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A Feeling of Determination


AceBasin

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Today, I acquired a feeling of determination. I am going to recover, I am going to get better.

Yesterday, I decided to work from home. I did complicated work but did not see another human being all day.  I had to remember to eat.

This morning I started reflecting.  I am going to meetings and activities now just to see other people, when in the past, I would have politely excused myself from attendance because the functions were boring and unnecessary and spent time with my wife or just doing something else. Something seems wrong with what I am doing now.  

I also reflected on things my wife told me often, when undergoing chemotherapy. She repeatedly told me that she wanted me to be happy, and she insisted that I marry again. At that point, I would begin to sob, and she would say "stop. I will be happy, and I want you to be happy.  You will not be happy alone. I just have two requirements: she must be really, really, nice, and she must appreciate our things and lifestyle.  Do not change what you enjoy." I have zero desire for remarriage or dating. But, she would be very disappointed to see me doing marginal activities and going around the house crying several (or more) times a day

At all of her medical appointments the doctors would ask her what her concerns were. She would always say “my husband” he is so worried and spending too much time caring for me that he is neglecting his health. He needs to attend to xyz.

But, I am now determined to do things that I enjoy, not just things that are convenient, and to be with and seek out people that I enjoy, not an event that is convenient.  In doing so, I will be fully respecting my wife’s desires.

I have already made plans with good friends for activities I enjoy on Friday and also Saturday. I am signing up for a graduate course this summer.  I am just not going to continue what I am doing (or more accurately, not doing) now.

My wife knows best.

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This is a direct quotation from the only book on grief and recovery that I read twice:

"At some point—and no one can say exactly when this will be for any one person—it is time to try to move on. Grief counselors sometimes suggest the acronym TEAR to characterize the grief work that is helpful in getting through the grieving process more effectively. It stands for the following:

To accept the reality of the loss

Experience the pain

Adjust to the new environment

Reinvest in reality"

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AceBasin,I really really like what you wrote in your post.Don't we all want that the person that we lost is proud of us?You want your wife to be proud of you and I want my Steve to be proud of me.We have to live the lives that they can't live because they were taken from us too early.Wouldn't it be a dreadful waste if we didn't?

Life is worth living even when you are in the situation that we are all in on this forum.

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Solomon'sGirl

Your post makes me feel that it's okay to be determined. I've always had this desire to be efficient with my time and to be glad about something no matter what. I've struggled since the accident with everything, including my identity. I didn't know who I was without him. I'm starting to remember who I am and always have been. He's still with me in so many ways. I talk to him everyday. I live as if I'm living with him. I might sound crazy, but it works for me. Some might think I'm rushing grief, which we all know you can't. You can set it aside, but you can't rush it. I'm guilty of setting it aside. I get along as best as I can and tend to break down when my daughter is away for the night or more. I push through and I guess almost seem to trick myself into thinking I'm good. I know I'm not. The sadness is always right there. I cry still out of nowhere. A lot of times though I'm in a kind of robot mode with feelings. It's hard to describe. I still feel and experience other emotions. I just have a profound sadness that's hovering over, waiting for the right time to release. However, I'm trying to "reinvest in reality" as you quoted. I've fought it thinking that something must be wrong with me for wanting to try to be okay. So thank you for this post. It's going to help me. 

And I'm glad you're listening to your wife. It's encouraging to know you, too, feel determined. 

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AceBasin, Thank you for the quote. It is what we all need to bear in mind with this process. There is hope.

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The first steps were good. After nine hours of being with close friends whose company my wife and I always enjoyed, I am tired and enjoying a quiet house for the first time in over two months and looking forward to a good night's sleep before it starts again at 9am. 

I could not have done this or enjoyed it a month ago. 

I thank everyone for their supportive posts.

it will be ups and downs and the loss will never heal but I feel like I can at least see the acute downward spiral slowing and perhaps stopping.

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Way to go!  Kudos to you - We can all learn from your post.  And you're right - Wives do know best! :D

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AceBasin, Thank you for your posts. You are an inspiration. We will all survive this trial we were given.

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Ace,

Try not to worry unduly about how you are doing things or what your wife would feel about it, the truth is, the way we talked about death before they died was abstract and neither of us had experience with it on this level, in other words when they tell us they don't want us to cry or they want us to find someone else they really didn't know what they were talking about, they hadn't been through it themselves.  It is up to YOU how you handle this grief and whether or not you choose to date or not.  I think they'd be proud of us just for surviving!

