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Lost of my husband best friend


Lonely spouse

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Lonely spouse

:( yea I had to force myself to go out in the snow and play with our dog cause I Knew it was suspose to be Don  Survivor and (our other dog Buddy) who is now wth Don & me all playing in the snow and sledding when I seen people having fun I hated it but  and when i seen them holding each other it made me sad cause Don use to hold me so I wouldnt fall on the ice. I was jealous. I keep thinking why is their loved one still with them and my best friend had to go home so soon its not fair. But i knew Don wouldnt want me thinking that way. I knew Don wanted me to play with Survivor cause he was in heaven laughing at us. The thought of knowing Don is laughing at me and Survivor from heaven helped me and knowing Survivor had fun really helped me. Its true dogs are a great stress reliever i couldnt get through the the lost of DON and my dog BUDDY without Survivor. I feel like people judge me for grieving but Survior doesn't hope that makes sense

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Lonely spouse

Thank you I feel so much better to know that other people still talk to their loved ones and write to them i do tell him the funny stuff that happens even know he  sees it from heaven and I can see him laughing. I don't know who will read the letter when something happens to me but it won't matter. I only tell him the good and funny stuff cause he hated hearing bad stressful stuff. I talk to him all the time I always tell him i love him and miss him and I always thank God and Don every day for watching over me and protecting me.just like he did when he was here with me wait he still is with me in my heart. Thank you 4 letting me know I am not the only one who writes letters to my husband. 

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I talk to him every day...better than that, I believe he's still out there and reads my letters to him...and sometimes when I write him in my journal, I'll dream of him at night. It's not the same but it's a form of relief. It helps me, as crazy as it sounds to some, believe that there's an afterlife and that he's there...and that I'll be there too someday. On days like today, I just wish I could die... it happens. I hate being alive without him. It was the two month anniversary of his passing on the 17th. I didn't shed a tear that day. For whatever reason, it happened (is happening) today.

I just took an uber pool home and started ugly crying in the car thinking about the last day I had with him. Now I'm home and I can't stop crying.

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On 1/19/2018 at 8:27 AM, Lonely spouse said:

:( yea I had to force myself to go out in the snow and play with our dog cause I Knew it was suspose to be Don  Survivor and (our other dog Buddy) who is now wth Don & me all playing in the snow and sledding when I seen people having fun I hated it but  and when i seen them holding each other it made me sad cause Don use to hold me so I wouldnt fall on the ice. I was jealous. I keep thinking why is their loved one still with them and my best friend had to go home so soon its not fair. But i knew Don wouldnt want me thinking that way. I knew Don wanted me to play with Survivor cause he was in heaven laughing at us. The thought of knowing Don is laughing at me and Survivor from heaven helped me and knowing Survivor had fun really helped me. Its true dogs are a great stress reliever i couldnt get through the the lost of DON and my dog BUDDY without Survivor. I feel like people judge me for grieving but Survior doesn't hope that makes sense

Oh Hon, it makes all the sense in the world!  Another reason I love spending time with my dog Arlie.  And he's so considerate, today he let me sleep in nine hours and he was so quiet even though he needed to go outside and was late getting fed.  Dogs are wonderful.

I understand your feeling jealous when you see couples together.  We had a discussion about that very thing in sunday school last week.  I know it's important to accept what is and not be envious of others, that leads to nothing good, their situation has nothing to do with ours, but I also know we're human and our emotions are sometimes pretty hard to deal with.  I think it's normal to feel this way for a time but not healthy for us to stay in, but I also know all our time periods are going to be different as to our progression through this journey and when and how we handle things, so nothing to judge, just understanding.

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On 1/19/2018 at 8:38 AM, Lonely spouse said:

Thank you I feel so much better to know that other people still talk to their loved ones and write to them i do tell him the funny stuff that happens even know he  sees it from heaven and I can see him laughing. I don't know who will read the letter when something happens to me but it won't matter. I only tell him the good and funny stuff cause he hated hearing bad stressful stuff. I talk to him all the time I always tell him i love him and miss him and I always thank God and Don every day for watching over me and protecting me.just like he did when he was here with me wait he still is with me in my heart. Thank you 4 letting me know I am not the only one who writes letters to my husband. 

I talk to George all the time, and still write letters when I feel the need.  We started OUT writing letters as that's how we met, I'd written a letter to the editor and he looked up my contact information and wrote to me, I wrote back, etc.  Those letter writing days were precious, so it's funny I end up how we started out, only I don't get a response, no flutter of my heart going to the mailbox anymore.

