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bradley1985

Lost my 33 year old wife - six months out

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I am new to this forum but I lost my wife nearly 4 1/2 months ago to a sudden stroke.   We had been together over six years and lived overseas where we worked together.  I'll skip the part about the foreign doctor saying 100% for sure it wasnt a stroke as that is just part of this cruel joke IMO.  I have been to so many grief meetings already (it feels like anyway) and I've spent many hours in counseling with a private counselor.  Everyone says it gets better but for me it just keeps getting worse.  My anxiety and panic attacks have faded but that only leaves me in a state of perpetual sadness and depression with a little anger thrown in (not much bartering going on these days).   I have never been a super happy person but I have always loved to get up and get the day going and loved to cook, go for motorcycle rides, visit new places, work on the house, work on the business, garden some etc.  Now absolutely nothing is appealing.  Talking to friends doesn't help.  Talking to family doesnt help.  Just nothing helps.

I spend my days working some on our business, walking, and some grief reading.  But she is on my mind literally every minute of every day.  Every day I think of more of her little behaviors or quirks that I miss so much.  I even miss her messes.  For a while I liked to work on our business because that is something we did together.  Now I am starting to not even care about that. After 3 years of work we finally met our goals one week before she died. We were leaving for the beach the next morning after a hard year of work.  Another cruel joke.  Only when I play a video game do I get a few hours relief but then I cant play the game the next day.  I can't enjoy television, movies, or books so I dont watch or read anything other than grief material.  Money is useless as there's nothing I want (except her of course).  All life's problems that we had are pointless now.  I dont care about any of them.  If something breaks or goes wrong I could care less.  Now I simply just dont care. I do normal stuff just to do it....to see my body move and pack up a box and send something back I bought on amazon for example.  I dont argue or get angry with anyone about anything like I did in the first 2 months of this loss.  Everybody else is right as far as I am concerned (not really but I dont care).

When I take walks all I can think is why do I get to look at the trees and flowers and she doesn't.  Not fair.  I tell god to keep his freaking sunsets, his flowers, his trees, his beatiful days.  They mean nothing to me now.  The world seems meaningless now.  Food is bland. I no longer like to talk and play with animals, they just look like pests now.  And I was a great dog and cat lover.  Coffee still tastes good amazingly enough.  Nobody and nothing can replace her.  I feel like an empty vessel wanting to die.  Even if I die and she isnt there god has got to be better company than this world.  I know this sounds very dismal but this is how I feel 80% of the time.  The other 20% of the time is a mixture of anger and the occasional hope that I have a future (which is quickly squashed by my own mind I suppose).

So, is this my new normal I am moving too?  Well, no thanks.

Anyway, thanks for listening.  

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Andy   

Bradley1985, 

I don't know what to say, being honest. Obviously I feel your sorrow, you're a little further into this than I am (I'm not quite 4 months), so your experience and perceptions may be different than mine. I wish I had something to give you hope or even comfort, I don't. My anger never really manifested, my patience ran thin, my grief is still as strong as ever, the waves of sadness still come, but not as frequent. We have a 21 year old daughter who I have to keep my mind focused, so that's different for me. 

You'll love your wife forever. You'll carry her around with you until your final days, always a part of you. This bitterness towards the world is understandable, expected even, you lost the single most important piece of who you are. I figured a while back that I will never understand God, nor will I get answers to the "whys", and I'm ok with that. If I had an answer, my wife of 24+ years would still be gone, I'd still sob tears of loss and I'd still be alone. 

