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Making New Friendships


AceBasin

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In reading another thread on this group, I saw this recent post by KMB. I hope she does not mind my quoting it, but thought it said perfectly what so many of us are experiencing: "The end goal is to get through the rest of this life in the best manner possible. I'm working on remaining open to possibilities of finding meaning. At my age, I have no intention of replacing my husband. My heart knows this for fact. I would like to find new friends to do things with. Friends that are going to be totally supportive when you need them the most."

Almost all of us did everything with our spouses and are missing good friends and companions to do things with. I have not seen any posts that reference trying to find romance or marriage, but consistent posts wanting to develop good friendships.

My question is for those further along the path. How do we go about locating others similarly situated? Many people appear to have the same desire and are unaware of others in the same position in their locale.

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AceBasin, I'm ok with you referencing something I posted. I lost some mutual friends since my husband passed. I consider it a byproduct of a tragedy. It has been most hurtful, disrespecting, of certain people who drop out of your life because you lost your spouse. Especially more so, when these same people expressed all the usual platitudes in the beginning and then disappear. One person who claimed my husband was his best friend, told me he would stay in contact, by phone and stopping over, and be there if I needed any help with anything on the property. He has a lot of stories to share of times spent with my husband. Have not heard from him since or his wife.

I will never be looking for romance or remarriage. But I would like some new friends. I live in an isolated rural area of small communities. Social events are few and far. But, I am ok with my own company also. Just get lonely for my husband because we did everything together.

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All of our friends disappeared when he died, but I made a good friend that also went through loss of husband a few years after I lost George.  We were very close and could always sit down with a cappuccino and talk.  She moved away and remarried about three years ago and I really really miss her.  I have had no one like that since.  I get out among people but no one really close, a couple of friends but they don't fill her shoes.  I guess I need to make more effort to cultivate close friendships.  I'm in the country and don't drive at night so that limits me.

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ilovemywifeforever

my beloved was taken by Jesus and the angels  1   17   2017...i have no friends...she was my everything for 27 years...my mom is 86 ...lives with her sister..i have no  siblings...my daughter is 38 teaches college ...so busy i get maybe a picture or email once a week ..she is too busy to talk...so the isolation is really challenging to me..i am hugely capable in prayer and God loves me so much...still isolation is tough for me though..

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KayC, Ditto to your post. I feel that for whatever reason(s) that only God knows, we were meant for a more solitary life at this time. Maybe so we can learn even more about loving ourselves and becoming even more self reliant.

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ilovemywifeforever,  Isolation is very lonely and depressing. It has been only recently that I am pep talking myself to get out more. Have you considered grief support/recovery groups? It is a good place to start with interacting with others who are experiencing loss. I am sorry your family isn't making time and giving you more support and understanding.  Maybe going to a local park, library or a restaurant and having something to eat or drink will enable you to find a friend or two. Just being around other people can help ease the aloneness for a bit. This grieving process is hard work if we are to see our way through it.

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56 minutes ago, ilovemywifeforever said:

my beloved was taken by Jesus and the angels  1   17   2017...i have no friends...she was my everything for 27 years...my mom is 86 ...lives with her sister..i have no  siblings...my daughter is 38 teaches college ...so busy i get maybe a picture or email once a week ..she is too busy to talk...so the isolation is really challenging to me..i am hugely capable in prayer and God loves me so much...still isolation is tough for me though..

I am very sorry about the loss of your wife and your current isolation. Almost any church in your area would appreciate your volunteer efforts and could provide a support network and opportunities for group prayer. The risk is that you may be inundated with casseroles.

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To all,

true friends are a great help to us in this grief, after reading some of the stories from you i guess i am lucky, i have never had a lot of friends but the few i have have been a blessing for me, i will value them forever and will be there for them when i am needed, it makes me sad for you people that avnt got the gift of good friends but we are all friends on this forum and help each other so much, it is a shame we dont all live near each other, it would be lovely to meet all you people that have inspired me with your kind words over the months i have been posting x

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Meesh, Thank you. We ARE all friends here. Our grieving is similar but is also different. Different backgrounds, different situations, circumstances. It is comforting to share stories and coping skills, suggestions, advice. We all have something to contribute to the benefit of all going through this pain of loss.

