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bradley1985

Lost my 33 year old wife - six months out

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HHFaith, Yes, it is nice to have my daughter here. She gives me a reason to focus on something besides my missing my husband. Thank you for caring. When your daughter comes for a visit next month, I hope you have a good time and that she'll help ease your loneliness as well.  (HUGS)

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Francine, I totally get you. As much as I love my daughter, no one can replace my Ed and how he was able to enhance my total well being. We were so emotionally wrapped up in each other, that I am forever going to be lost and lonely until we are reunited. Blessings to you, Francine. (HUGS)

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22 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

Well, I finished this program.  I am pretty sure its the top program in the U.S.  I think they have a lot of things correct.  I also did the christ based "Griefshare" program.  It was good as well but in a different way.  Bottom line is after both of these programs the guilt is less and ability to deal with people have improved somewhat.  That is positive. I have work which seems to be going well.  Thats positive again.    However, my overall depression and hopelessness have not improved.  I cant see a light at the end of the tunnel regarding having a life again.  I say "again".  But to be honest the only life I have ever had where I felt I had a life was when I was married to my wife.

Every day I wake up and its just another day with me, by myself, without Nicole.  Nothing really to look forward too.  My friends remind me of the good times in High School, which quite honestly, were not all that good.  My parents remind me of when I was a kid, which again quite honestly, were not all that good.  I feel like I am in for the most empty life imaginable.  Just wake up, cry, work, make some money, go to meetings, come home cry, go to bed.  I walk an hour every morming because my counselor tells me too but also just to fill up my day and to help me sleep at night.  Nobody seems to understand.  Even the counselor says "glad you are enjoying your walks".  Well, I am not!  I just do it.  Today I told my sister I was doing "ok".  I lied.  She replies back glad you are doing "good".  Everyone wants to force how you should be feeling onto you.  I hate it but will live with it as I they are tired of hearing how I feel.  I feel like this life now has nothing to offer that is of any substance.  A walk, some good food, sunshine.....sounds great but these things are a mere pittance of what has been lost.

Brad, I feel conflicted when people ask me how I am doing. I agree it's easy to just say good or fine and move on. It makes me wonder if people really think I am fine because, truth be known, I have never been further from good or fine in my life. On the other hand I am afraid if I tell people how I really am then they will stop asking or stop inviting me out. Nobody wants to be around someone who is sad all the time. 

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17 hours ago, KMB said:

You speak of the positives of the grief support programs and your work. There is a glimmer of hope there when you acknowledged those things as positive. You are trying and it is the best any of us can do. This journey is so much harder to bare when the other people in our life do not fully understand our agony. They go on with their lives and expect us to do the same, only because our loss has not directly impacted them. We find ourselves covering up and lying about our true feelings to the ones who don't *get it*. Heck of a way to live, isn't it? I've walked away from a few people already who don't understand. Their loss out of my life doesn't bother me. They were not true friends after all. My life is similar to yours. I fill it with the mundane, automatic basics of functioning.My whole purpose now is just to keep trying and make it through another day. Except for my pets, my heart doesn't engage in living.

Thanks KMB.  The anxiety is also down.  I forgot to mention that.  

Yes.  heck of a way to live.  I really dont want to talk to anyone about anything personal anymore unless its in a support group.  Thats sort of the point I am getting too.  As nobody understands outside of these groups unless they have been there.  I am overseas and every day I find it more difficult to call friends and family back in the U.S. because I dont have a "positive" update.  Yes, anxiety is down, guilt is down, ability to  function is up, but those, except for guilt are not really feelings.  The feeling is and continues to be I, as well as others on this forum,  have lost our lives.  I probably shouldnt speak for anyone but myself.  But I have lost my life.  Like you, I busy myself now with trying to get coffee I like, food I like, learning a new language, and work. I have a young lady who works for me who is nice to work with but after a few hours I am ready to sulk again.  I sort of count the hours until its time to fall asleep again.

