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Lost of my husband best friend


Lonely spouse

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Lonely spouse

yes this so very true and it's so frustrating when people say oh I understand how u feel. Is this suppose to make a person feel better. No one knows how I feel unless they have lost their husband or wife mother or father. A person doesn't make me feel better by lying to me saying I know how u feel when u rea)y don't. It makes me feel worst to know a friend or family member lied to me. Just tell me the truth I am sorry about ur lost I wish I knew what to say to confront u. At least u have told me the truth.. I pray No one will have to deal with the pain we are dealing with but I know everyone will be going through the lost of a loved one. And I am thankful 4 places like this  where people do know what it's like I still ask the million  $ question why? 

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Lonely spouse

yep I have been told by people yea ok right once a person has passed u can't talk to them  u just have to go on with ur life well to all them people go bug someone else cause I know I have gotten singials from Don and God. And I will always be in love with Don he took part of me home with him and I know I will be with him again . He's still in my heart. I know he was with me on the 4th of July cause he helped me and he always told me how God had helped him so he showed me that day that God will work his miracles and he let Don communicate with me.. I learned from Don it doesn't matter what people say about me they are not my judge and jury. I only need to please God and I guess I have cause he is still allowing Don to take care of me. He put Don in my life 4 a reason I thought he took Don away but he didn't he made me realize  I can never loose the people I love.

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I talk to George every day.  Sometimes in my thoughts, sometimes out loud.  Heaven help the person that tries to tell me he can't hear me!  &*%!%  They have no right to say something like that, we're all trying to get through this the best way we can!  They don't know our spouse can't hear us!  They know Jack Sh*t!  Sorry, sometimes the things people say really get my goat.

Try not to pay them any mind. Keep on doing what you're doing.  I'm glad you felt him with you, helping you through the holiday, they're tough to get through.

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Lonely spouse

Yes they are I never ever thought this would happen to me so soon he was so happy and so young . But I know I will always have 2 deal with stupid people until I see Don again but I will never stop talking to and asking Don for advice. May be people judge me but I don't care when I am down Don sends a song on the radio it's what he use to sing to me when I was down . He said whenever I hear it weather he was at work asleep or working in the yard just know he is with me and everything will be fine. It's called Walking (moving on) by Toby Mack. Everytime i hear it I Know Don is right by my side. I just want 2 thank everyone on here 4 not judging me . And understanding how I feel.

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Lonely Spouse,

I'm glad he's sending you songs, that is so special!

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Lonely spouse

THANK YOU I JUST MISS HIM SO MUCH. I hate it when people tell me of give it time it will get easier or when they say oh in time you will get over it. Yea right how can you get over the love of your life? I know I can't. I think people who get over their loved ones was really never in love. But that's just my opion. I was truly in love with my husband Don and I can't get over him. Sorry if I am wrong. 

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You don't have to get over him. 

I won't judge other people's relationships. But why do you have to get over him? Why do you have to meet someone else?

I will never get over Tim. I don't know why anyone would want me to... 

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Are you kidding?  We NEVER get over our soulmate!  We do good just to learn to live with all the changes this has made to our lives.  They'd sing a different tune if it happened to them.

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Lonely spouse

Thank u guys finally someone who understands. I never thought I would be left with my husband I always thought I would go home first. Cause I am the weak person and Don is the strong one who always made everything ok with the help of God. But it's family that is saying I need to move on get in group activities well I wasn't in them b 4 so why now they think they are helping me by saying get over Don  NO WAY it's only been 4 months and I don't care if it 400 years I won't get over my true love.  I guess they think I am going to go back into my shell well I already have . I don't want to meet anyone  I hate going to a store cause it hurts 2 c someone holding hands or laughing. It makes me sad. Even know I know I should be happy 4 them. Am I wrong 4 feeling like I want to slap theym 4 being happy? I just want my Donny back. That way I have me back. Does that make any sense? 

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You can't be who you were with him, Because he is gone. 

I know people around me are struggling with this with me. I can never be Lisa with Tim again, because Tim is gone. I am Lisa who loves Tim. I am Lisa who is heartbroken without Tim. And I am becoming Lisa who has to go on without Tim. And she is probably not as nice. She is more selfish. She is in pain. So deal, people!

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6 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

I hate going to a store cause it hurts 2 c someone holding hands or laughing. It makes me sad. Even know I know I should be happy 4 them. Am I wrong 4 feeling like I want to slap theym 4 being happy

No not wrong at all for feeling like that. I also hate seeeing people holding hands. Always makes me sad and want to cry.  That should be me and Pat!  I am now going through this thing where I want to say to those people "don't get too used to being happy. One of you will die!"  How awful is that?!

