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8 weeks today....what a difference my life is


Sharyn01

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When Michael passed 8 weeks ago today I didnt think life could take me any further down. Boy was I proved wrong. My weekend was horrible, trying to do things that need done and everything going wrong that could go wrong. Today while outside trying to enjoy the beautiful sunny weather, all I wanted to do was cry. Everywhere I looked there was something to remind me of Mike. I am so hoping as Spring turns into Summer that this eases some because I'm almost sure I cant take many more days like today. It definitely was the worse since the morning I found him gone.

At first I had my focus on fighting the VA (which I still do, but I have lost my mojo waiting....). I am starting to feel the hurt I pushed away for the first 8 weeks. I aint one to complain but I really am having a hard time focusing and managing to keep my mind quiet enough to remember to eat and such easy things I should remember anyway.Now I just want to sit and cry and ask why. I know this is part of the grieving process I am sure.

Thank you for being here to come to and type to when I am now finally losing my grip on my reality. It will get better so they say, but I seem to be getting worse now. I hope that this feeling leaves and lets me go back to where I was. I was doing so good or so I thought.

Key being, so I thought I guess.

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8 minutes ago, Sharyn01 said:

When Michael passed 8 weeks ago today I didnt think life could take me any further down. Boy was I proved wrong. My weekend was horrible, trying to do things that need done and everything going wrong that could go wrong. Today while outside trying to enjoy the beautiful sunny weather, all I wanted to do was cry. Everywhere I looked there was something to remind me of Mike. I am so hoping as Spring turns into Summer that this eases some because I'm almost sure I cant take many more days like today. It definitely was the worse since the morning I found him gone.

At first I had my focus on fighting the VA (which I still do, but I have lost my mojo waiting....). I am starting to feel the hurt I pushed away for the first 8 weeks. I aint one to complain but I really am having a hard time focusing and managing to keep my mind quiet enough to remember to eat and such easy things I should remember anyway.Now I just want to sit and cry and ask why. I know this is part of the grieving process I am sure.

Thank you for being here to come to and type to when I am now finally losing my grip on my reality. It will get better so they say, but I seem to be getting worse now. I hope that this feeling leaves and lets me go back to where I was. I was doing so good or so I thought.

Key being, so I thought I guess.

Sharyn01, you are doing "good". You're still here, you've made it to this point. I was exactly like you at the 5-8 week mark (I'm into my 4th month now), I thought I was doing ok-ish, but I was hit with a wave of despair that didn't seem like it was going to let go. But, it slowly eased off. I think as time goes on, we have these "flare ups" of such powerful sadness, but the frequency becomes less often. The intensity or how much we love and miss our beloveds NEVER change, but, out of necessity, we begin to cope better. It's almost like an addiction with the accompanying withdrawals. At first, being without our loved one is unbearable, hard to go from minute to minute. Then we start to have those moments of agony a tiny bit less, then a trigger comes along to remind us how miserable we are. Now, a day comes along where we are doing better than normal, maybe a couple of day, then we see something, hear something, a person or a place comes into view, and we go backwards to the day they passed. It starts over again, but this time, we're better equipped. This new normal is rubbish, but here we are. 

Sharyn01, you are alive. You will find a way, your way, and things will ease up some, not quickly, not as fast as we'd want, but it does happen. Our newfound loneliness doesn't have to entomb us, we can move forward. Not get over it, not forget, but moving in a direction that keeps you living and our beloveds so very proud of us. 

Peace and comfort to you, 

Andy

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Sharyn01,  This is not an easy road. I'm still on the roller coaster. I'll have an *ok* day, maybe 2 or even 3. Then, I crash for a day or 2. Coming back from a crash is getting easier. Andy brings up good points. This is kind of like an addiction with the withdrawals. We have to keep getting up and going on. I think about my husband even more so when I crash. He would be patient, kind and loving, but also be telling me to pull myself up, dust myself off and start again. It has been a one step forward, 2 back situation.  Now, that is it spring, well was, got 6 inches of the white stuff last night, but I was getting out and doing yard work. I wasn't pushing it like years past, just taking my time. Lord knows I have plenty of time, so I space some chores out.

You are doing well, Sharyn. It takes a lot of patience for yourself and many stops and starts. When I was at 8 weeks, the shock was wearing off and denial and reality were my new challenges. Conflicting emotions I have been fighting with. The denial is no longer there, but reality is still a sucker punch everyday. Loneliness is the worst of this.

We are here for you, Sharyn. Keep putting one foot in front of the other! (HUGS)

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Sharyn,

It is a hard road, many ups and downs, not for the fainthearted as they say, but none of us get asked if we're up to it, we're just hit.  Keep taking care of yourself, let yourself cry the tears, fight when you're up to it, take a break when you're not.  We're here for you.