I not only feel the pain of your loss, but also the loss of whatever joy you had in life, the same joy that your wife found so appealing in you to begin with. She loved you then, she loves you now, and I'm sure you've had someone tell you that "you have to try and be happy, she'd want that". Or something along those lines. Well, it seems trite and naive perhaps, a little too simple, but my friend, I believe this is true. It's easy for us to ramble off these "feel good" platitudes, but we, here on this forum, aren't just spouting off nonsense, we live this life. It sucks. Bad. Nothing easy or great or positive. I'd like to think if any of the wonderful people (far better than I) advise or suggest a way towards coping, then it carries a certain weight. I've had some very dark moments, days and weeks even, but I'm determined to climb out of this pit, to move forward. I spent 27 years with my wife, cared for her through many illnesses and a decade of suffering, to only have her slip away, never seeing her daughter one day get married, to never go on another anniversary trip with me, no more birthdays or Christmas, no hope in getting better or regaining some lost quality of life. The void in my life is immense, bottomless perhaps, but my wife didn't complain. Her only concern was the happiness of others, her family, her baby girl. What I learned from her, probably above all else, is that life is heartless, it takes what it wants, when it wants, and she had EVERY right to hate everything and anyone, but she didn't. She chose a different way. We have very little, none really, control of our world, our attitude, outlook, those are ours to decide. I would just say, that this loss you've suffered, it's a pain that won't ever truly subside, but we can learn to accept it, we can possess the pain instead of letting it possess us. Acknowledge it, recognize it, but put it in a place where it can exist without ripping you apart. My grief is a part of me now, and when it comes, I let it, I cry, sob, yell, then it fades away, leaving me weak, but standing. I could hate the world, but I don't have the energy anymore. If my wife could find ways to smile through YEARS of horrible suffering, then the least I can do is try. 

I hope you find a way, I hope you can let some of the anger go, it can burn you up, and I'll be thinking about you. Peace friend,

Andy

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Meesh   

Bradley 1985, 

Bless you, i feel your pain, all your feelings are normal after what you av been through, nothing can prepare us for this grief and we all grieve in different ways, i think i am very slowly starting to function better, i am 5 months into my grieving but some days i want to curl up and die, but i try to put myself in his mind and think how he would want me to live and that helps me a little, and it gives me strength,  i know he would want me to be happy and i am sure your wife would want the same for you, i know thats easier said than done, but a day at a time, take care .

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Hendo   

Bradley1985,

I am very sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine. I feel alot of the way you do and my wife is still here. She left me 6 months ago and I feel like she dead to me. I started counseling right away and been trying to get a little closer to God. But nothing seems to help, family, nothing. To be honest the last few days I been considering ending my life, but last night before I left work I checked my text messages and there was a text from a girl I met a couple months ago that had some bad depression issues, and at that time I had a little more faith in God than I did last night. When I met her I helped her through some of her stuff by giving her some of my faith texting every night for two weeks teaching her what I know. Now 45 days have gone by with no contact until last night when I was at my lowest and she texted me that I saved her life, all thanks to you. So in a way you can say she saved mine. GOD is real.

 

 

 

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Andy,

Thank you for the thoughtful message.  I try to think like you suggest.  It seemed to be working for a while a few weeks back.  Then the  hammer came down these last few weeks.  Everytime I start to have hope more intricate details of our life together surface and I end up more sad than ever before.  I never in my wildest dreams thought it was possible to miss one person so much.  And I am angry that I had no adequate warning.  No time to prepare and discuss how much I loved her, etc.  I think thats where the anger comes from.  The 80% sadness is that she just isnt here. When I try to imagine or plan my future without her and doing all the things we did without her is when it hurts the most.   When I stay in the day and focus on my tasks for the day it is slightly easier.  But to do our work I have to travel back to where we lived overseas.  Thats where my life was (business still is).  

Hendo,  I know your situation and that one hurts too.  Not only is she gone but it slaps you in your self esteem or self worth or something like that.  I will never underestimate the hurt that can cause by being left by the one you love that you thought loved you!  I had to have medication for that before.  Second worse time of my life.

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KC81   

Hi Bradley, I think there are a few similarities in our situations.
I lost my wife nearly 6 months ago to suicide from postpartum depression without prior mental health history.
She was found 3 weeks later.  She was 32 (would be 33 now), I'm 36.  Our baby was 2 months old then.
We were together for 6.5 years and married for 2.5 years. 

It feels like a sudden amputation of a part of me. 
The first 2-3 months were of anxiety and emotional numbness and shock.
Transitioned to that of intense longing and pain after 2-3 months (can be longer for sudden unexpected loss)
Months 5-6 were tough for me.