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9 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

Thank u guys finally someone who understands. I never thought I would be left with my husband I always thought I would go home first. Cause I am the weak person and Don is the strong one who always made everything ok with the help of God. But it's family that is saying I need to move on get in group activities well I wasn't in them b 4 so why now they think they are helping me by saying get over Don  NO WAY it's only been 4 months and I don't care if it 400 years I won't get over my true love.  I guess they think I am going to go back into my shell well I already have . I don't want to meet anyone  I hate going to a store cause it hurts 2 c someone holding hands or laughing. It makes me sad. Even know I know I should be happy 4 them. Am I wrong 4 feeling like I want to slap theym 4 being happy? I just want my Donny back. That way I have me back. Does that make any sense? 

Oh no, you're not wrong, your feelings are normal grief feelings.  We never get over this!  The best we can hope for is to eventually adjust and learn to live with the changes it has meant to our life.  I had to have my daughter do the grocery shopping in the beginning, it was way too painful, George and I always did it together, we did everything together.

 

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Makes me sad and tearful also. At the same time, I also think that my husband and I had our time together here. I cherish so many memories of us holding hands in public, in a vehicle and sitting next to each other. I will get to do it again when I see him in Heaven.

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Lonely spouse
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NO THAT ISNT AWFUL AT ALL CAUSE SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE SAYING THAT TO PEOPLE OR SAYING TO THEMBETTER NOT GET TO CLOSE CAUSE ONE DAY YOU WILL BE ALONE CAUSE GOD WILL BE CALLING ONE OF YOU HOME SOON. BUT THEN THISE PEOPLE WILL LOOK AT ME LIKE I AM CRAZY. BUT EVEN KNOW I HATE TO SAY IT ONE DAY THEY WILL BE IN OUR SHOES TRYING TO DEAL WITH THE LOST OF A LOVED ONE. ITSSO SAD CAUSE LAST YEAR I LOST MY DAD AND AUNT.MY AUNT PASSED THREE DAYS AFTER WE BURRIED MY DAY DON WAS THERE 4 ME AND NOW THIS YEAR I LOOSE DON AND I HAD TO FIGURE OUT WHY AND I STILL ASK MYSELF WHY. I JUST FEEL SO GULITY. BUT I GUESS WE ARE FEEL LIKE WHAT OF WE WOULD OF DONE JUST ONE THING DIFFERENT. I JUST WONDER DOES THE WHAT IF EVER STOP?    

 

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I think we have to shut the "what ifs" off ourselves, in the beginning they come, then one day we just realize it doesn't do any good to rehash what didn't happen and deal with what did, we have to accept that we loved to the fullest and tried our best and that has to be enough.  They know how we feel, they love us still.

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Lonely spouse

Yes I guess you are right well I know you are right but it is just so hard for me to 4 give myself cause I know if it was the other way around he would of gotten me to and ER  but I couldn't get him to one he refused to allow me to call 911 we thought ok its just a bad headache. I just wish I would of know just how bad it was and I guess I wll always have to guilt of I should of done something. specially when people keep telling me oh you didn't even try if that would of been me I would of called or forced him to go get checked. Yea I guess I should of but how do you force a person to do something they don't want to do? I am so tired of hearing from people who haven't experienced this type of lost saying how they would of done things differently. well when this happens to them I guess I will see just how they handle it sense they seem to think they can do something differently and save their loved one, I thought the only person who could save a person was God. I could be wrong. and I also have eople trying to tell me what he passed away of when all the death certificate says is pending people are just guessing and I feel like slapping them. its been almost 5 months Aug 5th 2017 will be 5 months and still the death certificate hasn't been stamped buy the medical examiner. has it took anyone this long to get your spouses death certificate back? don't these people even care or understand I need to know I was right it was brain tumor that caused his death or do they even care? it didn't take this long to get my dad's death certificate. Plus they have the wrong time of death on the one that says pending does anyone know if I can correct it? and I know God called my husband home so he wouldn't suffer but doesn't God know the me and the people who cared about my husband are down here suffering? Just like all of you are suffering over the lost of your loved ones. WHY DOES GOD TAKE AWAY THE PEOPLE WE LOVE? SORRY I AM JUST REALLY CONFUSED AND SAD TODAY I SEEN SOMEONE RIDING A BIKE MOTORCYCLE TODAY LOOKED JUST LIKE DONS IT REALLY HURT ME.   

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People seem to think that they know exactly how they would act in our shoes. What they would have done if in our place and or circumstances. They have no idea. I will always 2nd guess the choices I made on the night Lori had her heart attack. I know in my heart they were our choices. That we decided to go back to the same facility we had visited 3 days before. We made the choice not to seek a 2nd opinion. We made the choice not to call her sister(in medical field) for advice. Even though I know we made the choices I still have a hard time with feeling like I failed Lori. Like I could have done so much more. I will carry that unfounded guilt to my grave.

LonelySpouse, You did the best you could and that's all he would have asked of you. I also know that me saying that can't change the ache in your heart and won't stop you replaying those moments in your head. I still search for the alternate scenario where I did a better job of CPR or demanded more tests. I just can't seem to find it no matter how hard I look.

