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Dee85

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I'm 31.. Got married at 25 to the love of my life .. Lived abroad .. Delivery a cute baby in February 2015.. Came to my home town for vacation mid July 2015.. My husband got a severe headache , we went to the hospital .. They didn't know much or care much since he was young( 33).. July 29 he got brain damage and stayed in deep coma on machine for a year and half because his family kept machine .. October 2016 he passed away ..

i was doing good .. I'm a psychotherapist so I know the stages of grief , I know how bad it is to fall in depression when I have a few months old baby .. I worked hard to find many jobs and keep myself busy.. Distraction worked well... 

Now im a successful career woman , my boy is 2 and he has a great family and we have an amazing support from my family .. But I'm starting to collapse .. I feel sad, lonely , empty .. I can't say this in front of my family or friends.. When I did their answer was " isn't it too late now to start feeling depressed now ?" Or " you are a therapist, you help others, so help yourself... I ran out of ideas how to help myself , I feel demotivated , empty , lonely and lost ... And I really don't want my son to feel any of this ...

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Hi Dee,

I am so sorry for your loss, and for the careless remarks from your family and friends. It seems that they feel as if, because you are familiar with the tools and have them in your toolbox, you are somehow immune to the emotional places that we find ourselves in, and that's just silly. You're human, and you'll feel the things we all feel, in your own time. 

I don't know if it's true or if it's just a myth that many therapists see therapists themselves, but there are some folks on this site who might recommend that you look for someone specializing in grief counseling. They are of the firm belief that those specialists simply have the tools we need at the time.

My wife passed away suddenly from a medical issue last August with no warning signs. Before this, I saw my own therapist for years, and he was excellent in helping me work through a lot of garbage from the past. Now, he is my oldest daughter's therapist, and I am so grateful for his help. I feel like I've been able to take a lot of lessons I'd learned working with him and keep applying them to this new and unwelcome way of life. Of course it doesn't address everything, and it doesn't fix everything, but it helps me to come to grips with the absolute powerlessness of the situation. 

In any case, welcome to this site. You'll find a lot of great people who can relate to the things we are experiencing, having gone through it. I hope you're able to find some measure of peace today. 

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It can complicate matters when you are a professional in a related field. Self-help is important in the grieving process. Exercise, eating well, getting uninterrupted sleep and the support of friends and family is essential.

Nevertheless, self help at a professional level is very difficult. You may want to make an occasional appointment with someone that has much training and experience in the field, and probably someone that you do not know personally. You may be concerned that you are feeling worse at the six month mark. Very little of this happens according to the textbooks or a calendar. Everyone's trajectory is different.

A near constant need expressed on this board is for a close friend or two that understand and with whom you can talk freely. As a professional in the field, it may also be difficult to find a group where you can talk comfortably, especially if it is facilitated by your colleagues or referral sources, and some of your patients or their families may be in attendance.

A great benefit of this group is you can post what you are going through, and almost all can immediately recognize what you are going through.

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Thank you 4Hdad and AceBasin for your genuine reply and help! I honestly never wrote in a forum, I don't even know much about this one, I just found myself typing on google about grief and found this site...I hope I will find more help , support and peace of mind from here.. 

Counting my blessings and writing what I am grateful for is what a professional suggested today.. I did that few months ago and it worked.. I don't know why now , i'm just too weak, laking energy and motivation to even try it again...

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Helping others with head knowledge is entirely different from experiencing it for yourself.  Grief hits to the core of our being and we have depression-like symptoms but it's not the same as clinical depression because it's due to GRIEF.  As Clarrisbassist pointed out though, grief can alter our brain.  I hope you'll make a trip to the doctor and also see a professional grief counselor.  Just as you wouldn't perform surgery on yourself, it's good to get help from someone else with your grief.

Maybe you're going through this now because you didn't feel you could before, having a small baby to care for.  Or maybe it's taken time for reality to hit.  Regardless, you're at this point and it's good to get help dealing with it and realizing what you're going through.

I'm truly sorry for your loss.

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Dee85, I am so sorry for the loss of the love of your life and your son's daddy. You went through a horrendous ordeal with him being in a coma and life support for a lengthy time.

4Hdad, AceBasin and KayC gave awesome support and suggestions. You were dealing with so much in the beginning, a tragic loss, a baby and a career. Maybe the full impact of grieving is hitting now along with the reality. Depression like symptoms come into the forefront when that reality starts seeping in. Our mind and heart are at odds with accepting this different life and the loss of that special person who can no longer be here to gives us the love and care we need. We have to love and care for ourselves now. You have a lovely son who depends on you. Your husband is depending on you to take care of and raise that boy, as he was a blessing from God as a gift. Prayers and hugs to you and your son.

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Thank you guys ..! 

