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Lonely spouse

Lost of my husband best friend

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Hello I am new here this is my first time in a grieving session. I just don't know where to start. I lost my husband my best friend my hero my guardian angel  on the 5th of March. One day after his birthday. I have been depressed ever sense and been criticized 4 wearing his t--shirts and hats . People keep telling me it's been over a month get over it. Well I can't. People are pushing me to make decisions about the stuff he left. I was forced to move out of our rental house. We were going to move we had a fixer upper but he didn't get to fix it up so I can't move in it.  Plus I feel like it's my fault my husband passed like God is punishing me 4 something. Or if I would of just did some thing different Don would still be here with me and his family and friends. I keep asking myself why did God call him home so soon. Why can't I let go?

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KayC   

I am sorry for your loss...OMG, how can people tell you to get over it, it's been such a short time it's hardly enough time to sink in, let alone adjust!  Of course you are wearing his clothes, it helps you feel closer to him!  I'm sorry your plans for where you were going to live aren't able to work out.  It may feel like God is punishing you, but He is not.  We don't know why some die and others live, it seems rather random to me, I haven't found any answers to "why" so stopped asking why and instead, "now what?".  You can't let go because it takes a lot of time and effort to process death of the person you love most in the world.  Please don't listen to people that haven't been through it, they don't get it, they can't possibly know and understand how you're feeling, what you're going through.  You've found a safe place to be, the people here DO get it, we're all walking this journey together.

It's common to feel guilt afterwards, it's part of the grief talking, but we have nothing to feel guilty about, the truth is we would have done anything for them, we love them with all our hearts, and all of our bad feelings don't tie us to them, our love does.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

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KMB   

Lonely spouse,  What is wrong about wearing your husband's clothes? Not a darn thing wrong about it. Wear them forever if you want. Your husband is smiling at you from Heaven in whatever way you choose to remember and honor him. I'm so sorry that he left you early in this life. It is unfair. Do not listen to others who have no understanding of this type of loss. They have never experienced it and have no clue how truly devastated we feel. Our hearts are broken and our lives as we knew it, completely shattered. This is your journey. Travel on it the way that you need to for yourself. A month is not long enough to *get over it*. There is no getting over it. Over time, we eventually learn to adjust and live with our loss. I don't feel that there is no *letting go*. We carry our love and memories forever in our hearts. There is no time frame or rules for grieving. Do it your way, that is all that matters. Prayers and hugs.

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Thanks everyone finally some body which understands  I have people say oh I understand but they haven't been through it. We had so many plans together and now there all gone.  I want to be mad about God  but I know I can't I promised my husband I wouldn't get mad at GOD. I know God had a reason to call Don home. I know God answers prayers cause Don kept praying God if I will not get any better and I will only get worst please take me home so I won't suffer. But didn't God realize how much his family friends & I would suffer? Or am I just being selfish  like people say I am? Don was my hero my strength I just don't know how to make it without him.

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KMB   

Lonely spouse, You are NOT being selfish. Block out what other people say. They have no idea what it is truly like in losing a spouse. We lose that special person from our life, we lose our life as we knew it, we lose ourselves, so many losses of other things that we discover down the road. Avoid the people who don't think before they speak. Insensitivity and critical judgement should not be allowed during this tragedy we are enduring. True friends will support you. Even just a hug from someone is better than words that are spoken wrong.

God heard Don's prayers and answered them. God also knows our pain and suffering and will send us love, comfort and strength. We will be reunited with our spouses in God's timing.  Everything that Don gave you, his love, his strength, his faith, use those unselfish gifts to draw from and help you recover along with God's love and the unfolding plan He has for you yet. (HUGS)

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Lonely spouse, "I just don't know how to make it without him." I understand and I will pass on the best piece of advice I got from a cousin that had lost his wife years earlier.  " Get out of bed" 

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Francine   
17 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

Hello I am new here this is my first time in a grieving session. I just don't know where to start. I lost my husband my best friend my hero my guardian angel  on the 5th of March. One day after his birthday. I have been depressed ever sense and been criticized 4 wearing his t--shirts and hats . People keep telling me it's been over a month get over it. Well I can't. People are pushing me to make decisions about the stuff he left. I was forced to move out of our rental house. We were going to move we had a fixer upper but he didn't get to fix it up so I can't move in it.  Plus I feel like it's my fault my husband passed like God is punishing me 4 something. Or if I would of just did some thing different Don would still be here with me and his family and friends. I keep asking myself why did God call him home so soon. Why can't I let go?

