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Second time around


Dude's mum

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Where do I start? I guess it's easiest to start five years ago although it feels like a lifetime ago now.

Five years ago my wonderful husband died after a thirteen year battle with non hodgkins cancer. I was utterly devastated. He was 54 years old and I was 46. He had a recurrent cancer which returned a total of seven times before he succumbed. He was an immensely brave, loving man and a fighter to the end and I loved him with all my heart. Because we were aware of his condition, we had time to prepare for the end, time to discuss what would happen and what he wanted for me afterwards. We would talk for hours about how he envisioned my future and how if the boot was on the other foot, he would make every minute of his life count. He would enjoy every second that was given to him. He gave me strict instructions and made me promise that I would see them through, some of which were simple, some I thought I would never be able to do, but how wrong I was. He made me promise that eventually I would find another person to love, he even gave my best friend instructions, she was to interview any prospective new partners and make sure they would treat me right. You see before he died he had wanted to do something completely different and make a change to our lives, so we moved 250 miles away from our home to run a campsite in a national park ( a bucket list dream of his) so I knew very few people where we now lived. In fact I only knew doctors and nurses at the hospital! As a result I was lonely. I needed another adult to talk to, someone to just be there. So nine months after he died I joined an online dating company. This was not to find love but to find some company, someone to spend time with, meet for a coffee or occasionally go for a meal with and that was how I met my new partner.

After chatting online for a few weeks we finally met up one day for coffee and a chat. The funniest thing was, we were both Northerners living down south so we instantly hit it off. That day we just sat and talked for three hours! Nine months later we moved in together and life could not have been better. I had a second chance at happiness and it was blissful. G and I had a wonderful life, we worked hard and as a result we enjoyed our spare time too. We talked about the future and decided that neither of us were ready to marry again (he had been married twice before) but we're happy to see where life took us. Anyway to cut an extremely long story short we decided to go on holiday for Christmas 2016. We booked an idyllic holiday to Norway, staying in an all inclusive forest log cabin and skiing which we both loved. It was incredible! On Christmas Eve I had an accident, fell and ended up with a dislocated knee which put me out of action for skiing. He was in bits because I was hurt. The following morning, Christmas morning he presented me with the biggest diamond ring I had ever seen and asked me to marry him! We were ecstatically happy.

Each January for the past three years we had gone on holiday skiing with his work mates and this year was no different. Obviously because of my injury I wouldn't be able to ski with him as much but we could still enjoy the holiday. I should mention here that this holiday was always booked to coincide with our birthdays, his in late January, mine in the beginning in February. On Thursday February 2nd we all went out for a meal for my birthday the next day (3rd). We had a fabulous night and ended up at a local bar until the early hours. The following morning ( the last day of skiing) I awoke with a terrible cold and feeling absolutely rotten. I told him I was unwell and to go ahead without me and I'd catch up later. He said he would stay with me for a while as it was my birthday but I insisted he went off to meet his friends and have a good time. He eventually agreed to go and we agreed to meet up later. He kissed me and told me he loved me lots. That was the last time I saw him.

My darling man had collapsed and died by the side of the road on his way up to the ski lift.

I won't go into all that happened following this but will just say it was the most traumatic horrendous time of my life. Because we weren't married I could not have his body flown back to our home but rather to his estranged family up north. It was horrific for me. I can't begin to explain the utter desolation I felt and still feel and to top this all off, the home we shared was rented and I cannot afford to stay here on my income alone so now I find I must move house. Not only have I lost my darling man but I lose my beautiful home too. I feel completely destroyed. My grief overpowers my whole life. I go to work because I must ( I'm self employed) but when I get home I'm completely overcome. The thought of returning to an empty house without him and having to pack all our lives into cardboard boxes ready to move to a place without him is just more than I can bear. I find myself in tears every night. I can get through the days, working, but the nights...

And if one more person says to me "you'll get through this, you're a strong person" I think I'll scream! 

 

Sorry but but I just had to get this off my chest.

 

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Hello Dudes Mum

To lose your darling partner in traumatic circumstances away from the UK and then lose the familiarity of the home you shared your life together in is excruciatingly painful, I know.  My Husband passed away 6 months ago a day after my 51st birthday and I have had to move 25 miles away to stay with family as I am too distraught to stay in the house.  I know it's a bit different to you, you sadly had no choice in leaving your lovely home but on top of losing my Husband I have lost my anchor, the foundations of my life and I can imagine you feel the same.  You have had even more distress with the arrangements to bring him home - it's a huge amount for your soul to bear.  You don't mention siblings or family but I hope you have someone taking care of you.  Look after yourself.

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Dude's mum,  Welcome to this club that no one wants to be in. I'm at a loss for words at reading your sad,tragic story. You found yourself blessed to be loved by two precious men and I am truly sorry for losing both of them. Having to lose your home and start all over has to be the proverbial straw that broke the camels back.  I hope you have support from family, friends. I cannot imagine you having to go through this alone.

You have found yourself in good company here. Thank you for telling your story and this is a good place to unload everything you are feeling. We all need a safe outlet for expressing our sadness and grieving. (HUGS)

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Dude's mum,

I am so sorry. Lord knows it's hard enough losing the person we love but all of the secondary losses like losing your home and not being able to plan his arrangements the way you'd want them are so hard to bear as well.  You are not alone here, you've found a group of caring people who get it.  I hope you'll continue to come here and read and post, it does help to express what you're feeling and know you have an audience that hears you and understands.

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Dude's mum

I am so sorry for your losses; both of which obviously made you happy.   I can only imagine the pain you must be experiencing; losing the love of your life and losing the apartment you shared together.  I lost the love of my life a little over 4 months and and we would have celebrated our 45th wedding anniversary this coming Saturday.  I truly believe in God and prayer; I know there's more to God's plan than living our lives in a dark, cruel, vicious, chaotic world where the end is death.  No way, no how.  There's got to be more - no, there is more - that's what my faith tell me.  Faith is to believe what you do not see; the reward of faith is to see what you believe.   When I pray, I ask God to open my eyes that I can see the best, open my heart so that I can forgive the worst, a mind that forgets the bad and a soul that never loses faith.  God didn't promise faith would be easy, HE promised it would be worth it.   I pray that you find the faith within you to know that things will work out, maybe not how you planned, but how they were meant to be.  

I hope you find strength in this most difficult time in your life.  I hope you continue to post; we are here for you whenever you feel the need to vent, talk or cry.

 
 
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How truly tragic and devastating for you to have such a burden to bear Dude's Mum. I wish there was something I could do or say that would help you feel better. 

I too hope that you continue to post and hopefully get some relief and support to help you through. 

 

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Thank you all for your replies. I'm just putting one foot in front of the other and getting through each day as it comes. I know life will never be the same but it doesn't stop the immense pain I feel each and every second of every day. 

 

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