I do have a good bunch of friends who make sure I engage with social activities and physical exercise.
I attended grief share, and still sees a couple psychologists.
What helped a lot was my interest in spirituality and my belief that she's but on the other side.
One day I'll join her (we're all mortal), but until that day comes, I will try my best to continue living my life to the fullest, and with purpose.
She had to leave at age 32.  I don't know how long my time in this physical world is, but I'll at least try my best to help our baby grow up.
I'll try my best to prevent new moms from hurting themselves.  I'll work on eradicating the stigma to mental illness and postpartum depression.

There is still a lot of love in this world, and there are people who care, and people who need our care.  And for me, that's worth giving life another chance for.

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M88   
3 hours ago, KC81 said:

It feels like a sudden amputation of a part of me

This is how how my loss feels too.  A sudden, hidden amputation of a large part of mind, body and soul.  

I am feeling so sad for all of us tonight.  I can only hope that reading and posting on this forum helps you guys as it helps me. 

I hope being amongst others who really do understand the depth of our pain, will help you feel less alone. 

Losing interest in activities and places we once enjoyed seems to be a common part of grief.  One day, surely, we must begin to feel pleasure in something, again. 

Sending strength and hugs to you all. 

 

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KayC   

Bradley,

It's a hard knock to lose someone so young and unexpectedly.  My husband and I met in our 40s and he died right after his 51st birthday, it was a shock.  We thought we had years left together, had even bought a porch swing to grow old together in.  It is normal to lose interest in everything and lose focus too.  I couldn't read the first ten years, nothing held my concentration, I could remember anything I read.  Hobbies I used to love held no meaning anymore, I still struggle with that after nearly 12 years.  I have learned to embrace whatever good there is in life and appreciate it, but it does take concerted effort.  I am so sorry for your loss.  We may not have answers but we do understand.

Hendo,

My son-in-law just left my daughter, I found out on Easter.  He loved her since 2000, they lived together since 2005 and married in 2009.  Her heart is broken and I hurt for her so much...for him too since he seems to be on self-destruct, drinking a lot.  I love him like my own son and it's killing everyone in the family, I feel your pain, I know it all too well, been there!  It sounds like in helping someone else you've found some purpose and that's good.

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KMB   

KC81, I admire and respect the way you are honoring your wife by promoting the awareness of postpartum depression and mental health. There is a need for more available resources for these unfortunate issues. Education is the most important venue for making people aware that there needs to occur some major changes in society's perceptions, if we are to ever exist in a peaceful, loving, tolerant world. Wishing you and your baby the best.

Hendo, God is blessing you with love and strength during your time of loss. God brings people into our lives for a purpose. At your lowest point, He brought someone into your life to save and in turn she saved you. People helping others with selflessness and love. That is what God wants from us. (HUGS)

M88, Hang in there! We are all one big family here keeping each other up off the ground. (HUGS)

KayC, You know my thoughts---- prayers and hugs!

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On 4/20/2017 at 2:22 AM, KC81 said:

I do have a good bunch of friends who make sure I engage with social activities and physical exercise.
I attended grief share, and still sees a couple psychologists.
What helped a lot was my interest in spirituality and my belief that she's but on the other side.
One day I'll join her (we're all mortal), but until that day comes, I will try my best to continue living my life to the fullest, and with purpose.
She had to leave at age 32.  I don't know how long my time in this physical world is, but I'll at least try my best to help our baby grow up.
I'll try my best to prevent new moms from hurting themselves.  I'll work on eradicating the stigma to mental illness and postpartum depression.

Hi KC81,  yes we have a lot in common.  I also do most of what you do except I would not say I have a ton of friends, some though.  Big family.  And we didnt have a child.  But I am donating and volunteering for American diabetes association in her honor.  I attended griefshare as well and grief recovery (just started).  I also believe Nicole is on the other side.  I mean just right their on the other side with only a thin layer seperating her, god and the others from me.  But I guess unlike you I dont see much purpose.  Nothing is fulfilling.

