How do I even begin?

[Lamby]

That question has so much of a broadness for me right now. How do I even begin to put my thoughts into words here, to write this post and introduce myself. How do I even begin to cope and grieve. How do I begin to trust myself to let myself fully live again and not feel so much heartache.

I'm 28 years old. I just lost my mother. She was 51 with a now, 5 year old granddaughter, and 8 year old grandson. 

How do I go about living my life, my whole life is ahead of me... and she won't be there for me to reach out to and tell or share photos with. My mom was my world, my everything, my hero. She was diagnosed terminally ill when I was 16. They said 5 years tops, this woman fought her damndest fight and gave us more than we expected. I should be grateful for that... but I just can't help but think why. Why... she was such an amazing woman. Never had a cruel word to say about anyone. Would give her last shirt if someone needed it more than her. She was a brilliant artist and amazing cook, when she could. 

The past three years my family and I have watched her decline so much... we knew we were nearing the end times, I just didn't expect it to be THIS soon. I didn't expect last Christmas to be our last one together, or January to be our last birthday with her... I didn't expect her to miss her grandbabies birthdays, her husbands birthday. She passed right before the three of those special - supposed to be happy days. Those days that were meant to be a celebration of life, put me on the bathroom floor at three in the morning, wrapped in the blanket she was covered with when she slipped away, sobbing like a child. I was unconsolable. I threw up. I slept there that night. 

I miss my mom so freaking much. And I feel like I haven't even been able to grieve properly, or begin the process really. I have PTSD, Anxiety and Panic Disorder, and Chronic Moderate Depression as it is... and I feel like everything I do to try and get past this, someone in my family attacks me for it. I posted a photo to my facebook of my mother, holding up three fingers, which to some mean rock on, but to her meant "I love you" while she was in the hospital last year. She was healthy but had went in because of a stress overload. I remember taking the photo, she told me to send it to my sister and show my kids... show everyone she was okay.

My babies... that was so hard... She went to the hospital via ambulance at 1:30 in the morning on Friday March 3rd. I remember being so terrified. Something in my gut told me she wasn't coming home this time. Everything just felt so different. They woke up the next morning at about 8 like usual, wanted breakfast and asked where grandma was... then we progressed to visits to the hospital, constantly. She was in ICU and intubated... I wouldn't take my daughter back, it would have been to scary for her... but my son being the brave boy he is, wanted to go back each time....I explained to him what everything was, answered his questions the best I could... and tried to hide the pain and fear with every "when is grandma coming home mommy? The night before THAT day.... we were told everything was looking amazing... that she was responding well to her medicines, and that things were hopeful..... 

And then the call at 8 am jarred me awake "Ta, you and your sister need to get to the hospital, now."

God that feeling in my gut.... 

We got there... and the words... oh god. The words...

"She's braindead."

I just can't...

My mom was my strength. My mom was my only parent. My mom was the center of my universe... 

and oh god the funeral... it was absolutely Horrible.

My mother and I and my sister, are all Pagan. We respect all faiths.... but we were not respected the day of her funeral....

"I'm so sorry for your loss.... but you know if you accept God back into your life... you will see your mom again." 

I'm sorry, did someone just punch me in the face? I was stunned. I couldn't even react... here I was standing at the head of my mothers casket, petting my fingers through her hair one last time before she became ashes... sobbing already....and that. THAT. 

But hey, I managed to work up the strength to do her hair and makeup for the funeral. No the director or morgue tech... me. I figured she would have loved that. She always loved when i brushed her hair and braided it.... never mind the fact that I sobbed for about 20 minutes because her beautiful butt length hair, had been broken off and there was near nothing left.

Call me creepy, but I have a braid of it in my wallet. 

I just want my mother back....

I'm here... I don't know why... or what to expect... but im here. 

[Athina]

Dear Lamby, I am so sorry for your loss. Your mother was an amazing woman and you are a good daughter. I do not have any suggestion for you because even though my mom left me almost 6 months ago, the hurt is still very fresh (but I wouldn't expect not to, my mom was also my everything). Yes, we have a whole life ahead of us and we will keep on moving forward, finding our ways through pain and grief. It will not be the same without our moms and it sucks.

You're such an angel to do your mom's make up and hair. I don't know what happened to me - I was in such a shock I couldn't bring myself see my mom's corps. I ordered direct cremation and now I wonder if I did the right thing. Wonder if my mom would be angry with me.. 

There are many bad days that I don't want to live. Hopefully, we don't have to live forever. I find this very comforting. I am not religious at all, therefore, I do not have a vision reuniting with my mom. But I know that life can be short. And I want to find a bit of joy and share my love with my kids before it's over.

[Ama]

Thank you! I needed to hear from someone who feels this like I do. I have felt isolated. My mom was my everything, she was a single mother and I was an only child for most of my life. I am 28, with 2 young kids and mourning my mother has been on and off the back burner for the last 6 months. its just good to know there is someone out there lost like me.

[cindyjane]

Hugs Lamby ... I am so sorry for your loss.  Losing a parent really stings and it is always way too soon.  The sadness and heavy heart is the price we pay for that LOVE.  But the good news is that we WILL be reunited with our loved ones when it is our turn to go "home."  I believe that to the core!  The thing that really helped me get through my grief was to honour my parents and to this day I try to do that.  They were awesome people ... like your mom.  They too would give the shirts off their back to help others.  They were positive people who loved everyone.  They were good providers and taught us kids good values and morals.  In honouring them, I try to be the best person that I can be and try to live by all that they taught me.  Your dear mom would want you to get on with life the best that you can and be a good mom for your children just as she was for you.  Teach your children all that she taught you.  That is a wonderful way to honour her. 

My mom was taken "home" 4 years ago and 11 months later my dad also passed on.  During those 11 months my dad taught me a lot.  I realised that although I was in pain over her leaving us, that he was in more pain and rightfully so.  He did leave me with some words of wisdom that I will share with you.  He said, "Cindy, we will never get over it, but we will get on with it.  How right he was.  Getting on with life is my way of honouring both of them. 

Take care....prayers of comfort your way

Cindy Jane