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Lonely spouse

Lost of my husband best friend

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yes here we are and I will never understand why God takes away everyone I care about.my dad my aunt and my husband (my best friend) why did he have to take them? My husband would of been able to handle this he was the strong one who held me up and I have to hold myself up so I can do what needs to be done 4 him.

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KMB   

Lonely spouse, Your post has me tearing up. I felt the same way about my husband's passing. That burden of guilt. Could I have done more? Should I have forced him to be taken to the ER during his last week when it was so apparent he was feeling miserable? We exchanged words about it the previous week. I asked him a couple of times about going to the hospital, but he adamantly refused. He did not want to die in a hospital. He didn't want to leave me or our home. I could see him struggling to stay, but his body, his heart, betrayed him. And here I am, still struggling with missing him and trying to keep myself from totally falling apart..I don't know why or what for. I just know it is not my time to leave here and I have to try to make it day by day.

it is good that you are expressing your feelings and writing them. You have nothing to apologize for. I have discovered that also. We did the best we could at that time. We were living in the moment and listening to what our spouses did or didn't want. They were using their free will of choice. My husband had congestive heart failure due to being diabetic. We both knew there was no cure and what the final outcome would be. We were told by his doctors that he should have another 2 or 3 years. The anger I had early on when my husband passed was directed at the doctors for what I felt was lying. But no one can predict when the heart will give out. I am just filled with constant sadness that he didn't get to enjoy his retirement years. I am sad that he is not here to make more memories. I am just sad----

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KMB   

wheatgeneration, I am deeply sorry for your tragic loss. I know words don't mean much, but I mean the feelings behind them. Even though I have lost relatives, friends and pets over the years, this is the most gut wrenching, heart shredding, mind shattering loss to try to make it through. Our loss of our beloved life partner is like none other. It will be a year for me next month and I still don't know how I made it this far. I am still floundering and taking it day by day.

I am relieved you found your way here to this forum. This is a safe place where others truly "get it" and everyone listens, understands, supports and uplifts each other. You are in good company here and not alone.

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4 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

yes here we are and I will never understand why God takes away everyone I care about.my dad my aunt and my husband (my best friend) why did he have to take them? My husband would of been able to handle this he was the strong one who held me up and I have to hold myself up so I can do what needs to be done 4 him.

I say why every day when I stand out back and try to pull myself together. Life seems so cruel when these things happen. So unfair.

I had worked hard a few years ago to ensure that my wife could go on without me. My health was in a nosedive and I was even out of work for about nine months, fighting to come back. We thought we could lose ME, not her. Then as 2016 wore on I got better and in the Fall we found out about her heart problems. She was fine, but cancer treatment she had 35 years earlier had set something in motion that was finally after all of those years showing up. And of course by the time that process was done she was gone.

I never considered that this would happen. I never prepared for it. I will be fine financially and all that, and I have lots of support. But I don't want this life that fell on me. And I think you are feeling the same way. I didn't want this.

But we have to go on. We are here and we are still deserving of a good life. I hope all of us can find a way.

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KayC   
15 hours ago, KMB said:

We were living in the moment and listening to what our spouses did or didn't want. They were using their free will of choice.

That's so true, I wish we could stop beating ourselves up.  I did encourage George to get another doctor but he didn't do it.

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KMB   

Thank you, KayC. That misguided burden of guilt is a huge hurdle to get over. I believe if things had been meant to be different, God would have stepped in and changed the outcome.

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Eagle-96   
18 hours ago, KMB said:

 And here I am, still struggling with missing him and trying to keep myself from totally falling apart..I don't know why or what for. I just know it is not my time to leave here and I have to try to make it day by day.

 

 I am just filled with constant sadness that he didn't get to enjoy his retirement years. I am sad that he is not here to make more memories. I am just sad----

I struggle with the "Why am I here" a lot. Is there something I need to accomplish. A lesson to be learned from all of this that will lead to a better me. I'd like to think there is but sometimes I wonder. I, like many others here, am not living any more. I am merely existing. Making it through each day. Get up. Shower. Go to work. Come Home. Eat. Go to sleep. Wash, Rinse, Repeat. Every day at work when I mark the day off of the calendar I whisper "One day closer to you Lori". That is truly the only thing to really look forward to any more.