I feel just like I have felt all my life prior to Nicole yet didnt even know how I felt until now.  If that makes any sense.  The looming outlook is everything will eventually get back to normal.  My normal before Nicole sucked and yet I didnt even know how bad it sucked until now.  I thought I had a good life prior to Nicole.  But looking  back at the pictures and looking at my life prior to Nicole I know now it sucked.  Yeah, pretty bad.  Going back to that really adds an extra layer to the grief I guess.  The counselor says I have to find things I like to do and get excited about them.  I'm sure she is right, but easier said than done.  

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Marcel   
On 20.4.2017 at 3:21 AM, bradley1985 said:

And I am angry that I had no adequate warning.  No time to prepare and discuss how much I loved her, etc.

I know that's not going to help but having an adequte warning doesn't help either. I knew my wife was going to leave me at some point. We talked about her passing many times, still I have so many regrets. Not showing her adequately how much I love her. Not bringing her flowers for no reason often enough. And most of all not being with her in her final moments. When someone you love leaves you you're ultimately left with tons of unanswered questions and regrets. There's no shortcut, there's no easy way out. And as much as we are aware they they continue to exist at some other level, we're still alone with our grief. If you find out how to handle it, let me know because I don't.

Before I met my wife I was a mess. Since she's gone I am a mess. She rescued me from the deepest pit and now I'm thrown back in there. I'd like to cheer you up but all I can do is to tell you that you are not alone in this.

 

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14 hours ago, Marcel said:

Before I met my wife I was a mess. Since she's gone I am a mess. She rescued me from the deepest pit and now I'm thrown back in there. I'd like to cheer you up but all I can do is to tell you that you are not alone in this.

Marcel,  you said it.  I was a traveling drinking guy going to chinese meetings and drinking beijiu (chinese wine) for several years before my wife and I got together.  I thought I had the life.  I thought I was having fun.  Then Nicole and I got together in late 2010.  We did a little drinking but completely calmed down in 2012 thanks to her.  We had the last 4 years without drinking.  Not a single drink for her.   2-3 for me.  Life was so much better than I knew it could be.  I never knew the joy of getting up and having coffee with your wife and then going to work with your wife.  And at the end of the day doing our own thing or watching a movie or going to dinner or just sitting on the couch and bullshitting.  She saved my life. Like you I was in a very deep pit before her and didnt even know it.  Now I am back there again, but worse and with nothing to ease the pain.  

After what she did for me I feel all the more crappy she isnt here to enjoy the fruits of our labor.  After all, without her I would probably be in the drunk tank somewhere in China by now.  Not running a nice little family business.  Now, I certainly dont feel like returning to my pre-wife lifestyle and really cant as I know longer have that job in China.  I want to stay like we were and be the same person I was with her but she isnt here.  So now what?  If you figure it out let me know as well.  

 

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KayC   

I got no warning either and didn't get to tell him any last final thing but we showed our love and our appreciation for each other each and every day we were together so what more could I have said even if I'd gotten another chance to do so.  The only thing I would have like to have done was relieve his mind about me so that he could focus on his transitioning to his next life without worrying about me, but even so he probably still would have worried about me, we cared about each other so much, we were always each other's first concern.

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Francine   
On 4/19/2017 at 3:36 PM, bradley1985 said:

When I take walks all I can think is why do I get to look at the trees and flowers and she doesn't.  Not fair.  I tell god to keep his freaking sunsets, his flowers, his trees, his beautiful days.  They mean nothing to me now.  The world seems meaningless now.  Food is bland. I no longer like to talk and play with animals, they just look like pests now.  And I was a great dog and cat lover.  Coffee still tastes good amazingly enough.  Nobody and nothing can replace her.  I feel like an empty vessel wanting to die.  Even if I die and she isnt there god has got to be better company than this world.  I know this sounds very dismal but this is how I feel 80% of the time.  The other 20% of the time is a mixture of anger and the occasional hope that I have a future (which is quickly squashed by my own mind I suppose).

