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    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Lonely spouse

Lost of my husband best friend

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yes this so very true and it's so frustrating when people say oh I understand how u feel. Is this suppose to make a person feel better. No one knows how I feel unless they have lost their husband or wife mother or father. A person doesn't make me feel better by lying to me saying I know how u feel when u rea)y don't. It makes me feel worst to know a friend or family member lied to me. Just tell me the truth I am sorry about ur lost I wish I knew what to say to confront u. At least u have told me the truth.. I pray No one will have to deal with the pain we are dealing with but I know everyone will be going through the lost of a loved one. And I am thankful 4 places like this  where people do know what it's like I still ask the million  $ question why? 

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yep I have been told by people yea ok right once a person has passed u can't talk to them  u just have to go on with ur life well to all them people go bug someone else cause I know I have gotten singials from Don and God. And I will always be in love with Don he took part of me home with him and I know I will be with him again . He's still in my heart. I know he was with me on the 4th of July cause he helped me and he always told me how God had helped him so he showed me that day that God will work his miracles and he let Don communicate with me.. I learned from Don it doesn't matter what people say about me they are not my judge and jury. I only need to please God and I guess I have cause he is still allowing Don to take care of me. He put Don in my life 4 a reason I thought he took Don away but he didn't he made me realize  I can never loose the people I love.

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KayC   

I talk to George every day.  Sometimes in my thoughts, sometimes out loud.  Heaven help the person that tries to tell me he can't hear me!  &*%!%  They have no right to say something like that, we're all trying to get through this the best way we can!  They don't know our spouse can't hear us!  They know Jack Sh*t!  Sorry, sometimes the things people say really get my goat.

Try not to pay them any mind. Keep on doing what you're doing.  I'm glad you felt him with you, helping you through the holiday, they're tough to get through.

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Yes they are I never ever thought this would happen to me so soon he was so happy and so young . But I know I will always have 2 deal with stupid people until I see Don again but I will never stop talking to and asking Don for advice. May be people judge me but I don't care when I am down Don sends a song on the radio it's what he use to sing to me when I was down . He said whenever I hear it weather he was at work asleep or working in the yard just know he is with me and everything will be fine. It's called Walking (moving on) by Toby Mack. Everytime i hear it I Know Don is right by my side. I just want 2 thank everyone on here 4 not judging me . And understanding how I feel.

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KayC   

Lonely Spouse,

I'm glad he's sending you songs, that is so special!

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THANK YOU I JUST MISS HIM SO MUCH. I hate it when people tell me of give it time it will get easier or when they say oh in time you will get over it. Yea right how can you get over the love of your life? I know I can't. I think people who get over their loved ones was really never in love. But that's just my opion. I was truly in love with my husband Don and I can't get over him. Sorry if I am wrong. 

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Artesia   

You don't have to get over him. 

I won't judge other people's relationships. But why do you have to get over him? Why do you have to meet someone else?

I will never get over Tim. I don't know why anyone would want me to... 

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KayC   

Are you kidding?  We NEVER get over our soulmate!  We do good just to learn to live with all the changes this has made to our lives.  They'd sing a different tune if it happened to them.

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Thank u guys finally someone who understands. I never thought I would be left with my husband I always thought I would go home first. Cause I am the weak person and Don is the strong one who always made everything ok with the help of God. But it's family that is saying I need to move on get in group activities well I wasn't in them b 4 so why now they think they are helping me by saying get over Don  NO WAY it's only been 4 months and I don't care if it 400 years I won't get over my true love.  I guess they think I am going to go back into my shell well I already have . I don't want to meet anyone  I hate going to a store cause it hurts 2 c someone holding hands or laughing. It makes me sad. Even know I know I should be happy 4 them. Am I wrong 4 feeling like I want to slap theym 4 being happy? I just want my Donny back. That way I have me back. Does that make any sense? 

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Artesia   

You can't be who you were with him, Because he is gone. 

