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What Do You Do With Your Spouse's Things, and When?


AceBasin

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What do you do with your spouse’s things, and when?

It has been over two months, and I have not done much with my wife’s things.

It does not trigger me to see them, and they are not any sort of monument or memorial. If I boxed up too many things the house would look unfamiliar and it would be very noticeable.

I placed most of her jewelry in a safe deposit box.

She had two cars that I rarely drove, and I start them up and drive them every few weeks, and pay insurance and taxes on them.

I had neglected our vacation house during her illness and death. I went there to check on it for the first time this weekend. It had been looted. Our bed had been stolen, her dresser was stolen and her clothes and photos were strewn across the floor. Much of the living room furniture and dining room furniture and art was stolen.  Even the outside heat and central air units had been removed.  I mention that just as a lesson I learned the hard way.

While seeing her clothes, purses, and other items in the closet causes no reaction for me, seeing them or her jewelry on my daughter or daughter in law would seem too strange for me right now.

What have others done? Any regrets? Any suggestions?

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AceBasin, Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry about what happened with your vacation house. A situation like that happening so soon would have had me sunk to my knees and then some. To have a personal space violated in that way is unfathomable. I know that there a bad people out there but I don't think my heart could have taken it.

I don't know how you dealt with that but give yourself a pat on the back for being able to cope.

Personally, I haven't touched any of my husband's belongings. Everything is the way he left them. I'm just not *there* yet. For me, it gives me comfort that he was indeed here and we had a life together. I know that at some point, things will need to be moved and gone through. Like you, I don't want the house to look uncomfortable or unfamiliar. The absence of my husband has been more than enough to cope with. The only things I have disposed of were all the meds. Such cruel reminders of the health conditions that took my husband away.

Take your time, AceBasin. There are no rules for this. Some people leave things alone for years. Some just feel the need to get it done with. Just don't part with anything you might wish you had not, when you get further on your journey.

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AceBasin --

I too am sorry for the vandalism you experienced; but the harsh reality is we live in a cruel world where more often then not, darkness can be found not only surrounding our every day lives, but also can also be felt within ourselves. Just listening to the news channels and reading news papers can almost always be counted on to be a bearer of bad news of how much humanity is in chaos with the world and itself.  I'm just glad you nor any of your family were there; items can be replaced; not people.

I think each person is different when it comes to disposing of your loved ones belongings.  With my Charles, I was able to donate clothes he never wore to the good will centers or family member who could use them; but his favorite clothing, shoes, or personal belongings,  I am unable to touch.  Getting rid of those items  would feel as if I was getting rid of him or throwing him out or donating him to the good will centers. Some things I will never rid myself of.   Sounds crazy, but that's where my mind is at this point.  I think you will know in your heart when the time comes - and you'll be able to do it without in reservations.  

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Thank you KMB and Francine.

Another lesson I have learned is to carefully go through each covered dish, all pockets, even your own clothes, and about any other place you can think of.

For example, I found jewelry in a covered candy dish by the sink (a convenient place to put things when needed).

I looked and looked for my wife's keys. I looked everywhere and was about to have the locks changed. The other day I opened my shaving kit looking for a spare tube of toothpaste, and the keys were in my shaving kit. My concentration must have been low in the past few months because I had not seen them there the past times I had used the kit.

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Hello AceBasin

I'm sorry about the added distress in respect of the theft.  I run the same risk as I do not live in our home as I am with family 25 miles away.  I am mindful this could happen to me.  They could have the non personal items but I'd be devastated to lose other items. Being away from home means I don't come into contact with triggers and attachments but this probably has pros and cons as sometimes I don't feel 'connected' if that makes sense.  On the other UK forum I use, a lady gave her Husband's suits away before the funeral and because she couldn't deal with seeing his favourite clothes she keeps them in the boot of her husband's car out of sight. It's a delicate matter isn't it.  I can't do it even after 6 months.  KMB is quite right about regrets.  I can imagine nothing worse than thinking I had kept something to then realise it's not here and I can't get it back.  As Francine says, you will be able to feel when you are in a good place emotionally to do this.  Take care.

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Ace,
I am so sorry, that is horrible!  I hope the theft is covered by insurance.  When George died, his ring that I gave him as a wedding present disappeared, as did his tools at work (worth thousands of dollars).  I figured out what happened to them but the police did nothing about it and I didn't get anything for the theft of tools because his idiotic job GAVE them to a coworker instead of us, his family!  My son drove 150 mile round trip to pick them up, all for naught!  It was illegal for them to do that but I did not have it in me to sue, I was still in shock from everything.  Having someone take advantage of you when you are at your most vulnerable is just horribly wrong.  There has to be a hot bed in hell for such if you ask me!