I know it might sound weird and ironic .. But I prefer not to start therapy nor seak professional help  .. Any suggestions and Advice how to deal with grief and with the feeling of loneliness , emptiness and lack of motivation ...?

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On 4/18/2017 at 6:32 PM, Dee85 said:

Thank you guys ..! 

I know it might sound weird and ironic .. But I prefer not to start therapy nor seak professional help  .. Any suggestions and Advice how to deal with grief and with the feeling of loneliness , emptiness and lack of motivation ...?

Actually, I understand. Your family doctor may want to prescribe some low dose antidepressants (it is often on the calendar at month four, but side effects, trial and error etc....). If your physician advises, an intermediate course of other medications may be even more helpful.

You have an excellent support network and involved family. The struggle with emptiness and loneliness may be a long term issue, and no one here has an easy solution, but you want to stop any downward spiral.

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Dee85, AceBasin is right. There are no easy solutions or answers. This journey is ours to own and work ourselves through. It is the hardest trial that we'll face in this life. Hopefully, it makes us stronger for whatever else might be thrown in our way.The feelings,emotions of loneliness, emptiness, motivation will eventually evolve into movements of forwardness. It depends on your choices in dealing with it all. It can feel defeating for awhile. Part of this process is involvement with self care. Learning to love yourself as a person with your own identity. We were given an identity at birth. We have a separate purpose in this life other than being someone's spouse or even a parent or sibling.Those are relationships fulfilling in their own right but I feel we are here to learn lessons for our own souls growth. Complicated, but it depends on your beliefs.

Loneliness is the hardest issue to beat on this journey. I go for a lot of walks. Nature has a calming influence. Maybe take your boy outside to a park or short walks. I immerse myself in a lot of reading at night. it took awhile for me to be able to concentrate and focus again on reading. I write my husband a letter at night. Besides the therapeutic benefit, I feel that it also keeps our connection by telling him about my day. I don't feel quite so lonely when writing to him. Lack of motivation for anything is also hard. I found that just trying for one goal per day is helpful. No matter how small or mundane. This might sound crass, but in the beginning, taking a shower was just something to start out with. The next day, taking out the trash. On another day, vacuuming one room. Making that awful trip to a store for groceries. The first several of those trips had me wandering around the store like a crying zombie. I was so used to getting all my husband's favorite foods. I loved cooking for him. How do you learn to shop for one and not be triggered into a crying jag because you have a hard time going down the aisles and seeing your spouses favorites? Sorry for rambling. You'll find your own way and be proud of yourself for every baby step you take.

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Dee85  --  I am so sorry for your loss but I know your pain.  You of all people know the ups and downs of grief; how in one moment, you're getting through it somehow and the next moment, it is suffocating you and you can't breathe.     I agree with you about keeping oneself busy, and from experience, it has worked to a certain degree; however when the evening comes, and I'm alone, alone with my thoughts, alone in darkness and quiet, a sudden sadness descends upon me.  It shoves me against the wall with what feels like cold hands gripping my neck and a feeling that says 'you'll move only when I tell you to". 

I too have those 'rock bottom' moment, when I feel low, real low.   I wondered how I was going to make it without my Charles; how would I live in this world without him. When he died, it was the biggest shock of my life; nothing prepared me or it.  I felt angry, cheated, and above all, lonely.  I live each day wondering how I will get through it and then I remembered  - He would want me to.  Know that your husband would want you to as well.  He would want you to live and raise your son into a productive young man. You're the only one who can do it; you're the only one that can tell hm about his father, the love you shared for one another and the love you shared for him. You're the only one who can ensure in him what his father would have expected of him.  You're the only one to tell him the man his father was and the love he had and still has for him.  You're the only one - I know you wont let him down because you know - he would want you to.

Sometimes I think if people can't be kind, they ought to be quiet. It's unfortunate that your friends and family would say such unkind comments, but the less you respond to negative comments, the more peaceful your life will become.  Stay strong for yourself and your son - he needs you more than ever now..

Continue to post if you feel the need.  There are many wonderful people on this forum who are not afraid to share their stories as well as give comfort and encouraging words.  I pray that God keeps you and your son in HIS loving hands during this difficult time.  HE never promised this life would be easy; but that HE would be with us every step of the way when it isn't.

 
 
 
 
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16 hours ago, Dee85 said:

Any suggestions and Advice how to deal with grief and with the feeling of loneliness , emptiness and lack of motivation ...?

Gosh, after nearly 12 years I still struggle with loneliness and lack of motivation.  I have gotten involved with volunteering at the senior site and at my church, I've found some purpose and get around people regularly, but as others have said, you can still feel lonely in a crowd.  I had a close friend move so am feeling that emptiness as well.  I keep trying to cultivate friendships but it's slow go.  I do what I need to do but seem to lack desire for things I used to enjoy.

