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Lost my 33 year old wife - six months out


bradley1985

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Bradley, This is some philosophical thinking---bear with me, it is another rainy afternoon here, LOL. I feel we were blessed with our soulmates to learn unconditional love.To live life to its fullest capacity with our soulmate, as we surely did, as much as possible. In order to love unconditionally, we have to learn patience, acceptance, tolerance. Probably more things to that list, if anyone wants to add on. Our soulmates were not given a choice in leaving their life and us.. They learned their lessons, experienced whatever God's plan was for them. They also were here to teach us some of the lessons we need to learn for our souls growth. We gained unconditional love from them. And yes, we are in pain, miserable without them. But, I still believe that we are here to teach others how this world should be. We are here to show, by example,what we have learned. When I watch or listen to the news and all the terrible things going on, it is beyond sad. As humans, with souls, we are all connected. From our losses, we should be teaching others what we have learned the hard, painful way. To love one another unconditionally.We are here to fulfill God's plan on how he would like to see this world of humanity treat each other for the good of all. 

On 6/20/2017 at 11:19 AM, Marcel said:

my wife gave me this gift and now I can share it with family and friends.

I should have taken your quote from your own posting, but only scrolled up to where I saw it on Marcel's reply---sorry. I feel that Nicole's gift of love to you is meant to be passed on to family, friends and strangers. Nicole didn't use her gifts selfishly. She gave not only to you, but to many others. She would not want you to keep her legacy of love to yourself, she would want you to share it, as she did. Love is a gift that keeps on giving and is the meaning of life.   (HUGS)

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KMB your words have brought me some comfort tonight. I lost my husband less than a month ago and am feeling lost,broken,scared. What you said above is so true and hope someday soon my pain will lessen and I can truly feel that way inside. Thankyou

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Dian, No need for thanks. We are all here to support, uplift and encourage. It brings me a smile if my words can be of comfort to someone here. It is beyond sadness that we all have to experience the heart break, pain, despair, loneliness of loss.   (HUGS)

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bradley1985
On 6/22/2017 at 2:35 PM, KMB said:

I feel we were blessed with our soulmates to learn unconditional love.To live life to its fullest capacity with our soulmate, as we surely did, as much as possible. In order to love unconditionally, we have to learn patience, acceptance, tolerance. Probably more things to that list, if anyone wants to add on. Our soulmates were not given a choice in leaving their life and us.. They learned their lessons, experienced whatever God's plan was for them. They also were here to teach us some of the lessons we need to learn for our souls growth. We gained unconditional love from them. And yes, we are in pain, miserable without them. But, I still believe that we are here to teach others how this world should be. We are here to show, by example,what we have learned.

Dear KMB, I cant argue with your philosophy.  I am sure it is correct and agree in theory.  But why me and why us I still have to ask?  Why not some people that like to teach and like this kind of stuff?  I feel like god has jerked me around over and over since the time I was born.  My entire life has been nothing but being jerked around.  I have never been and am not in any condition to promote his plan.  I was/am just doing good to try to stay sober and support my family (which he so wisely removed from me last year....all four creatures that depended on me).  Frankly I hate gods plan and I think I hate him.  I feel like the cow that has been coralled to the slaughter pen against his will.  

As far as being interconnected I agree.  But I didnt sign up to be some kind of meditating, spiritual monk.  All I ever wanted was a normal family with a normal life style (or somewhat normal) and no matter what I do, where I go, the great god says "no" you cant have what 90% of everyone else has.  Not today, not ever.  And if you attain anything close to normal he will kill all three of my animals and my wife in the same year.  To me god is a brutal task master that will go to any length to force you into his plan.  That's his nature.  Obey or be crucified (i am not talking about obey law here....obey gods plan) is his motto.  He lets everyone else off the hook and selects certain people to make suffer.  I know I am not the only one but I am part of a small group that he heaps his suffering onto.  My wife was everything.  There are so many rotten marriages, people cheating on each other, etc.  Why not kill one of their wives?  Why not take a person in my family that didnt mean so much?  This is how he operates.  He always takes the good ones and leaves me to deal with the difficult ones.   Just absolute garbage IMO.  He left all the other cats in my neighborhood who had zero vaccinations and killed both mine who were vacinated. This is his nature.  Then I hear people who want a sign from heaven that there loved one is in gods arms??  Really?  What kind of jerk god would give you no warning (revelation) that your loved one is deathly ill but then reveal to you they are ok in heaven after they are dead?  No god I want to know would behave like this.

I am more than happy to give of myself and be kind to others and animals.  No problem.  But if god is listening I hope he understands I just want to go the next world asap as this place just makes me utterly sick.  I wish I were never born but if I am here for a lesson I want to learn it as quickly as possible so I can get out of here as I can tell you I sure dont want to repeat this life again either on earth or in heaven.  

