Does anyone else find themselves comparing others to their spouse?

[Panda]

This one I truly wasn't prepared for. My husband is extremely clever and capable and building/fixing, etc, and there wasn't anything he wasn't able to do for himself.

I've now noticed that when I talk to other men, even just acquaintances, or overhearing men talking about repairing cars, local places to take their 4WD's, etc, all I can think of is "my husband would know how to fix that, my husband wouldn't take it there, they have a terrible reputation for supposedly "fixing" diesels", "my husband would do better", etc, etc.

Even my brother, bless his kind soul, who comes up every single weekend to support me, is so different to my husband, and I find myself thinking "No, Tony wouldn't do it that way, no Tony would prioritise and do that first" etc. 

My brother said that Tony was the most wonderful man he had ever met. likewise, my husband commented that Charlie was "gold" for all the help he has unfailingly done every weekend since Tony's diagnosis and all the constant support, of which I would be lost - yet they are chalk and cheese. My brother is cerebral, with not that much common sense when it comes to practical matters, whereas my husband is hands-on, get it fixed, easy as, no sweat. My poor brother doesn't even know what to do with a screw driver, let alone an electric drill!

Last weekend when my brother took our dog Anzac to the beach, he did everything different from my husband. An example, I needed to go to the toilet, which my beloved would make a priority, whereas my brother has no concept, so I had to wait until we got home. Also putting our stuff on the beach was miles away from the car, which meant having to walk miles back (really irritating when you're feeling quite weak), whereas my husband would have parked as close as possible so I didn't have far to walk back to the car. I realise they seem so small, but after 25 years of having my beloved who knew instinctively what I wanted and having a routine for these kinds of things, I was reduced to tears. 

I know these are only small things, but to me they are incredibly noticeable. Is anyone else experiencing something similar?

 

[KayC]

No one compares to my husband.  None.  It's hard not to notice.

[Francine]

Ditto KayC quote -

Whenever things were not right, I'd simply call my Charles and he'd take care of it.  In my mind, my Charles was the one who knew everything; if he didn't he'd make it his business to find out.  

[Andy]

Panda, my perspective is from the other side of aisle if you will, me losing my wife and all. 

You pose an interesting question, a rather introspective one. I'm not sure actually. Before my wife passed, her illnesses had already changed some of her habits and some of her behaviors. I do find myself considering what 25 years of marriage implies though. That's a quarter century of growing closer, becoming more of a single "organism" sort of speak, and that long partnership ability to know what the other thinks before they do. And when I see other age similar women, I do think of how much different they MUST be from my wife. For the sake of this discussion, say I wanted to seek out another companion, I don't think it's possible. How would I even consider another without constantly thinking of my wife? How would I ever get to that place of pure contentment and the point where I bare my soul to someone else? I share a child with my wife, that alone creates a bond that can't be duplicated in exactly the same way. My wife was modest in her attire, not given to flashy jewelry or "loud" colors. She was more subtle in her manner of dress, simple and elegant. Many women I see around my neck of the woods tend to emulate their teenage daughter in their manner of dress. Choosing a look that tends to be 15 years too young. Before anyone throws anything at me, let me say that's perfectly fine, I'm no judge of anyone, I'm just presenting an observation. With that being said, my wife dressed nice, but she preferred age appropriate, and I like that. I like women who look like women and embrace it. I'm not sure I'd have much in common with some of the ladies today. Of course it's possible I'm just a grumpy old man. 

Really though, I don't compare other women, she's the apple of my eye, no one else was meant for me. No one could make me feel wanted and appreciated like she did, no one will ever think I'm the "best thing" that ever happened to her, no one will ever miss me while I'm away or greet me when I return. No one will care. 

Nice question Panda, it's your fault though I rambled, it was thought provoking. 

Andy

[KC81]

2 hours ago, Andy said:

Really though, I don't compare other women, she's the apple of my eye, no one else was meant for me. No one could make me feel wanted and appreciated like she did, no one will ever think I'm the "best thing" that ever happened to her, no one will ever miss me while I'm away or greet me when I return. No one will care. 

Hi Andy, thank you for your ever so eloquent and thoughtful responses.
I'm 5.5 months into this journey.  While I often feel this way, sometimes I read other people's experience that brings a glimmer of hope..
 

[Panda]

Some very interesting replies - thanks all.