I too am saddened that Lori won't get enjoy the fruits of her labor during retirement. We talked about it often and how we were setting ourselves up for a good retirement at a relatively early age. She worked so hard and was great at her job. I breaks my heart that we won't get those years. So many memories we won't get to make.

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KMB   
2 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

I struggle with the "Why am I here" a lot. Is there something I need to accomplish. A lesson to be learned from all of this that will lead to a better me. I'd like to think there is but sometimes I wonder.

I wonder every day. God has plans for us as individuals. Things he wants us to do that we have a gift for. He has lessons we need to learn. We also have the responsibility of teaching others.. Our soulmates obviously achieved their graduation to Heaven. We learned lessons from them while they were here. The biggest lesson we are learning at this time is grief. How to live with sorrow after God gave us our gift of a soulmate.

 

2 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

"One day closer to you

I write a letter to my husband every night, telling him what I did or didn't quite accomplish during the day. My heartfelt feelings. I always write that I managed to get through another day, another day closer to our reunion.

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KayC   

Sean, I feel that way too, now that I'm retired, how wonderful it would be if he were here to enjoy it!  Although he had an IRA, he really didn't think about retirement, he was too busy living the moment!  It seems so unfair that it was cut so short.

KMB, I used to write "Letters to George" (in my computer) but mostly I just think to him or talk aloud to him.

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KMB   
3 hours ago, KayC said:

KMB, I used to write "Letters to George" (in my computer) but mostly I just think to him or talk aloud to him.

I am well into my 2nd notebook of nightly letters. I also think my thoughts and talk out loud. My daughter has gotten used to seeing me sitting up in bed at night with the notebook and pen on top of my husband's pillow on my lap, writing away. She's heard me talking out loud. She understands, she knows how close my husband and I were. At least she doesn't label me as crazy, just things I need to do to cope.

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thank you everyone it makes me feel better to know you all know how I am feeling. my so called friends say I am crazy for talking to Don and for questioning GOD on why he had to take Don. I have been told by my sister that one of her clients she is a home nurse talks to her husband and writes him a letter everyday she also said when she thinks about a fun thing they did together or had planned to do together she writes it down. I have thought about that but how does writing down what you had planned to do together make you feel better? to me it would make me more depressed cause he isn't here to do the fun thing with like just the little things going to the zoo or taking our fur babies to the doggie park I still take them cause it isn't fair not to take them but it isn't fun without Don. Am I wrong to be upset about him passing away? I just don't know why God put Don in my life then takes him away? I am glad its like God gave me my guardian angel. then he takes him away. its not fair. I don't know if Don will ever forgive me but I pray God and Don will forgive me for not getting him to the ER. I KNOW DON MADE ME PROMISE IF HE EVER GOT BAD TO PROMISE I WOULDNT LET THEM RESUSCIATE HIM. He always said I had to be prepared cause one day God was going to call him home. I just feel like it was my fault like he got punished for something I did but I just don't know what I could of done so bad that   Don had to pay with his life. I just pray that I will be forgiven. I wish I could of asked for Don's forgiveness sooner but the guilt and being mad at everyone for his passing just messed me up. I am sorry I was mad at you Don for passing away I understand it wasn't your choice. I love you Don. I promise you I will try to be strong like you asked me to be and I will try to beat the depression. 

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KMB   
1 hour ago, Lonely spouse said:

Am I wrong to be upset about him passing away?

Of course not! You love Don, you have every right to be grieving!

1 hour ago, Lonely spouse said:

I just don't know why God put Don in my life then takes him away?

God placed Don in your life because He knew you to be the perfect partner for Don to spend the rest of his life with. That is such an honor and a blessing for you to be thankful for.