 

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20 hours ago, lovingstill said:

I talk to him every day...better than that, I believe he's still out there and reads my letters to him...and sometimes when I write him in my journal, I'll dream of him at night. It's not the same but it's a form of relief. It helps me, as crazy as it sounds to some, believe that there's an afterlife and that he's there...and that I'll be there too someday. On days like today, I just wish I could die... it happens. I hate being alive without him. It was the two month anniversary of his passing on the 17th. I didn't shed a tear that day. For whatever reason, it happened (is happening) today.

I just took an uber pool home and started ugly crying in the car thinking about the last day I had with him. Now I'm home and I can't stop crying.

I'm sorry you had a bad day.  I totally think my husband can read my letters.  If I'm delusional, let me have my delusions.  :D

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17 minutes ago, KayC said:

I'm sorry you had a bad day.  I totally think my husband can read my letters.  If I'm delusional, let me have my delusions.  :D

I wish we could like others' posts !

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Lonely spouse

Well if u are delusional then I guess we all are. Cause I have told everyone that I write letters to Don and i know and I believe he is and can read the letter while I am writing it 2 him. I have never been good at expressing my feelings so Don use to tell me just write down how u are feeling & we can talk about it so I know he is reading the letters and helping me in his way deal with all the emonations I am feeling . So may be I am crazy but I will always believe Don reads my letters

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I sit on the edge of my bed and talk to my husband. Lights out and complete silence. Sometimes i feel a brush on my hand or a noise in the room. I think it’s him and if I’m delusional so what, it keeps me functioning from one day to the next . Whatever works :) 

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I couldn't agree more!  It's what we have to do to get through this, and if they're spirit not physical right now, I don't see anything stopping them from being here and reading our letters or hearing us when we talk to them (which I do all the time).  

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The 27th it was a month after my husband of 30 years left me to grieve his loss. I think I want to die. He beat cancer 22 years ago and it came back two years ago. Then we discovered he had a bone marrow condition that came from his cancer treatment 22 years ago. He was 20 years older than me and we always felt more than likely I would survive him.  He worked up until the end of July when his COPD flared up. That started a series of in and out of hospital. The doctors never told us there wasn't anymore they could do, so I assumed we were still fighting with hope. The signs were there that his body was getting ready to go. Sleeping a lot, dark colored urine, sudden loss of appitite.  He still wanted to go back to work. The nurse finally convinced me to go home for a while to get some rest. I didn't want to go and shouldn't have, no sooner than I got home they called and said he was taken to the ICU and they needed to Intubate him, I gave my consent and flew back. That was the last time I had a conversation with him. They believe that it was temporary while they treated him with anitibiotics and tried to find what kind of infection he had, by Christmas morning it was clear that his organs were shutting down, I asked to get Christmas day to give my grandkids there gifts and have dinner. Told the doctors I wanted no more treatment, just keep him comfortable and after dinner all the family assembled at the hospital and everyone visited and wished him a merry Christmas. I assembled them in the waiting room and told them he wasn't going to get better and we would have the day after Christmas for friends who wanted to come and see him one last time.  We took him off the vent and he took four or five hard breaths and I told him to go. Three very shallow breaths and he was gone.  I have cried and asked for him to give me a sign. I keep going over the would haves, could haves and should haves. I wish we would have talked about him dying and how we both felt about it, but since the doctors didn't say there was no hope we didn't.  He was 79 and I am 59 I never felt that there was the age difference. He was my soul mate. I feel like one of my limbs has been amputated and It hurts but it isn't there.

 Since his death my granddaughter who is 3 1/2 said she had a dream about Paw Paw. She told us that he told her he loved her to the moon and  back.  Today I started crying and she asked what was wrong. I told her I was missing Pawpaw. She said Paw Paw wants you to be happy. I asked her who told her that. She said Pawpaw did yesterday.  She also told me a couple days ago that Paw Paw is on a mountain with Jesus. I would like to think he is giving her messages for me. I have cried out for a sign to know he is there. 

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@Heart Broken

I am so sorry for your loss.  Children are more open spirits than we adults with our preset thinking so it doesn't surprise me that the message is coming to you through your little granddaughter.  I am glad you got a sign that you asked for, not everyone does, and not always so soon.  I've heard it takes them great effort to give us a sign, being spirit rather than physical now.

Age doesn't factor in, we know our soul mate when we meet and get to know them, at least that's how it was for me with my husband.  My husband passed when he barely turned 51, we never expected that, we thought we had many years left together.  