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Thanks everyone. I just dont feel like I am dealing with it as well. Maybe it is the shock wearing off and denial is taking place. I do know I am not functioning at the level I was up until thelast week or so. Its like my world crashing all over again. I am trying to remember I promissed not alot of tears, I would brush myself off and go on. But all these decisions and having to think about buying things he wanted for himself that we never got around to buying. It now seems like in order for me to survive like I did, (we use a woodstove, and his saw quit working and I took it to shop he used and they told me they wouldnt guarantee they could get parts, the saw is so old. And he always wanted a log splitter, well if I am going to continue using the woodstove as my heat source then I am going to have to buy a log splitter and a new saw). I just cant make these kinds of decisions. I know nothing about either one and I have no one to advise me on how to go about it that I trust to give me good advice. I just cant do it!

I want to be strong like he wanted me to be, but I just dont have it in me anymore. I tried and I failed miseribly.

 

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On 4/10/2017 at 8:08 PM, Sharyn01 said:

When Michael passed 8 weeks ago today I didnt think life could take me any further down. Boy was I proved wrong. My weekend was horrible, trying to do things that need done and everything going wrong that could go wrong. Today while outside trying to enjoy the beautiful sunny weather, all I wanted to do was cry. Everywhere I looked there was something to remind me of Mike. I am so hoping as Spring turns into Summer that this eases some because I'm almost sure I cant take many more days like today. It definitely was the worse since the morning I found him gone.

I aint one to complain but I really am having a hard time focusing and managing to keep my mind quiet enough to remember to eat and such easy things I should remember anyway.Now I just want to sit and cry and ask why. I know this is part of the grieving process I am sure.

I am sorry your day didn't go well for you; I get those days quite often. When I suddenly think I've gone two steps ahead, guess what? - that darn 'Grief' pulls me back 3 steps.  It likes to show its ugly head and displays no mercy or takes any prisoners.   Grief disrupted your entire life; it comes from within and doesn't leave one particle of your life untouched; its consuming; your body changes; you might even experience a shortness of breath or rapid heart beat.(I certainly have)   Food doesn't taste the same.  The frequency of tears will cloud your vision and your sleep patterns won't be the same.  I imagine the disruption will decrease in time, but recovery is not a smooth, straightforward path; it's a forward-backward dance.  As painful as grief is, it is not a disorder, a disease or a sign of weakness.  It is an emotional, physical and spiritual necessity and its only cure is grieving.

I hope God's tender loving care help soften your grief and may you find comfort and peace.  Remember not just that your husband died, but that he lived and that his life gave you memories too beautiful to forget.  God bless and  keep you, keep us all, safe.

 

 

 

 

 

 
 

 

 

 

 

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On 11/04/2017 at 11:08 AM, Sharyn01 said:

When Michael passed 8 weeks ago today I didnt think life could take me any further down. Boy was I proved wrong. My weekend was horrible, trying to do things that need done and everything going wrong that could go wrong. Today while outside trying to enjoy the beautiful sunny weather, all I wanted to do was cry. Everywhere I looked there was something to remind me of Mike. I am so hoping as Spring turns into Summer that this eases some because I'm almost sure I cant take many more days like today. It definitely was the worse since the morning I found him gone.

At first I had my focus on fighting the VA (which I still do, but I have lost my mojo waiting....). I am starting to feel the hurt I pushed away for the first 8 weeks. I aint one to complain but I really am having a hard time focusing and managing to keep my mind quiet enough to remember to eat and such easy things I should remember anyway.Now I just want to sit and cry and ask why. I know this is part of the grieving process I am sure.

Thank you for being here to come to and type to when I am now finally losing my grip on my reality. It will get better so they say, but I seem to be getting worse now. I hope that this feeling leaves and lets me go back to where I was. I was doing so good or so I thought.

Key being, so I thought I guess.

Hi Sharyn,

I've just joined this forum and came to your post. I'm in exactly the same situation as you. My beloved husband died precisely 2 months ago today, and I thought by now I would be starting to improve. Not so, each week I am getting worse and worse, to the point that I'm finding it difficult to do anything at all. The flat looks like a tip, the washing and ironing is piling up - I can barely muster the strength to feed the cats and the dog, it is a major effort. 

Each day is horrible. I endured my husband's birthday, then our wedding anniversary and him dying just 8 weeks ago today, it's all just too much. I hate the way good meaning friends and relatives tell me "it'll get better", "be strong", "he'd expect you to pull yourself together", etc, etc. It just makes me feel worse and more of a failure. I can't get through a day without bursting into tears over and over. Even driving in the car reduces me to tears, typing this makes me cry.