Lonely Spouse  -  I am so sorry for your loss and what a fitting title you've given yourself (Lonely Spouse) - I am one also.  I know the pain you're experiencing and the hurt you're feeling -  especially losing him the day after this birthday.  You're depressed and it comes with the territory and is expected.  Expect to have all kinds of emotions, after all, you just lost your (how did you described him) best friend, your guardian angel, the man you shared your life with, the man you planned to grow old with, your heart, your everything.  I know first hand how overwhelmingly painful that is. I lost the love of my life, my heart of 45 years a little over 4 months ago, and still have unbearable pain.

I lost my Charles in December and some days that followed his death were sunny and bright.   I thought, how could it shine like that when I was in so much pain, when my insides felt like they were turned outsides and I was in despair.  How could life continue it steady progress in coming and going.  How could people prepare themselves for the holidays, laughing and being merry when my heart was broken. As my grief continued, the more I felt that things would never get better.   But they will; maybe not better, but tolerable.  I know we never get over a great loss, as a death of a spouse; I think we absorb them; and they carve us into a different, perhaps kinder person.  Although I can no longer see my Charles with my eyes, touch him with my hands, I know I will feel him in my heart forever.   I believe sometime we aren't meant to 'get over' someone we love, and we go on living a little bit emptier.   Search your soul - you can let go and let God!

People  who tell you go *get over* the lost of a loved one has probably never lost someone so near and dear to them.  I honestly feel people shouldn't tell others to *get over* their loss; but rather ask how they could help them get through it.    I'm sorry you had to move out of your house, but don't let anyone rush you on making decision that will affect you later.  You'll know in your heart when that time comes - no rush.

Finally, I too thought God had abandoned me in my time of grief; HE hadn't.  HE isn't punishing you, HE is preparing you. Trust HIS plans not your pain.  I hope you continue to post; God has brought us here at this time and place for a reason.  To uplift one another, definitely; but more than that - maybe to learn from each other; to learn that we need one another.   God bless you and keep you, keep us all, safe.

 

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Thank you Francine for your kind words I wasn't with Don for 45 years I would of loved that we were only married for 3 years would of been 4 this 22 of September. But we meet 5 years ago. In 2012 he said it was love at first site.  What made me fall in love with him was his loving personality and his kindness to people and animals and his Love for God. I swear he was my guardian angel sent to me from GOD. It's like God knew  I needed someone I could love and trust in my life and he sent me Don. I don't understand why the sun shines I know it's been cloudy and raining seems like sense Don has passed . I just can't stop blaming myself for his passing . The what it's keep popping up in my head just like they did when my dad passed Don was there 4 me he was always there for anyone who needed him no matter what I just get so sad when I go to a store and see his favorite drink or snack and when I see people holding hands in a store I get so jealous and ask myself why do they have to do that in front of me  why is that person's best friend still here and my isn't why am I alone.  It's not fair.  I know the people don't know my situation but I sometimes feel like they are holding hands in front of me to make me sad. I guess I am just jealous cause they are happy and I was them at one time. Will it ever be the same will it ever be ok to laugh or smile again. I know Don told me he wanted me to be ok but how without my strength and guardian angel next to me? Am I  selfish 4 wanting him here with me even know I know he was hurting? How do i go on  without him . I just see something to reminds me of Don or someone starts talking about him and I start crying.its just to hard why Does God take the people we love away from us? Is he punishing me for something I did and I don't remember what I did so bad.

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KayC   

No you're not selfish, you're human, we all are and we all want them here with us.

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Francine   

I too have those jealous moments as well; seeing couples hand in hand; smiling at one another; loving one another - that was me, unfortunately never again - not on this earth :(

17 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

I swear he was my guardian angel sent to me from GOD. It's like God knew  I needed someone I could love and trust in my life and he sent me Don.