You hit the nail on the head when you say Nicole brought love, meaning, and purpose to life.  It was here one minute and gone the next.  My counselor says that my wife gave me this gift and now I can share it with family and friends.  But I dont get it.  I shared it with Nicole and I cant all of the sudden take this love and share it with others....I really dont even feel like talking to "others", much less sharing Nicole's love.  

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7 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

Brad, I feel conflicted when people ask me how I am doing. I agree it's easy to just say good or fine and move on. It makes me wonder if people really think I am fine because, truth be known, I have never been further from good or fine in my life. On the other hand I am afraid if I tell people how I really am then they will stop asking or stop inviting me out. Nobody wants to be around someone who is sad all the time. 

Eagle96, I do too.  Very conflicted.  To be honest it is easier to be around people I dont know so well and NOT tell them how I am feeling.  If I tell friends or family how I am doing it either drives them away or they want to tell me what I need to do to feel fine.  No matter what the hell they say or what they want to talk about or what advice they give I can guaruntee you it isnt going to help.  If anything it will just make things worse.  Almost every time.  When I talk to my wife's mother or her sister its a different story as this was their loss also for the rest of their lives.  They are by far the easiest people to talk to as regardless of their drinking or whatever they most certainly feel the pain.  

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bradley, I'm the opposite right now. I just want someone to ask me how I'm doing and really mean it. I want to talk about how lost and lonely I feel, how much I miss my soulmate, how sad and angry I feel that she suffered and is no longer here when she wanted to live a long life. But no one asks. I don't have friends and I was closer to her than most of my own family. I can talk with my mom sometimes, but that is only if I bring it up but I can't say how deep the pain is, all I can say is I miss her and why did God let this happen. She tries to comfort me but I know I can't push it and risk hurting her. I am not close to Lily's family so I don't speak with them. A couple of ladies from church who knew Lily will occasionally ask how I am doing, but I sometimes feel like they really don't want to know. A simple hanging in there satisfies them and they are on their way. Is it crazy to hope that God somehow brings her back to me, someway, somehow? That's what I hang on to these days.

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1 hour ago, Lulu said:

I just want someone to ask me how I'm doing and really mean it.

I hear you, that's something I don't have anymore.  KMB, I'm glad your daughter is settling in.  Those of you having children stay with you, however temporary or long, I'm glad for you.  I seldom get phone calls from mine and it's extremely rare to get a visit.  I know it's not the same as having your husband there, but it's something at least.

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KayC, I am truly sorry that you don't hear from or see your own children as often as you would like. My youngest daughter lives in Washington, a town called Bremmerton. I don't know how far that is from you in Oregon.  She is a CNA. Maybe if you see the need for home health care in the future (hopefully not), she could move in and be a surrogate daughter for you. I'm just teasing of course. Give you a smile for the day!

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According to Mapquest, it's 326 miles...a little too far for a sleepover! :D  But thanks for the offer!

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On 6/15/2017 at 7:35 PM, Francine said:

I am a believer in prayer and God and I too believed HE had abandoned me, cheated me out of my happiness.  I realized and am still learning that its not what I want - its what God wants.  HE hasn't abandoned me, HE's the one bringing me through this; HE hasn't cheated me, HE gave me my Charles and allowed us to share 45 wonderful years together.  It took a lot of crying, swearing, praying, soul searching; to get to where I am - but the sad part is,  I don't stay there.   There are times I feel myself slipping back into that place where that cold clammy darkness surrounds me penetrating my soul. That place where I feel dead inside and my heart has holes that bleed black blood.  Talk about gloomy - but that's where I sometimes go.   And when that happens, I turn to prayer and just having a one-on-one talk with my heavenly father.  You are not there yet, but God won't leave you empty - HE will replace everything you've lost.  Sometimes life deals us a losing hand and we feel as if it has cheated up; our tears will fall and our heart sill be broken, but GOD will restore all that we lose.  Stay strong - I'm praying for you!