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I asked why the first year or so, never got an answer.  Not sure there is one.  I shifted my question to "What do I do with this?"  I never found any rhyme or reason as to who dies and who doesn't, it sure isn't based on how good someone is or how needed and wanted they were here.  The Bible says it rains on the just and the unjust, in other words, stuff happens that's not based on how we live.  Life can be very unfair.  I don't look at God as being behind what happened, but more someone I can lean on being as it did.  They say our view of God is often based on our relationship with our earthly father, but I guess that's not true for me because mine sure wasn't there for me, he was busy getting drunk.  Honestly, I think God does understand and hears us...sometimes I wish He was more vocal about answering, but I guess we have to be still and listen, something most of us aren't good at.  But then that is true, too, for those looking for signs...often they're missed or attributed to something else because we aren't looking for them or perceiving them as such.

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I too was questioning things, especially why Pat and I were only given such a short time together. Someone very wise reminded me the other day of this...More will be revealed.   I believe there is/was a reason for this tragedy in my life though right now I have no idea what it is. Someday more will be revealed, when god is ready to show me, and I hope some of it will make some sense. 

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I don't think I'll know why until I'm on the other side and then the why won't even matter, we'll be together again!

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bradley1985, I wish there were words to ease your pain, all the pain, on this forum. I wish I had answers and could alleviate your resentment with God's plans.

On 6/27/2017 at 10:35 PM, bradley1985 said:

But why me and why us I still have to ask?

Good questions and we won't know the answers until we cross over. it isn't just us, Bradley. People die everyday. Grandparents, parents, siblings, children, spouses. I bet their loved ones question the whys also.There is a whole world of grieving people out there. Individually, we think we are the only one suffering loss. Yes, our pain is unique to us, but it is beyond comprehension when you think of the billions of people going through the pain that we are. I'm all for getting through this life and entering Heaven and eternal life as quickly as possible.

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bradley1985
On 6/29/2017 at 11:11 PM, KMB said:

Good questions and we won't know the answers until we cross over. it isn't just us, Bradley. People die everyday. Grandparents, parents, siblings, children, spouses. I bet their loved ones question the whys also.There is a whole world of grieving people out there. Individually, we think we are the only one suffering loss. Yes, our pain is unique to us, but it is beyond comprehension when you think of the billions of people going through the pain that we are. I'm all for getting through this life and entering Heaven and eternal life as quickly as possible.

Yes but there is a big difference when someone dies before their time.  All my grandparents died and it was there time.  I had three animals.  One died when she was old.  A few weeks grieving and I was fine.  The other two died at one year old.  I am still upset about it...a full year later.  They were robbed.  I didnt feel robbed when my grandparents and older dog died.  Nicole was 33 and I feel completely robbed.  Its a much different feeling.  I guess thats why the highest death rate for grievers is young women and young men.  Women aged 20-24 who lose there husband are seven times more likely to die in the first year after losing their spouse than their counterparts.  Amazing.  

As far as your last statement I am ALL for moving on asap.  There is really nothing here for me.  Nicole was the only person I felt emotionally complete with my entire life.  Waiting for someone else to come into my life and be emotionally complete with is like hoping for gold to fall out of the sky.  Probably not going to happen.  On the plus side food taste a bit better these days and my physical pain is down.  Anxiety is down.  And guilt has subsided as well.   But other than that it just looks like a hopeless, useless world to me.  Same old useless, fruitless world that was here before I met Nicole but now I know what I am missing so the world looks ten times and crappy.

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9 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

On the plus side food taste a bit better these days and my physical pain is down.  Anxiety is down.  And guilt has subsided as well. 

I have found it does help to look for something good and it sounds like you are doing that.   It doesn't offset what's wrong in our world but it helps our mindset.

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bradley1985

I have to write about this to try to relieve some anger.  Every time someone asks me how I am doing and I see this week was a bit better or I am able to get more sleep they inevitably say "glad you are feeling better".  this is quite a pet peeve of mine and why I have almost quit talking to family and friends.  There is a big difference between doing better and feeling better.  I dont feel better.  I am doing better.  If I felt better I would see hope and feel like living.  By "doing better" I can get up and do activities with the hope that one day I may have some hope.  Everyone that has not lost a spouse (or child) associates feeling and happiness with "doing better".  This is simply not the case.  

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15 minutes ago, bradley1985 said:

Every time someone asks me how I am doing

There is quite a difference in "doing or feeling better". Action versus emotions. When people ask me how I'm doing, I answer, "as well as can be expected when you have lost the love of your life and life itself as you knew it". Actually, I have found that people don't have a response to that.

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Oh Bradley, I hear what you are saying, and as KMB put it, there IS quite a difference between doing and feeling better.  I don't think there IS a "feeling better", it's more of a getting used to our changed lives, and oh my God that takes time, it's a huge long process!  I wish sometimes people would keep their mouths shut and just "be there".  Do something tangible if they must, bring a casserole, mow a lawn, but please don't say something stupid to us!

I like KMB's retort.

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7 hours ago, KayC said:

Oh Bradley, I hear what you are saying, and as KMB put it, there IS quite a difference between doing and feeling better.  I don't think there IS a "feeling better", it's more of a getting used to our changed lives, and oh my God that takes time, it's a huge long process!  I wish sometimes people would keep their mouths shut and just "be there".  Do something tangible if they must, bring a casserole, mow a lawn, but please don't say something stupid to us!

I like KMB's retort.

