The paradox of less pain but more anxiety with time passing, do others experience this?

[BSL]

As I enter the midportion of the second year without my wife, I am feeling very confused. All of us who are here in this forum share the pain of the loss of their soulmate and it seems that we all go through the grieving process somewhat similarly. Those who have recently lost their loved one are reeling in disbelief and agony. Those who are further along remember well those days, but the grieving changes over time.

As time passes and the pain is less, I also feel anxiety as I feel my wife is slipping away from me and a fear that I will forget her. My confusion is from not wanting to let go. I know she would want me not to dwell on the loss.  I understand the concept of continuing bonds and embrace that, but, my emotions are making me anxious. Each day that passes feels like I am further away from my wife. Every milestone, our sons' graduations,  family trips without that my wife has missed feels like another lost future moment. 

Of course there are times when certain memories that are triggered, that the pain rushes back in, and I find myself embracing these memories and the pain because it feels like they are all I have left. I cry and wallow in the memories during those times.

Do others experience this? Do the ones who have dealt with this have advice they can offer? Am I crazy for wanting to feel the pain? Is this abnormal grieving?

[KMB]

BSL, Andy and I had recently touched on this subject in another post. We are still in the early months of our loss, but already are feeling this distance that time has been perpetuating.  For me, everyday that goes by, I feel like the distance has already spread to years instead of the 8 months it has been for me. I'm afraid of that cliche', *out of sight, out of mind*.  I don't believe our hearts are going to allow us to forget. The heart is where we hold our love for everyone we know. It has space for much love and special sections for everyone. There are going to be times that we need to feel the pain. Feeling the pain causes us to fully recognize that we deeply loved a special person that is absent from our life. The pain does lessen over time, which I guess is for our benefit in being able to survive and continue on. That pain though is always going to be just under the surface, ready to jump out at any given moment. It is ok.  It is ok to feel confusion and anxiety. We do not want to let go. We do not HAVE to let go. Our memories and our hearts won't let that happen. We will be feeling our loss in different ways all through the rest of our life. That also will be ok.

[Zara19]

Hello BSL - I won't add anything much extra to your post only that you have reached into my mind and written down my thoughts.  These thoughts, like for you have turned into a source of anxiety.  I totally understand your concern.  To me, I recall everything about before my Husband passed away and about him as like being formed into a sparkling piece of ice sculpture but the ice is starting to melt away and I'm scared because it's melted a bit more as time is going on.  It's really quite a panicky feeling.  I do understand and agree with KMB but it does feel quite uncomfortable.  I also am familiar with the continuing bonds theory.  Warmest regards.

[Andy]

BSL, as KMB mentioned in her post, I think we're entering into this phase of time and distance creating yet another cruelty. It's been about 3 1/2 months since I last spoke to my dear wife, and it's so horrible. 

Obviously I can't answer your question, you're in a different place than I am, your insight far superior to my own. I will speculate that our anxiety will intensify as time moves on. In another thread, I lamented that time is not a friend of mine now, it's a thief, it's going to try and rob me of my memories, but I won't let it. I have decided to start taking more family photos, not studio type portraits, but candid, everyday life photos. And video of them speaking, I fear losing the memory of my wife's voice.  

Andy

[HHFaith]

I also feel the same way and it's only been just over 3 months for me. Zara, your analogy of the melting ice sculpture is a perfect description. The memories, the life we had together is melting away a little more every day and there's nothing that can be done to stop it.  because of this I'm trying to focus more on the new relationsip I now have with Pat- the spiritual relationship. Not really sure what exactly that is but I do feel we still have a strong bond but it's just different now.  This is all so new and crazy and horrible. It's still so overwhelming so I'm trying hard to take it as it comes and go with the flow. But I am soooo tired of crying. It's exhausting. Will I ever stop???

[BSL]

HHFaith, the crying does diminish, but then, at least for me, a few days will go by when you haven't cried, and you may think, what's wrong with me, am I forgetting my soulmate? And you feel she is fading away. And as KMB said it so well, the pain is just below the surface, so when a trigger sets off a flood of sorrow, you realize your mind has been playing tricks with you again. 

KMB, thank you for your words, the intellectual side of my brain gets it, feels a little schizophrenic sometimes.