Also, about grief books that tell us to move on, I'm sorry, that's hogwash!  Move on infers "away from" our partner.  I will never do that.  I will never leave him behind.  He is a part of me and that is my choice, that was my choice the day I decided to give myself over to him, to become his wife.  I realize I do not like the term "move on" (Cambridge Dictionary: move on definition, meaning, what is move on: to leave the place where you are staying and go somewhere else), I prefer the word "continue", yes we have to continue with our lives but we can do so incorporating them into it in their changed form, in the altered state our life is now.  We do have to build a life for ourselves that we can live with, it's up to us to make it that way, no one can do it for us.  And that took me years.  For many years it was go to work, come home, get groceries, pay bills, clean the house, then do it all over again the next week.  I went to church but didn't have much time for a social life with my long commute and animals to care for.  After I retired is when I really noticed the change...I knew I couldn't sit at home and watch t.v., I had to build a life for myself, a life with purpose and meaning, a life with contact with others.  And perhaps that is what you're trying to do by attending these meetings.  You know you need some contact and lacking any other you're trying to get it there.  Perhaps when you've built some other forms of contact into your life that you enjoy better, you can once again dump the meetings.  But I think you're on the right track, you just have a ways to go.  None of this is easy and none of it is overnight, but we'll all find our way through it, the best way for US.

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I would rate my first baby steps toward re-engaging as a success. Our friends have been waiting for a signal that I was ready to re-engage with them and have all been extremely helpful and caring, and have offered more than I have the time or energy to accept. All I had to do is say yes.

I was not capable of this two months ago (going to the grocery store without crying was a big success then), but had set an internal deadline that if I were not able to start escaping the lonely, dark, place I was in, I was going to ask my doctor for mild anti-depressants at month four. These are very small steps, but they are in the right direction.

I spend three or four nights a week at our home in the Ace Basin.  This is a link to a site that describes the Ace Basin. http://www.acebasin.net/index.html Our property is simple and unpretentious but has been called a “plantation” since the early 1700’s, and is very beautiful and historically significant.  My wife loved it.

When I look out of my window, I see no lights. The problem is that there is a guest house 300 yards from my window that sleeps four. The lights have not been turned on in seven months. My project next weekend is to get it ready for guests. The first couples that I have invited to stay for a weekend have readily accepted.

Small, steps and a long way to go, but I am determined to reduce my loneliness to the extent possible and start doing more things I enjoy(ed).

As always, I thank you for your interest and support. 

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AceBasin, I'm happy that the baby steps you are taking are helping you along your new journey. You are going about your recovery in your way, which is the most important aspect. Take it slow, so you have time to process any re-engagement to make sure it isn't overwhelming.Your friends appear loving, caring and patient. You are blessed to have them willing to give you the time you needed before re-engaging. Some of us have not been so fortunate to be blessed with true friends. I checked out the Ace Basin link. It looks like an interesting, peaceful, beautiful sanctuary. I can see why you and your wife are fond of your property there. Your wife is there in your heart. You will carry her with you in your journey.   Prayers of peace and comfort to you.

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Wow, I didn't know that any place like that existed!  Beautiful!  And I hope your time with your guests is enjoyable.

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The Ace Basin is a wonderful place. Other than a few months in the summer, I never want to leave. 

It is a place to share. When you see a bad eagle soaring, a heron feeding, or a flock of ducks flying over, it is more fun to share with a friend than just take a picture.

Having guests over also has a secondary purpose. The house is far enough from the main house that guests are not intrusive. At my house in the city, there would be six other homes in the same distance and six more facing them.

Guests will help with the loneliness by being here and having someone to share breakfast and dinner. 

But, perhaps just as important, is the safety feature. Right now I would like to climb a 10 ft. ladder and replace some AC filters and light bulbs. I would like to saw a big limb that fell. But, unless someone else is here, I do not do those things. The remoteness is part of the charm. I do not see another light anywhere I look at night. No one could hear my car alarm.   For a variety of reasons, crime is a non-issue here and I often forget to lock my doors at night. 

Two friends and my son insist that I text them a few times a day when I am here even if it is to say ok. 

This baby step had both an emotional and a rational component. 

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I admire not only your determination, but actually forming a plan, a direction for moving forward. Planning emplies intent, and that indicates desire. I like your wife's advice, and I can't argue with her assertion that wives know best. She sounds like a remarkable woman, who, like my wife, devoted her waining strength thinking about the well being of others. Truly, truly extraordinary. 

Her gift to you of instructions to be happy, to live well, is so beautiful. Yes my friend, listen to her, she was so very wise. 

May you find happiness. Go find your smile. 