He was and still is - the only difference is you can't see him because he is in spirit form.  God is such an amazing God - HE doesn't give us the people we want, HE gives us the people we need; to help us, to sometimes hurt us; to leave us, to love us and to make us the person we were meant to be - they're are angels - in your case, your Don. 

17 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

I know Don told me he wanted me to be ok but how without my strength and guardian angel next to me? Am I  selfish 4 wanting him here with me even know I know he was hurting? How do i go on  without him . I just see something to reminds me of Don or someone starts talking about him and I start crying.its just to hard why Does God take the people we love away from us? Is he punishing me for something I did and I don't remember what I did so bad.

You are not being selfish - we're human and want what makes us happy; Don made you happy, Charles made me happy; it's only natural we want them by our sides.  May it bring you comfort in knowing that your days are filled with wonderful memories of the strongest, sweetest, awesome, and most loving  man you  ever knew.   I can't say what life has in store for you without your Don, and yes, you will cry many many more tears; you've seen your descent, but, with God, you will watch your rising.

God is not punishing you, HE is preparing you; as difficult as it may appear right now, trust HIS plan, not your pain. You may not  know what tomorrow holds, but you know who holds your tomorrow - God Almighty.  We will all persevere...if we so choose, but not without a God who can bring much peace to your our very souls. Blessings.

 

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Andy   

Lonely Spouse,

I think we here have all shed your tears, asked your questions, lived your sorrow, and unfortunately, we still do, to one degree or another. 

I'm so, so sorry, your loss is so deep and painful, this journey you've just begun is full of sadness and sorrow. I'm happy you've stumbled (was led) upon this site, it's given me a wealth of comfort, healing and understanding. The wonderful people here are full of love and compassion, and here, you'll never be alone. 

Don't pay any attention to the blissfully ignorant, this is a world none can comprehend unless they live in it. Don't pay any attention to those offering nonsensical advice, unless they've lost the love of their life, they have no wisdom. Don't pay any attention to the cold, the callous, the well wishers, they offer nothing of value. You owe no one an explanation, only you know how you feel, only you find meaning in the things you do. They don't know any better. This journey is difficult enough without the unthinking comments of morons. I've let people drift away since my wife passed, I've found that I have only a very few people in my life that I can call "true". I have more "connections" here than I do in my day to day life, and I call that a blessing. My wife passed New Year's Eve 2016, and I miss her everyday. I think about her around the clock, I "talk" to her constantly. I wear her wedding band on a leather cord around my neck, with mine. I text her phone, I listen to her voice mail, I cry when I get mail addresses to her. And you know who cares? Me. That's all that matters. You wear his clothes, you clutch his photos or his pillow, you converse with him, listen for a casual reply of comfort or calm, you love him, you did, no one knows how you loved him, no gets to tell you how to mourn him. No. One. He is yours, you are his, it's your journey, do as you see fit, but take care of yourself, please. That's the only "rule". You don't have to be strong, it's ok to be weak, it's ok to not know what to do, it's ok to be angry at God, He understands and you're forgiven before you even think or speak, it's ok to sob, to cry, to curse, to forgive, to sleep, but take care, ok? Breathe, plenty of water, rest, be alive. 

May you find peace, comfort and I'm praying for you, thinking of you, 

Andy

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3 hours ago, Andy said:

Lonely Spouse,

I think we here have all shed your tears, asked your questions, lived your sorrow, and unfortunately, we still do, to one degree or another. 

I'm so, so sorry, your loss is so deep and painful, this journey you've just begun is full of sadness and sorrow. I'm happy you've stumbled (was led) upon this site, it's given me a wealth of comfort, healing and understanding. The wonderful people here are full of love and compassion, and here, you'll never be alone. 

