Unable to cope or come to terms with what happened

[Vess]

Hello,

We put our 6.5 year old cat to sleep 11 weeks ago today.  A little history for him, a year prior we had to hospitalize him after he started throwing up and not eating, he had an 18 creatinine level and we thought we were going to lose him then.  But with fluids and treatment his kidneys recovered completely and he came home a week later back to normal.  The doctors were amazed.  We never figured out what caused this crash, the doctor thought maybe an infection because his kidneys were dilated during the ultrasound but the culture came back negative.  We did learn one of his kidneys was about 1/3 the size the other and was probably born that way. 

Him and his brother both had higher kidney values than normal for their age but they weren't in the high range yet so we started them on kidney diet and a few meds to help prolong their kidneys.  They had been doing great since, we got routine checks to keep an eye on their levels and they were staying stable, his was at 2.3 in September which is what it has been at for the past few years, so even with his episode last year his kidneys didn't seem to have suffered any damage. 

11 weeks ago Monday morning he threw up, we were freaked out but he was still eating.  He had been acting completely fine up until that morning.  Around noon we fed him some more and he ate, but then threw up an hour later.  So we brought him to the emergency hospital where he was before.  His doctor specializes in kidneys and is who we have been seeing since the first episode so he knew the whole situation.  His levels were up to an 8.  We were frustrated it was happening again and still had no idea why it was happening.  They did an ultrasound and didnt see an blockages, his kidneys didn't look to be full and blocked.  We went home after visiting him in his cage in our heads expecting his levels to again come down and this would just be something we would have to deal with going forward.  Unfortunately when the doctor called the next day his values had gone up even while on fluids.  He also hadn't peed since the morning.  The doctor said that sometime it happens and takes a little more time to come down.  Around midnight we were called by the oncall doctor who told us he wanted to put a catheter in because he still had not peed and this was the only way to measure how much was being produced if any.  Wednesday morning the kidney doctor called to tell us he had gained 10% of his body weight in fluid and there was very little urine being produced, his values were also higher.  Basically his kidneys were not working.  He said the only thing we could do was try diuretics to see if they would jump start his kidneys, they usually work pretty quickly so we waited about 5-6 hours.  Around noon he called and said there was no change.  He had also redone the ultrasound to see if he could see a change in the previous one but it looked pretty similar, still no signs that a blockage was causing the problem.  He also said that if it was a blockage he would expect to find urine in his abdomen when it was all just fluid that was backed up. 

We trust the doctor, he knows how much our cats mean to us and that we would do anything we could for them.  He said he would never have predicted this especially after his dramatic improvement the first time.  But there wasn't much more we could do if his kidneys didn't work.  We could of taken him to a University several hours away to have him put on dialysis to give him more time to see if his kidneys would come back.  We didn't want to put our baby through this, he hates the cage and has always been very scared except with us.  The vet told us to follow our hearts.  We took him home and called the mobile vets we have used in the past, we wanted to at least bring him home and do it were he felt comfortable.

The part that is making this so hard is that he was acting so normal the whole time.  Yes he looked all bloated, but every time we visited him in the hospital is was affectionate and himself.  Bringing him home he just kept meowing his normal way.  Once we got home and let him out I had expected him to be lethargic and not feeling well.  It was the opposite, he started brushing up against us, wanted to snuggle and get pets.  He walked all around the main level of our house, checked out the litter boxes (sadly didn't use them, the vet said if he did pee then we obvisouly had hope, never wanted to see urine so bad in my life).  He even laid all sprawled out with his legs out behind him, (we called this his superman pose).

The mobile vets came and he was scared, tried to go hide which is normal.  They came in and gave him a sedative first so he would fall asleep and we could say good bye before the final injection.  The mobile vet examined him to check if he had any urine in his bladder, she said no and that the fluid hadn't gotten to his lungs yet but agreed with our vet that euthanasia was the right choice, it was only a matter of time before he did start suffering and that it would be a bad death.  He went to sleep with my husband and i laying on the floor staring into his eyes telling him how much we love him.

I cant believe we did this, I feel just as horrible as I did 11 weeks ago.  I feel like we should of waited, he wasn't acting like he was dying, how could we do this. It had only been two days since he threw up to him being put to sleep, how could it happen this fast.  I keep telling myself you saved him from eventual suffering, and that yes we could of waited and he would of declined sooner than later and I would of regretted waiting and making him suffer when we could of done it while he wasn't.  This is how I felt with my first cat who I also had to put to sleep at 6 years old.  The difference is he looked and acted sick for a few days while we tried to figure out what was wrong only to in the end have to put him to sleep (heart disease/potential liver cancer) and I had a little closure since he at least looked like he was dying.  But tell myself this doesn't help, I don't know what to do.  I just feel like a shell walking around, we go about our life like normal only to be reminded that he is gone and that I don't know if I did the right thing.  I love you so much Phanes.

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry you lost your cat.  It is normal to second guess ourselves in grief, to question everything we or the doctors did or didn't do, all of the what ifs or feel guilty.  The truth is, this is due to our emotion and not necessarily based on fact.  The fact is you had a very sick kitty and had done everything you knew to do and it wasn't working.  You wanted to spare him further pain and upset and you made the kindest decision based on what was best for HIM, not you.  You were good parents.

Cats and dogs take things in stride, they don't question when they get sick like we do, they accept it as just what happens, even when they are in pain, even when they are very uncomfortable.  So they may appear stoic or not as bad off as they really are.  They continue showing affection.  My cat George was dying of cancer, I don't want to describe how horrible it was, but the vet said to imagine the worst head cold I'd ever had and multiply it by 1000, and that's how he was feeling...yet he still purred, even when going through the expressing of the gangrenous stuff in his sinuses, which was a horrid painful procedure.  Putting him to sleep was the kindest thing I could have done for him and had I known a month sooner what was happening, what his prognosis was (he was misdiagnosed by the emergency vet), I would have done it sooner to spare him.  But he was very brave and very loving, clear up to the end. 

I believe they know we love them, that brings them much comfort even through the really rough part at the end.  I pray for comfort for you, and comfort in the knowledge we'll be reunited again with our loved ones, including our furry family members.  (((hugs)))