I may have caused some misunderstanding. I'm not implying comparing for the sake of having another relationship with anyone. God, that is the least thing on my mind. It just occurred to me, every single male I talk to, or interact in some way with, just doesn't "match" up with my husband. I don't mean that unkindly either. As I said in my earlier post, my brother and my husband got on really well, enjoyed each other's company and had a lot of respect for each other. But they are so vastly different, in so many ways. 

Perhaps it's just the stage I'm currently at, but I find having to interact or talk to men terribly irritating, as I just can't find anything at all that I find in any way "attractive" (once again, not physically or romantically speaking) about them. To be quite frank, they seem like a bunch of idiots. A bit harsh I know, but I can't help what I'm feeling. I hate being in other men's company, which scares me, as my husband had this fear that I would turn into what he calls a "cat" woman - someone who isolates themselves with a lot of cats! 

I was just interested if anyone else feels this, or if it's purely a "me" thing. 

My brother comes every weekend (as well as staying one night a week) to support me, which is totally awesome, but by the end of it, I just want him to go, as I can't help but think of the ways my beloved says and does things, which of course, is no longer. It just makes me miss and love him even more. Hopefully with time this will change, and I'll become more tolerant, but in the meantime, it is what it is.

[M88]

Hi Panda, 

No, I don't compare, but I have had a lot of nice men come to view our classic cars.  Men that my hubby would have absolutely loved to have had visit his garage and talk cars with.  I used to be into cars too and I did enjoy talking with these guys. Hubby would have been proud of me for remembering the names of parts and so much of the history of our cars.  

My hubby was like your husband, never happier than when was fixing or building something.  I've found the responsibilty of the cars too much.  I've had to relearn how to use the big compressor, the battery charger, and how to use various tools.  I know hubby was smiling down on me the day I was on my back on his garage floor taking his number plates off the one I sold.  I've had to spend a lot of money on my everyday car since his death.  He used to do all his own mechanicing.  

 

It's lovely that your brother is so supportive and caring - he sounds like a top bloke. 

Hugs.

[KMB]

Panda, I *get* exactly where you are coming from. No one will ever *match up* with our husbands. There are so many reasons for that and I won't elaborate, it would take to long. Andy touched on some of his reasons why and they are beautiful, loving words. I am a people observer and I noticed early on that my husband was purely male and even his friends couldn't compare to him. He was one of a kind for me and I have no desire to ever replace him. I'll wait out the rest of my life until we are reunited.

[Andy]

KC81, thank you and I fully understand the conversation going on in the one you copied and posted. It's something I've wondered about, the dynamic within someone who's lost a spouse/partner and then entered into a new relationship. How they processed the difference or how the new partner viewed their role in the widows life? Very interesting insight. 

One of the things I have read about during my time in this "club", is how the children react or view someone else coming into mom or dads life. Sometimes it isn't pretty. Depending on age and length of time after a spouse passed away plays a huge role. My daughter, even now (3-4 months in), has some very complex and painful fears.  On one hand she tells me she has dreams of me with another, unspecified woman, and it scares and angers her, yet on the other hand, she's told me she doesn't want me to spend the rest of my life alone. So even within her, it's a twisted mess. I don't even think of such things, but it is intimidating, the prospect of living the next 20-50 years (50 years, hey, I'm being optimistic) alone. 

[Andy]

Panda, I think I get what you're saying. The closest analogy I can think of would be as a young kid.  I'd go to a friends house to play or visit and while there, their mom would interact with us, perhaps make cookies or talk to us, and I remember thinking about how everyone else's mom was SO different than mine. Obviously I wasn't scoping out a new mom, it's just the inevitable comparisons we make between what's familiar and what's  unfamiliar. I don't interact on a personal level with many women outside my family, so I guess that's why I haven't found myself comparing in that particular regard. 

Andy

[KayC]

Andy,

I think in order for someone to enter a new relationship, they can't expect that person to be a replica of their late spouse.  Also a new spouse should be able to accept that person's continuing love for their late spouse and accept that.  I have friends who have remarried and the ones that did it well have accepted each other's late spouses and embraced that they will always be a part of them.  I know one person who remarried and her husband does not allow her to have a picture up of her late husband (her kids' dad) or speak his name.  That's insane!  She isn't very happy either, understandably.  It's his own insecurity that fuels his controlling behavior and attitude.