I know people around me are struggling with this with me. I can never be Lisa with Tim again, because Tim is gone. I am Lisa who loves Tim. I am Lisa who is heartbroken without Tim. And I am becoming Lisa who has to go on without Tim. And she is probably not as nice. She is more selfish. She is in pain. So deal, people!

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HHFaith   
6 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

I hate going to a store cause it hurts 2 c someone holding hands or laughing. It makes me sad. Even know I know I should be happy 4 them. Am I wrong 4 feeling like I want to slap theym 4 being happy

No not wrong at all for feeling like that. I also hate seeeing people holding hands. Always makes me sad and want to cry.  That should be me and Pat!  I am now going through this thing where I want to say to those people "don't get too used to being happy. One of you will die!"  How awful is that?!

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KayC   
9 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

Thank u guys finally someone who understands. I never thought I would be left with my husband I always thought I would go home first. Cause I am the weak person and Don is the strong one who always made everything ok with the help of God. But it's family that is saying I need to move on get in group activities well I wasn't in them b 4 so why now they think they are helping me by saying get over Don  NO WAY it's only been 4 months and I don't care if it 400 years I won't get over my true love.  I guess they think I am going to go back into my shell well I already have . I don't want to meet anyone  I hate going to a store cause it hurts 2 c someone holding hands or laughing. It makes me sad. Even know I know I should be happy 4 them. Am I wrong 4 feeling like I want to slap theym 4 being happy? I just want my Donny back. That way I have me back. Does that make any sense? 

Oh no, you're not wrong, your feelings are normal grief feelings.  We never get over this!  The best we can hope for is to eventually adjust and learn to live with the changes it has meant to our life.  I had to have my daughter do the grocery shopping in the beginning, it was way too painful, George and I always did it together, we did everything together.

 

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KMB   

Makes me sad and tearful also. At the same time, I also think that my husband and I had our time together here. I cherish so many memories of us holding hands in public, in a vehicle and sitting next to each other. I will get to do it again when I see him in Heaven.

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NO THAT ISNT AWFUL AT ALL CAUSE SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE SAYING THAT TO PEOPLE OR SAYING TO THEMBETTER NOT GET TO CLOSE CAUSE ONE DAY YOU WILL BE ALONE CAUSE GOD WILL BE CALLING ONE OF YOU HOME SOON. BUT THEN THISE PEOPLE WILL LOOK AT ME LIKE I AM CRAZY. BUT EVEN KNOW I HATE TO SAY IT ONE DAY THEY WILL BE IN OUR SHOES TRYING TO DEAL WITH THE LOST OF A LOVED ONE. ITSSO SAD CAUSE LAST YEAR I LOST MY DAD AND AUNT.MY AUNT PASSED THREE DAYS AFTER WE BURRIED MY DAY DON WAS THERE 4 ME AND NOW THIS YEAR I LOOSE DON AND I HAD TO FIGURE OUT WHY AND I STILL ASK MYSELF WHY. I JUST FEEL SO GULITY. BUT I GUESS WE ARE FEEL LIKE WHAT OF WE WOULD OF DONE JUST ONE THING DIFFERENT. I JUST WONDER DOES THE WHAT IF EVER STOP?    

 

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KayC   

I think we have to shut the "what ifs" off ourselves, in the beginning they come, then one day we just realize it doesn't do any good to rehash what didn't happen and deal with what did, we have to accept that we loved to the fullest and tried our best and that has to be enough.  They know how we feel, they love us still.