Yes, I hate it when people ask me how I'm doing when they really mean how do I feel. I say fine but that's not true. I feel horrible, I'm lost and incomplete and I feel like nothing will ever be the same or bring me joy like it once did. Today is week 16 and I 'feel' just as bad as I did week 1. I may be 'doing' better in that I can get through a day's work without trying to hide or avoid people because I am about to burst out in tears or that I can talk with someone about the weather, but in no way am I 'feeling' better. I resent them when they ask even though I know they don't mean any harm but I just want to say, how do you think I feel? life has no meaning some days! But I know they don't want to hear this, nor do I want to punish them for being ignorant. They don't know what they don't know.

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16 hours ago, Lulu said:

I hate it when people ask me how I'm doing when they really mean how do I feel. I say fine but that's

Then don't say "fine".  TELL them how you really feel.  We don't have to be belligerent and say "How the hell do you THINK I feel!"  but neither do we have to lie & pretend with them, "Fine."  Somewhere in between.  Maybe "It's a very hard adjustment, I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances."  "Fine" should be reserved for at work where we have to put on a nice face to keep our jobs.

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44 minutes ago, KayC said:

Then don't say "fine".  TELL them how you really feel.  We don't have to be belligerent and say "How the hell do you THINK I feel!"  but neither do we have to lie & pretend with them, "Fine."  Somewhere in between.  Maybe "It's a very hard adjustment, I'm doing the best I can under the circumstances."  "Fine" should be reserved for at work where we have to put on a nice face to keep our jobs.

But that's part of the problem. People don't really want to know and I am not going to open myself up to a brick wall. When I have tried to express my feelings, I can read their facial response and they don't want to know. They ask to be nice, that's it. Not to mention, it only opens the door for empty platitudes. I am over them and if saying fine just gets it over with and everyone moves on from the conversation that they really don't want details anyway, then so be it. My thing is why bother asking when you really don't want to know or when the only answer you want is not what I can give.

It's easier for someone who lost a spouse that the outside world recognized as your spouse to share how they are doing or feeling. It's hard for me to say much or how much I hurt when people think I only lost my friend. I can see the looks on their faces and I don't need to hear 'oh, you'll make more friends.' And no, I can't tell anyone, nor do I wish to. Believe me, it's a lot easier said than done and I do not want to go down that road. So, I just try to keep to myself as much as possible.

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I'm so sorry, Lulu, in that your grieving is made doubly agonizing, isolating, because no one knew the true nature of your relationship with Lily. You have us here and you are in our prayers.  (HUGS)

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bradley1985
13 hours ago, Lulu said:

But that's part of the problem. People don't really want to know and I am not going to open myself up to a brick wall. When I have tried to express my feelings, I can read their facial response and they don't want to know. They ask to be nice, that's it. Not to mention, it only opens the door for empty platitudes. I am over them and if saying fine just gets it over with and everyone moves on from the conversation that they really don't want details anyway, then so be it. My thing is why bother asking when you really don't want to know or when the only answer you want is not what I can give.

It's easier for someone who lost a spouse that the outside world recognized as your spouse to share how they are doing or feeling. It's hard for me to say much or how much I hurt when people think I only lost my friend. I can see the looks on their faces and I don't need to hear 'oh, you'll make more friends.' And no, I can't tell anyone, nor do I wish to. Believe me, it's a lot easier said than done and I do not want to go down that road. So, I just try to keep to myself as much as possible.

I have this issue.  My friends say I am likeable and will make new friends.  My Mom's only advice to me was to make a good friend.  This doesnt bring my wife back.  Friends are in no way, shape, or form a replacement for what I have lost.  Not even in the same universe, much less ballpark.  I had a life worth living and I could make 10,000 friends and I will still be willing to starve myself to bring back my wife.  My parents have thought this has been my solution to a "happy" life since I was 5 years old and it so irritating to hear.  Friends dont want to hear how I feel.  Its all fake I now know.  Like Lulu said its easier to say fine or not talk about it.  I know it sounds sick but there is a part of me that wants everyone to lose their spouse or child so finally we can ALL be in this together and the whole world can have this experience. 

My marriage was not perfect but we were always together and loved one another and rarely had anything to argue about and we had a lot of laughs when I wasnt stressed about business.  Even when I was stressed we still didnt argue or fight, it wasnt her fault and I didnt take it out on her.  I was just less "available" during those times.  And when I wasnt stressed we laughed and joked.  She was super sweet and wonderful.   I have never had anything close to that my whole life thru countless girlfriends and another marriage.  So the "you will find someone" comment also drives me up the wall.  Sure,  I may find someone one day.  But I can tell you without a doubt it WON'T be her.  And I listen to guys talk that are married and the numbers are staggering of how much I dont envy their marriage. A relationship riffled with arguements and lack of love? Etc. Etc.  Fighting over laundry?  Jeesh.  Why would I want what they have?  Sounds terrible.  Really?  There isnt much hope from my vantage point.  I have been marked.

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Bradley, My heart goes out to you. You sound so broken, bitter, angry. I get it. I am also broken but I am not bitter or angry. I had anger for awhile, but it was directed towards my husband's doctors and my feelings of betrayal that we were lied to. I have gotten past that since they are only human and make mistakes in their prognosis, etc. No matter the doctorate degree, no one knows everything.