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3 hours ago, ilovemywifeforever said:

my beloved was taken by Jesus and the angels  1   17   2017...i have no friends...she was my everything for 27 years...my mom is 86 ...lives with her sister..i have no  siblings...my daughter is 38 teaches college ...so busy i get maybe a picture or email once a week ..she is too busy to talk...so the isolation is really challenging to me..i am hugely capable in prayer and God loves me so much...still isolation is tough for me though..

 

3 hours ago, KMB said:

Isolation is very lonely and depressing.

I am so sorry for your loss but happy to know that you were able to have 27 years with *your everything*.  From your post, you loved her with your entire soul.  I am so pleased to know that you are a huge believer in prayer and God.   It has been the only thing that has gotten me through this horrific journey.  I'm learning that whatever life throws my way,  even if it hurts me, I will be stronger; stronger because I had to be; smarter because of my mistakes; happier because of the sadness I've known, and wiser, because I learned.  After all, strong walls shake but never collapse.  You are blessed no matter what you are going through. Know that God is  already causing all these to work together for your good.  What has been initially intended to bring you down will turn around in your favor and God's glory.  God promised a safe landing, not a calm passage. - HE will bring you through it.

KMB is spot on in her post.  --  I think when we feel lonely, we often tend to beat ourselves up and think that something is just wrong with us. The more alone we feel, the more we start to have thoughts of not belonging or of feeling rejected and left alone with our thoughts, we become our own worst enemy.  When we find ourselves becoming isolated, we should take that as a warning sign and a path leading to loneliness, despair, and even depression.

I'm  praying for you and I hope you continue to post here.  God has put us all here at this time and place for a reason - to uplift each other - definitely - but to also learn from each other.

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I very much appreciate all of your replies. All of our situations are different, but strikingly similar, and we may have suggestions that help each other.

What has surprised me is that there are so few networking opportunities for widows and widowers.

As fro my particular situation, I have been an actively practicing professional in my city for over 30 years. I know many people and have had active community involvement. Despite my many contacts, I know of no other widowers within 15 years of my age (the two I did know remarried quickly and seem to be happy) . The single men I know my age are divorced, and their interests differ vastly from mine. 

Our friends have been very supportive and I have declined many more invitations than I have accepted. Even when I decline, some friends say they understand and tell me anytime I do not feel like cooking or going to the store they will bring dinner to my house. I know they are serious because they do it. To a great extent, I suffer from the empty chair syndrome. It just feels really strange to go to a couples' function and not have my wife with me and look at the empty chair where she would be sitting. But, within the next month, I plan to have three couples over for dinner.

What I am missing is a local friend or two such as those on this group who truly understand.

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7 hours ago, KMB said:

Meesh, Thank you. We ARE all friends here. Our grieving is similar but is also different. Different backgrounds, different situations, circumstances. It is comforting to share stories and coping skills, suggestions, advice. We all have something to contribute to the benefit of all going through this pain of loss.

KMB, you have put it into words again so well.  Finding this forum when I did has made me feel so much less alone and I look forward to reading new posts each day.  I don't lack company or friends as ours all keep in contact and visit, but the huge void a much loved partner leaves within our souls, cannot be filled with the company of others.  

I felt really flat and alone by the end of last weekend, yet three lots of out of town friends had visited me on different days.  It was lovely these couples,  but it sure brought home to me how much I miss tripping about with my best mate - catching up with out of town friends, exploring new areas, going to Sunday markets, eating out somewhere new, fishing new waters. 

There are only two of us without partners in our wide circle of friends and sadly for me, my only single friend is moving to Australia soon.  I have stayed overnight with her a few times since Gerry's death and we go into the city to eat out somewhere different each time but I feel so alien doing so.  It's that 'stranger in my own life' feeling - nearly everything about my life has changed and it just doesn't feel real. 

In the not too distant future I will need to move closer to the city.  I will be starting over in a new location, knowing few people there.  It's a scary thought!  

AceBasin, sounds like you have some lovely friends.   By the time we get into our late 40's - 50's the kids have usually flown the coop and I think we start slowing up socially and enjoy spending more time in the company of our spouses.  I guess unless one is inclined to be a club/group type person, it is difficult to meet new friends.  Probably explains why we hear of so many internet friendships. 

I think men tend to remarry sooner than women.  I actually can't think of any widowers or divorced/single men, but know a lot of widows.  