Do I think there's two soulmates?  I can't imagine that, but then I've never met anyone that I clicked with like I did with George.  never met anyone that got me like he did (or vice versa) or loved me as he did.  We just went together so well.  The people I meet (maybe it's my age group) are out for themselves, not seeming capable of fully loving.  I'm sure they exist, I just haven't met them.  It seems different when people are young and building their lives together.

Andy, I love your optimism, I don't think I'd want to live that long though!

[Andy]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

Andy,

I think in order for someone to enter a new relationship, they can't expect that person to be a replica of their late spouse.  Also a new spouse should be able to accept that person's continuing love for their late spouse and accept that.  I have friends who have remarried and the ones that did it well have accepted each other's late spouses and embraced that they will always be a part of them.  I know one person who remarried and her husband does not allow her to have a picture up of her late husband (her kids' dad) or speak his name.  That's insane!  She isn't very happy either, understandably.  It's his own insecurity that fuels his controlling behavior and attitude.

Do I think there's two soulmates?  I can't imagine that, but then I've never met anyone that I clicked with like I did with George.  never met anyone that got me like he did (or vice versa) or loved me as he did.  We just went together so well.  The people I meet (maybe it's my age group) are out for themselves, not seeming capable of fully loving.  I'm sure they exist, I just haven't met them.  It seems different when people are young and building their lives together.

Andy, I love your optimism, I don't think I'd want to live that long though!

Well, I get carried away in my wishful thinking sometimes. 

I imagine it is possible to find another person to share your life with, as long as expectations are grounded in reality. I would never expect anyone to completely be at ease with my widower status, at least for awhile. And I would never expect anyone to "replace" my wife, everyone brings something unique and special to a relationship. It would be I who would find it difficult to remember that. I haven't thought much about this, I'm not even sure if I can be open to the idea. What if I'm meant to be "happy" again but I keep the door closed because of my fears? What if I become a lonely bitter man because I've convinced myself that being alone is what I'm supposed to do? It's all so strange to even think about. I wonder at times (today mostly) if it's even worth trying to be happy. Something comes along and destroys it anyway.

Hugs and comfort,

Andy

[KayC]

You will know if that person comes along that you can build a life with.  And it's always good to be open to possibilities even if you think the likelihood is nil.  

15 hours ago, Andy said:

And I would never expect anyone to "replace" my wife, everyone brings something unique and special to a relationship.

That is the outlook that would be needed!

15 hours ago, Andy said:

What if I'm meant to be "happy" again but I keep the door closed because of my fears? What if I become a lonely bitter man because I've convinced myself that being alone is what I'm supposed to do?

Not going into a relationship solely based on fears is not a good reason so I guess recognizing that you'd have to push through past your fears and give it a chance.  Love comes with risk.  Risk of rejection.  Risk of it ending.  Risk of losing them to death.  We, more than anyone, understand that so fear is a hurdle that would have to be traversed.  
I am alone but I'm not bitter...lonely sometimes.  If my kids were in my life more I think it'd be easier to get through, but they aren't so I try to get by, but dang it's hard sometimes!

[Andy]

KayC, it really does sadden me that your children are a bit less involved than you'd like. I know in my very, very limited experience, that when my daughter pursues her own things (naturally of course) I feel a tiny bit rejected. My loneliness plays hell with my self esteem anyway, not having my beloved to make me feel needed or appreciated is so total in it's influence. 

Im not sure if I'd become bitter, but I'm under no illusion that it wouldn't be possible. Anger can quickly become the "go to" emotion. As I've learned through the years, anger is based primarily on fear. And I have plenty of that. 

Being with someone else just frightens me. Honestly, however, I'd love someone to just "be" with at some point. When I say "just", I don't mean someone to create background noise so I won't feel so alone, I mean someone with whom I can build a beautiful friendship with, irregardless of any "romantic" notions. That's so important to me, an honest, loving friendship that's unconditional and patient. Mutual pursuits, shared outlooks. Having a dependable source of support. Romantic love is a concept I can't wrap my head around, maybe I never will, who can say, and maybe I'm just dreaming? Fact is, I don't know much of anything anymore and I control even less. 

Hugs,

Andy

[HHFaith]

2 hours ago, Andy said:

KayC, it really does sadden me that your children are a bit less involved than you'd like. I know in my very, very limited experience, that when my daughter pursues her own things (naturally of course) I feel a tiny bit rejected. My loneliness plays hell with my self esteem anyway, not having my beloved to make me feel needed or appreciated is so total in it's influence. 