Andy

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Thank you for your encouraging reply, Andy. I recently discovered that posts we make here are available to anyone using search engines, and are not private. There is much more I would like to say, but I try my best to keep personally identifiable private information off of the internet. 

Until the onset of her illness, which happened almost overnight, my wife was a strong healthy woman.  She spent about 10 days in ICU before she stabilized, and it was touch and go. While she did not have a veridical NDE, it was close enough. At times she would tell me "look at those angels dressed in white." She would point them out and I would say I could not see them. She said "of course not, but one day you will." She later mentioned dead relatives in the room.  One day in the hospital, she asked me to shut the door. I asked her why, and she said that the person three rooms down was about to die and did not want that to disturb us. The person did die in a short period of time. 

When she was home and we hoped recovering, for some months, she told me that God had given her a choice, to stay in heaven, or come back for a while. She chose to come back. She also said that God had shown her her own death and enabled her to foresee it. She was not overly religious and to my knowledge never read about NDE's, terminal visions,  or related topics. 

It was at that point that the focus of her attention changed to me and my life after she died. She was not afraid of death and knew that she would be happy, and assured me we would be together again.  She was very concerned that I would not be happy during the remainder of my life. She never cried but I often could not help  it. The week before she died she had me take her to the Apple store and she bought me the largest iPad made so I could read it without my glasses. I often use it to post to this group along with other things.

I am a skeptic and my profession requires it. Nevertheless, I have had too many decades of experience in a field related to death and dying and too many years of seminary to dismiss experiences like this. While these experiences could have been the result of drugs or medical procedures, she also may have had access to information far above anything I could. 

I can hear her now telling me to "snap out of it."

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It sounds familiar. My wife would always tell me that she wanted me to life a happy life when she's gone, and that I would find someone new to love. The latter I still can't imagine, but I struggle to get myself going on with my life. I do have a plan, how to take care of myself, do things I used to enjoy, focus on what is beautiful in life.
I feel that I'm close getting to that level but I haven't been able to pull the trigger yet. Congrats on taking the first steps. We all know that our partners wouldn't want us to suffer after they were gone. Actually working on it is a completely different thing.

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Update: I am getting the first glimmers of entering a new phase. I may have shed a tear or two in the past week, but have had no sobbing episodes. I am doing more things I enjoy, and other than filing my tax return, none that I do not enjoy., and am becoming increasingly comfortable being alone. Sometimes I feel a bit of relief when friends leave so I can finish projects I have started. 

Loneliness in the quiet times is still a big issue, and adjustments are hard, but things are not as hopeless as they seemed.They are not great, but not hopeless.

As I mentioned on another thread, I may organize and sponsor a meetup group for social activities and support (not dating) for widows and widowers in the area.

I just hope this is not a gap between waves.

I have found that lots of time alone in nature has helped.

 

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Does anyone have experience with Meetup? 10 minutes ago there were 15 people interested in such a group if someone else became the organizer (for a fee) and now there are 25, a few minutes and clicks later.

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I started and sponsored the meet up group. It may or may not amount to anything, but it is a step in the direction I want to go

My physician told me I did not need antidepressants (but to quit having more than one beer a day), and the Presiding Bishop of our denomination told me that God put it in my DNA to survive, recover, and assist.

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Good work Acebasin.  I'm 5.5 months out and had slowly been approaching a mental space where you just described:  less sobbing, still some tears from triggers.  Being able to enjoy activities and hobbies (some were old, some new).   I do enjoy hanging out with friends, but I can better tolerate being on my own in my house.  It's still very different than when my wife was physically here with me, but at least I have internet, phone, and TV to keep me connected to the outside world at night.   I try to balance things out so I spend at least half the evening time with friends, and the other half on my own or sometimes with my parents.  

Your doctor is right that you should minimize alcohol intake.  Definitely avoid drinking when you're feeling emotionally unstable or down.  
Drink during happy times or with people, but still just modestly.

Survive, recover, and assist.  That's a good motto for me!

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11 hours ago, AceBasin said:

Sometimes I feel a bit of relief when friends leave so I can finish projects I have started. 

Loneliness in the quiet times is still a big issue

I smiled as I read this because it seems an incongruity, but it is how I feel and I totally get this.  Other friends and activity do not feel the void left by them and the loneliness we feel is not because we are alone, it is because they aren't here.  We are lonely for them.

Good luck with the meetup group!

Alcohol is a depressant and not recommended during grief.  If you're used to drinking every day, maybe cut it back to one like the doctor suggested.  We don't need depressants right now!