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Lonely spouse

yes I WILL ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I LET DON DOWN. BUT HOW DO I CHANGE THAT FEELING I FEEL LIKE IT IS MY FAULT CAUSE I WAS THE ONEWHO WAS THERE WITH HIM AND I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS SUSPOSE TO BE THERE TO HELP HIM. AND I FAILED AS A WIFE.  I JUST KEEP ASKING MYSELF WHY WHY DIDNT I TRY TO FOECE HIM TO GO TO THE ER BUT HE SAID HE WANTED TO DIE AT HOME AND WHILE HE WAS ASLEEP AND HE DID JUST THAT.  I WILL ALWAYS FEEL GULITY AND PEOPLE TELLING ME OH YOU SHOULD OF DID MORE DOESNT HELP ME FEEL BETTER. I JUST PRAY THAT WHEN THOSE PEOPLE ARE PUT IN THIS  POSITION THEY HAVE PEOPLE NOT TREATING THEM THE WAY THEY ARE TREATING ME.

  

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Lonely spouse

Yes why cant people understand we are not the same person we use to be we lost our loved one our spouse our best friend in my cause all the above plus my hero. I feel like I passed away with him and I cant be the same happy person I was with him cause the person who made me so happy is gone home with God. People tell me well you were happy b 4 you meant Don and you can be happy now that he is gone. Well wrong I am happy he is no longer hurting and he is with God but I am not happy like I was when it was the 2 of us with our 2 fur babies yea I take them to the doggie park like we use to but I don't enjoy it and they seem to notice hey this isn't as fun. I wish people would understand I was happy b 4 I meant Don but that was a different type. How can anyone except you to be happy after you have lost the love of your life. I just wish people would understand  you can find happiness after you lose your true love.    

 

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3 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

 . How can anyone except you to be happy after you have lost the love of your life. I just wish people would understand 

So very true. Don't worry or give any thought to what people inappropriately say, nor will they never understand, until it happens to them. Myself, I don't bother with explanations or wasting time and what energy I do have, trying to get the understanding across.   This is your journey that you will do your way. Your grieving does not need to be justified by others who don't "get it".   (HUGS)

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16 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

I should of done something. specially when people keep telling me oh you didn't even try if that would of been me I would of called or forced him to go get checked.

These people telling you that do not know what they would have done under the circumstances.  You don't know what you would have done until you're in it.  Hindsight is always easier to see with clarity but we don't get the benefit of hindsight when we're going through it.  

I have regret that I was gone the weekend my husband had a heart attack.  We hadn't even know he had heart trouble.  He'd suffered a heart attack six months prior but it had been explained away as Diabetes and the doctor didn't send him to a Cardiologist to get checked.  He should have.  We aren't doctors, we can't know what these things mean as they come, we don't suspect anything serious, we're just totally caught off guard!  George drove himself to the doctor shortly after I left, having a heart attack.  DROVE himself!  They sent him by ambulance to the hospital in the next town, quite a ways away.  I was still gone, not knowing, he didn't want me to know, didn't want my trip ruined.  ???!!

I had ridden with my sister, several hours away, she wouldn't bring me back to see him in the hospital until SHE was done gambling.  It was the worst weekend of my life.  Stuck there hours away, worrying about him.  That Saturday night I was on the phone with him (he had told me not to come, told me he would be having tests all day Saturday) he said, "I would have walked around the world on broken glass to be with you."  The first time in his life he ever said anything hinting of disagreeability with me.  I acknowledged what he said and replied, "I know you would have, George."  It hurt.  I felt his disappointment with me, the first time ever.  But I also knew it was the illness talking.  He needed me with him.  I got back on Sunday, and he had another heart attack, I ran for help, they started working on him and threw me out, locked the door.  He died.

Of course I have regret and felt that guilt, it comes with grief, whether logical or not.  But I also had to forgive myself.  I didn't know what I hadn't been told.  I couldn't drive back without a way to get there.  I didn't know he'd die that soon.  I had to understand and forgive myself.  As he would have.

I hope in time you will find your way to do so too.  You don't deserve this beating yourself up.  How I wish I could help you see that!