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Yes I guess you are right well I know you are right but it is just so hard for me to 4 give myself cause I know if it was the other way around he would of gotten me to and ER  but I couldn't get him to one he refused to allow me to call 911 we thought ok its just a bad headache. I just wish I would of know just how bad it was and I guess I wll always have to guilt of I should of done something. specially when people keep telling me oh you didn't even try if that would of been me I would of called or forced him to go get checked. Yea I guess I should of but how do you force a person to do something they don't want to do? I am so tired of hearing from people who haven't experienced this type of lost saying how they would of done things differently. well when this happens to them I guess I will see just how they handle it sense they seem to think they can do something differently and save their loved one, I thought the only person who could save a person was God. I could be wrong. and I also have eople trying to tell me what he passed away of when all the death certificate says is pending people are just guessing and I feel like slapping them. its been almost 5 months Aug 5th 2017 will be 5 months and still the death certificate hasn't been stamped buy the medical examiner. has it took anyone this long to get your spouses death certificate back? don't these people even care or understand I need to know I was right it was brain tumor that caused his death or do they even care? it didn't take this long to get my dad's death certificate. Plus they have the wrong time of death on the one that says pending does anyone know if I can correct it? and I know God called my husband home so he wouldn't suffer but doesn't God know the me and the people who cared about my husband are down here suffering? Just like all of you are suffering over the lost of your loved ones. WHY DOES GOD TAKE AWAY THE PEOPLE WE LOVE? SORRY I AM JUST REALLY CONFUSED AND SAD TODAY I SEEN SOMEONE RIDING A BIKE MOTORCYCLE TODAY LOOKED JUST LIKE DONS IT REALLY HURT ME.   

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Eagle-96   

People seem to think that they know exactly how they would act in our shoes. What they would have done if in our place and or circumstances. They have no idea. I will always 2nd guess the choices I made on the night Lori had her heart attack. I know in my heart they were our choices. That we decided to go back to the same facility we had visited 3 days before. We made the choice not to seek a 2nd opinion. We made the choice not to call her sister(in medical field) for advice. Even though I know we made the choices I still have a hard time with feeling like I failed Lori. Like I could have done so much more. I will carry that unfounded guilt to my grave.

LonelySpouse, You did the best you could and that's all he would have asked of you. I also know that me saying that can't change the ache in your heart and won't stop you replaying those moments in your head. I still search for the alternate scenario where I did a better job of CPR or demanded more tests. I just can't seem to find it no matter how hard I look.

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yes I WILL ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I LET DON DOWN. BUT HOW DO I CHANGE THAT FEELING I FEEL LIKE IT IS MY FAULT CAUSE I WAS THE ONEWHO WAS THERE WITH HIM AND I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS SUSPOSE TO BE THERE TO HELP HIM. AND I FAILED AS A WIFE.  I JUST KEEP ASKING MYSELF WHY WHY DIDNT I TRY TO FOECE HIM TO GO TO THE ER BUT HE SAID HE WANTED TO DIE AT HOME AND WHILE HE WAS ASLEEP AND HE DID JUST THAT.  I WILL ALWAYS FEEL GULITY AND PEOPLE TELLING ME OH YOU SHOULD OF DID MORE DOESNT HELP ME FEEL BETTER. I JUST PRAY THAT WHEN THOSE PEOPLE ARE PUT IN THIS  POSITION THEY HAVE PEOPLE NOT TREATING THEM THE WAY THEY ARE TREATING ME.

  

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Yes why cant people understand we are not the same person we use to be we lost our loved one our spouse our best friend in my cause all the above plus my hero. I feel like I passed away with him and I cant be the same happy person I was with him cause the person who made me so happy is gone home with God. People tell me well you were happy b 4 you meant Don and you can be happy now that he is gone. Well wrong I am happy he is no longer hurting and he is with God but I am not happy like I was when it was the 2 of us with our 2 fur babies yea I take them to the doggie park like we use to but I don't enjoy it and they seem to notice hey this isn't as fun. I wish people would understand I was happy b 4 I meant Don but that was a different type. How can anyone except you to be happy after you have lost the love of your life. I just wish people would understand  you can find happiness after you lose your true love.    