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Thank you KayC. You are right- the statement would hardly make sense to anyone that was not a widow or widower. That is one reason I appreciate this board. All of us can usually understand what is going on with just one sentence. If a member just mentions "grocery store" I completely understand.

I completed the meetup page. The format is somewhat difficult to navigate and customize. It will take a nucleus of local people to make it work, and I hope to meet a few at my upcoming recovery group that may want to assist.

At least it will be a good experiment and I will share progress (or lack thereof) with this board.

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5 hours ago, AceBasin said:

Thank you KayC. You are right- the statement would hardly make sense to anyone that was not a widow or widower. That is one reason I appreciate this board. All of us can usually understand what is going on with just one sentence. If a member just mentions "grocery store" I completely understand.

I completed the meetup page. The format is somewhat difficult to navigate and customize. It will take a nucleus of local people to make it work, and I hope to meet a few at my upcoming recovery group that may want to assist.

At least it will be a good experiment and I will share progress (or lack thereof) with this board.

Manifesting your grief into something tangible and positive, well done. I applaud your drive to fill this chasm with a desire to help others like yourself. As has been said, it is our actions that define us, not our intent. You may just very well alter the life, or lives, of someone who otherwise may not end up in a "good" place. 

I really understand the statement about being alone. I'm struggling with things, but one constant is that at MY home, I prefer the company of my dogs. Home has become a sanctuary of sorts, it was where my wife and lived, it's where we enjoyed just being together, a comfortable married couple looking forward to a better tomorrow. I like being here, but I like my thoughts and musings uninterrupted, alone with my memories. That may change at some point, and this may sound bad or wrong, but I feel as if I'm being intruded upon when someone unexpectedly comes by. It's part anxiety I'm sure, but my home feels like something "sacred" to me now, not to be visited casually. I know that sounds odd or just nuts, but it's how I feel. I don't want to be this way, it's just something else I'm working through. 

Anyway, I think you're doing a good thing, bless you friend. 

Andy

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The group was approved by meetup and went live about an hour ago. Four local people have already joined.

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15 hours ago, Andy said:

I prefer the company of my dogs. Home has become a sanctuary of sorts

That's how I feel too, my own little corner of the world with my dog and my cat.

AceBasin, I'm glad you've already received response!

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Andy, My home has also become my sanctuary. And like KayC, the company of my dog and cat. My safe place. No one can take my home away from me. We've lost so much already and I try really hard to not let that little bit of fear in that I might lose something else. I need my sanctuary to help me hold myself together.

AceBasin, I'm also glad for you that your meetup group is starting out with success. I can only imagine the good feelings this is giving you that there is hope on the other side of grief. Your wife will have pride in you for assisting others and by this action, you are helping yourself in more ways than you can possibly know.

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KMB,

I feel that way too.  It is nearly midnight and I cannot sleep for worry of my daughter (my son-in-law called me, he's been thinking on this for two years!) yet here in my little sanctuary with my dog and my cat and my fire going, I am warm and safe.  This is where my beloved's ashes lie, where mine will join him.  I wonder at our lives, all of us struggling in our own way to make the best of what's befallen us.

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KayC, I have been including your daughter and son in law in my prayers. i give him credit for calling you. It shows he has the knowledge how the separation is affecting you.

It rained all day yesterday but I made the long trip down to a hospital yesterday to visit the dad of one of our friends. He has the same health conditions my husband did. He had bypass surgery 3 years ago and went on dialysis after recovery. His kidneys are totally shot. No more heart surgeries. His heart is operating at 11%. 2 arteries are fully blocked. The doctor is going to attempt stents tomorrow. Stents could dislodge plaque and cause a stroke. This dad has cheated death many times over the years with heart attacks, etc. We had a long talk about my husband and this dad has accepted his heart isn't going to last much longer. Whether the stent procedure works or not, he's accepted death and will take it day by day enjoying time with his family.

I am glad I made this trip. I didn't want any regrets because I've known this man's health issues for years. The trip and the hospital brought back all the memories of when my husband was in the same hospital for his bypass surgery. On one hand, I'm glad I was able to suck up my own grieving and being in a hospital that brought back memories and on the other hand, I'm more sad and depressed. The good effects of bypass surgery is from 3 to 5 years. My husband had his surgery in 2007 so the effects lasted double for him, for which I'm thankful we had more time.

it is sleeting here today. Makes me glad I decided on the trip yesterday. I just cannot handle the thought of anyone I know dying.

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KMB,

Thank you for your prayers, I'm enlisting everyone to pray that I can.  His mind seems to be made up but all the same...