Take your time with her things, no hurry.  George's closet rod broke two weeks after he died so I boxed up his clothes at that time and gave them to a charity I knew he'd want them to go to (Sponsors...they help former inmates reintegrate into society), he always cared about the down-and-out-ers.  (It did feel strange when I went back there and saw someone come out of a room wearing his clothes.)  You're right, it feels weird seeing others wearing his things...I gave his favorite suede coat to my now son-in-law, but I knew he's want him to have it.  I relied largely on intuition (from him) to guide me in such decisions.  I kept his bathrobe and his fishing vest.  It took nine years but I gave his fishing hat to his best friend.  I sent one of his sweaters to each of his kids so they'd have something to hold, I gave his son his Bible because he didn't have one and I thought he'd likely keep George's.  I explained that to his daughter and I gave her his necklace...he and I had matching ones of a big bear and little bear that represented us and our love.  I also gave her his baptismal certificate and church membership certificate.  I'm leaving our wedding bands to my daughter and son when I'm gone.  My son got the tools that weren't stolen, which wasn't much.  Him and George were so close.  I believe you'll know what to do with what and when.  I had to sell his car to pay it off since I no longer had his income to do it with.  I gave his trailer to the man that sold it for me.  I gave our camping trailer to my son years later after he married.  There is no hurry about these things!

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Hello Ace,

I am so sorry about your loss and also about the vandalism and theft at your vacation home. The latter was despicable and I do hope they catch the perps. It just adds insult to injury.

Let me echo previous commenters that there is absolutely no rush at all. After what will for me be 8 years at the end of this month, I still have some of my husband's things in the house, and after this length of time I am with peace with those that remain here. I gave over these many years a number of his things to his brothers, his nephews, and to his good friends, but did it only when I felt comfortable with it. For example only, I gave his brother all his fishing gear and tackle and his camping gear and his boat to his brother, with whom he shared a passion for fishing and the great outdoors almost immediately after his death. I gave one of our neighbours (and our close friends) friends his tools and woodworking materials after about 6 months, because he was the go-to guy when my husband had a big job to do. I gave a number of his other various personal items and jewelry to people who were important to him in one way or another over the next few years, I gave many pieces of his jewelry, over time, to my daughter and son-in-law, and had his wedding ring (the match to mine) resized to fit my daughter and she wears it always. The important thing is to do what you think he would like you to do, and only when you are ready. His clothes went to a charity that he supported. And, as I say, I still come across some of his things, and I still have son]me things that he cherished that I will likely never part with.

My heart is with you, I hope you will live with peace and in the knowledge that whatever you do, you know what will be right when the time comes.

 

 

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AceBasin, I'm more than disgusted at the low life's who stole your possessions. Here's to hoping one of those idiots dropped a piece of very sturdy furniture on his foot, breaking every bone, causing him to let go of it, as he and a fellow scumbag carried it up a flight of stairs,  and once released, sweet justice in the form of that piece of furniture pummels his partner into jelly. 

I haven't moved much of anything my wife had. It took me 2 months to just take a cup, one she'd been drinking water from, out of the bathroom she collapsed in. I feel like if I move things or rearrange something, I'm erasing all traces of her existence. Her purse, clothes she had last folded, her blanket she used while on our couch, those are things SHE physically moved or put there, to undo those things would be too much for be. I've not given much away, only a small dresser I had given to my wife, for Christmas a few years back, was in turn given to our daughter. Our adopted daughter had asked for something she had worn, anything, but I still can't do it. I think the advice you've received so far has been on point. Take your time. Only give away or move things as you see fit. Think things through before finalizing a decision, the last thing you need is to regret an item sold or given away. 

Comfort to you, 

Andy

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Hello Andy. It may sound somewhat strange to someone who is not a member of this group, but when I walked into the house and saw what had happened, it barely registered with me. I am installing security cameras on our houses and it would not be pleasant for the next offender.

Everyone (thank you to all) has provided good advice about keeping items until you are ready. As you, I have moved very little. The one concession I have made: my wife insisted on eating on fine china with silver utensils. I have bought some nearly indestructible Correll that is dishwasher safe, microwave safe and can be dropped and bounce right back to you, and some equally durable stainless. I have also stocked up on paper plates and plastic utensils.

Otherwise, everything is the same.

It is strange and very sad lo login to Amazon and see the items she was about to order or Netflix and see the movies she was watching while her illness kept her awake.

As always, thank you and the other posters for your support.

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AceBasin,  Hang onto the very personal and special things. You will get comfort from the memories attached. About 16 years ago, I gave away some items passed onto me from my grandparents. At the time, I was living in a small mobile home with no storage space. A few years later, I came to deeply regret giving those things away. I've even spent time online scouring auction sites looking for replacements, which there are none and would not be the same anyway. Another lesson in life learned the hard way.

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Hello Ace, so sorry for all of your losses, including the peace of your vacation home. We know people are cruel sometimes, but I would have struggled with that one even more under the circumstances. 

Today marks five months since I lost my fiance, and it's the first day I wore his ring in a few weeks. It felt good to have it on today. So my point is...please try to do what feels right to you, whenever you can. Greg's things around me were a comfort for a few months, but they became grim reminders of what I lost, so I kept a few special ones and donated the rest.  The things I kept are tucked safely away, and I go through them when the sadness revisits. Thankfully not as often now. Take care.