1 hour ago, Lonely spouse said:

I don't know if Don will ever forgive me but I pray God and Don will forgive me for not getting him to the ER. I KNOW DON MADE ME PROMISE IF HE EVER GOT BAD TO PROMISE I WOULDNT LET THEM RESUSCIATE HIM. He always said I had to be prepared cause one day God was going to call him home. I just feel like it was my fault like he got punished for something I did but I just don't know what I could of done so bad that   Don had to pay with his life. I just pray that I will be forgiven. I wish I could of asked for Don's forgiveness sooner but the guilt and being mad at everyone for his passing just messed me up.

You need to forgive yourself. You are carrying a burden of guilt that is not necessary nor justified. You did nothing wrong! It was Don's time to go. God called him home. Someday, in God's plans for you, He will call you home too. Don achieved whatever God's plan was for him and Don graduated to Heaven before you. God still has plans for you yet. And the plan does not include punishing you. God does not punish, He is all loving and supporting. Don is certainly not mad at you. Why would he be? He was sick and he knew his time was coming. There was nothing you could have done to prevent his passing. When God calls you home, you have to go.

I am concerned for your well being. We are all grieving, and we all carry guilt feelings early on, in wishing we could have changed the outcome. The evolution of the grieving process naturally clears the mind of guilt feelings as the logic and facts of our loss are realized. Have you been to a grief specialist? I feel that you need to talk to a professional with the constant guilt you are still feeling and need to relieve yourself of. If you go to church, maybe talk to your pastor.  (HUGS)

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On 4/19/2017 at 10:24 PM, Lonely spouse said:

 I have been depressed ever sense and been criticized 4 wearing his t--shirts and hats . People keep telling me it's been over a month get over it. Well I can't. 

LS, I do this too. I'm wearing one of his t-shirts now as I type this. There are a few that I refuse to wash, because they still smell like him, like home, and I'm terrified of losing that. I know that words don't help, but I will still say to please be gentle with yourself. It is something my therapist has told me time and again, and I try my best to follow that advice. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and NO ONE is in a position to criticize you. Sending my love and compassion to you. 

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On 4/19/2017 at 10:24 PM, Lonely spouse said:

 I have been depressed ever sense and been criticized 4 wearing his t--shirts and hats . People keep telling me it's been over a month get over it. Well I can't. 

LS, I do this too. I'm wearing one of his t-shirts now as I type this. There are a few that I refuse to wash, because they still smell like him, like home, and I'm terrified of losing that. I know that words don't help, but I will still say to please be gentle with yourself. It is something my therapist has told me time and again, and I try my best to follow that advice. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and NO ONE is in a position to criticize you. Sending my love and compassion to you. 

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On 4/19/2017 at 10:24 PM, Lonely spouse said:

 I have been depressed ever sense and been criticized 4 wearing his t--shirts and hats . People keep telling me it's been over a month get over it. Well I can't. 

LS, I do this too. I'm wearing one of his t-shirts now as I type this. There are a few that I refuse to wash, because they still smell like him, like home, and I'm terrified of losing that. I know that words don't help, but I will still say to please be gentle with yourself. It is something my therapist has told me time and again, and I try my best to follow that advice. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and NO ONE is in a position to criticize you. Sending my love and compassion to you. 

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KayC   

For people to criticize anything you do to help yourself through this is insane!  One month is the beginning of this journey, not the end of it!

You ask how it helps to write to them about our plans when they can't participate...for me it helps to include him because he is still very much a part of my life.  He can't physically sit next to me but in my mind, he's here with me, all the time.  We are merely physically separated for a time...and no I'm not delusional, I get that he's "dead" but not in his spirit, only in his body.
And I sometimes wear his jacket or his bathrobe, so you're not alone in feeling comfort from wearing his clothes...and it's been 12 years for me, we don't stop missing them and we make our way through this any way that brings us some degree of comfort.

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yes I do go to chruch but I just can't open up to the pastor about my feelings. I just can't open up to anyone I was opening up to Don and he passed away . I was always a shy person just didn't know how to fit in felt like I was a burden if I talked to people about my problems when they had their own problems.  I was learning Don  cared and he was able to help me workout my problems he understood that I felt like people were judging me. DON NEVER JUDGED ME. I FEEL LIKE A PASTOR JUST JUDGES ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOES. I GUESS IT'S JUST ME..I JUST FEEL LIKE I JUST LET DON DOWN. AND I LET MYSELF DOWN 2 BY LETTING DON DOWN.