Our own inner dialogue and attitude is what is going to make the difference in how we work ourselves through the process of grieving. For myself, I have been finding out that it is easier to remember and cherish what I was blessed to have had with my husband instead of focusing on his loss. Yes, I am constantly sad and miss him deeply, but he didn't leave on purpose. We can choose to cherish what we had and carry on the legacy of love they left us with or we can choose to keep ourselves mired on the day they left.

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bradley1985
3 hours ago, KMB said:

I am also broken but I am not bitter or angry. I had anger for awhile, but it was directed towards my husband's doctors and my feelings of betrayal that we were lied to. I have gotten past that since they are only human and make mistakes in their prognosis, etc. No matter the doctorate degree, no one knows everything.

Yeah,  I was angry at the doctor for a while over the misdiagnosis as her life may have been able to be saved had the doctor not lied, but thats really not where my anger is directed.  I got over the misdiagnosis in a few months pretty much for the exact reasons you say.  In addition God put a veil over there eyes as well as mine.  Kept us all from seeing what was going on with her.  Thats kind of how I see it anyway.  He orchestrated this.  Perhaps I would see it differently if I hadnt just been talking to my wife all year about how god had suddenly stopped working in our lives.  We talked about this all the time and hoped that god would help us change our life direction.  I should have seen this coming as bad as everything else was going for no appearant reason.  I just had no idea he would go that far and take her too.

My anger is pretty much all I have now.  But I do think about all the good times.  I just woke up from a nap and thinking about things we did is how I got to sleep. I think about her all the time, mostly without tears now.  They say at a year you stop crying so much and remember the good times more.  I do see how this is possible.  But this is from people who want to keep experiencing life on there own.  I wish I was one of those but I am not.

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21 hours ago, Lulu said:

People don't really want to know

I get you.  They shouldn't ask then, but I do hear you, none of us want their stupid responses.:angry:

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AshleyDonahue
On 7/24/2017 at 10:41 PM, bradley1985 said:

 There is a big difference between doing better and feeling better.  I dont feel better.  I am doing better.  If I felt better I would see hope and feel like living.  By "doing better" I can get up and do activities with the hope that one day I may have some hope

Bradley, I'm so sorry - I know that it's not any consolation, but I understand and empathize with this sentiment all too well. It's infuriating, isolating...

In some cases, I suspect people mean well but just have no idea what to say to me. So they focus on my physical injuries and overcompensate by saying how amazing and miraculous my recovery has been. I've even had comments along the lines of "eventually no one will even notice those scars" and "you're so lucky they aren't on your face, that you weren't disfigured". Really? Because I'm pretty sure none of that matters to me anymore. I'm pretty sure I would take being disfigured, or in more physical pain, or ANY injury just to have David here with me. 

Yes, I'm "doing better" in the sense that I can walk, I can get dressed, try to present some semblance of normality. But I sure don't feel better. Not in the slightest. I honestly feel worse with every day that passes. So thank you for making this distinction. I'm just very sorry that you are able to, because you're right, unless someone has experienced a loss of this magnitude, they simply don't get it. 

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bradley1985
59 minutes ago, AshleyDonahue said:

In some cases, I suspect people mean well but just have no idea what to say to me. So they focus on my physical injuries and overcompensate by saying how amazing and miraculous my recovery has been. I've even had comments along the lines of "eventually no one will even notice those scars" and "you're so lucky they aren't on your face, that you weren't disfigured". Really? Because I'm pretty sure none of that matters to me anymore. I'm pretty sure I would take being disfigured, or in more physical pain, or ANY injury just to have David here with me. 

Ashley,  I am sorry you had to join us here and I think I understand where you are coming from.  I felt the same way you do for several months regarding my physical appearance as I have not wanted to finish life without my wife.  However, as time goes on I am finally able to be slightly grateful for my health and I now know why all the grief books say take care of yourself.  At least I feel this way today, who knows about tomorrow.  I too felt worse and worse each day as the first six months rolled by.  To be honest I felt much worse after six months than I did after two months.  I think the shock and surprise lengthens our pain.  Losing my spouse has basically been a tour of hell for me that everyone expects to be an ever upward sloping line of recovery.  Well,  its not.  Not by any measure.  Month six was probably the worst and yet thats when people "thought" i should be better.  This past month has been better, but certainly no joy or peace. 

And how could you feel lucky?  Lucky!!  Unbelievable, right?  From my view there doesnt appear to be any "luck" in your situation.  Your life as you thought it would be has been obliterated.  What would have been lucky for me in your situation would be to go together.  If I had died with my wife I think I would have been "lucky".  However, people dont want to hear this.  They cant imagine not wanting to live and even say things like as soon as your grief is over you can do this or do that.  I am glad they are so confident that my grief will be over because for me it seems to never end. 

Albeit, things are "better" today, but only after 8 months of hell, roughly 40 grief meetings, countless hours of therapy, and about 100 other self help/counseling sessions did I finally see any improvement at all.  Anxiety, anger, fear, hopelessness, despair, and guilt continue to pop up in an endless and ever changing cycle.  But they seem to be lessening this month.  But who knows about tomorrow or next week or next month. I think the therapy and grief groups are 100% required for any kind of meaningful survival.  Every day we jsut have to suit up, show up, and do our best to punch through this.  Keep going and keep hoping that things will turn around.  There really isnt another meaningful choice.