I know how you feel.  Nothing will ever be the same without our loved ones to share it with us.  When we lose the love of our lives, we look at the world differently.  The world seems to be our  enemy and we are at war; we hate it and all it represent.   Things seem to be less important; less meaningful; it seems like a fog engulfs you. Even when the shock wears off, that fog can linger on coming and going for a very long time.   This fog, for lack of a better word, grief, can get so heavy that it surrounds us, clouds our minds, our thinking and interferes with our ability to sometimes function.  We're on overload. Some of us describe this feeling in many ways: "going through the motions", "a robotic existence," "functioning at 50%", forgetful and confused", "on a 10-second time delay", or "disoriented and indecisive".

Nothing you love is ever lost.  Not really.  Things, people -- they always go away, sooner or later.  You can't hold them anymore than you can hold moonlight.  But if they've touched you, if they're inside you; then they're still yours.  The only things you ever really have are the ones you hold inside your heart.  We can't see the forest because of the trees and sometime we can't see down the road; but God can see around every curve.

I know how you feel; I lost the love of my life of 45 years. We were as much in love when he left this world as when we got married; he was and still is my heart; no one can ever replace him; my being hurt with every ounce of pain you can ever imagine; I long to touch him, feel him, kiss him, love him.  But I know that this earth is not our home and was never meant to be. He just want on ahead of me.  I figure like this:  I can be thankful to God for allowing Charles and I to share 45 wonderful together; for the love we shared and the memories we made together, or be miserable, pathetic and sad for the rest of my life.  I choose to be the former because I know with all my heart, my Charles would have wanted it that way.  I thank my Charles for loving me, protecting me, honoring me, encouraging me, and teaching me.     We all are born to die, but because God gave HIS only son for our sins, we are beings destined to everlasting life.  Charles and I will be together again - no doubt in my mind - only this time it will be forever.
 
God Bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.
 

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23 hours ago, Francine said:

I know how you feel; I lost the love of my life of 45 years. We were as much in love when he left this world as when we got married; he was and still is my heart; no one can ever replace him; my being hurt with every ounce of pain you can ever imagine; I long to touch him, feel him, kiss him, love him.  But I know that this earth is not our home and was never meant to be. He just want on ahead of me.  I figure like this:  I can be thankful to God for allowing Charles and I to share 45 wonderful together; for the love we shared and the memories we made together, or be miserable, pathetic and sad for the rest of my life.  I choose to be the former because I know with all my heart, my Charles would have wanted it that way. 

I know how you feel regarding longing to touch him, feel him, talk to him.  I am not taking this well at all.  I cant figure like you though.  Not today.  I feel cheated.  Our relationship was just starting to grow.  We were growing together.  I lived alone with her overseas and really dont have very many friends.  My family was not real close to her as we were not here.  I feel more alone than I have ever felt in my life.  I think I feel abandoned.  I wish I could choose to not be miserable, pathetic and sad.  I dont know how to choose that because my body and soul ache and cry and I cant stop it.  I cant relate to the world.   It is all so foreign now.  Coming back from living in Asia is not helping either as its a different world here.  I am sure that may make it worse.  I dont know.  

But mostly I think I just got used to relating to only my wife for so many years and now she is gone.  All my emotional eggs, so to speak, were put in one basket.  Unlike you I dont know what my wife would want from me. I ask her every day.   Everyone tells me what she would want.  But how would they know?  Did she tell them?  Somtimes I get a sneaking feeling that she is saying "if you are really unhappy you should come join me".  Delusion on my part?  I dont know.  All our pets died.  I have nobody depending on me.  Why wouldn't she say this?  Seems logical to me.

My wife had an openness about her and knew me so well and she held to no social norms whatsoever. Some of that may be because she lived in a very open society for the last six years. I'm not sure.  Regardless of the reason her openness and willing to say and do whatever came to her mind is why I loved her so so much.  And I miss her with all my heart every minute of every day.  I have never hurt so bad in all my life.  She was the "coolest", most fun human being I have ever known.  