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Lonely spouse

NDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE SAYING ABOUT HOW I NEED TO STOP BEATING MYSELF UP CAUSE I KNOW DON WOULDNT WANT ME TO BUT I JUST KEEP THINKING ABOUT HOW WHEN I WAS SICK OR HURTING HE WAS ALWAYS THERE HE WOULD TAKE OFF WORK JUST TO BE WITH ME OR CALL TO MAKE SURE I WAS OK HE DIDNT LEAVE MY SIDE WHEN I HAD TO HAVE SURGERY LAST YEAR EXCEPT TO GO GET MY MOM TO BRING HER UP TO THE HOSPITAL HE MADE SURE I WAS TAKING CARE OF NO MATTER IF HE WAS LATE TO WORK OR HAD TO TAKE A DAY OFF EVEN KNOW WE COULDNT AFFORD IT. DON  ALWAYS PUT ME FIRST NO MATTER HOW BAD HE WAS HURTING HE WAS ALWAYS TAKING CARE OF ME HE WOULD NEVER LET ME KNOW HOW BAD HE REALLY WAS HURTING UNTIL THAT ONE DAY I SEEN HIM CRYING BUT HE STILL INSISTED HE WAS OK AND WANTED ME TO TAKE MY MEDICINE AND JUST RELAX NOT WORRY ABOUT HIM. YES DON WOULD WALK ON HOT COALS TO TAKE CARE OF ME AND I FEEL LIKE WHEN HE NEEDED ME TO BE THERE TO HELP HIM I DIDNT DO WHAT I SHOULD OF I SHOULD OF INSISTED HE GO TO THE ER BUT HE WOULD OF FAUGHT ME BUT I STILL SHOULD OF STOOD UP ND SAID I DONT CARE I KNOW YOU DONT WANT TO GO BUT YOU ARE GOING ANYWAY. BUT I WAS WEAK AND I DIDNT FIGHT HIM TO GO I BELIEVED HE WOULD BE OKCAUSE THAT IS WHAT HE SAID AND HE NEVER LIED TO ME SO WHY WOULD HE LIED THAT NIGHT? YEP I BLAME MYSELF FOR OT DOING MORE FOR DON SPECIALLY WHEN I WAS SUSPOSE TO BE HIS BEST FRIEND SOME FRIEND I TURNED OUT TO BE TO DON. DON PLEASE ACEPT MY APOLOGY I AM SO SORRY I DIDNT DO MORE 4 YOU THAT NIGHT I KNOW I SHOULD OF FORCED YOU TO GO TO THE ER BUT YOU ALWAYS SAID PLEASE DONT ARGUE WITH YOU ABOUT GOING TO THE ER. AND I DIDNT I FEEL LIKE I LET YOU DOWNAND I AM SO SORRRY DON. 

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wheatgeneration

You are in so much pain. 

I have been reading this forum here and there for the last three months but never felt like writing anything until now. I lost my wife of nearly 26 years in April. It was more or less sudden or should I say I expected her to survive the heart surgery she had.

Every day, whether I want to or not, all of the events of the last six months of her life roll around in my mind and I wish on my life that I could have another go at it. Make different choices. Maybe she would have survived if we had done this or done that. They were tough decisions to make. Having the surgery. And I helped her make them and maybe they were the wrong ones. I mean, it didn't work. She's dead.

So I have felt this guilt you are feeling to one degree or another for nearly three months now. This Friday will be three months.

The first week after she died I seriously felt like it was my fault. Why hadn't I done more? Why hadn't I been a better husband to her those last months of her life?

I have also experienced various forms of other people's judgement and well meant but useless advice. Clichés and platitudes that only make me feel worse. And then those that suddenly avoid the heck out of me because they cannot imagine dealing with something like this.

But you know what? That first day when I lost her five people came to my house. From the East coast and LA and Tacoma they rushed here to Northern California to be with me. And others kept me on the phone until they got here that night. And over the following month, my friends conspired to have someone here, each for a week. Just to help prop me up. And I also have my sons, 13 and 15. They have been wonderful even though they are hurting.

And I also know that while I will never get over losing her, I can make a life. I can move on. Everyone likes to say well you have to, you have kids. Yes, but I have to because of me too. I deserve to have a life as long as I can. And that is what she and your husband would want. They want us to live on.

Sorry to pour out my own problems in your thread but I think I am trying to say that I understand and I shed a tear or two for you tonight and I hope that you know that you are not alone and that your life with him was still worth it even though we are paying such a high price for that life and that love now.

I found an old voice recorder tonight that she bought in 1988 and used back then for work she did. Dictating. And I put some batteries in it and it worked and there she was. Her voice. At first I thought it would hurt like hell but it didn't. It was comforting to hear her voice again. I ended up feeling sad of course but I do have hope that I am headed in a direction and I hope the same for you and that you find joy again somehow, someday.

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9 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

DON PLEASE ACEPT MY APOLOGY I AM SO SORRY I DIDNT DO MORE 4 YOU THAT NIGHT I KNOW I SHOULD OF FORCED YOU TO GO TO THE ER BUT YOU ALWAYS SAID PLEASE DONT ARGUE WITH YOU ABOUT GOING TO THE ER. AND I DIDNT I FEEL LIKE I LET YOU DOWNAND I AM SO SORRRY DON. 

You said it.  It was good to express how you're feeling inside.  Please try to accept that he hears and accepts your apology.  It's good to put it into words.  Oh how I wish you could know he not only forgives you, but doesn't even think you need forgiving!

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wheatgeneration,

Thank you for sharing your story, it helps that we are, none of us, totally alone in what we are feeling.  I am sorry for your loss, this is a journey we all wish we didn't have to make, but here we are.

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Lonely spouse

yes here we are and I will never understand why God takes away everyone I care about.my dad my aunt and my husband (my best friend) why did he have to take them? My husband would of been able to handle this he was the strong one who held me up and I have to hold myself up so I can do what needs to be done 4 him.