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Lulu   
2 minutes ago, Lonely spouse said:

yes I do go to chruch but I just can't open up to the pastor about my feelings. I just can't open up to anyone I was opening up to Don and he passed away . I was always a shy person just didn't know how to fit in felt like I was a burden if I talked to people about my problems when they had their own problems.  I was learning Don  cared and he was able to help me workout my problems he understood that I felt like people were judging me. DON NEVER JUDGED ME. I FEEL LIKE A PASTOR JUST JUDGES ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOES. I GUESS IT'S JUST ME..I JUST FEEL LIKE I JUST LET DON DOWN. AND I LET MYSELF DOWN 2 BY LETTING DON DOWN.

I can totally relate to this. I too have always been extremely shy and have felt like I am burdening or bothering others which prevented me from reaching out. the few times I did, I felt like I was bothering them or they were not very interested, so it just reinforced this feeling. I wish I could talk to my pastor and just ask for some comforting words, he doesn't need to know the details but it helps that he did know Lily and is aware I was her friend. But I fear that my continued grief will raise questions and I don't want judgement. But I just want someone I can talk to who knew Lily and who can share our loss together. I've struggled to no longer rehash every action I took and wondering if I could have done something differently to  help keep her here, but in the end, she is still gone and beating myself up is only hurting me emotionally. I'm so tired of the pain but I have nothing else, so how do I move forward? It's difficult but I  just take one day at a time and although I think about her every day and still cry for her every day, I still try to remind myself that she is in a better place and that is all that matters.

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KMB   
1 hour ago, Lonely spouse said:

yes I do go to chruch but I just can't open up to the pastor about my feelings.

Maybe you could at least give it a try, at some point down the road, when you might feel more comfortable and open to the idea? A person of faith, such as a clergyman, should not be judgemental. Even a grief specialist, such as a counselor or therapist shouldn't be judgemental.

I am also shy, and have been more on the introverted side. I have found out the hard way though, we all need someone to talk to, someone who will listen and understand, with no bias. You need to give people a chance. They might surprise you. You cannot be worried about being a burden and bothering others. This is YOU and what you need for yourself.

No matter what, you do have us here.:wub:

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KayC   

Lonely spouse,

I am so sorry you feel that way.  I realize pastors are no different from the rest of us, I've had some I saw that way, but the one I currently have is so far from judgmental, he's very authentic and caring, I wouldn't want a pastor any other way, they should be approachable.  

Perhaps a Grief Support Group, you wouldn't have to say anything unless you wanted to, but you could at least hear what the others are going through and feeling and perhaps in time feel more comfortable opening up.  It's not a whole lot different from being on here except for the added dimension of being able to see/feel the other person and maybe even get a real live hug.  Sometimes friendships are born out of shared feelings like this, at least I've found it to be that way in my group.

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Thank u everyone. I know I need to come out of my shell . I was starting to come out and when my husband died I crawled right back in it. He was my strength now I feel like I have no strenght at all I feel lost. Like I am all alone in this world. People say there all all kinds of stages to grieving  and I am  in the mad stage. I am mad at my husband 4 leaving me but then I feel guilty cause I know he didn't do this to be mean to me and I know he isn't hurting any more. So how can I feel guilty and mad at the same mmm e time? Does anyone else have these feelings or am I crazy?  I know I am weak and lost in this big world and I feel so alone. Thank u all 4 not judging me. 

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Eagle-96   
37 minutes ago, Lonely spouse said:

Thank u everyone. I know I need to come out of my shell . I was starting to come out and when my husband died I crawled right back in it. He was my strength now I feel like I have no strenght at all I feel lost. Like I am all alone in this world. People say there all all kinds of stages to grieving  and I am  in the mad stage. I am mad at my husband 4 leaving me but then I feel guilty cause I know he didn't do this to be mean to me and I know he isn't hurting any more. So how can I feel guilty and mad at the same mmm e time? Does anyone else have these feelings or am I crazy?  I know I am weak and lost in this big world and I feel so alone. Thank u all 4 not judging me. 