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For the last several days I have been trying to make some plans for my life.  I have to go back overseas on May 17th to work on our business.  I dont have any work to speak of here in the usa.  I am scared to go.  Even in here in the USA when I see the places we used to go I am always just overcome with sadness that it is to never be again.    The purpose of our business was to provide us funds to enjoy our time together exploring overseas.  Nothing else.  Not to fund a new home, buy a new car, put kids through college, or contribute to a 401k.  Just to live and be together.  So while I enjoyed doing our business together it is not so fun on my own.  Well nothing is fun.  

Many people tell me to get involved in something bigger than myself or to get involved in a church or find a purpose.  None of this is going to help.  I feel extremely isolated.  Even at grief groups I have a hard time staying after and doing the social conversing.  I just want to get in my car and come to parents house and sleep and put an end to another miserable painful day.  My purpose was to make enough money so I could enjoy being with my wife.  So we could sit on the couch in the evenings and talk about everything under the sun (we don't have a television set).  My purpose was to get up in the morning and wait for her smiling face to wake up and have coffee with me.  My purpose was to care for her and be the family provider as best as I could.  My purpose was to watch her face light up when I took her to her favorite restaurant.  My purpose was to make sure she was safe and happy. My purpose was to love her.   I'm sorry if I cant replace that with hauling furniture for the local charity or cleaning out cat kennels.  I'm sorry if the 30 minute church sermon on Suday doesnt do anything for me.  I have no more faith with her death than I had when she was alive.  If anything, less so how does changing my behavior and hearing sermons all of the sudden supposed to help?  Well, they dont. I have decided Sunday's are the worst day of the week for me for  myriad of reasons.

Now I get to wake up, feel alone all day, and watch everyone living life while I have none.  I am not living.  I am existing.  This cant be what god wants from me, or anyone.  Just waking up and existing until its time to sleep the next evening?  My parents had company over last night and had a great time.  My sister was with her family at the sports arena all day sunday.  My brother was watching tv with his wife and children.  All of them, probably not even realizing it,  were living life and conversing back and forth with their loved ones.   Me?  Pining away for a love and life that will never be again.  Wishing with every muscle fiber in my heart that my beautiful, kind wife would just come down from heaven, if only for a few seconds, and give me a hug and a smile and tell me a few sentances about what she is up to.  Tell me who she is been talking too.  How she cant wait to see me again.  If I could "LIVE" life only for those few seconds I would be so grateful.  As I dont know how to live without her.  She was the best thing that ever happened to me my entire life.

I am in my 40s.  I feel tortured.  And I get how many more years of "life"?  5,10,20, 30?  I never really enjoyed life that much before her.  But now that I know how life can really be when you love someome.  I feel like a person who, after years of patiently waiting for release, finally got their dream and was released only to be told it was a mistake.  something like that anyway.

 

 

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KayC   

My husband was just 51 when he died...in my family we live well into our 90s, that gives me 40 years to go it alone, with any grace I'll have less but all the same, 30, 40 years, it's a long time.  I'm just trying to take a day at a time, make it through today.  I can't worry about how alone I am, I'm aware of it every day, every night, it just is what it is.  It would be wonderful if we all had something to look forward to, something of excitement, but what?  I am becoming more aware of people hurting, people everywhere, those disillusioned with life.  Even those who are enjoying life don't realize how quickly the rug can be pulled out from under their feet.  Perhaps we're all trusting in the wrong thing, this life is so perishable.

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8 hours ago, KayC said:

It would be wonderful if we all had something to look forward to, something of excitement, but what?  I am becoming more aware of people hurting, people everywhere, those disillusioned with life.  Even those who are enjoying life don't realize how quickly the rug can be pulled out from under their feet.  Perhaps we're all trusting in the wrong thing, this life is so perishable.