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I Went with my son and parents to a nice resort for 3 days ... I was able to enjoy the mornings .. Seeing a 2 years old playing in the pool and in the kids club is fun.. But nights are killing me ... Maybe it's the sad nature and sea at night that is depressing.. And maybe it's too romantic for me not to remember my husband.. I know family is here .. But I miss my husband ... I'm ok in the morning , but at night I can't seem to be able to read not listen to music .. I just feel very heavy and empty .. Very weird description maybe ..

hoq do you guys cope at night or try the have good evenings ? 

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6 minutes ago, Dee85 said:

how do you guys cope at night or try the have good evenings ? 

Nights are the worst for me.  It's that time when your body rejuvenates itself from the struggles of the day; when you're more relaxed, when it's quiet and still and your mind can wonder - and then it hits you so much harder than you ever thought it would; in that moment you realize the person you love the most is gone.  During those times at night when I'm feeling low, I reflect on my blessing that I was lucky enough to have had the kind of love and bond that makes me miss him so much. 

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Dee85, Francine says it well. Evenings, getting through the nights,the loneliness, are the hardest. It is when we are totally alone with ourselves, thoughts and feelings. It is not easy by any means to deal with. When you are by yourself like that, it leads to a lot of reflection and maybe some inspiring epiphanies.Our *inner voice* can speak to us easier during those quiet evening times.

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Nights and weekends were the toughest for me...until I retired, then every day was hard.  I had to build a life for myself again, I do a lot of volunteer work and get out almost every day.  I miss him each and every day of my life but gradually I've grown more accustomed to living alone.  It's still not my preference though!

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Saturday .. Midnight ... Feeling lonely and missing my husband ... Although I had a good day .. I kept myself busy and the whole day with my son, my family,  My friends ... I went out , I had good time... Why is it that now I can only focus that I miss him instead of focusing that I had a good day ..? How long does it take to get to a point when I feel content and I say I'm happy without my man in my life , and I don't need love ... ?

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16 hours ago, Dee85 said:

How long does it take to get to a point when I feel content and I say I'm happy without my man in my life , and I don't need love ... ?

I never reached that point, not really.  I've gotten used to living without him, I've adjusted as much as I'm able, but I continue to miss him and need him, I just can't have him.  It took me probably three years just to process his death, many many more to find purpose in life, and build a life I can live with.  I'm at 12 years next month.

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july.... I have a feeling I am waiting for july 28 ( anniversary ) and july 29 ( when my husband had brain death 2 years ago) to cry and collapse....

I am strong, busy, going out with friends and family, working, teaching, going playdate with my son... but i am tired and feel heavy and empty at the same time ...!! 

what is it with these weird feelings? :( 

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Dee85, I have been wondering about you and how you are doing. Your feelings are not by any means weird! Feelings are all part of this darn process of grieving. I get what you are saying about that feeling of waiting, to collapse and cry, with your special dates coming up. I feel our minds are building up anxiety because we don't know ahead of time what to expect. I did manage to get through my husband's birthday in March and our anniversary in May. On both of those days, I had a sense of peace and comfort. I like to think that was my husband's way of helping me get through. I was an emotional wreck leading up to those days and surprised I made it through in one piece. My one year mark is next month and I have been blocking it out. I'm sure it will hit me the closer I get to that date. I have a hard time comprehending that I have gotten this far and my first year is almost here. I don't know how I have done it, except I have been taking it one day at a time.

I understand you feeling tired, heavy and empty. I feel those things constantly. Grieving is exhausting work! Having to hold it together to get through the day takes a lot of effort.

Stay strong! Stay busy with family, friends, and work. You have your son who needs you and your love for him will keep you going.  (HUGS)

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Dee85 I am so sorry, my boyfriend died in March of brain death as well, he was only 26 years old. What I've read is that this pain will be always part of us, we can not expect less, we lose our solmates, our other half is gone. So we just go through the motion getting used to the pain and time is the only one who can make things "easier"

If you have to cry then do it, let yourself feel the pain, nothing good comes out of hiding our feelings, cry if you need you. In this special dates you might want to try something to honor him: prepare his favorite food our go to his favorite restaurant, do it full of joy knowing that he will be happy out about it. 

My boyfriend died 17 days before his birthday, so that day I went to his family, and we ate Limon pie -his favorite dessert- somehow I felt "happy" because I knew he will be happy to see his love ones together for him.

We are tired because we are fighting back the sadness, the situation, the loneliness, even depression, I think is a never endless fight.

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KMB and Ka9219 are right.  Your feelings are normal in grief.  You are doing well to be doing what you are doing.  Feeling tired, empty, that's to be expected.  I am always glad to get past those hard dates...

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