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Lonely spouse, Your post has me tearing up. I felt the same way about my husband's passing. That burden of guilt. Could I have done more? Should I have forced him to be taken to the ER during his last week when it was so apparent he was feeling miserable? We exchanged words about it the previous week. I asked him a couple of times about going to the hospital, but he adamantly refused. He did not want to die in a hospital. He didn't want to leave me or our home. I could see him struggling to stay, but his body, his heart, betrayed him. And here I am, still struggling with missing him and trying to keep myself from totally falling apart..I don't know why or what for. I just know it is not my time to leave here and I have to try to make it day by day.

it is good that you are expressing your feelings and writing them. You have nothing to apologize for. I have discovered that also. We did the best we could at that time. We were living in the moment and listening to what our spouses did or didn't want. They were using their free will of choice. My husband had congestive heart failure due to being diabetic. We both knew there was no cure and what the final outcome would be. We were told by his doctors that he should have another 2 or 3 years. The anger I had early on when my husband passed was directed at the doctors for what I felt was lying. But no one can predict when the heart will give out. I am just filled with constant sadness that he didn't get to enjoy his retirement years. I am sad that he is not here to make more memories. I am just sad----

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wheatgeneration, I am deeply sorry for your tragic loss. I know words don't mean much, but I mean the feelings behind them. Even though I have lost relatives, friends and pets over the years, this is the most gut wrenching, heart shredding, mind shattering loss to try to make it through. Our loss of our beloved life partner is like none other. It will be a year for me next month and I still don't know how I made it this far. I am still floundering and taking it day by day.

I am relieved you found your way here to this forum. This is a safe place where others truly "get it" and everyone listens, understands, supports and uplifts each other. You are in good company here and not alone.

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wheatgeneration
4 hours ago, Lonely spouse said:

yes here we are and I will never understand why God takes away everyone I care about.my dad my aunt and my husband (my best friend) why did he have to take them? My husband would of been able to handle this he was the strong one who held me up and I have to hold myself up so I can do what needs to be done 4 him.

I say why every day when I stand out back and try to pull myself together. Life seems so cruel when these things happen. So unfair.

I had worked hard a few years ago to ensure that my wife could go on without me. My health was in a nosedive and I was even out of work for about nine months, fighting to come back. We thought we could lose ME, not her. Then as 2016 wore on I got better and in the Fall we found out about her heart problems. She was fine, but cancer treatment she had 35 years earlier had set something in motion that was finally after all of those years showing up. And of course by the time that process was done she was gone.

I never considered that this would happen. I never prepared for it. I will be fine financially and all that, and I have lots of support. But I don't want this life that fell on me. And I think you are feeling the same way. I didn't want this.

But we have to go on. We are here and we are still deserving of a good life. I hope all of us can find a way.

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15 hours ago, KMB said:

We were living in the moment and listening to what our spouses did or didn't want. They were using their free will of choice.

That's so true, I wish we could stop beating ourselves up.  I did encourage George to get another doctor but he didn't do it.

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Thank you, KayC. That misguided burden of guilt is a huge hurdle to get over. I believe if things had been meant to be different, God would have stepped in and changed the outcome.

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18 hours ago, KMB said:

 And here I am, still struggling with missing him and trying to keep myself from totally falling apart..I don't know why or what for. I just know it is not my time to leave here and I have to try to make it day by day.

 

 I am just filled with constant sadness that he didn't get to enjoy his retirement years. I am sad that he is not here to make more memories. I am just sad----

I struggle with the "Why am I here" a lot. Is there something I need to accomplish. A lesson to be learned from all of this that will lead to a better me. I'd like to think there is but sometimes I wonder. I, like many others here, am not living any more. I am merely existing. Making it through each day. Get up. Shower. Go to work. Come Home. Eat. Go to sleep. Wash, Rinse, Repeat. Every day at work when I mark the day off of the calendar I whisper "One day closer to you Lori". That is truly the only thing to really look forward to any more.

I too am saddened that Lori won't get enjoy the fruits of her labor during retirement. We talked about it often and how we were setting ourselves up for a good retirement at a relatively early age. She worked so hard and was great at her job. I breaks my heart that we won't get those years. So many memories we won't get to make.

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2 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

I struggle with the "Why am I here" a lot. Is there something I need to accomplish. A lesson to be learned from all of this that will lead to a better me. I'd like to think there is but sometimes I wonder.

I wonder every day. God has plans for us as individuals. Things he wants us to do that we have a gift for. He has lessons we need to learn. We also have the responsibility of teaching others.. Our soulmates obviously achieved their graduation to Heaven. We learned lessons from them while they were here. The biggest lesson we are learning at this time is grief. How to live with sorrow after God gave us our gift of a soulmate.

 

2 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

"One day closer to you

I write a letter to my husband every night, telling him what I did or didn't quite accomplish during the day. My heartfelt feelings. I always write that I managed to get through another day, another day closer to our reunion.

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Sean, I feel that way too, now that I'm retired, how wonderful it would be if he were here to enjoy it!  Although he had an IRA, he really didn't think about retirement, he was too busy living the moment!  It seems so unfair that it was cut so short.