I've lost 11 kgs since his death, which now being only 53 kgs I can't afford to lose too much more, but I just can't seem to eat more than a mouthful or two a day, which makes me feel even worse. People I don't even know but who have seen me frequently over the years (the staff at the local supermarket for example) comment on how much weight I've lost and ask if I'm ill. Winter has started here, it's cold, the days are shorter, which only impacts on my misery. I can't even be bothered to sort the wood for the fire. Everything is just too hard. I long for the day when this turns around and I don't feel so bad. 

I wonder if psychologically I'm mimicking the last month or so of his cancer, where he didn't eat and became so weak. I wouldn't contemplate suicide (well, I haven't so far anyway) but wonder if subconsciously I just don't care and hope to die to be with him on the other side. 

So I fully understand what you are going through, I feel exactly the same. 

(What is the "angel date?" I tried to find something about it on the forum but couldn't.) 

 

 

 

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4 hours ago, Panda said:

Hi Panda:

(What is the "angel date?" I tried to find something about it on the forum but couldn't.) 

I took it to mean the day the person passed and thats the date I put in that spot.

Our winter is finally becoming Spring and life is beginning again all around me. But I keep falling apart. My mind keeps saying I cant do this, but I keep trying to do it anyway. Some days are better than others. Some days I barely get just what has to be done done (taking care of the animals has to be done, for example). My laundry gets done when I finally run out of clothes. The house gets straightened when I cant stand the mess any more. This wasnt like this until recently. I mean I did go for about a week or week and a half and didnt even come in my house except to put wood in the fire, use the bathroom or go to bed. I sat on my porch because I couldnt be in the house.

I thought I finally got it together, to go and lose it again. In one aspect, I am glad I dont have many visitors because I dont like to show emotion, but on the flip side of that coin, maybe visitors would make me think about something else, other than all this stuff I cant bring myself to do. I never realized how much Mike did outside and around here until he wasnt here to do it anymore and its now fell on my shoulders to do. I cant even begin to comphrend all the mowing and things that need done as Spring progresses because that in itself was an all day job for him, I imagine its going to take me longer but I will get it done somehow I am sure.

 

 

 

 

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No, you haven't failed anybody or anything, Sharyn.  Your mind, body and soul are going through the toughest, emotional anguish that you will ever have to experience and adjust to.  It does get easier.  Some days we just have to say bugger everything, and give ourselves permission to feel sorry for ourselves, wrap ourselves in a warm blanket and spend time just letting go and feeling our pain. 

I understand how overwhelming issues like your broken saw and firewood can be. Would it be possible to have someone split the wood for you?  Or perhaps buy a load already split?   And well done you for even taking the saw into the shop!  I'm sure your husband would be very proud of you for doing so. 

Having to suddenly learn about and carry out basic maintanance on home and car is a struggle and emotionally draining for us women when we haven't had to do it 'all' before, or maybe not for many years.  I suggest only do what's neccessary and don't turn down any offers of help.   

I don't have much of an appetite either but it is important we eat healthy so I graze on easy healthy foods like hummus, cottage cheese, yogurt, pickles, ham, baked potatoes and the likes.  Also vitamin tablets. 

I hope today is easier for you, Sharyn.

Sending strength and hugs your way. 

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Are you on the land Sharyn?  We used to have 20 acres. I bred Jersey cows and had the usual farmyard animals.

 

I get what you mean about your husband doing so much work.  I now understand why my partner was always so busy! 

Is it possible to pay someone to do your lawns. I don't have much lawn but have a local handyman do mine once a fortnight.  It's a big load off my shoulders.  

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Visitors and ph calls got me through my darkest hours.  And reading the symathy cards each day. 

I don't get so many visitors now which is ok.  Really appreciate family and friends phoning in the evenings though. 

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Hi Panda, I am sorry for your loss.  Losing a partner is unbelievably tough. Honestly, you haven't failed.  This is grief. Tears are healing.  Never be ashamed or embarrassed about them.  I've cried in the most unexpected public places and had the most unexpected people hug, and cry with me.  

I didn't know people who've lost a partner go through such similar emotions until I started reading on this forum

This is a safe, supportive place to be.  There are lots of very wise people here. 

I'm in NZ so like you going into winter.  I find the long cosy nights more comforting than the long bright days.  I'm still just enduring each day but I do feel better putting on nice pj's after a long shower and into my cosy bed.  With soft lighting.  We kinda need to indulge ourselves to help us through this horrible pain.  