Don't pay any attention to the blissfully ignorant, this is a world none can comprehend unless they live in it. Don't pay any attention to those offering nonsensical advice, unless they've lost the love of their life, they have no wisdom. Don't pay any attention to the cold, the callous, the well wishers, they offer nothing of value. You owe no one an explanation, only you know how you feel, only you find meaning in the things you do. They don't know any better. This journey is difficult enough without the unthinking comments of morons. I've let people drift away since my wife passed, I've found that I have only a very few people in my life that I can call "true". I have more "connections" here than I do in my day to day life, and I call that a blessing. My wife passed New Year's Eve 2016, and I miss her everyday. I think about her around the clock, I "talk" to her constantly. I wear her wedding band on a leather cord around my neck, with mine. I text her phone, I listen to her voice mail, I cry when I get mail addresses to her. And you know who cares? Me. That's all that matters. You wear his clothes, you clutch his photos or his pillow, you converse with him, listen for a casual reply of comfort or calm, you love him, you did, no one knows how you loved him, no gets to tell you how to mourn him. No. One. He is yours, you are his, it's your journey, do as you see fit, but take care of yourself, please. That's the only "rule". You don't have to be strong, it's ok to be weak, it's ok to not know what to do, it's ok to be angry at God, He understands and you're forgiven before you even think or speak, it's ok to sob, to cry, to curse, to forgive, to sleep, but take care, ok? Breathe, plenty of water, rest, be alive. 

May you find peace, comfort and I'm praying for you, thinking of you, 

Andy

Thank u Andy I am so so sorry u l9st ur wife. I KNOW THERE ARE NO WORDS THAT CAN MAKE U FEEL BETTER I Just don't understand why God put people in our life just to take them away? I can't be mad at GOD I made a promise to Don I wouldn't get mad or upset with God 4 taking Don home. But I have to admit I have been mad at the world. I have been wanting to give up but I can't I promised Don I wouldn't give up I promised him I would be strong and take care of our fur babies. They are what keeps me going.  I keep talking to God and Don asking him to please help me get through the day and please give me a sign ur ok  I know he was hurting but never told me how bad. He just never wanted me to worry about him. I was so sad today when I drove by out old house we rented 4 a long time and seen someone else in it I just stopped the car and started crying specially when I seen a light on in the bedroom and someone else's car in the drive way. It hurt me so bad then someone today call and when they mentioned his name is lost it. Like I am doing now. I keep all his cloths belts his Packer shirts and hats and I am not a Packer fan but I am wearing them now. I can hear Donny laughing telling my dad wow she is wearing Packer stuff and doing it to respect me I know he is so happy and laughing so hard. I just wish he was here with me in the flesh I have tried to give up but I can't I can't break my promise to my husband. I love him to much.

 

Thank you Francine for your kind words I wasn't with Don for 45 years I would of loved that we were only married for 3 years would of been 4 this 22 of September. But we meet 5 years ago. In 2012 he said it was love at first site.  What made me fall in love with him was his loving personality and his kindness to people and animals and his Love for God. I swear he was my guardian angel sent to me from GOD. It's like God knew  I needed someone I could love and trust in my life and he sent me Don. I don't understand why the sun shines I know it's been cloudy and raining seems like sense Don has passed . I just can't stop blaming myself for his passing . The what it's keep popping up in my head just like they did when my dad passed Don was there 4 me he was always there for anyone who needed him no matter what I just get so sad when I go to a store and see his favorite drink or snack and when I see people holding hands in a store I get so jealous and ask myself why do they have to do that in front of me  why is that person's best friend still here and my isn't why am I alone.  It's not fair.  I know the people don't know my situation but I sometimes feel like they are holding hands in front of me to make me sad. I guess I am just jealous cause they are happy and I was them at one time. Will it ever be the same will it ever be ok to laugh or smile again. I know Don told me he wanted me to be ok but how without my strength and guardian angel next to me? Am I  selfish 4 wanting him here with me even know I know he was hurting? How do i go on  without him . I just see something to reminds me of Don or someone starts talking about him and I start crying.its just to hard why Does God take the people we love away from us? Is he punishing me for something I did and I don't remember what I did so bad.

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Andy   

Lonely Spouse, 

i understand. It's ok to be angry at who or what we want. There doesn't have to be much rationale behind it, nothing we feel right now IS rational.