 

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Lonely spouse

wow I am so sorry 4 ur lost. I too thought I would have plenary of years with my soul mate and best friend. But 4 some reason God called him home. We did talk about him passing but I guess I was just not wanting to realize it would really happen. DON really did try 2 prepare  me but I just kept saying ok but Don u are not going to leave me 4 a long long time. We have so much more to do together. I just can't let go and I am so glad I get the signs from my best friend. I talk 2 him all the time. And I feel like he answers back in his own way. I am sad I lost my husband Don but I am also very BLESSED THAT I GOT TO CALL DON MY HUSBAND ,MY FRIEND AND MY HERO. AND I MY TRULY BLESSED CAUSE HE WAS MY STRENGHT THEN AND NOW HE IS MY GUARDIAN ANGEL. I FEEL LIKE WE ALL GET SIGNS FROM OUR LOVED ONES. NO MATTER WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK. DON IS ALWAYS WITH ME TAKING CARE OF ME PROTECTING ME LIKE HE ALWAYS DID.SOME PEOPLE SAY I AM CRAZY 4 SAYING THAT BUT I AM ONLY SAYING THAT CAUSE I KNOW IT'S TRUE.

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I've learned to not worry about what others think, I don't usually bring it up to people who wouldn't get it.  This is the place where people understand, we've all been through it and are walking this together.  I feel the same as you, that I am blessed I got to call George my husband, he was my soul mate and best friend.

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I'm deeply sorry for your loss.  This is your loss.  This is your grief. You decide on what is going to guide you through this pain.  There may never be answers to your questions.  We have all asked ourselves many of the same questions you are asking yourself. You are not being punished. In time you will find clarity.  Your time.  

As you move through these posts you're going to find many powerful healing words and guidance from individuals who share your experience.  Individuals who understand the intensity of your loss.  This is a rough journey.  It will be your journey to navigate through .... on your terms.  The support is here and elsewhere to be found.  I've received encouraging suggestions and ideas from people here.  I'm starting a grief board...a vision board.  Thank you Micheline for that idea. I've also researched Grief Share and one is actually conveniently located.  We each work through our grief differently. You will find comfort and solace here.  

I found this helpful in starting my day:  Healing After Loss  Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief   Martha Whitmore Hickman

Another book suggested throughout this site:  It's OK That You're NOT OK   Megan Devine  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Lonely spouse

Thank u for the suggestions I am going to check on those books. My cousin who has went through the same thing lost of her husband. Suggested for me to watch the movie The Shack. I did and it was like they made the movie and knew exactly what I was feeling. There is also the book called The Shack. I guess I will never understand why God put Don in my life and then he takes him away from me?  But I guess one day I will be able 2 ask God. I am sure Greatful God gave me the 6 years with Don.

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Lonely spouse

Thank u for the suggestions I am going to check on those books. My cousin who has went through the same thing lost of her husband. Suggested for me to watch the movie The Shack. I did and it was like they made the movie and knew exactly what I was feeling. There is also the book called The Shack. I guess I will never understand why God put Don in my life and then he takes him away from me?  But I guess one day I will be able 2 ask God. I am sure Greatful God gave me the 6 years with Don.

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Lonely spouse

Thank u for the suggestions I am going to check on those books. My cousin who has went through the same thing lost of her husband. Suggested for me to watch the movie The Shack. I did and it was like they made the movie and knew exactly what I was feeling. There is also the book called The Shack. I guess I will never understand why God put Don in my life and then he takes him away from me?  But I guess one day I will be able 2 ask God. I am sure Greatful God gave me the 6 years with Don.

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Wow, I just saw the trailer on it, it looks powerful.
Me too, Lonely Spouse, I got 6 1/2 years with George, He's been gone now nearly twice that time.  He left an indelible print on me.

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Lonely spouse

:(Well this has been a very sad & hard day 4 me. Today is Don's birthday. I had a hard time today i baked a cake his favorite kind 4 him to like i did every year 4 him but the bad thing was i got so upset over a stupid thing my mom was trying to help and she put the wrong frosting on Don's cake I got so upset and accused her of ruining his cake and his birthday. But I know Don wouldnt of got upset over a stupid thing like that. Is being stupid and just snapping at people over nothing part of the grieving?  I went to our special place and sent a balloon to him in heaven but was told I was dumb cause he didn't know I believe he knew I sent him a balloon. I have been so depressed and just having mood swings happy depressed and mad is it just me feeling sorry 4 myself or is it just a way of grieving? I am so confused. And feel so guilty about Don passing away.how can I make people understand  what u feel when I can understand myself? 

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Lonely spouse

Am I the only one who feels this way? I wanted to laugh 2 day cause our fur baby brought Don a birthday present he dropped it right next to me right where Don's feet would of been. I wanted to laugh but I started crying instead.i felt guilty for Don not being here with Survivior and me. But some days I want to be mad at him 4 leaving us is that wrong?   