KMB, I used to write "Letters to George" (in my computer) but mostly I just think to him or talk aloud to him.

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3 hours ago, KayC said:

KMB, I used to write "Letters to George" (in my computer) but mostly I just think to him or talk aloud to him.

I am well into my 2nd notebook of nightly letters. I also think my thoughts and talk out loud. My daughter has gotten used to seeing me sitting up in bed at night with the notebook and pen on top of my husband's pillow on my lap, writing away. She's heard me talking out loud. She understands, she knows how close my husband and I were. At least she doesn't label me as crazy, just things I need to do to cope.

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Lonely spouse

thank you everyone it makes me feel better to know you all know how I am feeling. my so called friends say I am crazy for talking to Don and for questioning GOD on why he had to take Don. I have been told by my sister that one of her clients she is a home nurse talks to her husband and writes him a letter everyday she also said when she thinks about a fun thing they did together or had planned to do together she writes it down. I have thought about that but how does writing down what you had planned to do together make you feel better? to me it would make me more depressed cause he isn't here to do the fun thing with like just the little things going to the zoo or taking our fur babies to the doggie park I still take them cause it isn't fair not to take them but it isn't fun without Don. Am I wrong to be upset about him passing away? I just don't know why God put Don in my life then takes him away? I am glad its like God gave me my guardian angel. then he takes him away. its not fair. I don't know if Don will ever forgive me but I pray God and Don will forgive me for not getting him to the ER. I KNOW DON MADE ME PROMISE IF HE EVER GOT BAD TO PROMISE I WOULDNT LET THEM RESUSCIATE HIM. He always said I had to be prepared cause one day God was going to call him home. I just feel like it was my fault like he got punished for something I did but I just don't know what I could of done so bad that   Don had to pay with his life. I just pray that I will be forgiven. I wish I could of asked for Don's forgiveness sooner but the guilt and being mad at everyone for his passing just messed me up. I am sorry I was mad at you Don for passing away I understand it wasn't your choice. I love you Don. I promise you I will try to be strong like you asked me to be and I will try to beat the depression. 

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1 hour ago, Lonely spouse said:

Am I wrong to be upset about him passing away?

Of course not! You love Don, you have every right to be grieving!

1 hour ago, Lonely spouse said:

I just don't know why God put Don in my life then takes him away?

God placed Don in your life because He knew you to be the perfect partner for Don to spend the rest of his life with. That is such an honor and a blessing for you to be thankful for.

1 hour ago, Lonely spouse said:

I don't know if Don will ever forgive me but I pray God and Don will forgive me for not getting him to the ER. I KNOW DON MADE ME PROMISE IF HE EVER GOT BAD TO PROMISE I WOULDNT LET THEM RESUSCIATE HIM. He always said I had to be prepared cause one day God was going to call him home. I just feel like it was my fault like he got punished for something I did but I just don't know what I could of done so bad that   Don had to pay with his life. I just pray that I will be forgiven. I wish I could of asked for Don's forgiveness sooner but the guilt and being mad at everyone for his passing just messed me up.

You need to forgive yourself. You are carrying a burden of guilt that is not necessary nor justified. You did nothing wrong! It was Don's time to go. God called him home. Someday, in God's plans for you, He will call you home too. Don achieved whatever God's plan was for him and Don graduated to Heaven before you. God still has plans for you yet. And the plan does not include punishing you. God does not punish, He is all loving and supporting. Don is certainly not mad at you. Why would he be? He was sick and he knew his time was coming. There was nothing you could have done to prevent his passing. When God calls you home, you have to go.

I am concerned for your well being. We are all grieving, and we all carry guilt feelings early on, in wishing we could have changed the outcome. The evolution of the grieving process naturally clears the mind of guilt feelings as the logic and facts of our loss are realized. Have you been to a grief specialist? I feel that you need to talk to a professional with the constant guilt you are still feeling and need to relieve yourself of. If you go to church, maybe talk to your pastor.  (HUGS)

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AshleyDonahue
On 4/19/2017 at 10:24 PM, Lonely spouse said:

 I have been depressed ever sense and been criticized 4 wearing his t--shirts and hats . People keep telling me it's been over a month get over it. Well I can't. 

LS, I do this too. I'm wearing one of his t-shirts now as I type this. There are a few that I refuse to wash, because they still smell like him, like home, and I'm terrified of losing that. I know that words don't help, but I will still say to please be gentle with yourself. It is something my therapist has told me time and again, and I try my best to follow that advice. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and NO ONE is in a position to criticize you. Sending my love and compassion to you. 

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AshleyDonahue
On 4/19/2017 at 10:24 PM, Lonely spouse said:

 I have been depressed ever sense and been criticized 4 wearing his t--shirts and hats . People keep telling me it's been over a month get over it. Well I can't. 

LS, I do this too. I'm wearing one of his t-shirts now as I type this. There are a few that I refuse to wash, because they still smell like him, like home, and I'm terrified of losing that. I know that words don't help, but I will still say to please be gentle with yourself. It is something my therapist has told me time and again, and I try my best to follow that advice. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and NO ONE is in a position to criticize you. Sending my love and compassion to you. 