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17 hours ago, KMB said:

KayC, Ditto to your post. I feel that for whatever reason(s) that only God knows, we were meant for a more solitary life at this time. Maybe so we can learn even more about loving ourselves and becoming even more self reliant.

I have felt that to be true.  I've been working on self care the last 3 1/2 years.  But I sure miss my friend.

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I think, at least for myself, some of the difficulty lies in how we've been defined as opposed to how we are now. It's hard to go from being "a couple", which is in practice an almost single organism, to being alone. We are assessed by our relationships and roles we maintain, being a married couple of 24 years with child creates certain assumptions in other people. Behavior, lifestyle, social circles, and maybe a certain socioeconomic status. All that changes with the passing of our partners. As AceBasin said, the empty chair syndrome is big. All of a sudden becoming the "third wheel" is something that's hard to get used to, especially after so many years of being with one particular person. We aren't a couple, I'm not a co-parent, my social circle (I really didn't have one to begin with) shrinks or disappears, income gets adjusted as does lifestyle. To be frank, I don't entirely know how to act. I'm 45, I'm not interested in trying to be 25, I'm getting to that "stuck in my ways" stage of life, and I've always been kind of a loner anyway, so this is especially hard. This may sound strange, but my wife filled me with great confidence, something I'm lacking now. I don't quite have the courage to stick my neck out on my own, I'm not "afraid" really, I just don't know if I'm up to it. Being with someone in a loving, intimate, committed relationship allows us to exist with, but separate from, the rest of the world at large. Family is all we have, it's all we really can depend on (with the exception of a few rare friends) and when that security is gone, it's frightening. We've already lost our greatest source of comfort, stepping out of what's left of our comfort zone is a tall order. Of course, this is how I feel, think about this, others will have a different experience I'm sure. 

Bottom line, as of December 31st, 2016, my world became tremendously more terrifying, and this is just another frightening aspect of living without my wife. 

Andy

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Andy, You do an excellent job with expressing yourself and expressing what all of us feel and think. For me, your last sentence defines it all. The day we lost our soulmates, they took our hearts and souls with them. We are reduced to picking up whatever pieces remain of the shells of ourselves and somehow, some way, keep going.

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25 minutes ago, KMB said:

Andy, You do an excellent job with expressing yourself and expressing what all of us feel and think. For me, your last sentence defines it all. The day we lost our soulmates, they took our hearts and souls with them. We are reduced to picking up whatever pieces remain of the shells of ourselves and somehow, some way, keep going.

Thank you KMB, I'm happy you can make heads or tails of my rambling. 

You know, we spend a lot of time picking up pieces, trying to fit them back the way they were, sometimes getting it right, sometimes not. With so much missing, we discover things can't always go back the way they were, and that's the catch. How do we not only put our selves back together, but what do we do with the spaces left void? How do we go about filling them? And with what? Who? It's an intimidating and lonely proposition, to be sure. 

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Andy, My thoughts---I feel our missing pieces are with our soulmates in Heaven. We'll get them back when we are reunited.

Some of the missing pieces can be temporarily filled with imposters to fill the void. Distracting hobbies, etc. Some are able to move on into new relationships, remarrying, new adventures. I guess it is up to who you are and what you really need or want. Could be why a good part of this journey is for us alone to take.We have family and friends to support us, but we still have to figure this out on our own. I agree, it is lonely, intimidating and scary.

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You know, how interesting would it be if there was a train, that ran from the east coast to the west, a full on passenger train. It catered to those in the midst of grieving over the loss of a loved one. On that train, nothing but those left behind, a trip that would allow all of us to meet one another, tell our stories, face to face. Crying, holding each other up, breaking down again. All the while on this train, this "metaphor" for a journey. It'd be interesting to note the differences in our selves as we made our way from one coast to the other and back again. I'd love it. Of course, I may find myself being thrown off as we crossed some deep valley. I can be rather talkative when the mood strikes.

Comfort to you all,

Andy

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32 minutes ago, KMB said:

Andy, My thoughts---I feel our missing pieces are with our soulmates in Heaven. We'll get them back when we are reunited.

Some of the missing pieces can be temporarily filled with imposters to fill the void. Distracting hobbies, etc. Some are able to move on into new relationships, remarrying, new adventures. I guess it is up to who you are and what you really need or want. Could be why a good part of this journey is for us alone to take.We have family and friends to support us, but we still have to figure this out on our own. I agree, it is lonely, intimidating and scary.