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Lonely spouse,

It's ok to laugh, and I know what you mean about feeling guilty--that you enjoyed something and your husband isn't there, and then the anger too. I know what you mean. It's not wrong; you feel what you feel, and it's ok. No one can tell you what you should feel or shouldn't feel. Some days I am grateful for the time I had with my husband, other times I am so angry at God. I will mutter to myself in the morning, "You can see how this is all screwed up, God. You really messed up..." It is funny that your pet brought something for your husband. It's ok to laugh. It's also ok to feel guilty. Birthdays are hard; everything is hard. A counselor told me a lot of our emotions have to do with a sense of lack of control over things, and I see that, but it is hard not to want to control some things. My pet has become very clingy--follows me everywhere, meowing constantly. I think he is worried I will go away, too, and I don't know how to explain it to him. Sometimes I try to imagine what it would be like for him, if I had gone, and he was left here. I would want him to laugh at funny things. You go ahead and laugh, it's who you are and it's why he loved you, because you are you. 

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14 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

Is being stupid and just snapping at people over nothing part of the grieving?

Yes, we are ultra-sensitive when we are grieving.  When you recognize you've over-reacted to someone, just apologize and tell them you're feeling ultra-sensitive due to your grief.  They may or may not get it but that's up to them.  

No one has any business telling you he doesn't know you sent him a balloon, they don't know that!  What the hell!  I have to tell you a funny story...It was George's first anv. of death and I wanted to get a message to him, so I wrote a note to him, put it in a balloon, and released it.  It went up in the air, burst, and came back down on me!  I laughed, I felt it was George's way of letting me know he got it.  :D  If you're crazy, you have plenty of company, I have no doubt I am!

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14 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

Am I the only one who feels this way? I wanted to laugh 2 day cause our fur baby brought Don a birthday present he dropped it right next to me right where Don's feet would of been. I wanted to laugh but I started crying instead.i felt guilty for Don not being here with Survivior and me. But some days I want to be mad at him 4 leaving us is that wrong?   

Absolutely NOTHING you feel is "wrong"!  Our feelings are not right or wrong, they're just something we contend with and they can be all over the place and sometimes even conflicting but felt at the same time!  They don't have to make sense or be logical.  And we're all over the place when we're grieving!

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On 2/5/2018 at 7:07 AM, Lonely spouse said:

Thank u for the suggestions I am going to check on those books. My cousin who has went through the same thing lost of her husband. Suggested for me to watch the movie The Shack. I did and it was like they made the movie and knew exactly what I was feeling. There is also the book called The Shack. I guess I will never understand why God put Don in my life and then he takes him away from me?  But I guess one day I will be able 2 ask God. I am sure Greatful God gave me the 6 years with Don.

I bought the movie Hachi: A dog's tale. For those of you who don't know the story, it's about a man and his dog goes everywhere with him-follows him to the train station everyday and waits for him to come home from work. One day the man does not come home because he has died at work. the dog still waits and waits, for years. People feed him. they try to adopt him, but he runs away and goes back to the station and waits. In the end, the dog dies and is reunited with his master. It's a true story, there's a statue of the dog in Japan. The version in the movie is a little different--Richard Gere--obviously not set in Japan. In fact, when my husband and I were watching it a year ago we started objecting to things, but by the end we were crying just the same. 

I like to think we will all be reunited in the end, and that I will be with my husband again. 

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I have that movie on my DVR , it is one of my favorite movies of all time.  That dog's devotion and love is so pure, it can't fail to wrench your heart to watch it.  I'm so glad for him that he is finally with his master, whom he loved and adored.

Interestingly, in my ladies group this week they set me to the task of finding where it says in the Bible that we are to love God as a dog loves his master.  I found it but you have to go back to the Greek to find it...the word is Proskuneo (or Proskyneo)  which is translated "worship" in our English speaking versions, it's listed 61 times in the New Testament.  The word in Greek means "to kiss, like a dog licking his master's hand, to fawn or crouch to, pay homage to (do reverence to, adore).  Worship.

it's interesting that dog is God spelled backwards...just a little aside.  To me, dogs are the most wonderful of creatures, they are devoted, loving, and so wonderful about putting everything back into perspective with their antics!  Hachi was a true story and an actual dog, and he is the prime example of love and devotion.

A while back I came home to find my roofer working away on my patio roof.  My dog was giving him fits, barking, even though he's usually pretty quiet.  I apologized to the roofer for his putting him through it, and he said, "He didn't peep until you came home."  My dog was not protecting our home, he was protecting ME!