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AshleyDonahue
On 4/19/2017 at 10:24 PM, Lonely spouse said:

 I have been depressed ever sense and been criticized 4 wearing his t--shirts and hats . People keep telling me it's been over a month get over it. Well I can't. 

LS, I do this too. I'm wearing one of his t-shirts now as I type this. There are a few that I refuse to wash, because they still smell like him, like home, and I'm terrified of losing that. I know that words don't help, but I will still say to please be gentle with yourself. It is something my therapist has told me time and again, and I try my best to follow that advice. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and NO ONE is in a position to criticize you. Sending my love and compassion to you. 

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For people to criticize anything you do to help yourself through this is insane!  One month is the beginning of this journey, not the end of it!

You ask how it helps to write to them about our plans when they can't participate...for me it helps to include him because he is still very much a part of my life.  He can't physically sit next to me but in my mind, he's here with me, all the time.  We are merely physically separated for a time...and no I'm not delusional, I get that he's "dead" but not in his spirit, only in his body.
And I sometimes wear his jacket or his bathrobe, so you're not alone in feeling comfort from wearing his clothes...and it's been 12 years for me, we don't stop missing them and we make our way through this any way that brings us some degree of comfort.

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Lonely spouse

yes I do go to chruch but I just can't open up to the pastor about my feelings. I just can't open up to anyone I was opening up to Don and he passed away . I was always a shy person just didn't know how to fit in felt like I was a burden if I talked to people about my problems when they had their own problems.  I was learning Don  cared and he was able to help me workout my problems he understood that I felt like people were judging me. DON NEVER JUDGED ME. I FEEL LIKE A PASTOR JUST JUDGES ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOES. I GUESS IT'S JUST ME..I JUST FEEL LIKE I JUST LET DON DOWN. AND I LET MYSELF DOWN 2 BY LETTING DON DOWN.

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2 minutes ago, Lonely spouse said:

yes I do go to chruch but I just can't open up to the pastor about my feelings. I just can't open up to anyone I was opening up to Don and he passed away . I was always a shy person just didn't know how to fit in felt like I was a burden if I talked to people about my problems when they had their own problems.  I was learning Don  cared and he was able to help me workout my problems he understood that I felt like people were judging me. DON NEVER JUDGED ME. I FEEL LIKE A PASTOR JUST JUDGES ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOES. I GUESS IT'S JUST ME..I JUST FEEL LIKE I JUST LET DON DOWN. AND I LET MYSELF DOWN 2 BY LETTING DON DOWN.

I can totally relate to this. I too have always been extremely shy and have felt like I am burdening or bothering others which prevented me from reaching out. the few times I did, I felt like I was bothering them or they were not very interested, so it just reinforced this feeling. I wish I could talk to my pastor and just ask for some comforting words, he doesn't need to know the details but it helps that he did know Lily and is aware I was her friend. But I fear that my continued grief will raise questions and I don't want judgement. But I just want someone I can talk to who knew Lily and who can share our loss together. I've struggled to no longer rehash every action I took and wondering if I could have done something differently to  help keep her here, but in the end, she is still gone and beating myself up is only hurting me emotionally. I'm so tired of the pain but I have nothing else, so how do I move forward? It's difficult but I  just take one day at a time and although I think about her every day and still cry for her every day, I still try to remind myself that she is in a better place and that is all that matters.

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1 hour ago, Lonely spouse said:

yes I do go to chruch but I just can't open up to the pastor about my feelings.

Maybe you could at least give it a try, at some point down the road, when you might feel more comfortable and open to the idea? A person of faith, such as a clergyman, should not be judgemental. Even a grief specialist, such as a counselor or therapist shouldn't be judgemental.

I am also shy, and have been more on the introverted side. I have found out the hard way though, we all need someone to talk to, someone who will listen and understand, with no bias. You need to give people a chance. They might surprise you. You cannot be worried about being a burden and bothering others. This is YOU and what you need for yourself.

No matter what, you do have us here.:wub:

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Lonely spouse,

I am so sorry you feel that way.  I realize pastors are no different from the rest of us, I've had some I saw that way, but the one I currently have is so far from judgmental, he's very authentic and caring, I wouldn't want a pastor any other way, they should be approachable.  

Perhaps a Grief Support Group, you wouldn't have to say anything unless you wanted to, but you could at least hear what the others are going through and feeling and perhaps in time feel more comfortable opening up.  It's not a whole lot different from being on here except for the added dimension of being able to see/feel the other person and maybe even get a real live hug.  Sometimes friendships are born out of shared feelings like this, at least I've found it to be that way in my group.