I agree, as I've stated before, my wife stole a part of my heart many, many years ago. It's hers, I couldn't take it back if I wanted, but I'm good with that, I still have the piece I stole from her, 

Also, this journey is in large part to be undertaken on our own. It's only when facing our demons do we stand a chance of defeating them. 

Hugs to all,

Andy

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9 minutes ago, Andy said:

You know, how interesting would it be if there was a train, that ran from the east coast to the west, a full on passenger train. It catered to those in the midst of grieving over the loss of a loved one. On that train, nothing but those left behind, a trip that would allow all of us to meet one another, tell our stories, face to face. Crying, holding each other up, breaking down again. All the while on this train, this "metaphor" for a journey. It'd be interesting to note the differences in our selves as we made our way from one coast to the other and back again. I'd love it. Of course, I may find myself being thrown off as we crossed some deep valley. I can be rather talkative when the mood strikes.

Comfort to you all,

Andy

The grief train. Sign me up!  As I continue to read all the new "club members'" posts, it amazes me how similar our feelings and experiences are, though our stories are different. It's strange, people lose loved ones every day and go through this same pain and somehow survive. But those who have never gone through it really don't understand. Before this happened to me I didn't understand either. Now I do. That's why its so helpful to be around others that truly understand. This is harder than I would have ever imagined but I am getting through it somehow. Minute by minute, day by day. And lots of praying to God and to Pat. I  believe they both hear me and that does bring me some comfort. 

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HHFaith, "All aboard!" I need to see your ticket please. :-)

Yes, somehow we are making it. And you are doing great, "they" do hear you, without a doubt. 

Hugs, 

Andy

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Thanks Andy. Sometimes I think I'm doing "ok" but not sure I'd say I'm doing "great". And sometimes I think I'm totally falling apart and will never be ok. I was going to say the same back to you. I think you're doing great too. The fact that your posts are so heartfelt, honest, helpful and inspiring says a lot about you as a person and your journey. You are helping all of us and yourself  

Have a restful night. 

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11 hours ago, Andy said:

HHFaith, "All aboard!" I need to see your ticket please. :-)

Yes, somehow we are making it. And you are doing great, "they" do hear you, without a doubt. 

Hugs, 

Andy

Wait for me!!!

 

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The grief train is a great idea. It does indicate how the friendship of and support of widowers and widows is for other widows and widowers is essential.

Our best friend, companion, and emotional support system is gone. The one person we would talk about all of this with is not there.

Many of our friends are married, but as time goes on many do not view us as married, even though in our hearts and souls we are. We surely are not single. Relationships just do not feel the same.

I read an article today saying that many of the larger churches and other organizations that offer grief support were placing as many widows and widowers (further along the path) as possible on their teams as they concluded that regardless of training, only a widow or widower cold truly understand and best comfort another.

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18 hours ago, Andy said:

All that changes with the passing of our partners.

Yes, it does redefine us, whether we want it to or not.  Society looks at us differently too.

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14 hours ago, Andy said:

You know, how interesting would it be if there was a train, that ran from the east coast to the west, a full on passenger train. It catered to those in the midst of grieving over the loss of a loved one. On that train, nothing but those left behind, a trip that would allow all of us to meet one another, tell our stories, face to face. Crying, holding each other up, breaking down again. All the while on this train, this "metaphor" for a journey. It'd be interesting to note the differences in our selves as we made our way from one coast to the other and back again. I'd love it. Of course, I may find myself being thrown off as we crossed some deep valley. I can be rather talkative when the mood strikes.

Comfort to you all,

Andy

Count me on board!

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KayC and KMB, it'd be complete with an observation car, full dining accommodations and scenic stops along the way. The boarding station would be "Terminal of Grief", departure for the return would be in "Hope Central". Souvenirs would be friendships made. 

Hmm, now I just need a few million...oh, and a train. 

Love,

Andy

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Andy, We could start a donation fund and pray that the judicial system granted us clemency on the hijacking of a train. The trip IS for a good cause. Wonderful idea you have there.

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Married couple friends can still be very good. I just had the fourth married couple (some wives, some husbands) check in on me today and see if i needed or wanted anything.

It is an adjustment, and I may feel a little strange,  but good friends are  good friends, married or not.