Francine,  Thank you for this.  I no longer believe prayers are answered according to the prayer "request" but I do believe strongly in god.  For my experience its just too out of order.  My wife was so young and full of energy and we were just starting our life together.  We had been together only 6 years and were really looking forward to the next 20+ years.  So for me it feels like being cheated.  I waited all my life to fall in love and have someone I really wanted with me and 17 months of marriage feels like a cheat.  We left the usa as a team to start a new life together overseas and now, whoosh, its gone.  

I am very familiar with that cold clammy darkness but I also dont see that place as much now.  But the pain behind my jaw and the upset stomach and the heart ache are not going to retreat anytime soon.  I feel like a poker player who has just had one bad hand after another but I never dreamed my final hand would be my wife dying.  I couldnt even imagine such a catastrophe.  Even on the way to the hospital, even at the hospital, even after she was pronounced brain dead I still THOUGHT she would be ok.  I not only miss her from my standpoint but feel rediculously sorry for her herself.  Even if she wasnt with me and had divorced me at least she would have her life!  Ya know?

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On 6/16/2017 at 8:11 AM, Lulu said:

bradley, I'm the opposite right now. I just want someone to ask me how I'm doing and really mean it. I want to talk about how lost and lonely I feel, how much I miss my soulmate, how sad and angry I feel that she suffered and is no longer here when she wanted to live a long life. But no one asks. I don't have friends and I was closer to her than most of my own family. I can talk with my mom sometimes, but that is only if I bring it up but I can't say how deep the pain is, all I can say is I miss her and why did God let this happen. She tries to comfort me but I know I can't push it and risk hurting her. I am not close to Lily's family so I don't speak with them.

I dont think that is opposite.  I want to talk about the same things.  I think we are on the same page here.  Its just friends and family dont want or cant continually hear about Nicole.  This is why I call her younger sister to talk as she also is lonely without Nicole.  Friends cannot begin to fathom what the loss is like, so even if you dont have very many I can go ahead and tell you aren't missing an outlet of expression when it comes to commucating these things to friends.  They dont want to hear it or cant understand it.   I also want to say over and over how much I miss her and how sad and angry I am that she suffered and is no longer here when she wanted to live a long life.  I also want to explain how my entire future just suddenly shifted from one of love and hope and fun times to one of utter solitary devastation and sadness.  But, unfortuneatley, no one is going to ask these things.  

My therapist says I am better but I just got off the phone with my mom and I cannot bring myself to say "I am better".  This would be a lie.  This hole feels unfillable to me from my current vantage point.  She is on my mind all the time.  Every time I even walk in the door I miss seeing her shoes there.  Every time I walk in the kitchen I miss see her cooking.  Every restaurant I go to I look to see if the menu would be to her liking and if we can eat there. Everytime I sleep I dream she is helping me with the business or something else in life.  Every time.....etc., etc. etc.  This is the saddest and most depressive time of my entire life.  The books say losing your spouse or child is "ONE" of life's worse events.  One?  Why does the iterature continually minimize this?  This is by far the biggest loss I have ever encountered X10 or X100.  Its definitely not "one of".  It IS the worst thing that has ever happend to me.

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Yesterday and today marked 12 years since I lost George...I get a double whammy because he died on Father's Day, June 19, 2005.  I was at our church yesterday and not one person remembered or brought him up to me.  My phone was silent all day.  This is mine alone to deal with, everyone else moved on long ago.  This is as you were talking about here, that others can't begin to understand and of course don't dwell in it like I have no choice but to live with it.

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50 minutes ago, KayC said:

Yesterday and today marked 12 years since I lost George...I get a double whammy because he died on Father's Day, June 19, 2005.  I was at our church yesterday and not one person remembered or brought him up to me.  My phone was silent all day.  This is mine alone to deal with, everyone else moved on long ago.  This is as you were talking about here, that others can't begin to understand and of course don't dwell in it like I have no choice but to live with it.