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Hi Ace Basin,

I agree with what everyone else has said. When my husband's mother's second husband died from cancer about 4 years ago, she was so devastated, she kept everything of his for years. She just couldn't bring herself to get rid of any of them. He apparently slept in the spare room, which until she sold the house, was like a museum - everything was exactly as he had it in the bedroom.

My husband died just 2 months ago, and although he fought cancer for 10 months, and we knew the day would come when he would die, I had very mixed emotions about his things. I ended up getting rid of his clothes pretty much straight away (after some pieces given to relatives) to a charity shop. However, he had spent most of his life in the military in active service as a British paratrooper, and I can't possibly get rid of his military stuff. 

I've also kind of made the flat where we live a "shrine". I spent days finding second hand picture frames and printed out a lot of photos of him and us, trips away etc. I find this very comforting, as I look at them frequently, tell him how much I love and miss him, and generally have a chat with him. 

I went today to try and find a scrap type of book to make up a memorial type of book, (which I couldn't find) which I wanted to paste all his achievements, etc, throughout his life and our life together, including photos, newspaper cuttings, etc. I even came across his Army truck driving certificates from the British Army some 30 years prior. So all that sort of thing I'm keeping and when I'm a bit stronger, I will paste into a sort of memorial book. 

So basically for me, I'm unable to get rid of the things that were important to him and us, whereas the other stuff (such as clothes) I didn't find difficult to get rid of, except his military clothes, because the military was very important to him. I think, as others have said, it just depends on what feels right to you personally.

So sorry to hear your holiday house had been looted. That is just awful and such a blow and yet another thing you have to deal with. Sending you lots of cuddles and support. 

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There are some things I don't touch. The way my wife decorated our house will remain that way for any foreseeable future. I donated all her clothes right away as she wished for except for her wedding dress. At least the one from our civil marriage. The white wedding dress intended for our church wedding is the one she was cremated in, also following her wish.
There's not much she would call her own. Her jewelry belongs to her daughter now, but apart from that she didn't really have anything. The antique clock from her great grand mother is still ticking in our living room. The domestic appliances are still in use. All her documents, birthday cards etc. are still stored. The only things we gave away are pictures of friends and former partners she had.
Atm I don't see why I would part with anything that is left from her.

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soundmankeysman1

AceBasin,

 I agree with everyone, especially "His Monkey".  Here's my feeling:  I felt better after I changed around the house and got rid of some of my wife's stuff because keeping everything the same made it too obvious that she was the only thing missing/different.   When your bedroom is different (move the bed, change dresser, etc.), then the changes help you past the change of her not being there, at least for me.  I kept some special stuff of her's, but the rest triggered me too much to have around.  It is different for all of us, go with what your heart/intuition says.  It's all good.

Mike

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AceBasin, how awful! I am so sorry for your trouble on top of losing your wife. I know I could not have handled anything like that.  As for my husband's belongings....it's 8 months tomorrow and I've touched nothing. His toothbrush is still in the holder, his hat and jacket hanging where he left them etc. I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that he's not coming back. The stuff will wait. As with everything else on this hellish journey, whatever works for YOU is the right thing. Days, weeks, months or years,  there is no wrong "time". 

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An update: I have done very little with my wife's things, and probably will not for a while.Other than changing out the dishes, I have rearranged some pictures.

I very much appreciate your concern about the burglary and looting. I have a friend who is a law enforcement officer in that jurisdiction, and he told me that he had arrested five meth addicts who were responsible for a string of similar burglaries and that since their arrest, no burglaries have occurred.

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Thank goodness! That should bring some peace of mind. It is beyond sad what these people do to support their habit. It must truly be an awful life. 

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I have changed very little around here since he died.  I don't want to replace our loveseat recliner even though I could use a new one, because it was "ours" and means a lot to me/us.

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crownholder2

Hello AceBasin.Larry has been gone a little over 8 months.The only things I have given away were to my son.All his clothes are still in his closet.I just don't have the energy to pack them up and donate them.Plus,he was a small man and I don't know anyone his size.I cleaned out his sock and underwear drawers and thats all I've done.I have a CD from his funeral my grandson transferred to my computer and I set a slide-show at 30 sec.per picture.I find comfort mostly,as the pictures are spanning our 41 yrs together.The later pics hurt a lot as I see him disappearing from COPD.I see his weight and color change.You don't notice it as bad when it is happening daily.I haven't been in my picture drawer since my son died 18 yrs ago,so I am so grateful for the CD.I have things he got from his mom and I will keep them til I die and any other personal things I give to my son,who will get the small things his mom gave him.We are poor so there is no jewelry,cars,homes,nothing big.But he treasured the things from his mom.And I treasure him so...You must follow your heart and you will know when it is time.God bless you

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