Thanks KayC.  Yes, I see pain everywhere now.  Never saw it before.  I trusted my wife for sure.  I dont really trust the world or even god right now.  How can I?  I read in the grief recover handbook (the one many grief groups use) that when your loved one dies there are two and ONLY two possibilites regarding faith. It either stays the same as the pre-loss or goes down.  Yet recovers with a lot of time.   I had faith before my wife died.  I have faith now.  Did my faith drop?  I believe so.  And a lot.  Intellectually I agree and see your point.  But trusting this world is a hard thing right now.  As far as the next rug to be pulled out from underneath me who knows.  How can I get even more sad? 

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KayC   

I think grief challenges our faith, it makes us question everything about our world, faith included.  My faith is strong but I'm here to tell you, it sure was challenged that first year!  I felt I couldn't pray or if I tried, God felt a million miles away.  At some point I must have had a breakthrough, it was faith-based not feeling-based.  Feelings can be very deceiving.  I don't blame God, I don't think He set out to ruin my life or take from me the best thing that ever happened to me.  I think it's all rather random, some luck out, some...not so much.  It does challenge everything we've ever known to be true.  I feel like a simple innocence was stolen from me, before I took life for granted that it would continue as it was...now I know how quickly things can change, how fleeting it all is.  I don't "wait for the ball to drop" but I do have an awareness that it can happen at any moment.

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HHFaith   
On 4/27/2017 at 11:07 AM, bradley1985 said:

I read in the grief recover handbook (the one many grief groups use) that when your loved one dies there are two and ONLY two possibilites regarding faith. It either stays the same as the pre-loss or goes down.  Yet recovers with a lot of time.  

Not sure I agree with that handbook.  I actually feel that, in a way, my faith has grown since this tragedy.  I guess I did have faith before, but it's stronger now.  I find myself praying more, even if my prayer is simply "Help me make it through this day."  Though going through this is torture, there's something inside of me that is keeping me going and reminding me that I will be ok.  I will never be the same, but I will be ok.  I believe that is my faith telling me that and my faith that is getting me through each difficult day, and they have all been difficult days.  I think faith is a very individual thing and can mean different things to different people.  But whatever it is, it seems to be helping me get through this.  I hope everyone reading this can find their version of "faith" to bring comfort and strength to get you through each day.

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On 4/28/2017 at 2:56 PM, HHFaith said:

Not sure I agree with that handbook.  I actually feel that, in a way, my faith has grown since this tragedy.  I guess I did have faith before, but it's stronger now.  I find myself praying more, even if my prayer is simply "Help me make it through this day."  Though going through this is torture, there's something inside of me that is keeping me going and reminding me that I will be ok.  I will never be the same, but I will be ok.

Well, I finished this program.  I am pretty sure its the top program in the U.S.  I think they have a lot of things correct.  I also did the christ based "Griefshare" program.  It was good as well but in a different way.  Bottom line is after both of these programs the guilt is less and ability to deal with people have improved somewhat.  That is positive. I have work which seems to be going well.  Thats positive again.    However, my overall depression and hopelessness have not improved.  I cant see a light at the end of the tunnel regarding having a life again.  I say "again".  But to be honest the only life I have ever had where I felt I had a life was when I was married to my wife.

Every day I wake up and its just another day with me, by myself, without Nicole.  Nothing really to look forward too.  My friends remind me of the good times in High School, which quite honestly, were not all that good.  My parents remind me of when I was a kid, which again quite honestly, were not all that good.  I feel like I am in for the most empty life imaginable.  Just wake up, cry, work, make some money, go to meetings, come home cry, go to bed.  I walk an hour every morming because my counselor tells me too but also just to fill up my day and to help me sleep at night.  Nobody seems to understand.  Even the counselor says "glad you are enjoying your walks".  Well, I am not!  I just do it.  Today I told my sister I was doing "ok".  I lied.  She replies back glad you are doing "good".  Everyone wants to force how you should be feeling onto you.  I hate it but will live with it as I they are tired of hearing how I feel.  I feel like this life now has nothing to offer that is of any substance.  A walk, some good food, sunshine.....sounds great but these things are a mere pittance of what has been lost.

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KMB   

bradley1985, I like the new pic you posted. Communicating is easier when you can place a face with the words. I haven't made the time to post a pic. Maybe someday, when pics of my husband are not quite so painful to look at.