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7 hours ago, KMB said:

Andy, We could start a donation fund and pray that the judicial system granted us clemency on the hijacking of a train. The trip IS for a good cause. Wonderful idea you have there.

Imagine the healing that would take place on this Grief Train. I go to a grief support group that lasts for an hour and a half and I always wish it would go longer.  It's just so good to be around others that are feeling the same things and can share their stories, fears, and successes in a safe place. A trip across the country with all of you is just what I need! 

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I just had a thought.  How about a slow boat to nowhere. This might just be doable. Maybe a boat in Gulf of Mexico , home ported in Galveston, easy access from either coast. Just thinking thats all.

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All this train talk has reminded me of a song. Tuesdays Gone by Lynyrd Skynyrd. You classic rock fans probably know it well. The first line is "Train roll on, on down the line.  Won't you please take me far, far away."  People thought it was written about a girlfriend but Tuesday actually represented life as it use to be being gone when the band was 'hitting it big'. However, Hank Williams Jr. recorded it years later right after his girlfriend died so the song had a whole different meaning in that version. I think I actually like his version better.  This can be on our Grief Train playlist!

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HHfaith, A playlist is a great idea. We'll have to invest in cases of Kleenex for this train trip, but it will be worth it to all be together as the Grief Family Tour.

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19 hours ago, AceBasin said:

Married couple friends can still be very good. I just had the fourth married couple (some wives, some husbands) check in on me today and see if i needed or wanted anything.

It is an adjustment, and I may feel a little strange,  but good friends are  good friends, married or not.

How very true, good friends are just that, good friends. The married part can make me feel a little awkward, it's so apparent the "before and after" dynamic of things now. 

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8 hours ago, HHFaith said:

All this train talk has reminded me of a song. Tuesdays Gone by Lynyrd Skynyrd. You classic rock fans probably know it well. The first line is "Train roll on, on down the line.  Won't you please take me far, far away."  People thought it was written about a girlfriend but Tuesday actually represented life as it use to be being gone when the band was 'hitting it big'. However, Hank Williams Jr. recorded it years later right after his girlfriend died so the song had a whole different meaning in that version. I think I actually like his version better.  This can be on our Grief Train playlist!

Great song! Very appropriate. That's one of the wonderful things about music, so much of its meaning or value is completely in the ear of the listener. Since the passing of my wife, songs will mean something different to me than before she passed. We bring so much of who we are to music, well, really, all of the arts. Even a beautiful landscape takes on different significance now. We have a new perspective, our appreciation has grown, we may see beauty where we didn't before, or we may see things as vain or superficial, things once revered. 

I have a playlist a mile deep. Loreena Mckinnits "Dantes Prayer" being close to the top. That and Annie Lennox's "Into the West" will reduce me to tears near instantly. 

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2 hours ago, Andy said:

Great song! Very appropriate. That's one of the wonderful things about music, so much of its meaning or value is completely in the ear of the listener. Since the passing of my wife, songs will mean something different to me than before she passed. We bring so much of who we are to music, well, really, all of the arts. Even a beautiful landscape takes on different significance now. We have a new perspective, our appreciation has grown, we may see beauty where we didn't before, or we may see things as vain or superficial, things once revered. 

I have a playlist a mile deep. Loreena Mckinnits "Dantes Prayer" being close to the top. That and Annie Lennox's "Into the West" will reduce me to tears near instantly. 

Your right andy, i feel the same, our loss has put things in a different perspective, to see beauty where we didnt see before is a clear message to keep us living on with a clear purpose, to live the life our loved ones would want for us, if only they were with us to appreciate it too.

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1 minute ago, Meesh said:

Your right andy, i feel the same, our loss has put things in a different perspective, to see beauty where we didnt see before is a clear message to keep us living on with a clear purpose, to live the life our loved ones would want for us, if only they were with us to appreciate it too.

Yes, exactly. Perhaps it's not taking for granted each sunrise, or maybe it's gathering inspiration from a newborn to remind us that while we grieve our loss, someone else celebrates a new life. Seeing value in material acquisitions just for the sake of having them has lost all its appeal.  Things I want are things that bring me joy, regardless of what others may think. And no, I'm not that odd chap down the street who collects old baby dolls and candy bar wrappers. 