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AshleyDonahue
4 minutes ago, bradley1985 said:

What would have been lucky for me in your situation would be to go together.  If I had died with my wife I think I would have been "lucky".  However, people dont want to hear this.  

You hit it spot on. To have survived when he didn't just feels like a punishment. I still wish that we both died together, but stopped expressing this because people just can't understand it. And I realize that it must be painful for my family to hear me say such a thing. The feeling hasn't gone away, but I just keep it to myself, or my therapist (or I suppose now here). Thank you for understanding, it honestly means a lot. 

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12 hours ago, AshleyDonahue said:

In some cases, I suspect people mean well but just have no idea what to say to me. So they focus on my physical injuries and overcompensate by saying how amazing and miraculous my recovery has been. I've even had comments along the lines of "eventually no one will even notice those scars" and "you're so lucky they aren't on your face, that you weren't disfigured". Really? Because I'm pretty sure none of that matters to me anymore. I'm pretty sure I would take being disfigured, or in more physical pain, or ANY injury just to have David here with me. 

If only they could see the scars on your soul and on your heart. If only they could see our feelings instead of the outward physical appearance they would be in for a big surprise. What gets me are the people who say. "Oh Sean you're only 45. You'll find love again". Who says I want to find love again. I found it in Lori. When I married Lori and said forever, I meant my forever as well.

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4 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

"Oh Sean you're only 45. You'll find love again".

I hate those comments. I will be turning 58 a few weeks after my one year mark, which is getting so much closer and I am dreading that day. I hear, "You look so young yet and you should be out dating and having fun". They still have their spouse. What the heck do they know what it is like? When their heart gets ripped out and their life gets dumped upside down, then they will see how they don't appreciate those insensitive comments. I don't hold anything against the people who make these comments. But, how I wish they would place themselves in my shoes first, do some thinking before saying anything. Better yet, don't say anything at all. Just give me a hug instead.

4 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

When I married Lori and said forever, I meant my forever as well.

I meant it also.

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

I hate those comments. I will be turning 58 a few weeks after my one year mark, which is getting so much closer and I am dreading that day. I hear, "You look so young yet and you should be out dating and having fun". They still have their spouse. What the heck do they know what it is like? When their heart gets ripped out and their life gets dumped upside down, then they will see how they don't appreciate those insensitive comments. I don't hold anything against the people who make these comments. But, how I wish they would place themselves in my shoes first, do some thinking before saying anything. Better yet, don't say anything at all. Just give me a hug instead.

"Easier said than done" is my new mantra. It is so very easy for people to dole out advice from a position of sympathy. When that word changes to empathy and they lose their spouse it will be like when the The Wizard Of Oz changes from black and white to color. In one second we went from amateurs to world-class grievers. It's a talent that none of us wanted nor asked for. Yet here we are. Experts in the worst field of study known to mankind and we got tenure. 

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58 minutes ago, Eagle-96 said:

Experts in worst field of study known to mankind and we got tenure. 

Kind of like how this forum is formatted. When I first joined, I was a "newbie".  I noticed some time ago that I am now an "advanced member". As far as I'm concerned, I am still a "newbie", dealing with different emotions, feelings, something different , every day. What is so "advanced" about the that?  Length of time has no relevance of status.

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Sean,

I find it really inappropriate of people to suggest we'll find love again, UNLESS we're showing the desire to first!  It's up to US to decide what is best for us, and at any rate, people make these stupid comments when they aren't even dead in the ground yet!  I just find it very tasteless and insensitive.  I mean, one week we're happily married, looking forward to our future together, and the next we're alone and struggling to get through this.  Do they really think we just "get over them" just like that?!

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12 minutes ago, KayC said:

Sean,

I find it really inappropriate of people to suggest we'll find love again, UNLESS we're showing the desire to first!  It's up to US to decide what is best for us, and at any rate, people make these stupid comments when they aren't even dead in the ground yet!  I just find it very tasteless and insensitive.  I mean, one week we're happily married, looking forward to our future together, and the next we're alone and struggling to get through this.  Do they really think we just "get over them" just like that?!

It is truly baffling to me when people just know that I'll find someone again. Like you said, we have to want it first. And quite frankly, I have no desire to "find" someone again. I've said it before but it bears repeating. When I married Lori I made a vow to her that I meant forever. I didn't just mean her forever. I meant mine also and I intend to honor it. If I have to be romantically alone for the remaining time I have here on Earth then so be it. The next time I kiss someone romantically will be when Lori and I re-unite in Paradise. Like Betty White said after her husband passed, "Once you've had the best, there's no need for the rest".

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3 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

"Once you've had the best, there's no need for the rest".

I love that!

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5 hours ago, Eagle-96 said:

 "Once you've had the best, there's no need for the rest".

Ditto that also. When my husband and I kissed, I would get light headed, the butterfly flutters inside. It was like through all our years together. Like you, Eagle, I will wait until my reunion.