 

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KMB   
3 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

 . How can anyone except you to be happy after you have lost the love of your life. I just wish people would understand 

So very true. Don't worry or give any thought to what people inappropriately say, nor will they never understand, until it happens to them. Myself, I don't bother with explanations or wasting time and what energy I do have, trying to get the understanding across.   This is your journey that you will do your way. Your grieving does not need to be justified by others who don't "get it".   (HUGS)

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KayC   
16 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

I should of done something. specially when people keep telling me oh you didn't even try if that would of been me I would of called or forced him to go get checked.

These people telling you that do not know what they would have done under the circumstances.  You don't know what you would have done until you're in it.  Hindsight is always easier to see with clarity but we don't get the benefit of hindsight when we're going through it.  

I have regret that I was gone the weekend my husband had a heart attack.  We hadn't even know he had heart trouble.  He'd suffered a heart attack six months prior but it had been explained away as Diabetes and the doctor didn't send him to a Cardiologist to get checked.  He should have.  We aren't doctors, we can't know what these things mean as they come, we don't suspect anything serious, we're just totally caught off guard!  George drove himself to the doctor shortly after I left, having a heart attack.  DROVE himself!  They sent him by ambulance to the hospital in the next town, quite a ways away.  I was still gone, not knowing, he didn't want me to know, didn't want my trip ruined.  ???!!

I had ridden with my sister, several hours away, she wouldn't bring me back to see him in the hospital until SHE was done gambling.  It was the worst weekend of my life.  Stuck there hours away, worrying about him.  That Saturday night I was on the phone with him (he had told me not to come, told me he would be having tests all day Saturday) he said, "I would have walked around the world on broken glass to be with you."  The first time in his life he ever said anything hinting of disagreeability with me.  I acknowledged what he said and replied, "I know you would have, George."  It hurt.  I felt his disappointment with me, the first time ever.  But I also knew it was the illness talking.  He needed me with him.  I got back on Sunday, and he had another heart attack, I ran for help, they started working on him and threw me out, locked the door.  He died.

Of course I have regret and felt that guilt, it comes with grief, whether logical or not.  But I also had to forgive myself.  I didn't know what I hadn't been told.  I couldn't drive back without a way to get there.  I didn't know he'd die that soon.  I had to understand and forgive myself.  As he would have.

I hope in time you will find your way to do so too.  You don't deserve this beating yourself up.  How I wish I could help you see that!

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NDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE SAYING ABOUT HOW I NEED TO STOP BEATING MYSELF UP CAUSE I KNOW DON WOULDNT WANT ME TO BUT I JUST KEEP THINKING ABOUT HOW WHEN I WAS SICK OR HURTING HE WAS ALWAYS THERE HE WOULD TAKE OFF WORK JUST TO BE WITH ME OR CALL TO MAKE SURE I WAS OK HE DIDNT LEAVE MY SIDE WHEN I HAD TO HAVE SURGERY LAST YEAR EXCEPT TO GO GET MY MOM TO BRING HER UP TO THE HOSPITAL HE MADE SURE I WAS TAKING CARE OF NO MATTER IF HE WAS LATE TO WORK OR HAD TO TAKE A DAY OFF EVEN KNOW WE COULDNT AFFORD IT. DON  ALWAYS PUT ME FIRST NO MATTER HOW BAD HE WAS HURTING HE WAS ALWAYS TAKING CARE OF ME HE WOULD NEVER LET ME KNOW HOW BAD HE REALLY WAS HURTING UNTIL THAT ONE DAY I SEEN HIM CRYING BUT HE STILL INSISTED HE WAS OK AND WANTED ME TO TAKE MY MEDICINE AND JUST RELAX NOT WORRY ABOUT HIM. YES DON WOULD WALK ON HOT COALS TO TAKE CARE OF ME AND I FEEL LIKE WHEN HE NEEDED ME TO BE THERE TO HELP HIM I DIDNT DO WHAT I SHOULD OF I SHOULD OF INSISTED HE GO TO THE ER BUT HE WOULD OF FAUGHT ME BUT I STILL SHOULD OF STOOD UP ND SAID I DONT CARE I KNOW YOU DONT WANT TO GO BUT YOU ARE GOING ANYWAY. BUT I WAS WEAK AND I DIDNT FIGHT HIM TO GO I BELIEVED HE WOULD BE OKCAUSE THAT IS WHAT HE SAID AND HE NEVER LIED TO ME SO WHY WOULD HE LIED THAT NIGHT? YEP I BLAME MYSELF FOR OT DOING MORE FOR DON SPECIALLY WHEN I WAS SUSPOSE TO BE HIS BEST FRIEND SOME FRIEND I TURNED OUT TO BE TO DON. DON PLEASE ACEPT MY APOLOGY I AM SO SORRY I DIDNT DO MORE 4 YOU THAT NIGHT I KNOW I SHOULD OF FORCED YOU TO GO TO THE ER BUT YOU ALWAYS SAID PLEASE DONT ARGUE WITH YOU ABOUT GOING TO THE ER. AND I DIDNT I FEEL LIKE I LET YOU DOWNAND I AM SO SORRRY DON. 