I sometimes, well, a lot now, I suppose, wonder how I'll die. Not in a morbid gloomy way, but if I'll be alone, will it be quick or prolonged? Will I have time to say goodbye? To lift any assumed burdens of guilt or regret on those I may leave behind? We often think about planning for our funerals, taking care of arrangements so our loved ones don't have to, but I'm starting to think what's equally, if not more so, as important, is making sure your family, friends and all your loved ones know how you feel about them. Telling a child to not feel bad about arguing with me, telling a friend that I always appreciated his honesty, telling all that no one is to carry a burden of guilt, regret of words not spoken, feelings not shared. "All is forgiven, you all are loved, each one of you made my life better and richer for just being a part of it." I think I'll work on that. Way too much technology now to let that get away from me. 

Sorry, I don't know where all that came from. From art to absolution. 

Hugs,

Andy

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Andy i think its normal to think about our own mortality after what has happened to us, i lost my mum almost 3 yr ago now (i miss her every single day), and i question myself has to whether i helped her with the loss of my father, he died 10 yr before my mum and they had been together 50 yr, i dont think i did help her as i should have, i was grieving for my father and also wrapped up in my own family life i probably didnt give her the time i should have and now knowing how she must have felt i feel guilty about that, i hope she forgive me for it. Me and my sister did look after her to the end tho, im glad we did that, she got diagnosed of stomach cancer in earlh april and died july 6, we never left her side after diagnosis, we managed to look after her at her home where she died with me and my sister by her side, my sister is a hospice nurse and she knew how to look after her as needed, i am proud we did that for her. None of us know how we will go but its a nice thought having our loved ones with us till the end, take care andy .

9 hours ago, Andy said:

Yes, exactly. Perhaps it's not taking for granted each sunrise, or maybe it's gathering inspiration from a newborn to remind us that while we grieve our loss, someone else celebrates a new life. Seeing value in material acquisitions just for the sake of having them has lost all its appeal.  Things I want are things that bring me joy, regardless of what others may think. And no, I'm not that odd chap down the street who collects old baby dolls and candy bar wrappers. 

I sometimes, well, a lot now, I suppose, wonder how I'll die. Not in a morbid gloomy way, but if I'll be alone, will it be quick or prolonged? Will I have time to say goodbye? To lift any assumed burdens of guilt or regret on those I may leave behind? We often think about planning for our funerals, taking care of arrangements so our loved ones don't have to, but I'm starting to think what's equally, if not more so, as important, is making sure your family, friends and all your loved ones know how you feel about them. Telling a child to not feel bad about arguing with me, telling a friend that I always appreciated his honesty, telling all that no one is to carry a burden of guilt, regret of words not spoken, feelings not shared. "All is forgiven, you all are loved, each one of you made my life better and richer for just being a part of it." I think I'll work on that. Way too much technology now to let that get away from me. 

Sorry, I don't know where all that came from. From art to absolution. 

Hugs,

Andy

 

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Meesh, I think you've done a lovely job by tending to your mom, during a very, very difficult period of time. We can't be expected to know what we don't know. We all here often talk about how other people who have NOT dealt with the loss of a partner have no idea what it's like. On that fact alone, you are blameless and should harbor no guilt about how you may think you handled things when your mom lost her love. There isn't any way you could've known what your mom was feeling, and as we also know, it's a very personal journey anyway. Besides, you were grieving your father, something that you were coping with along with the task of caring for your own family. 

You and your sister gave your mom all of the love and comfort possible, and for that your mom was indeed blessed. Some would turn their back, others couldn't muster the strength, but you chose to see your dear mom to the "end". We should all be so blessed, what better way to go into that great beyond, than with those we call family? Friends? What a beautiful gift. 

Hugs,

Andy

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It never bothered me whether someone else was a married couple or single, a friend is a friend, regardless of marital status.  What I never could have foreseen was that all of my friends would ditch me when he died.  Fortunately, I've made new ones, but unfortunately, they've moved away now.  It takes time to forge new relationships but it's not something we can afford to quit at, we have to keep working at it, we all need a social network, and I'm not talking about Facebook. :)

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That is a good point to make, KayC. As social beings, we need actual face to face interactions. We need to share activities and events with others to have actual friendships. I know people who tell me they have *hundreds* of friends, but I discover they mean on social media. Technology has played a huge part in how people interact. It is has always been appalling to me to see families in public texting each other instead of talking. Actively seeking out new friendships requires effort and perseverance.