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bradley1985
On 7/31/2017 at 8:06 AM, Eagle-96 said:

If only they could see the scars on your soul and on your heart. If only they could see our feelings instead of the outward physical appearance they would be in for a big surprise. What gets me are the people who say. "Oh Sean you're only 45. You'll find love again". Who says I want to find love again. I found it in Lori. When I married Lori and said forever, I meant my forever as well.

I missed some good stuff on here yesterday because I was feeling too hopeless to do anything, even post here (I drew the severly hopeless card yesterday I suppose).  This morning I feel better emotionally but my body feels like its been hit by a train but I couldnt sleep any longer.

I get these kinds of comments a lot. I have tried to imagine myself with someone else and it doesnt work for me.  I cant even imagine holding someone else's or hugging them much less any of the other stuff.  I feel I have been welcomed to the "tour de misery on earth".  If she had divorced me or left me that would be one thing.  But I knew she was never going to leave me.  She loved me and talked about growing old with me quite a lot.  On her own, she completely quit drinking many years ago to enhance our life together. 

My whole life I have been unhappy with my girlfriends and previous wife.  In all my previous relationships I would always be "looking" and/or "thinking" about other women.  After an entire life of unhappiness in the love department I finally found the "One" that I could literally be with nearly 24 hours a day and after meeting her I never looked or thought about another woman again.  This was it.  This was my final stand and I commited to her for eternity.  I knew when I said my vows it was forever as I was older at this time and was sure of what I was doing.  Sure, I had moments when I was upset or we were disagreeing over something I would think strange thoughts.  But I was always committed, 100% of the time.   

Now my desire to live has been severely compromised.  I want my wife but cant have her.  I dont have a lot of options except to keep trucking alone which is also miserable. Sadly I think I am getting used to being alone and depressed.  After eight months (next week) It seems it is becoming a way of life.   This is who I am now.  I am not sure its even about desire for another relationship.  Even if I desired another relationship I dont think I am mentally or physically capable because it seems it would be like asking a horse with four broken legs to run a horse race.  Me, being the horse.  And how could I subject another person to me (at this time)?  I will never say never but I dont see how. 

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I am 39.  So far the individuals that have told me that I'm young and will find someone else are all men.

I know they mean well but I don't think it's the right thing to say.  It's insensitive.

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Being true to Lori is one of the few acts of love to her that I can still actually perform. I can love her in my heart all I want but there are not many ways to really show it now that she is gone. As I have said before, I prayed throughout our marriage from time to time that if one of us had to go first I prayed it would be Lori. Only because I never wanted her to go through the pain and suffering of losing a spouse. I wanted to take the pain for her. Welp, I got it in spades. BUT, I consider taking this overwhelming pain as an act of love that I can still give to her. The other thing I can do for her is to be true to my lifetime commitment to her. I would do anything for Lori. Including this. 

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11 hours ago, Azipod said:

I am 39.  So far the individuals that have told me that I'm young and will find someone else are all men.

I know they mean well but I don't think it's the right thing to say.  It's insensitive.

Yes it is insensitive.  They don't know better and think they're bringing reassurance.  It's amazing to me how ignorant our society is about loss and grief.

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I've been told that "maybe lightning will strike twice" and I "have more love in my heart." I don't want lightning to strike again. I want my wife back. If I were to ever try to date again I would just be looking for a facsimile of her which doesn't exist. So what's the point?

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I have not posted in some time as I have been trying to move forward my business and studies, but nothing stops the hurt.  I dont really expect anyone to read this post but today is 9 months since my wife Nicole died and I need to say her name over and over.  It is a very emotional day but which ones arent. 

I want to let her and the world know I think about her all the time.  My soul has been torn in two and I dont think I was left with the better half.  I miss her watching me dance, laugh, play with things in the yard, and joke.  I miss watching tv with her.  I miss singing with her.  I miss her telling me how much she loves me.  I miss her telling me I am the best thing that ever happend to her.  I miss her showing me her finger nails and toes after painting.  I miss her telling me so many stories for hours upon hours sometimes.  I miss her advice.  I miss her telling me everything will be ok.  

Well, its not.  At 9 months I can do more things.  I can focus better and I can even socialize a bit.  But in the back and many times in the front of my mind I wonder what she is doing.  I wonder where she is.  I wonder if she likes heaven or the afterlife.  I wonder if she gets to sleep and dream.  I worry about her.  I worry she isnt happy.  Making her happy and seeing her smile and appreciate all the things I tried to do for her (wish I had done more) was the thing that kept me alive. 

I want to tell her I am trying to live without her but its just about next to impossible.  But somehow I go to sleep every night and wake every morning and do my chores and go to school (language school) and keep pushing forward to an unknown ends.  there's nothing but a non-visible future in front of me now, a black tunnel of sorts.  A future without my family.  It's scary.  I am scared.  I wish she would just come home.  I wish she would just communicate with me and let me know she is ok at the least.  Just call home every now and then and just let me know.  but she cant or I know she would.  I love you Nicole Miller.  Star crossed in this life but star aligned in the next.

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1 hour ago, bradley1985 said:

I have not posted in some time as I have been trying to move forward my business and studies, but nothing stops the hurt.  I dont really expect anyone to read this post but today is 9 months since my wife Nicole died and I need to say her name over and over.  It is a very emotional day but which ones arent. 