I don't think God puts people in positions to just hurt someone. As I've stated elsewhere, we will all be gone at some point, nobody gets out of life alive. Yes, you should've had many more years together, not at all conceivable that you should be mourning him. 

You won't give up, you won't ever stop trying, you're going to make it. For your husband, family, for yourself. Keep close your faith and go moment to moment. 

I assure you, Don is laughing and smiling and filled with understanding. He watches you, he listens to you, he wants you happy. 

Peace and love,

Andy

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On Thursday, April 20, 2017 at 2:50 PM, KMB said:

Lonely spouse, You are NOT being selfish. Block out what other people say. They have no idea what it is truly like in losing a spouse. We lose that special person from our life, we lose our life as we knew it, we lose ourselves, so many losses of other things that we discover down the road. Avoid the people who don't think before they speak. Insensitivity and critical judgement should not be allowed during this tragedy we are enduring. True friends will support you. Even just a hug from someone is better than words that are spoken wrong.

God heard Don's prayers and answered them. God also knows our pain and suffering and will send us love, comfort and strength. We will be reunited with our spouses in God's timing.  Everything that Don gave you, his love, his strength, his faith, use those unselfish gifts to draw from and help you recover along with God's love and the unfolding plan He has for you yet. (HUGS)

Thank you KMB those words are so encouraging and I think the best I have heard. I have been thinking about everything bad but I do need to know Don did give me his love and strength and his faith I got to be unselfish 4 him . I was told God doesn't give us more than we can handle  but it sure seems like he did.

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Thats not selfish. I wear my husbands clothes . I have on some of his jewellery. his wheelchair is in the bedroom. I will NEVER be able to let go.

If I'm honest I am angry with god. He answered my prayers not to let my husband suffer any longer but he wont answer my prayers to be taken also.

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KayC   
9 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

I was told God doesn't give us more than we can handle  but it sure seems like he did.

If this was so, people wouldn't commit suicide.  That verse is taken out of context,  the way it gets relayed it sounds like we're failures if we feel we're in over our heads and that just is not the case.  The verse in question, 1 Corinthians 10:13, is actually referring to temptation, not handling the trials of life and certainly not in dealing with loss and grief.  When Jesus encountered loss, he cried. God understands we need His help going through life and He avails Himself to us, I could not make it through life without His aid.

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KMB   

juliethemuse, it is alright to be angry with God. He understands, is all forgiving and loving. Anger is born out of pain and fear. A byproduct, if you will, of suffering. We are suffering a horrible blow of losing someone who meant the world to us, was our world. I prayed also for my husband to be relieved of his suffering. I wasn't expecting the answer I got. I was expecting a medical miracle to present itself and it didn't happen. God does know what He is doing and it took me awhile to be accepting and reinstilling my faith. I still wrestle with my faith now and then, usually when I hit a low. Those lows come as a reminder to keep my faith. That God still loves me and I need to travel this road alone for awhile until God reunites me with my husband in His good timing.

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On 4/19/2017 at 10:24 PM, Lonely spouse said:

Hello I am new here this is my first time in a grieving session. I just don't know where to start. I lost my husband my best friend my hero my guardian angel  on the 5th of March. One day after his birthday. I have been depressed ever sense and been criticized 4 wearing his t--shirts and hats . People keep telling me it's been over a month get over it. Well I can't. People are pushing me to make decisions about the stuff he left. I was forced to move out of our rental house. We were going to move we had a fixer upper but he didn't get to fix it up so I can't move in it.  Plus I feel like it's my fault my husband passed like God is punishing me 4 something. Or if I would of just did some thing different Don would still be here with me and his family and friends. I keep asking myself why did God call him home so soon. Why can't I let go?

I am so sorry for your loss.  Don't let other people influence you as to what you need.  If wearing your spouse's t-shirts and hats brings you comfort, then continue to wear them.  No-one gets to decide what you need or don't need.  Only, you get to choose what you need.  And the people telling you to get over it are completely wrong.  Grief doesn't  have a time table, you just recently lost your husband.  You need time to digest everything.  Please don't let anyone else rush your grieving process.  Grieving is a painful journey but it's something we need to do to heal.

May God give you peace and comfort.