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Lonely spouse

wow it's been a while sense I have been on here I guess i was just trying to hide from the depression and the world. so tired of all the lost yea I heard another friend passed away i guess the guilt of not seeing her b 4 she passed was to much and I still carry the guilt for Don passing. well i just wanted to say I hope every 1 has a great Thanksgiving. i think i have nothing to be Thankful 4 then i remeber Don always said we always have something to be Thankful for i Have the time with Don my dad and i still have my mom and one of my fur babies and i am very Thankful i still have God in my life. 

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I'm glad you checked in and I hope we always find something to be thankful for.  Life is ever changing and sometimes those changes aren't welcome but we go through different seasons of life and even in our loss we can remember how lucky we were to have had them in our lives, and know they love us still.

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Lonely spouse

Hello everyone I posted or vented on here yesterday hope I didnt offended anyone. I was sad lonely depressed and just tired of people telling me its Christmas I should be joyfull full of happiness. How without my husband hero best friend & my strength & my dad and furbaby. Tired of trying to explain to people it's not easy to be happy and I am tired of faking it 4 people who dont understand. But anyway Don would want me to have wished everyone a Merry Christmas sorry I am a day late. And he would also want me to say Happy belated birthday to you Jesus Christ. Praying 2020 is better but it will still be lonely.

thanks everyone 4 letting me post this again if anyone is offended sorry that isnt what I wanted

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Oh Hon, you didn't offend us!  That's what this place is for, a safe place to vent, to share our true feelings.  I just wish I could take everyone's pain away...sigh...

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Lonely spouse

Hi everyone I havent  been on here in a while tried to deal with everything but cant keeping it to myself didnt work. There has been so many deaths 2 of my aunts within days or weeks  of each other. I just need to now why? Plus is this site ok for my friend 's teenage daughter  to come to she lost her friend in an drowning  accident ? I know it says for lost of souse but was wondering  if she could talk about her friend on here.

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Of course it'd be okay for her to come on here...she might feel more comfortable in the teen section, but she can try either she's comfortable with.  I am so sorry for her loss, that's very hard to grasp at such a young age.  

And Lonely spouse, it's good to express yourself, even questions no one can answer, like "why."  I finally quit asking, never found any resounding answers.  Not sure life HAS those answers, esp. "why me?"  Why do other people get to keep their spouse but not me?

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Lonely spouse

yes that's exactly how I feel why did my husband have to die and other people get to have their husbands or wives? Why did God take my husband? Am I bring punished 4 something I did 4 a mistake I made? People say say I am a jealous person yes I am jealous I am angry when I see people hoding hands and I am alone and knowing that use to be me and my husband holding hands. I get angry @ God myself and don for what happened. I guess I will always be a jealous heartbroken person that people dont understand. I try to fake it for people but inside I am hurting bad

 to many people i let get close pass away i guess that's why i get scared and go hide. Scared of the lost

I think everyone on hear understands. 

and thank you I will tell her to check the teen section thank you KayC. She is hurting but trying her best to hide it is so sad.

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@Lonely spouse sometimes I don’t have it in me post. The losses keep coming, each new member breaks my heart. I to find myself jealous, I guess no one ever told me life was fair but our emotions are challenged and tested. Sadly we are left here, forced to deal i with our new situation. I try to stay away from couple gatherings, but it seems impossible. The world seems to be geared to couples. 

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I know it FEELS like you're singled out, but you're not, death/loss happens to a lot of us, and no it's nothing you did, not a punishment.  These thoughts naturally occur to us and our minds go everywhere.  

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On 6/25/2020 at 2:17 PM, Lonely spouse said:

Am I bring punished 4 something I did 4 a mistake I made?

NO!  Sorry to "shout," but this is really important.  I felt that way too for a while.  Then I realized that if my husband's cancer and death were to punish me, he was the one who truly suffered.  What kind of God would do that?  Sure, I know the story of Job, practically by heart from youth and teen years, but I now consider it a parable.  Because no God who I would want to believe in would have made my beloved, a good, kind, honest, caring man, suffer that way in order to hurt me or teach me some sort of lesson.  That would be like my parents spanking my brother because I did something wrong.

I gave this some thought for a while and that's my conclusion:  Neither my husband nor I were being punished.  I've stopped asking (make that screaming sometimes) why.  There is no why, at least not in this life.  Now, maybe in the next, in whatever form that turns out to be.  And maybe my love already knows.  For now, I live with the uncertainty and no answer except to have faith that a just and loving God, again in whatever form someone believes, does not harm others to punish someone else.

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