I want to let her and the world know I think about her all the time.  My soul has been torn in two and I dont think I was left with the better half.  I miss her watching me dance, laugh, play with things in the yard, and joke.  I miss watching tv with her.  I miss singing with her.  I miss her telling me how much she loves me.  I miss her telling me I am the best thing that ever happend to her.  I miss her showing me her finger nails and toes after painting.  I miss her telling me so many stories for hours upon hours sometimes.  I miss her advice.  I miss her telling me everything will be ok.  

Well, its not.  At 9 months I can do more things.  I can focus better and I can even socialize a bit.  But in the back and many times in the front of my mind I wonder what she is doing.  I wonder where she is.  I wonder if she likes heaven or the afterlife.  I wonder if she gets to sleep and dream.  I worry about her.  I worry she isnt happy.  Making her happy and seeing her smile and appreciate all the things I tried to do for her (wish I had done more) was the thing that kept me alive. 

I want to tell her I am trying to live without her but its just about next to impossible.  But somehow I go to sleep every night and wake every morning and do my chores and go to school (language school) and keep pushing forward to an unknown ends.  there's nothing but a non-visible future in front of me now, a black tunnel of sorts.  A future without my family.  It's scary.  I am scared.  I wish she would just come home.  I wish she would just communicate with me and let me know she is ok at the least.  Just call home every now and then and just let me know.  but she cant or I know she would.  I love you Nicole Miller.  Star crossed in this life but star aligned in the next.

We all are living with this pain, living is the cruelest thingh we are doing. I dont believe sometime that this is the same world i love earlier but now i hate this world, this life. Sometime i want 3 rd world war start and whole world shut down , all problem solved.

Two months mark for me today, hate this date, i am contineously thinking about that day today and hurting myself but i cant focus anywhere else now.

 

 

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5 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

Well, its not.  At 9 months I can do more things.  I can focus better and I can even socialize a bit.  But in the back and many times in the front of my mind I wonder what she is doing. 

Yes we adjust little by little to this new life, we begin to process this grief, this loss, we are able to compartmentalize sometimes, we can finally work and do things we need to do, we can even meet with a friend and smile...but always, always, they are on our mind, day and night, grief lurking just under the surface, accompanying us wherever we go, like a shadow lurking closely.  This is the difference between what was and what is now.  Instead of the person we love and enjoy, we have this grief as our companion.

I'm sorry it is so for you.

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11 hours ago, bradley1985 said:

I have not posted in some time as I have been trying to move forward my business and studies, but nothing stops the hurt.  I dont really expect anyone to read this post but today is 9 months since my wife Nicole died and I need to say her name over and over.  It is a very emotional day but which ones arent. 

I want to let her and the world know I think about her all the time.  My soul has been torn in two and I dont think I was left with the better half.  I miss her watching me dance, laugh, play with things in the yard, and joke.  I miss watching tv with her.  I miss singing with her.  I miss her telling me how much she loves me.  I miss her telling me I am the best thing that ever happend to her.  I miss her showing me her finger nails and toes after painting.  I miss her telling me so many stories for hours upon hours sometimes.  I miss her advice.  I miss her telling me everything will be ok.  

Well, its not.  At 9 months I can do more things.  I can focus better and I can even socialize a bit.  But in the back and many times in the front of my mind I wonder what she is doing.  I wonder where she is.  I wonder if she likes heaven or the afterlife.  I wonder if she gets to sleep and dream.  I worry about her.  I worry she isnt happy.  Making her happy and seeing her smile and appreciate all the things I tried to do for her (wish I had done more) was the thing that kept me alive. 

I want to tell her I am trying to live without her but its just about next to impossible.  But somehow I go to sleep every night and wake every morning and do my chores and go to school (language school) and keep pushing forward to an unknown ends.  there's nothing but a non-visible future in front of me now, a black tunnel of sorts.  A future without my family.  It's scary.  I am scared.  I wish she would just come home.  I wish she would just communicate with me and let me know she is ok at the least.  Just call home every now and then and just let me know.  but she cant or I know she would.  I love you Nicole Miller.  Star crossed in this life but star aligned in the next.

Bradley 1985, i also avnt posted in a while and am also at the 9 month mark same as you. I am so moved by your words i had to post, i feel it is all what im thinking but wouldnt be able to word them in such a lovely way, this gut wrenching grief is a thing that will never leave us, it is somthing we have no choice but to live with, take care of yourselve in best way you know how and everyone on this site also do the same, take care always . 

 

 

 

 

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I wish people would understand that our soulmates are ALWAYS on our minds.They were our whole life then and they continue to be now. Five long months. It seems like time is flying by and at a standstill all at once since Lori has been gone. We'll get the first cool front of the season this week. Can't really call it a cold front but we'll take what we can get I suppose. With the cooler weather this is the time of year when Lori would put out the fall decorations. She really went all out to make our home festive. Anytime we went shopping she would always look for more decorations. I think we single handily kept the ceramic pumpkin industry afloat. I can remember one year asking her why we always decorated so much and she told me that she knew I loved the season from September to December so much that she just wanted to make me happy. That's just the way she was. She always wanted to make everyone happy. Always wanted everyone to feel welcome here. She would have lived in a pumpkin if it made me smile. I thought about not decorating this year. Not bothering with it. The memories are just too hard. But then it wouldn't feel like our home if I didn't. The home she worked so hard to make special for me and everyone who entered. So I'll pull out the containers. Dust off the gourds and put a little piece of her memory on the mantle and the counters. Some tears will fall and some smiles might even cross my face. It won't be the same mind you but it will feel a little bit more like Lori.

