So much regret

[Drissa]

My mom passed away March 17,2017, she was 48 years old, had just turned 48 in January. It was sudden and with little warning. My family and I are reeling from this loss. I am reeling. I am so sad all of the time. And have little want to do anything else. I wish the world would stop for just a little while so I can breath. 

My mom and i, we had a fractious relationship at best. We've been fighting ever since I was 6 (31 now). I hadn't seen her since October of last year. Hadn't talked to her since November. We didn't even talk on Christmas. Before she passed my sister told me she had gotten me a Christmas present, that I was never there to get. And I felt awful about it then. Now I feel like the worst daughter ever.  She ended up using my gift and claiming it for herself, so in a way it worked out well for her. 

I remember phone calls where she just wanted to talk while I was on the train home from work, and I would hurry her off the phone, and forget to call her back. 

My last good memory of my mom was last year for her birthday, where we sat down had a good dinner, and talked about out life, and why we had such a hard relationship. This is by far my favorite memory of her. She hadn't been drinking that night, so she was reasonable. My mom was an alcoholic so it was hard to find those times. 

On my wedding I wouldn't let her have a speech, because she had been drinking, and I just knew she would insult someone there. And I feel so bad now, even though then I knew I was right. It's so terrible that now I second guess every fight with her, every decision to not hang out with her, even though she was an alcoholic and I was not. 

But I feel so terrible that I put my life, and my husband's family ahead of her so much. I had seen my husband's parents more then her the last year, even though she is local and the in-laws are more then 800 km away. 

I now feel jealous over my sister and brothers memories with her, they had a much better relationship with her then I did. She always tried more with my sister, because she had kids. And she always wanted to see her grand babies. But I never had that. She didn't try to see me. I hate that so much. I've always hated it. 

How do I get on with so many regrets? How do I live with it every day weighing me down? I loved my mom deeply. I just didn't like her life choices. I wanted better for her. She didn't.  Why can't I accept right now as I always have that it takes two to tango, and every fight was as much her fault as my own? Why can't my emotions be reasonable here?

I've been writing down all my regrets in a letter to her, I've been told once I'm done I should go somewhere and burn it. But I'm not ready to let go, it's too soon. I just don't know how to cope right now. And go to work and be normal. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And it's so exhausting. 

[cindyjane]

I am so sorry for your loss.  Losing someone is hard enough but when you throw into the mix how complicated some relationships can be...it gets more difficult.  Alcoholism is so hard on families.  It affects every family member differently.  Each person deals with it in their own way for self preservation.  Your way of handling it was to detach to a certain extent.  Don't feel guilt over that  ... you did what you had to do to look after yourself and hold onto your sanity.  This doesn't mean that you loved her any less ... you were looking after yourself and there is nothing wrong with that.  It is so nice that you have that good memory of that birthday with your mom.  Hold on tight to that memory as I see it as a gift for both you and your mom.  

Take care and be good to yourself during this time.  Keeping you in my prayers for comfort.

Cindy Jane