Andy, it seems that there are cycles and although I am further along than you, you just become more aware of the cycles. Just a week ago, I woke from a heartrending dream. My wife and I were in a hospital, waiting. Her colleagues and friends came to pay tribute or wish her well (I'm not really sure), and ion the dream, I felt anxious. She was waiting for her surgery. When we were alone and she was about to go in, I was crying (deep down I knew she would not live, although in real life the cancer surgery was not how she ultimately died), and she was trying to calm me. She said she would be better off... and I woke up. But I knew that she meant her death meant she would be free of the suffering, and the reminder of her suffering was unbearable for me.

But then, a few days later, I'm questioning myself because I can look at her picture and not feel a deep pang of loss. Once you have gone through a few cycles of this, you intellectually understand it but you still go a little crazy.

 

Zara19, when I first heard of the continuing bonds concept, I felt relief. The old "moving on" concept felt so wrong. My son asked me a few months ago if I talk out loud to my wife and I never had, so I tried it and it felt very odd and I spoke 1 sentence and started sobbing. But I believe it was because the last time I had spoken to my wife was on her death bed the night she died. It felt very powerful.

I'm glad to hear that this seems to be a common reaction, although, I'm not sure it's right to embrace the pain? Thank you all for your input.

[Zara19]

Hello BSL

I don't speak aloud to my Husband but I write him a page everyday in my diary as though I am "talking" to him, telling him what I have done and reminding him of things we had experienced.  It's not a comfort all the time but it's a time I dedicate to my Husband everyday - not that there is ever a time he is not on my mind anyway.  It's like a ritual in a way and it's said rituals can bring some degree of solace.  They are another way of "continuing the bond".  I too have dreams, dreams are usually centered on him being at hospital or unwell but that he has been "fixed" and then I wake - that is very hard.  I can see you are suffering over this.  If everyone died at an age of their choosing (after a long and content life) and in a peaceful manner of their choosing we would grieve over the loss and heal easier.  When unfairness and suffering and premature death occur it just tears us apart. Keep going along BSL - warmest regards.

 

[cp9042]

My husband died in February of this year, so the pain is still pretty raw.  He wanted to be cremated, so I have him on a shelf with a picture of him and my two sons.  Usually when I come home, I will say hi, and sometimes I hug and kiss the box he is in.  So he is with me, in some way.

[KayC]

19 hours ago, BSL said:

As time passes and the pain is less, I also feel anxiety as I feel my wife is slipping away from me and a fear that I will forget her.

BSL, it's been nearly 12 years for me and I haven't forgotten anything about him, our life together, none of it.  Perhaps your fear comes from feeling your grief is somehow tied in with remembering her?  It helps to remember that it's not our grief that binds us to them, it's our love.  We can let ourselves evolve through the grief process without fear of losing them, that will never happen.  My love for my husband is as keen today as it was 12 years ago.

[BSL]

KayC, that is wonderful reassurance to hear your words! It is what I have read from grief articles, but, I can't trust my emotions anymore, they trick my mind these days.

I know I've tied the pain to the grieving process and memories. This may be that the end happened suddenly and we were not prepared. Even though my wife had advanced stage 4 cervical cancer (a very rare form that did not respond to any treatment), we always tried to be hopeful and it's my failing that we never had the hard conversation. We never had a chance to say goodbye (although I have to believe the palliative physician that even though the patient is in a coma, she may be able to hear and comprehend), and the last 4 days were terrible, so my memories tend to drift there. Maybe that's why I grieve this way. But I know our love was strong and I believe you that it will carry me forward ultimately. Thank you again!

[KayC]

We didn't get to say goodbye either.  We were always together when we weren't working except once a year I'd go to my sisters' reunion...this was that weekend.  Right after I left he had a heart attack and drove himself to the doctor, then went by ambulance to the hospital.  He wouldn't let them call me, he "didn't want to ruin my weekend".  !!!  By the time I found out and got to the hospital it was two days later and people were visiting him.  They moved him and finally let me in to see him...he was asleep.  he woke up coding, I ran for help, they started working on him and kicked me out.  When they came for me, they didn't need to tell me, I knew he was gone.  

You're right, our emotions are all over the place and since these emotions began with their death it's easy to associate them as part of holding on to them.  But our feelings aren't a good barometer of anything, our faith in our continued love keeps me going and I know I'll be with him again.  I know nothing has changed except his physical body gave out, nothing changed our love, our fit, our understanding and caring of each other.  Unfortunately, their physical bodies giving out affects pretty much everything in our lives as it's damned hard to communicate without a body, isn't it!  We can't hold each other anymore, he can't help with things around the house, but you know what?  He can still go on drives with me, still listen, still care, we can continue with our love...it's just that now we have to take it on faith instead of something tangible we can see and feel.