LonelySpouse,

Keep in mind that the "stages of grief" were originally meant to describe the stages that a person them self goes through that has been given a terminal diagnosis. They are not meant to describe the stages we go through at the loss of someone else. With this in mid, understand that there are still a wide range of emotions you can, and will, go through and they can come alone or in multiples. You are not weak. You are experiencing the hardest thing that most people ever go through. And you are certainly not alone. We are all here walking this road and we will help carry you when you can't make it yourself.

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LoveGoli   
On 7/25/2017 at 4:23 AM, Lonely spouse said:

yes I WILL ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I LET DON DOWN. BUT HOW DO I CHANGE THAT FEELING I FEEL LIKE IT IS MY FAULT CAUSE I WAS THE ONEWHO WAS THERE WITH HIM AND I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS SUSPOSE TO BE THERE TO HELP HIM. AND I FAILED AS A WIFE.  I JUST KEEP ASKING MYSELF WHY WHY DIDNT I TRY TO FOECE HIM TO GO TO THE ER BUT HE SAID HE WANTED TO DIE AT HOME AND WHILE HE WAS ASLEEP AND HE DID JUST THAT.  I WILL ALWAYS FEEL GULITY AND PEOPLE TELLING ME OH YOU SHOULD OF DID MORE DOESNT HELP ME FEEL BETTER. I JUST PRAY THAT WHEN THOSE PEOPLE ARE PUT IN THIS  POSITION THEY HAVE PEOPLE NOT TREATING THEM THE WAY THEY ARE TREATING ME.

  

Your these lines realized me my situation when my husband was suffering from chickenpox. At day two he was having severe abdomen pain and he refused to go doctor and i did not force him as I thought it is just chickenpox and he will recover by next day but next day he was having back pain and I asked doctor if we can admit him but doctor said no to this because doctor thought he might catch other infection but I was the one in home with him and I was seeing him in so much pain, I should force doctor to check him or if he can visit him at home, I regret for all 3 days decisions made by myself and I will not forgive myself for that.

If I forced him on second or third day for hospitalization, he might be with me and I don't have to write all these here but I admit him on 4th day and by the time I think it was too late because internal bleeding was started by 4th day. Oh gosh I wish I could admit him earlier, I regret too much for my foolish decisions. 

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Eagle-96   
7 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Your these lines realized me my situation when my husband was suffering from chickenpox. At day two he was having severe abdomen pain and he refused to go doctor and i did not force him as I thought it is just chickenpox and he will recover by next day but next day he was having back pain and I asked doctor if we can admit him but doctor said no to this because doctor thought he might catch other infection but I was the one in home with him and I was seeing him in so much pain, I should force doctor to check him or if he can visit him at home, I regret for all 3 days decisions made by myself and I will not forgive myself for that.

If I forced him on second or third day for hospitalization, he might be with me and I don't have to write all these here but I admit him on 4th day and by the time I think it was too late because internal bleeding was started by 4th day. Oh gosh I wish I could admit him earlier, I regret too much for my foolish decisions. 

I must admit that I still struggle with 2nd guessing the trust I put in doctors when Lori had her heart attack. It eats at me every day and probably will the rest of my life. You trusted the advice of a doctor. And why wouldn't you. They are the experts. You had no reason to believe that the doctor was doing anything but the best for him. You did the best you could with the information you had at the time. What I am saying is that YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME.

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KayC   
19 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

LonelySpouse,

Keep in mind that the "stages of grief" were originally meant to describe the stages that a person them self goes through that has been given a terminal diagnosis. They are not meant to describe the stages we go through at the loss of someone else. With this in mid, understand that there are still a wide range of emotions you can, and will, go through and they can come alone or in multiples. You are not weak. You are experiencing the hardest thing that most people ever go through. And you are certainly not alone. We are all here walking this road and we will help carry you when you can't make it yourself.

Good point, you took the words right out of my mouth.  We can feel conflicting things at the same time, that's because our loss is multifaceted.  We will experience all kinds of emotions, some of them at the same time and all of them perfectly normal.

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