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You are in so much pain. 

I have been reading this forum here and there for the last three months but never felt like writing anything until now. I lost my wife of nearly 26 years in April. It was more or less sudden or should I say I expected her to survive the heart surgery she had.

Every day, whether I want to or not, all of the events of the last six months of her life roll around in my mind and I wish on my life that I could have another go at it. Make different choices. Maybe she would have survived if we had done this or done that. They were tough decisions to make. Having the surgery. And I helped her make them and maybe they were the wrong ones. I mean, it didn't work. She's dead.

So I have felt this guilt you are feeling to one degree or another for nearly three months now. This Friday will be three months.

The first week after she died I seriously felt like it was my fault. Why hadn't I done more? Why hadn't I been a better husband to her those last months of her life?

I have also experienced various forms of other people's judgement and well meant but useless advice. Clichés and platitudes that only make me feel worse. And then those that suddenly avoid the heck out of me because they cannot imagine dealing with something like this.

But you know what? That first day when I lost her five people came to my house. From the East coast and LA and Tacoma they rushed here to Northern California to be with me. And others kept me on the phone until they got here that night. And over the following month, my friends conspired to have someone here, each for a week. Just to help prop me up. And I also have my sons, 13 and 15. They have been wonderful even though they are hurting.

And I also know that while I will never get over losing her, I can make a life. I can move on. Everyone likes to say well you have to, you have kids. Yes, but I have to because of me too. I deserve to have a life as long as I can. And that is what she and your husband would want. They want us to live on.

Sorry to pour out my own problems in your thread but I think I am trying to say that I understand and I shed a tear or two for you tonight and I hope that you know that you are not alone and that your life with him was still worth it even though we are paying such a high price for that life and that love now.

I found an old voice recorder tonight that she bought in 1988 and used back then for work she did. Dictating. And I put some batteries in it and it worked and there she was. Her voice. At first I thought it would hurt like hell but it didn't. It was comforting to hear her voice again. I ended up feeling sad of course but I do have hope that I am headed in a direction and I hope the same for you and that you find joy again somehow, someday.

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KayC   
9 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

DON PLEASE ACEPT MY APOLOGY I AM SO SORRY I DIDNT DO MORE 4 YOU THAT NIGHT I KNOW I SHOULD OF FORCED YOU TO GO TO THE ER BUT YOU ALWAYS SAID PLEASE DONT ARGUE WITH YOU ABOUT GOING TO THE ER. AND I DIDNT I FEEL LIKE I LET YOU DOWNAND I AM SO SORRRY DON. 

You said it.  It was good to express how you're feeling inside.  Please try to accept that he hears and accepts your apology.  It's good to put it into words.  Oh how I wish you could know he not only forgives you, but doesn't even think you need forgiving!

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KayC   

wheatgeneration,

Thank you for sharing your story, it helps that we are, none of us, totally alone in what we are feeling.  I am sorry for your loss, this is a journey we all wish we didn't have to make, but here we are.

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