Im not sure if I'd become bitter, but I'm under no illusion that it wouldn't be possible. Anger can quickly become the "go to" emotion. As I've learned through the years, anger is based primarily on fear. And I have plenty of that. 

Being with someone else just frightens me. Honestly, however, I'd love someone to just "be" with at some point. When I say "just", I don't mean someone to create background noise so I won't feel so alone, I mean someone with whom I can build a beautiful friendship with, irregardless of any "romantic" notions. That's so important to me, an honest, loving friendship that's unconditional and patient. Mutual pursuits, shared outlooks. Having a dependable source of support. Romantic love is a concept I can't wrap my head around, maybe I never will, who can say, and maybe I'm just dreaming? Fact is, I don't know much of anything anymore and I control even less. 

Hugs,

Andy

Andy,. I believe in one of your previous posts you talked about "possibilities". That really helped me. So I am sending that thought right back to you. There are always possibilities. Don't close yourself off to them. There is always hope. Yes, loneliness and fear of the future are front and center with me too but I do have hope for the future. I have no idea what that future will look like but I know in my heart my life will, someday, get better for having had Pat in my life and for loving him and for him allowing me to love him. You also have a precious gift with your relationship. Hang on to the goodness that came from that. It will move you forward to a good future and a fulfilling life. 

[Andy]

1 hour ago, HHFaith said:

Andy,. I believe in one of your previous posts you talked about "possibilities". That really helped me. So I am sending that thought right back to you. There are always possibilities. Don't close yourself off to them. There is always hope. Yes, loneliness and fear of the future are front and center with me too but I do have hope for the future. I have no idea what that future will look like but I know in my heart my life will, someday, get better for having had Pat in my life and for loving him and for him allowing me to love him. You also have a precious gift with your relationship. Hang on to the goodness that came from that. It will move you forward to a good future and a fulfilling life. 

HHFaith, possibilities are indeed one of my tenants I try to adhere to, but sometimes I'm guilty of giving in to futility. I do have hope, hope that somehow I'll be happy again, a complete person. I need to feel anticipation again, I need to be valued again, I don't want to feel useless and alone. I just don't know what that means, finding those life affirming things again. What form will it take, will I recognize it? Am I destined to spend my days alone? It's ok if I do, I had a great run, more than I may have deserved, but life is so much more beautiful when shared with someone who actually cares about you. I'm just sad, Easter, some other issues I'm facing, I'm in a gloomy spot. I'll find a way out. 

Thank you HHFaith for your thoughts and words of encouragement, love and hugs,

Andy

[KayC]

19 hours ago, Andy said:

Am I destined to spend my days alone? It's ok if I do, I had a great run, more than I may have deserved, but life is so much more beautiful when shared with someone who actually cares about you

That's how I've felt but I've accepted what is.  I agree with what HHfaith said too in keeping yourself open for possibilities.  None of us know what our life will hold.

[Andy]

That's true KayC, I try to keep hope front and center, but some days, it's up hill all the way. 

Keep moving forward, 

Andy

[ilovemywifeforever]

to compare ones spouse to anotherperson  is like comparing a 4th of july sparkler to the core of the sun....

[KMB]

ilovemywifeforever,   I am sorry for your loss. Inadequate words, but the feelings are behind it. Welcome to this club, where grieving for a spouse/partner is our common ground. We know your pain and broken heart. You will be listened to with a kind and comforting ear.

Granted, some people will be able to move forward into new relationships, marriages. At my age, late 50's, I was blessed with 25 years with my soulmate. The love and memories will last me the rest of my life.

Prayers of peace and comfort to you.

 

[Panda]

I too, after 25 odd years with my husband, can't even contemplate being with another person, now or in the future. But as someone said, you never know what may happen in this life. 

[Autocharge]

Panda---"Is anyone else experiencing something similar?"

If you have time I have posted about comparing Ladies to my Wife in my main post. She was the love of my life so why wouldn't I seek someone to be like her. It's only reasonable that all others are going to fall short of her standards in one way or the other. You know how capable your husband was and yes it is rare to to find someone with those abilities, but don't fault someone for trying. We all have to grow and learn. Be patient and be tolerant, one day at a time. Our loved one's have set the bar high....

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[Autocharge]

Andy

Keep posting!!

I like reading your post. so well put together.

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