its harder then ever

[casey mae]

I dont know what im doing anymore, its going to be five years in two months. i cant say its got any easier. I keep saying shes in a better place, shes not in pain. but i cant help be mad and sad because shes missed out on so much that i wanted her here for, and i know theres so much more shes going to miss. its been almost five years and i still try and call her when something good, or bad happens, or if i have a question. im justed lost without her, she was my backbone the only one that was there for me, she took care of me by herself, and i just want her back. i just need someone to talk to who understands what is going on, because im only 28, most people i know havnt had to deal with there parent dying. i just need some understanding....

[missdad]

Casey Mae, I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I had words of comfort to offer. I am struggling as it has only been a month since my dad died. I want to talk with my dad, here and now not just someday in heaven. I want to call him and have him tell me a silly story about the latest deal he got. But I can’t. I don’t know much about grief. But what I do know is, we grief so hard because we loved our parent(s) so much. That longing we feel to talk to them now is because of our love and that can’t die. It just can’t.

[Augustgirl]

Casey Mae, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can relate so much to what you've said about just feeling so lost without your mother. I lost my dad in October last year and I too feel completely lost. He was my guide. I am so overwhelmed when I think about how much he has already missed out on and will continue to miss. I'm also in my late twenties and I wonder how I'm supposed to live (potentially) another 60 years without him in it. Without my dad knowing if I ever got married, or ever had children, or where I lived and what career I ended up doing. He took such an interest in my life - his family were his world - and he didn't want to go in the slightest. He wasn't ready. It breaks my heart thinking about how he felt when the doctors told him he would die within hours. He knew he would never get to see all his children again and say goodbye. 

The loss of a parent hurts far more than I could have imagined. I always knew it would be awful, but I didn't know that the intensity of the loss l feel could run so deeply and be so painful. I feel emotions that I didn't even know existed. My heart breaks.  

Be good to yourself, Casey Mae. I think we grieve in some ways for the rest of our lives. It is a reflection of how much the person we lost has meant to us. We can't fill the space left by them and nor should we try to. 

 

[casey mae]

thank you guys very much. i really miss her, i really wish she could be here for everything, id give anything to talk to her one more time. i wish she could see my kids, meet the love of my life, and just be here. ive never known pain til i lost her, and i dont wish it on anyone. it does get a little easier, with time but it doesnt seem like it will, im very sorry for your guys loss. i was a complete wreck for tthe first three years i couldnt get my life under control. i was in the hospital all the time for my anxiety. there was a couple times i got treated as if i was having a heart attack. i finally have it undercontrol to a point but i never ever thought i would become such a weak person, i could always take heart ache and pain and i lost it all when she died. i didnt get to say goodbye, i didnt get to hear her voice one last time, the last thing i remember was argueing with her and a couple days later im getting a call back saying shes gone. i will never forgive myself and will never forget not being there for her when she needed me most. i am completly full of sadness and regret..