdom and perspective of how and why things operate the way they do in both worlds.

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Thank you I feel like I am LOOSING my mind. So many different emotions its weird one minute i can be laughing and then someone can say his name i am crying and ready to snap at someone cause they still have the person they love and I don't. And I know it's not their fault. But I get jealous and upset with them cause I no longer have Don. Like I blame them. I know I should blame the tumor  but I blame everyone specially myself . I hate having some many different emotions at the same time. I feel like something is wrong with me..i think my friends and family think so 2 they are like it's been 6 months stop talking about him like he's hear let him rest.i want to just go hide and cry why can't people understand I can't let go Don was the love of my life not just some school girl crush . I was planning on spending the rest of my life with him growing old together. Well growing up. DON ALWAYS SAID I WON'T GROW OLD CAUSE HE WOULD ALWAYS BE YOUNG AT HEART . HE LOVED LIFE 

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Thank you . I have heard people tell me he can see and hear everything I say and do and he knows how much I am hurting without him.i truly believe that. They have said he can't be at peace if I am hurting. I don't want to keep him from his peace but I can't just get over the hurt and guilt. DON IF YOU ARE ABLE TO READ THIS AND YOU KNOW MY HEART PLEASE KNOW I AM SO SORRY FOR NOT MAKING YOU GO TO THE ER . OR CALLING FOR HELP I WILL ALWAYS BLAME MYSELF FOR YOUR PASSING DON. I HOPE YOU CAN FORGIVEME CAUSE I SURE CAN'T. I WANT YOU TO BE ABLE TO REST DON SORRY I STIL CAN'T LET YOU GO. I LOVE YOU DON WAYNE. 

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5 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

Thank you . I have heard people tell me he can see and hear everything I say and do and he knows how much I am hurting without him.i truly believe that. They have said he can't be at peace if I am hurting. I don't want to keep him from his peace but I can't just get over the hurt and guilt. DON IF YOU ARE ABLE TO READ THIS AND YOU KNOW MY HEART PLEASE KNOW I AM SO SORRY FOR NOT MAKING YOU GO TO THE ER . OR CALLING FOR HELP I WILL ALWAYS BLAME MYSELF FOR YOUR PASSING DON. I HOPE YOU CAN FORGIVEME CAUSE I SURE CAN'T. I WANT YOU TO BE ABLE TO REST DON SORRY I STIL CAN'T LET YOU GO. I LOVE YOU DON WAYNE. 

Dear Lonely spouse, I am really sorry for your loss. I hope you find a way to forgive yourself. I understand how it's like to go through different scenarios day and night trying to see what else you could have done to prevent this from happening. I do the same and I blame myself for not able to save my Panda as well. We sort of do this to ourselves to stay connected to our passed loved ones. I don't know how to comfort you. I wish we didn't have to go through this.  

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KMB   

Lonely spouse, I know how hard this is. Try your best at directing your anger, resentments and your self-blame onto the cancer. Why keep blaming yourself for Don not wanting to go the ER? It was his free will choice. We have no control over what people say or do. Cancer is usually the winner of the battle. Don won the war by releasing himself from more torture of that battle. I don't feel you would want for Don to still be here suffering with the agony of cancer. I witnessed what cancer did to my grandma. She was given 6 months with a tumor on her side that was the size of a grapefruit. She hung in there for a year and a half. It was heart breaking to see her rocking back and forth in pain and telling God to take her.

Don holds no grudge against you. Why would he? He made his own free will choice.  He knew what he wanted for himself. I know these words might sound harsh. But, you need to forgive yourself. You did no wrong.  A large part of our grieving is for ourselves. Not just missing our loved one, but missing  the life we had and were used to. Don would not want for you to take on the burden of self blame for something you had no control over. :wub:Grieving his loss is enough. He knows you are grieving for him, but he would be the first one to tell you it was not your fault.

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KayC   

I feel the same way as KMB does, I hope you can find a way to go easier on yourself.

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I wear Bill's shirts sometimes as well as sleep with a old tank shirt he used to wear under my pillow still after almost a year. Do not let anyone tell you it's not right to wear a loved ones clothes. For me it makes me feel just a little bit closer to him even though the smell of him on them have faded long ago.

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KMB   

Never ending pain,   I like your sign on name. It is very fitting for what we are enduring. We are going to carry this pain in our hearts the rest of this life.  I wear my husband's t shirts. Especially through the long, lonely weekends. I'm short, so they hang down to my knees and the sleeves come past my elbows. I don't care. I also sleep with one of his hats under my pillow. We do whatever we need in order to cope. I am sorry you lost Bill. Our losses are the hardest part of life we have to go through.:wub:

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Thank you KMB for the kind words. I am new here so I hope I fit in. We do whatever we can to survive this very sad time in our lives but it is just soooo hard  to not think constantly of our loss, I do my best to hide my intense grief to everyone but night is always the hardest to bear. I want to also say how sorry I am for your loss and I know we feel the same. There are no words for the hurt inside that we carry day after day.  I think it is cute you sleep with a hat under your pillow and I have no doubt it helps in a way that only we ourselves can understand.   ^_^

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KMB   

Do not worry about fitting in here! You were led to this forum and are exactly where you need to be. With others who know and "get it" in losing a soul mate. While true that some of us are further along our journey, we will always remember the day we lost our loves, and the days, weeks, months following. It feels like yesterday and a life time all at once. it has been 13 months and counting for me. I think of my husband constantly and pray for a speed up to the day we will be reunited again. Probably not a healthy way of looking at it, but some can find the ability in moving forward and some of us find it too hard and lonely to do that.Everyone has to follow their own grief journey.

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well it has been 7 months today that I lost my hero Don.  I just couldn't do anything today but hide from.the world. And no one even seemed to care.  But when so called family or friends  are with me they seem like they are doing me a favor by telling me not to wear Don's shirt or jacket. Why should they care what I wear? It masked me feel like he is still with me and I remember when we meant I was cold and he took off his jacket and gave it to me. And held me so he could help me stay warm. If they are my friends why would they not support me and my decision to wear Don's cloths

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KayC   

Lonely spouse,

They say six months is one of the hardest times...it can hit at five or seven or whatever though.  It's when shock wears off and reality hits.  They're not coming home.  You won't wake up and find it's been a horrid dream.  We're left on our own to face this.

I don't know why your family or friends would object to your wearing Don's shirt or jacket, it's not their business.  It's up to YOU what you do, being whatever brings you comfort.  I sometimes put George's jacket or robe on.  I want to feel him about me, you know?

This is common in grief.  Sometimes we hold something of their's and cry.  It's important to be able to let ourselves feel our grief, it's part of the process.  I would TELL them what you've told us, they should not be telling you how to handle your grief.  It's YOUR journey, not their's.  THEIR place is to be there for you, to sit with you, to LISTEN to you, to help you with things like fixing something, mowing the lawn, etc.

I'm sorry they aren't there for you in a better way.  It's common, they just don't know how.

https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2015/11/in-grief-feeling-let-down-by-closest.html 

Perhaps you can share this with them:
http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm

 

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