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4 hours ago, KMB said:

That is a good point to make, KayC. As social beings, we need actual face to face interactions. We need to share activities and events with others to have actual friendships. I know people who tell me they have *hundreds* of friends, but I discover they mean on social media. Technology has played a huge part in how people interact. It is has always been appalling to me to see families in public texting each other instead of talking. Actively seeking out new friendships requires effort and perseverance.

Facebook is social disconnect. It enables people to engage in an illusion born of a need for validation. "Like" my photo, "like" my brilliant quote (I plagiarized off someone else), I must be "good" I have 400 friends and 500 "followers". I admit, it's a world that I have intentionally let pass me by. My wife was ill equipped to deal with the "obsessive" nature of social networks, so we decided to let this go. I may be a bit harsh in my view of FB or twitter or Instagram or whatever network is "current", but I've seen an amazing regression of people to engage other, living, people. We have reduced complex emotions to an emoji, somehow a cartoon sad face conveys grief, sorrow, remorse mixed with self doubt and guilt? And when people DO talk face to face, they can't. We are losing our ability to communicate effectively and with honesty. 

I took the top off of one of my Jeeps today. I haven't taken it off in over a year, the weather is good, I figured it's time to try and enjoy it again. I loaded up my cameras, threw a few diet drinks in a cooler and headed out. First 45 minutes were okay, the last hour and a half, I progressively felt worse. I used to enjoy top off driving so much, but I apparently forgot that while it was very enjoyable, it was also shared with my best friend, my love, that being my wife of course. I was so distraught coming back to my home, I had it slap me in my face that I simply CAN'T enjoy things like I used to. I drove backroads among some rather nice scenery, small ponds, lakes, twisting tree covered roads, but it was like staring at a piece of brown cardboard. With no one to share my excitement with, to enjoy with another person the simple beauty of a landscape, it loses so much meaning. So long with my wife, I'd taken for granted how much of my joy came from being able to share life with someone who actually cared about my happiness. Which of course brings me to the topic of new friends and relationships. I've gone to several "events" locally, and what they illustrated was that I literally have no idea how to even initiate conversation beyond the sort of generic speak we engage in with strangers. My age is a barrier I think, I think people just assume I'm married, that's the bracket I'm in, and that changes the entire dynamic. KayC, you mentioned your former "friends" abandoning you, yes, me too. And like you, I take a long time to warm up to people, I'm guarded around people I don't know. I usually have to get a handle on someone's motivations and general character before I open up, and that can take quite awhile, considering how often people hide their true nature. I don't want to be a third wheel, I don't like being pitied or accommodated because I'm a widower, and I don't like imposing. I feel like I'm kind of relegated to the "useless" category, I should be married, most people my age are, I'm too old to start completely over again, it's just so difficult to figure out what I'm supposed to do. Or even how. Or why. 

KMB, this venting went on much longer than I intended, I'm sorry. Wow. Every weekend I feel like Bill Murray in Groundhogs Day, just the same meaningless days, over and over again, trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do so it'll have meaning. 

Hugs,

Andy

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Andy, I completely get your post. I feel so *alien* in this world now. Being without our spouses puts us into a category all our own. We don't *belong* with the couples and some of us are to old to start over. Where do we belong now? We were content with the world we created with our spouses. We are stuck in that time warp. We want everything to be what it was.

Maybe you and my husband would have bonded over vehicles. He had a passion for tiny sport cars. One day back in 2006, he came across an older Corvette. His eyes lit up and he was asking me if we could afford it. Next thing I know it's in our driveway. We had it out once with the top off. i so enjoyed watching the young man come out in him. He didn't get to enjoy the car much. His hip joints were shot and it was hard on him to get in and out of a low to the ground vehicle.My legs are too short to comfortably drive the car. So, it just sits in the garage covered up. He has a couple of MGB cars in the back shed. Those were going to be his renovation, retirement projects. It makes me feel even sadder knowing his future dreams can no longer be his.

You are right. Nothing about this life is enjoyable or has meaning when the one person we wanted to share it all with is no longer here.We lost so much along with them.

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Andy, it is very encouraging to hear that you are doing these activities.

Everything I have read says that the most comfort another widower of widow can receive from friends is from another widower or widow. At our age, we are members of a very exclusive club, perhaps in the 1% range. 