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Sean,

I did the decorating, but George was the big incentive, he enjoyed every season, every holiday, to the hilt!  He took such pleasure in everything, it doesn't seem the same without his appreciate festive glint in his eye!  But I continue to do it in his honor, his memory.  I hope he can see it. Especially the Christmas decorations.  I don't do it for me, I do it for him, as if he's right here beside me sharing in it with me.

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20 minutes ago, KayC said:

Sean,

I did the decorating, but George was the big incentive, he enjoyed every season, every holiday, to the hilt!  He took such pleasure in everything, it doesn't seem the same without his appreciate festive glint in his eye!  But I continue to do it in his honor, his memory.  I hope he can see it. Especially the Christmas decorations.  I don't do it for me, I do it for him, as if he's right here beside me sharing in it with me.

I cried like a baby while putting out the door wreath, pumpkins, candles, etc... I went back to when we bought them. The fun trips to the store to get them. A few smiles were had as well. I'm glad I did it because it makes it feel a little more like she is there with me. 

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I don't know how this afterlife thing works, but I like to think they can see us...I had two NDEs and was able to look down on them working on my body, see those present, etc.  Maybe likewise they are able to see us sometimes...

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

I don't know how this afterlife thing works, but I like to think they can see us...I had two NDEs and was able to look down on them working on my body, see those present, etc.  Maybe likewise they are able to see us sometimes...

I just want her to know that I'm doing the best I can given the situation. That I have not given up even though I have wanted to many times. 

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On 9/5/2017 at 6:58 PM, Eagle-96 said:

I wish people would understand that our soulmates are ALWAYS on our minds.They were our whole life then and they continue to be now. Five long months. It seems like time is flying by and at a standstill all at once since Lori has been gone.

Me too.  She is ALWAYS on my mind.  I am trying to live but the whole wolrd seems so strange now.  The days just tick off one by one.  Every time I do something new without her I can give myself a quick pat on that back for pushing out into the world by myself, only to finish and not be able to tell her what I did or am going to do.  Every thing I do seems to take my mind off of her for a few minutes, but I always come back to this place of very deep sorrow.  There is nothing to get excited about anymore.  Nothing to look forward too really.  I can socialize now.  I have made a new friend or two.  My work is going well.  It seems circumstances are all improving but I am not.  I can see hope in some areas of my life but I continually see myself alone or with people unlike Nicole when I look to the future.  A detached, very lonely person, never having a magical person in my life again.  I feel like when she was with me I was living in fairy tale and now the book has ended (tragically).  When I look at the sunshine beaming into my house through the windows it looks strange now.  Everyone I meet that is single enjoys life,  they just seem to be living.  I think how can they be so happy without a special person in their life?  And why do I feel so dead compared to them?  I talked to one lady who lost her husband and after a year looks back at the memories with joy.  I still cry when I look at pictures or think about all the things we did together.  I dont think this pain is ever going away or even going to lessen.

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On 9/5/2017 at 7:50 AM, LoveGoli said:

We all are living with this pain, living is the cruelest thingh we are doing. I dont believe sometime that this is the same world i love earlier but now i hate this world, this life. Sometime i want 3 rd world war start and whole world shut down , all problem solved.

Yes, I agree.  I want to be at ground zero.  Just shut it down.  I think this way a lot.   And I dont feel guilty for thinking it either.   I had something I can never get again.  I worked my whole life to find someone to really love.  I cant believe my life is over,  or at least feels over, everyone says its not, but when does it start to feel that its not.  All thats happening is I am getting used to being my own miserable company.

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Hi Bradley, I truly wish there was something I could say to ease your pain.  I can only reiterate what we are trying hard to do - live one hour or one day at a time.  Thinking about the future is just too darned scary and can make us more anxious.  But, I do quietly hope there will be better times yet to come.  My current mantra is 'what will be, will be'.  After 20 months, I am starting to smile instead of cry when I look at our photos or think of memories we made together.  I feel that's good progress.  

Sending strength and hugs. 

 

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On 9/5/2017 at 7:50 AM, LoveGoli said:

We all are living with this pain, living is the cruelest thingh we are doing. I dont believe sometime that this is the same world i love earlier but now i hate this world, this life. Sometime i want 3 rd world war start and whole world shut down , all problem solved.

Two months mark for me today, hate this date, i am contineously thinking about that day today and hurting myself but i cant focus anywhere else now.

 

 

I feel the same way sometimes. When the news said that North Korea now has a nuclear missile that could reach the US I just shrugged and said "so what". It felt strange to not care if a bomb hit my city and I was killed. With my luck, I'm sure I would be the only one spared death.

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