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A Thank You


HAB's wife

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I want to thank everyone, for their very kind words. You may all be strangers but you all seem to understand and some, even describe how I feel. While I'm sorry for all of OUR losses, many stories bring me some comfort. THIS week has been exceptionally hard. My husband's urn came, this past Wednesday and, for the first time, I removed  his remains from the temporary urn ( from the funeral home) and I was devastated by the reality that it was all that was left of him, on this earth. I had two incredible and conflicting urges. One was to release him, immediately, into a beautiful, blazing sunset and set him free. The other was to NEVER open the bag, for fear of dropping and losing ONE bit of him. I did the latter, even returning him to the temporary urn. I am frozen with indecision. Second guessing everything. Today, I received a text from the funeral home saying his 'certificates' were in. I NEED them for so many reasons, yet, do not want them for ANY reason. My mother is staying the night and will go with me but my stomach aches and I'm sick with dread. One more bitch slap of reality. Details in permanent ink on paper. Unavoidable and mean!

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I am so sorry. You will find this group very helpful and supportive. Please feel free to post and also just vent. Everyone here has similar experiences and will completely understand. Keep the urn until you decide where to bury them. My wife's rest on a bookshelf in our bedroom.

When in doubt, do nothing with them.

Changing accounts and probating the will  etc can wait until you are ready or have someone else assist.

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6 hours ago, HAB's wife said:

I want to thank everyone, for their very kind words. You may all be strangers but you all seem to understand and some, even describe how I feel. While I'm sorry for all of OUR losses, many stories bring me some comfort. THIS week has been exceptionally hard. My husband's urn came, this past Wednesday and, for the first time, I removed  his remains from the temporary urn ( from the funeral home) and I was devastated by the reality that it was all that was left of him, on this earth. I had two incredible and conflicting urges. One was to release him, immediately, into a beautiful, blazing sunset and set him free. The other was to NEVER open the bag, for fear of dropping and losing ONE bit of him. I did the latter, even returning him to the temporary urn. I am frozen with indecision. Second guessing everything. Today, I received a text from the funeral home saying his 'certificates' were in. I NEED them for so many reasons, yet, do not want them for ANY reason. My mother is staying the night and will go with me but my stomach aches and I'm sick with dread. One more bitch slap of reality. Details in permanent ink on paper. Unavoidable and mean!

I am so sorry and know how difficult this must be for you.  I would imagine people having different thoughts when it comes to ashes of someone they love.  Some feel a great attachment to them (like yourself), unable to spread or bury them. Some refuse to even pick them up from the crematorium and then others are fine to go out and spread the ashes right away.  I know it must be a horrible feeling to part with your husband ashes, they can be the last physical part of him that you have left.....so it makes sense that you wouldn’t want to let them go.  But I would ask you these questions: What does burying/spreading the ashes mean to you?  What are you frightened of?  Why are you holding on to them?  What do you think will happen when you no longer have the ashes? 

My husband was buried in the traditional sense and when we received his death certificates, I was in shock and still am - just to see HIS name on them was unreal.  I agree, life does have a way of 'bitch' slapping us back into reality; if it was a 'slut', slap, it would be easy. 

There's no rush - take your time with your decision - whatever you decide, know we are here for you.   God bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.

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Habs wife - I'm sorry to read of your distress.  I lost my Husband 6 months ago and it's taken to this week to think about choosing an urn.  That's because I have still not come to terms with my loss and maybe subconsciously I am trying to resist.  If you do something and regret it later it can't be reversed, if you do nothing you will always have options.  Maybe thats too simplistic but the last thing you need is more anguish if you feel you made the wrong judgement further down to the line.  Warmest regards.

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Habs wife - I too, went through this last week. I had to pick up my husband's ashes and couldn't believe how heavy they were. 

I had decided not to do anything rash, they are sitting on the desk next to me.

As he was in the military, my brother came up with a brilliant idea (of which my husband would approve and have a good chuckle). I've decided to have his ashes put in a brass artillery case, a top made for it which will be welded on, and some inscriptions on the brass artillery case. As it is quite large, I'll be able to put his date of birth and death, as well as a number of sayings, including the one he used on his email which read: "They sent forth men to battle, but no such men return, And home to claim their welcome, Comes ashes in an urn".

Don't make any rash decisions. You may find something similar which you will just know he would like and which may give him a laugh or two.

Hang in there. I'd love to tell you that each day gets better but unfortunately (for me anyway), they just keep getting worse. Hopefully I'll plateau out and start to improve soon. Sending lots of love and hugs to you

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Hab's wife, Great, comforting, advice and suggestions were made by the others. Do what you feel is right when you feel it is right.

I still have my husband's ashes in the box they came in. They sit right next to the bed. All I have left of his physical body. He wanted them spread in special places of ours on the property. He was suffering from health conditions and I know he would want me to set him free so he can fly. I will do so when my heart says it is ok to let him go, because he is not really gone. His spirit is with me.

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Hab's wife,

I'm glad you have your mom to go with you, I had my sister go with me and had her do the driving, it is very emotional.  It all seems so surreal and yet stuff like that makes it seem very real like it's not a bad dream, this really happened.

I hung onto George's ashes for two years until I figured out what to do with them.  We'd meant to decide these things before he died but then we thought we'd have many more years.  I spread his ashes here, because our home was his favorite place in the world to be, where he was most comfortable.  However, if I live to an old age I won't be able to remain here and that complicates things.  I try not to think about it.  I kind of wish I'd kept his remains with me and had my kids spread both our ashes together, but it's done.  They have strict orders to place my ashes where his are.

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Hab's wife,

It is difficult to make these decisions.  My husband's ashes were put into a wooden box with his name on it, and at the moment, I keep it on a bookshelf in the living room next to his picture.  Whether or not I will ever open it and spread his ashes anywhere, I am not sure.  If anywhere, it would be Vegas, a place he loved most.  But that is a decision that does not need to be made anytime soon.

The funeral home where my husband went also came to our house and delivered the death certificates to me.  Throughout the whole experience, they were very nice.  

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