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Lonely spouse

Thank u everyone. I know I need to come out of my shell . I was starting to come out and when my husband died I crawled right back in it. He was my strength now I feel like I have no strenght at all I feel lost. Like I am all alone in this world. People say there all all kinds of stages to grieving  and I am  in the mad stage. I am mad at my husband 4 leaving me but then I feel guilty cause I know he didn't do this to be mean to me and I know he isn't hurting any more. So how can I feel guilty and mad at the same mmm e time? Does anyone else have these feelings or am I crazy?  I know I am weak and lost in this big world and I feel so alone. Thank u all 4 not judging me. 

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37 minutes ago, Lonely spouse said:

Thank u everyone. I know I need to come out of my shell . I was starting to come out and when my husband died I crawled right back in it. He was my strength now I feel like I have no strenght at all I feel lost. Like I am all alone in this world. People say there all all kinds of stages to grieving  and I am  in the mad stage. I am mad at my husband 4 leaving me but then I feel guilty cause I know he didn't do this to be mean to me and I know he isn't hurting any more. So how can I feel guilty and mad at the same mmm e time? Does anyone else have these feelings or am I crazy?  I know I am weak and lost in this big world and I feel so alone. Thank u all 4 not judging me. 

LonelySpouse,

Keep in mind that the "stages of grief" were originally meant to describe the stages that a person them self goes through that has been given a terminal diagnosis. They are not meant to describe the stages we go through at the loss of someone else. With this in mid, understand that there are still a wide range of emotions you can, and will, go through and they can come alone or in multiples. You are not weak. You are experiencing the hardest thing that most people ever go through. And you are certainly not alone. We are all here walking this road and we will help carry you when you can't make it yourself.

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On 7/25/2017 at 4:23 AM, Lonely spouse said:

yes I WILL ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I LET DON DOWN. BUT HOW DO I CHANGE THAT FEELING I FEEL LIKE IT IS MY FAULT CAUSE I WAS THE ONEWHO WAS THERE WITH HIM AND I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS SUSPOSE TO BE THERE TO HELP HIM. AND I FAILED AS A WIFE.  I JUST KEEP ASKING MYSELF WHY WHY DIDNT I TRY TO FOECE HIM TO GO TO THE ER BUT HE SAID HE WANTED TO DIE AT HOME AND WHILE HE WAS ASLEEP AND HE DID JUST THAT.  I WILL ALWAYS FEEL GULITY AND PEOPLE TELLING ME OH YOU SHOULD OF DID MORE DOESNT HELP ME FEEL BETTER. I JUST PRAY THAT WHEN THOSE PEOPLE ARE PUT IN THIS  POSITION THEY HAVE PEOPLE NOT TREATING THEM THE WAY THEY ARE TREATING ME.

  

Your these lines realized me my situation when my husband was suffering from chickenpox. At day two he was having severe abdomen pain and he refused to go doctor and i did not force him as I thought it is just chickenpox and he will recover by next day but next day he was having back pain and I asked doctor if we can admit him but doctor said no to this because doctor thought he might catch other infection but I was the one in home with him and I was seeing him in so much pain, I should force doctor to check him or if he can visit him at home, I regret for all 3 days decisions made by myself and I will not forgive myself for that.

If I forced him on second or third day for hospitalization, he might be with me and I don't have to write all these here but I admit him on 4th day and by the time I think it was too late because internal bleeding was started by 4th day. Oh gosh I wish I could admit him earlier, I regret too much for my foolish decisions. 

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7 hours ago, LoveGoli said:

Your these lines realized me my situation when my husband was suffering from chickenpox. At day two he was having severe abdomen pain and he refused to go doctor and i did not force him as I thought it is just chickenpox and he will recover by next day but next day he was having back pain and I asked doctor if we can admit him but doctor said no to this because doctor thought he might catch other infection but I was the one in home with him and I was seeing him in so much pain, I should force doctor to check him or if he can visit him at home, I regret for all 3 days decisions made by myself and I will not forgive myself for that.

If I forced him on second or third day for hospitalization, he might be with me and I don't have to write all these here but I admit him on 4th day and by the time I think it was too late because internal bleeding was started by 4th day. Oh gosh I wish I could admit him earlier, I regret too much for my foolish decisions. 

I must admit that I still struggle with 2nd guessing the trust I put in doctors when Lori had her heart attack. It eats at me every day and probably will the rest of my life. You trusted the advice of a doctor. And why wouldn't you. They are the experts. You had no reason to believe that the doctor was doing anything but the best for him. You did the best you could with the information you had at the time. What I am saying is that YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME.

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19 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

LonelySpouse,

Keep in mind that the "stages of grief" were originally meant to describe the stages that a person them self goes through that has been given a terminal diagnosis. They are not meant to describe the stages we go through at the loss of someone else. With this in mid, understand that there are still a wide range of emotions you can, and will, go through and they can come alone or in multiples. You are not weak. You are experiencing the hardest thing that most people ever go through. And you are certainly not alone. We are all here walking this road and we will help carry you when you can't make it yourself.

Good point, you took the words right out of my mouth.  We can feel conflicting things at the same time, that's because our loss is multifaceted.  We will experience all kinds of emotions, some of them at the same time and all of them perfectly normal.

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