I'm so sorry. It's tough when you are still suffering from sadness, even if it's not every day. and others don't even notice. No one brought it up to me one month out, so I can imagine that after 12 years they all think surely she's 'over it!' They couldn't be more mistaken. It stays with you every single day! I'm sorry you had to go through yesterday alone.

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KayC, You have been in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you found your own way in honoring your George yesterday. I said out loud to my Ed yesterday, Happy Father's Day. I used to grill out for that holiday. I'm sorry that no one else remembered George for you at church or by phone. It must surely be painful for you that no one mentions George. It is in our own hearts that we keep them with us.  (HUGS)

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10 hours ago, KayC said:

Yesterday and today marked 12 years since I lost George...I get a double whammy because he died on Father's Day, June 19, 2005.  I was at our church yesterday and not one person remembered or brought him up to me.  My phone was silent all day.  This is mine alone to deal with, everyone else moved on long ago.  This is as you were talking about here, that others can't begin to understand and of course don't dwell in it like I have no choice but to live with it.

This is an issue that's been hard for me. I've stated it before, but to everyone else (not immediate family), my wife's passing is old news. Move along, nothing to see here. But for me, I remember each minute of her last day like it was yesterday, the emotion, the anguish and disbelief, it's all right there, right below the surface. It's depressing to think that to most everyone else, my wife's life meant little more than an passing friendship, a topic of brief conversation, now largely forgotten. Just another thing to be sad about. 

Andy    

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And KayC,

A belated happy Father's Day to all of those still with us and to those who've crossed over. To each and every dad who has/had the honor and privilege of teaching, raising, caring for a child or children, the best they absolutely could, here's to all of you. God keep and bless you all. 

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Ditto back to you Andy. Yesterday was a sad day. Not a word to me of remembrance from my husband's 2 adult children. I didn't expect to hear from them. Probably better for my heart and sanity if I don't have expectations. They most likely handled their emotions of the day on their own, just like I do. Every holiday, birthday, anniversary and any other special days are just plain going to be hard from here on out. That we can expect.   (HUGS)

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10 minutes ago, KMB said:

Ditto back to you Andy. Yesterday was a sad day. Not a word to me of remembrance from my husband's 2 adult children. I didn't expect to hear from them. Probably better for my heart and sanity if I don't have expectations. They most likely handled their emotions of the day on their own, just like I do. Every holiday, birthday, anniversary and any other special days are just plain going to be hard from here on out. That we can expect.   (HUGS)

Hugs back at you KMB,

I've had little contact with my wife's family since her passing, not that they had much while she was alive.   Not that it matters, I expected nothing from them and got exactly that. I had a few friends wish me well, my daughters of course, so I guess I had it "better" than some. 

I'm sorry, KMB, that they didn't reach out to you, I know it's difficult. I myself was okay being left on my own essentially, other than my brief interactions, I wandered the backroads. I know it doesn't mean the same, but know that during these occasions, Mothers and Father's Day, Valentines, the 4th, whatever, I'm thinking of all of my friends here. I'm not always sure of what to say, or if it's appropriate for me to say anything, but I think of each and every one of my friends. It's a lonely kind of existence now, but we have each other's back, sort of speak, so we don't have to be completely alone. 

Love and peace,

Andy

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I hear you Andy, and thank you for being you. What isn't being provided for us from our immediate environment, we all know we can come on here for each other.

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11 hours ago, Andy said:

This is an issue that's been hard for me. I've stated it before, but to everyone else (not immediate family), my wife's passing is old news. Move along, nothing to see here. But for me, I remember each minute of her last day like it was yesterday, the emotion, the anguish and disbelief, it's all right there, right below the surface. It's depressing to think that to most everyone else, my wife's life meant little more than an passing friendship, a topic of brief conversation, now largely forgotten. Just another thing to be sad about. 