I admire your honesty with your feelings of losing Nicole. She brought you love, meaning and purpose. She was your bright spot for awhile and even though her light is physically gone from your life, it shines brightly in your heart and memories. You speak of the positives of the grief support programs and your work. There is a glimmer of hope there when you acknowledged those things as positive. You are trying and it is the best any of us can do. This journey is so much harder to bare when the other people in our life do not fully understand our agony. They go on with their lives and expect us to do the same, only because our loss has not directly impacted them. We find ourselves covering up and lying about our true feelings to the ones who don't *get it*. Heck of a way to live, isn't it? I've walked away from a few people already who don't understand. Their loss out of my life doesn't bother me. They were not true friends after all. My life is similar to yours. I fill it with the mundane, automatic basics of functioning.My whole purpose now is just to keep trying and make it through another day. Except for my pets, my heart doesn't engage in living.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. It is only here that we can truly be ourselves. My oldest daughter from my first, short marriage, moved back home here yesterday. The house is a total chaotic mess with her things. I don't even care about the mess. We will get things into some kind of order in time. As much as I love my daughter and welcome her as another breathing presence in this lonely place, it is not comparable to wanting my husband here.

Take care of yourself, Bradley.  (HUGS)

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KayC   

Bradley,

It takes more time than I can say to build a life for yourself, at least it did for me.  It's NOTHING like the life I had before, nothing.  But at least it's now doable, and that's worth something to me.  It took a long time and a whole lot of work...

I'm glad you feel those programs were of help to you, it sounds like you've had some good results from them!

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HHFaith   
4 hours ago, KMB said:

As much as I love my daughter and welcome her as another breathing presence in this lonely place, it is not comparable to wanting my husband here.

KMB, I wish you the best with your daughter at your house. Hoping you find some relief from the loneliness with her there. I'm missing my daughter terribly with her out in LA. We are making plans for her to come home for a couple weeks sometime next month. Yes my house will be a mess with her here but I am looking forward to having her back here.  She was here for the holidays and went back only a couple days after Pat died.  It's really nice to have the feeling of looking forward to something again.  I almost forgot what that felt like.

 

 

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Francine   
On 4/23/2017 at 5:30 PM, bradley1985 said:

 I cant figure like you though.  Not today.  I feel cheated.

I know how you feel - I am a believer in prayer and God and I too believed HE had abandoned me, cheated me out of my happiness.  I realized and am still learning that its not what I want - its what God wants.  HE hasn't abandoned me, HE's the one bringing me through this; HE hasn't cheated me, HE gave me my Charles and allowed us to share 45 wonderful years together.  It took a lot of crying, swearing, praying, soul searching; to get to where I am - but the sad part is,  I don't stay there.   There are times I feel myself slipping back into that place where that cold clammy darkness surrounds me penetrating my soul. That place where I feel dead inside and my heart has holes that bleed black blood.  Talk about gloomy - but that's where I sometimes go.   And when that happens, I turn to prayer and just having a one-on-one talk with my heavenly father.  You are not there yet, but God won't leave you empty - HE will replace everything you've lost.  Sometimes life deals us a losing hand and we feel as if it has cheated up; our tears will fall and our heart sill be broken, but GOD will restore all that we lose.  Stay strong - I'm praying for you!

9 hours ago, KMB said:

My oldest daughter from my first, short marriage, moved back home here yesterday. The house is a total chaotic mess with her things. I don't even care about the mess. We will get things into some kind of order in time. As much as I love my daughter and welcome her as another breathing presence in this lonely place, it is not comparable to wanting my husband here.

I feel you.  My son is with me and I don't know what I would have done without him.  And like you - I love him with my whole heart and he does his best to take care of his mom - his father would have been proud of him.  But no one and I mean no one will ever take care of me like my Charles did.  No one can ever make me happy; no one can ever make me feel safe and no one can love me like Charles and I don't expect anyone to.  After God made Charles, HE broke the mold. 

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