It was good that you made that trip, I know it's not easy, all the more so since it reminded you of the hard times you went through with your husband's health.  I remember going to the same hospital my husband died in to visit my friend's husband.  I couldn't stop the tears flowing, he felt bad that I was going through that and I told him, No, I need to face it sometime and no way am I going to let you guys go through this alone!  They were both very dear to me but we eventually lost him and my friend has now remarried and moved away.  Sigh.  Things never stay the same, do they?!  

My heart goes out to your friend...losing them whether bit by bit or all of a sudden is just very hard to go through.

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KayC, I've been awaiting word to find out if our friend's dad had the stent procedure. if not doable, his heart will just stop on its own, like my husband's. It is so sad that more things cannot be done, but the heart does wear out.

A few weeks ago, another of our friends stopped in. He is 75 and was diagnosed with diabetes. He had questions, looking for advice and I gave him what I knew. He is having trouble with insurance in paying for a blood sugar testing meter. I gave him the one my husband had with some of the supplies I had left. I occasionally test my own blood sugar level but I'm good, so I thought our friend could use it more than me. The friend was very thankful and I got a big hug from him. Made me feel good that I was able to give him something that was needed.

All of our friends are either in my age bracket and even older. The realities of life suck when you realize that you might lose these people while you, yourself, are still here.

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"...but the heart does wear out."  So true.  Pat's wore out too, unexpectedly.  It's strange, we know that none of us will live forever, but I had such a nice "plan" that we would grow old together and have a wonderful, happy, long life.  It took us so long to meet, having met later in life (we're both in our 50s).  I will never understand why our time together was so short, when it was so, so good.  I am very grateful, but why couldn't it have been longer?  There are no answers, not now anyway.

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Another baby step: I was determined to change my attitude about the grocery store. Today I bought the ingredients for and will bake a batch of chocolate chip cookies. I have not baked those in many years.

After I finish the broccoli.

I am going to buy something special I would not ordinarily buy on most trips to the grocery store. 

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AceBasin, Baby steps are a good thing. We can handle those easier than taking a giant leap and landing ourselves back into the grief pit. I hope you invite friends over to share those chocolate chip cookies! And the broccoli will be the healthy greens before the cookies.  Yes, groceries stores are a biggie for those triggers. Definitely reward yourself with something special from each trip. Take care, your posts are an inspiration.

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6 hours ago, HHFaith said:

"...but the heart does wear out."  So true.  Pat's wore out too, unexpectedly.  It's strange, we know that none of us will live forever, but I had such a nice "plan" that we would grow old together and have a wonderful, happy, long life.  It took us so long to meet, having met later in life (we're both in our 50s).  I will never understand why our time together was so short, when it was so, so good.  I am very grateful, but why couldn't it have been longer?  There are no answers, not now anyway.

Maybe we would all be better off not *planning*? My husband and I had our retirement planned out and it backfired big time. He was 44 when we met. I had dreams of the proverbial rocking chairs on the porch for our *golden* years. Life can be so disillusioning when it goes wrong.

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15 minutes ago, KMB said:

Maybe we would all be better off not *planning*? My husband and I had our retirement planned out and it backfired big time. He was 44 when we met. I had dreams of the proverbial rocking chairs on the porch for our *golden* years. Life can be so disillusioning when it goes wrong.

This is what has happened to me. I have moved into our plane of retirement and she is not here now. The plan is now empty and I don't know how to fill it. It just doesn't  feel right. Why do I get to enjoy it? Living off of the fruit of our hard work together. I know it's "half" my hard work but what about her "half". I know I shouldn't see it that way but thats how it feels. I wouldn't have been able to retire at 45 if it hadn't been for her.

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9 hours ago, KMB said:

Maybe we would all be better off not *planning*? My husband and I had our retirement planned out and it backfired big time. He was 44 when we met. I had dreams of the proverbial rocking chairs on the porch for our *golden* years. Life can be so disillusioning when it goes wrong.

I have the proverbial Adarondax chairs on my front porch!  As for our plans, I heard a saying..."God laughs at plans".  So true. We just never know what's going to happen. 

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KMB,

Tell me about it, everyone I know is old!  I've lost seven friends to death in the last 12 months! :(  Good luck with your friend's dad...

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KayC, Our friend's dad was able to have 2 stents put in. He's doing fine. He was so appreciative that I made the long trip to visit him .He was telling everyone about me doing that. I feel good that I was able to be there for him. It was hard on me being in that hospital. My husband was in every surrounding hospital at some point for various issues. I know I have to face certain places head on to be able to get through this process.

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That's so good to hear!  I hear you about the hospital, that's tough at first!

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