I saw a post from another member today that said it all. He was fixing his 90+ year old grandmother's computer. She had been a widow for over 30 years and he needed her password. It was "alone."

I did something today and did not shed a tear. I needed a haircut. Rather than going to a familiar place, I drove to a small town that is well known for its revitalization. There is a barber shop that seems little unchanged (other than modern techniques) for 100 years. I spent an hour there. Haircut, hot towels, hot shaving cream, and strait razors. With unlimited time, I finally found an activity that took my mind off of things. I may go back next Saturday. 

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3 hours ago, Andy said:

Facebook is social disconnect. It enables people to engage in an illusion born of a need for validation. "Like" my photo, "like" my brilliant quote (I plagiarized off someone else), I must be "good" I have 400 friends and 500 "followers". I admit, it's a world that I have intentionally let pass me by. My wife was ill equipped to deal with the "obsessive" nature of social networks, so we decided to let this go. I may be a bit harsh in my view of FB or twitter or Instagram or whatever network is "current", but I've seen an amazing regression of people to engage other, living, people. We have reduced complex emotions to an emoji, somehow a cartoon sad face conveys grief, sorrow, remorse mixed with self doubt and guilt? And when people DO talk face to face, they can't. We are losing our ability to communicate effectively and with honesty. 

I took the top off of one of my Jeeps today. I haven't taken it off in over a year, the weather is good, I figured it's time to try and enjoy it again. I loaded up my cameras, threw a few diet drinks in a cooler and headed out. First 45 minutes were okay, the last hour and a half, I progressively felt worse. I used to enjoy top off driving so much, but I apparently forgot that while it was very enjoyable, it was also shared with my best friend, my love, that being my wife of course. I was so distraught coming back to my home, I had it slap me in my face that I simply CAN'T enjoy things like I used to. I drove backroads among some rather nice scenery, small ponds, lakes, twisting tree covered roads, but it was like staring at a piece of brown cardboard. With no one to share my excitement with, to enjoy with another person the simple beauty of a landscape, it loses so much meaning. So long with my wife, I'd taken for granted how much of my joy came from being able to share life with someone who actually cared about my happiness. Which of course brings me to the topic of new friends and relationships. I've gone to several "events" locally, and what they illustrated was that I literally have no idea how to even initiate conversation beyond the sort of generic speak we engage in with strangers. My age is a barrier I think, I think people just assume I'm married, that's the bracket I'm in, and that changes the entire dynamic. KayC, you mentioned your former "friends" abandoning you, yes, me too. And like you, I take a long time to warm up to people, I'm guarded around people I don't know. I usually have to get a handle on someone's motivations and general character before I open up, and that can take quite awhile, considering how often people hide their true nature. I don't want to be a third wheel, I don't like being pitied or accommodated because I'm a widower, and I don't like imposing. I feel like I'm kind of relegated to the "useless" category, I should be married, most people my age are, I'm too old to start completely over again, it's just so difficult to figure out what I'm supposed to do. Or even how. Or why. 

KMB, this venting went on much longer than I intended, I'm sorry. Wow. Every weekend I feel like Bill Murray in Groundhogs Day, just the same meaningless days, over and over again, trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do so it'll have meaning. 

Hugs,

Andy

Andy, thank you for sharing your top-off Jeep ride today. I have a Jeep and love to ride with the top off too,  though it hasn't been warm enough here yet this year. I've  been working on trying to put a list together of things that would make me "happy" and taking the roof off is on my list.  But....how can those rides be happy without Pat?  I will try my best to start trying the things on my list   I know I won't be "happy" doing them but if I can enjoy them even the smallest fraction of how I used to enjoy them, well then I guess that's something.  I so want to feel happiness and joy again in the future but I can't imagine ever feeling that again. I have to have hope and faith that it will happen. It has to happen. Baby steps I guess. 

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HHfaith, I feel that just the attempt itself in doing what used to be normal and brought happiness is a step in the right direction. Maybe, eventually, all those *attempts*, baby steps , will become a habit again and we will find some degree of happiness. We have to strive to think and act positively and just maybe new doors will open on this rough, lonely path.. I've taken our 4 wheeler out a couple of times. I just imagine my husband with me and it helps. I do the same when I have to drive the pickup somewhere. I swear I've heard my husband telling me to watch my driving when I haven't been paying attention, just he he did when he was here.

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