 

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Wow u really do understand I want to be mad at GOD  BUT I promised my husband no matter what I wouldn't be mad at GOD cause he was only answering his prayers but I was a lot disappointed in God cause I thought he was being me and punishing me 4 something I did wrong by taking my husband best friend away. I couldn't and still don't understand why God gives us our true love only to take them away.  I thought God was being selfish. I did pray for God to make him stop hurting  but I was thinking give him medicine  not take him home. I guess God  needed him and thought his angel had finished his assignment down here.  I just feel like God let me down but I know he didn't it's just me

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Andy   
1 hour ago, Lonely spouse said:

Wow u really do understand I want to be mad at GOD  BUT I promised my husband no matter what I wouldn't be mad at GOD cause he was only answering his prayers but I was a lot disappointed in God cause I thought he was being me and punishing me 4 something I did wrong by taking my husband best friend away. I couldn't and still don't understand why God gives us our true love only to take them away.  I thought God was being selfish. I did pray for God to make him stop hurting  but I was thinking give him medicine  not take him home. I guess God  needed him and thought his angel had finished his assignment down here.  I just feel like God let me down but I know he didn't it's just me

It's how you feel. Nothing makes sense, and right now, nothing has to. Your world was shaken to its core, anger is a part of this miserable world we're in now. Anger, guilt, confusion, loneliness, they all show up sooner or later, sometimes all at once, but they come. You aren't being punished, I don't believe I was being punished, nor my daughter or KayC or KMB or AceBasin or anyone here, it's just a terrible part of our existence. I would drive myself insane trying to reason the "why" in all this if I kept at it. I stopped. I had to trust that things were okay, or going to be okay. Now, I don't like it, not one bit, it has burned my life down to the ground, piles of ashes all that's left. I hate this. Yet I still believe things are in some "order", just because I can't see or understand it, it doesn't diminish my sense of comfort as to my wife's whereabouts or condition. 

I still cry, I still hurt, I'm still alone and I miss her everyday, and I want her back, I want to hold her once again, but I can't. Not yet. 

Hang in there Lonely Spouse, breathe and take this moment by moment. Bless you and may you find peace,

Andy

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KayC   

Lonely spouse,

It is how you feel and there's nothing inherently wrong with our feelings, they're just there and we have to deal with them, but they aren't a good barometer of anything and aren't always truth or reality based.  I don't think God took my husband to get back at me or to be mean, rather I think that death happens rather randomly.  Some people think God controls everything like a puppeteer but I don't think so, we have free reign, we make our own choices, and some stuff is random, we're born with the set of genes we got, and we make our odds better or worse by how we live, what we eat, etc.  Accidents happen randomly, no one to blame but inattentive and drunk drivers.  But everything everyone does affects not only themselves but sometimes others.  I quit asking why, it does no good to blame, it just is what it is, but living with it is the hard part.

I'm glad you've found your way here, we're all dealing with the aftermath, but I'm glad we have each other to go through this together.

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AceBasin   

An excellent short book, which I and others here highly recommend is : A Grief Observed,  by C. S. Lewis.  He is one of the best popular Christian writers in the past 100 years, but is not preachy or sappy.

Lewis lost his wife, and what he expresses so well in this very short work is what we are all feeling.

I sincerely believe that this book will greatly help with your current questions.

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KayC   

I agree with your assessment, C S Lewis gives a very authentic and heartfelt account of his experience.

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Wow u really do understand I want to be mad at GOD  BUT I promised my husband no matter what I wouldn't be mad at GOD cause he was only answering his prayers but I was a lot disappointed in God cause I thought he was being me and punishing me 4 something I did wrong by taking my husband best friend away. I couldn't and still don't understand why God gives us our true love only to take them away.  I thought God was being selfish. I did pray for God to make him stop hurting  but I was thinking give him medicine  not take him home. I guess God  needed him and thought his angel had finished his assignment down here.  I just feel like God let me down but I know he didn't it's just me

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OThanks 4 the advice about the book. But I just don't think anyone can ever answer my questions. I guess I just have to realize that no one but God knows the answers. God knows if he was punishing me or not when he called Don home to him

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