Andy    

This is how I feel as well. My Lily was my world, she was everything to me and now she's gone. Everyone else has moved on and I feel like they have forgotten. I talk to a lady from church who lost her husband 5 months ago but of course it's not the same because to the world I only lost my best friend. I can't truly express my deep sorrow and pain but she understands that I lost someone close to me. I guess that's something. I too often think back to my Lily's final days and it hurts so deeply. I try so hard to stay positive and strong but it's tough. I have to find a way to keep going.

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19 hours ago, KMB said:

I said out loud to my Ed yesterday, Happy Father's Day.

This made me smile...I did that too. :)

I am so sorry for all of you that did not hear from adult children, spouse's families, etc.  I haven't heard from my husband's family since he died other than 3 attending his funeral and his dad calling to badmouth him a year later.  (?!)  No contact.  I do see his adult children on FB a little, that's about it.  Weird!

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

This made me smile...I did that too. :)

I am so sorry for all of you that did not hear from adult children, spouse's families, etc.  I haven't heard from my husband's family since he died other than 3 attending his funeral and his dad calling to badmouth him a year later.  (?!)  No contact.  I do see his adult children on FB a little, that's about it.  Weird!

Sad how one quickly families and/or relationships unravel. It's sometimes as if there wasn't anything there to begin with. 

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On 16.6.2017 at 10:52 AM, bradley1985 said:

You hit the nail on the head when you say Nicole brought love, meaning, and purpose to life.  It was here one minute and gone the next.  My counselor says that my wife gave me this gift and now I can share it with family and friends.  But I dont get it.  I shared it with Nicole and I cant all of the sudden take this love and share it with others....I really dont even feel like talking to "others", much less sharing Nicole's love.  

Sounds very familiar :( My wife showed me what my life was missing and what I didn't want to know about myself all those years. And now I wonder why she was here. Was it just to tease me, to show me what love really means and how great our life could have been? Was it a lesson learned so I can try again? I don't want that. I pictured us in our old age still in love and caring for each other until it's time to leave together. I don't want to have that with anyone else, let alone looking for anybody else. I had a taste of what I never had before and now I'm back to square one. The only difference is that I'm well aware of my situation now and that sucks.

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I know, Marcel, we pictured ourselves growing old together too, we never imagined we wouldn't!  No I don't think it was a teaser, none of us get guarantees with our life, that's why it's so important to live it to the fullest while we can.

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On 6/20/2017 at 11:19 AM, Marcel said:

Sounds very familiar :( My wife showed me what my life was missing and what I didn't want to know about myself all those years. And now I wonder why she was here. Was it just to tease me, to show me what love really means and how great our life could have been? Was it a lesson learned so I can try again? I don't want that. I pictured us in our old age still in love and caring for each other until it's time to leave together. I don't want to have that with anyone else, let alone looking for anybody else. I had a taste of what I never had before and now I'm back to square one. The only difference is that I'm well aware of my situation now and that sucks.

Seems like to tease me is how I feel.  I feel I just got a prank from the universe.  I am not interested in trying again either.  I knew when we got together that was my last chance at a decent life.  We talked about it all the time.  Your last sentence is the lynchpin. You hit the nail on the head.  Now I am FULLY aware of my situation and before my wife I was not.   If it had been a poor marriage or I had been thinking about divorce or it had been like any one of my previous 7 relationships I would not know what I missing and I may feel like staying alive. As it is now I am the walking dead.  Everytime I try to imagine my life one or two years out from today it just makes me sick.  So I try to just think about getting through today.

I have joined a 12 step group for relationships in addition to all the grief work I have done and am hoping that helps.  Maybe if I could learn to live alone with myself there might be some hope.  But as far as finding another Nicole this isnt going to happen in this universe, much less earth.   For now, all I can do is get up, do my chores, walk for an hour,  work, try to improve my business, eat, go to my language school for two hours, have some conversations about self help, go to bed.  At least my wife is in my dreams every single night.  Movies, TV, and music dont help.  

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