As I said to Sharyn, I don't have much of an appetite either but we do need to eat nutritious food - even if only a little bit at a time. 

Sending strength and hugs.

 

 

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Sharyn,

If you get a splitter, look for one that is vertical as well as horizontal.  I had one but passed it on to my son as I buy my firewood now.

You made the promise not to shed a lot of tears before either of you knew what it was like and can't be held to that.  If you'd died he would have cried too so let yourself off the hook with that one.  Tears are a release and Lord knows you could use some release.

Self care is very important now more than ever, so as M88 said, remember to eat something healthy.  I make kale smoothies, a good way to get down fruit and vegetables (kale, celery, applesauce, bananas, rhubarb).  Also spinach smoothies (strawberries, bananas, spinach, protein mix, yogurt, granola), it not only tastes good but has all the food groups.

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8 hours ago, Panda said:

What is the "angel date?"

It is the date our loved one passed away.
Welcome to this site, you've found a good place with caring people.  I'm sorry for your loss, I know it's the hardest thing we can go through, but take it a day at a time and try not to think too far ahead (the rest of your life is too much to contemplate).  One foot in front of the other.  Two months is not long enough to "feel better", this is a long journey but it does evolve and eventually the intensity of pain will change to a dull ache of continuing to miss him...always with you but easier to carry than the initial pain we find ourselves in upon their death.

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Panda,  I am sorry for your loss and having to join this unwanted club. But, here we are, out of necessity, looking for an outlet to express ourselves among others who truly understand our pain. Like KayC said, 2 months is not long enough to feel *better*. I don't know if we will ever feel *better*, but it will get easier to bear over time. At 2 months, I was still in shock. Totally despondent. I didn't care about the state of the house. Like you, I only did laundry when I was out of clean clothes. I would spend a lot of time hiding out in bed, skipping showers, skipping food, skipping life as much as possible. When the shock wore off, I was facing denial. Another emotion that had the same effects. I found myself praying and begging, pleading with God that this was a nightmare and that my husband would return. Around the 6 month mark, denial wore out and reality showed up. The passage of time helps with the evolving of this lonely, unwanted process. My biggest support and help has come through this forum and all the amazing, caring people here. My own self help and pep talks have helped me also. I wish for my husband to be proud of me for carrying on the rest of my journey. My consolation is that when it is my turn, my reward will be my reunion with my husband in spirit.

Prayers and hugs to you.

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8 hours ago, Sharyn01 said:
8 hours ago, Sharyn01 said:

 

(What is the "angel date?" I tried to find something about it on the forum but couldn't.) 

I took it to mean the day the person passed and thats the date I put in that spot.

Our winter is finally becoming Spring and life is beginning again all around me. But I keep falling apart. My mind keeps saying I cant do this, but I keep trying to do it anyway. Some days are better than others. Some days I barely get just what has to be done done (taking care of the animals has to be done, for example). My laundry gets done when I finally run out of clothes. The house gets straightened when I cant stand the mess any more. This wasnt like this until recently. I mean I did go for about a week or week and a half and didnt even come in my house except to put wood in the fire, use the bathroom or go to bed. I sat on my porch because I couldnt be in the house.

I thought I finally got it together, to go and lose it again. In one aspect, I am glad I dont have many visitors because I dont like to show emotion, but on the flip side of that coin, maybe visitors would make me think about something else, other than all this stuff I cant bring myself to do. I never realized how much Mike did outside and around here until he wasnt here to do it anymore and its now fell on my shoulders to do. I cant even begin to comphrend all the mowing and things that need done as Spring progresses because that in itself was an all day job for him, I imagine its going to take me longer but I will get it done somehow I am sure.

 

Hi again Sharyn,

Thanks for your post. It did help me to understand that I am not alone. It takes me all my strength and energy just to have a shower now - and then I only bother if I feel I have to - because I know I have to go out for example. Each day I too feel like I'm falling apart. My emotions change at the drop of a hat - it's unbearable. 

I'm in a very similar position to you. There was nothing my husband couldn't do or didn't turn his hand to. He was a mechanic by trade, and a real Mr Fixit Man. If something broke, he could fix it, even if he didn't know how, he'd work it out from google or just by pulling something apart and working it out from there. I feel so lost without him now. 

I understand about your comment about visitors too. Sometimes when visitors come, I get so annoyed, because I just don't want to see or talk to anyone else, but on the other hand, it does seem to make me feel a bit better, by forcing me to interact with them. 

I'm sending you lots of healing hugs in the hope that it at the very least makes you smile and I hope your days start to get a bit easier.

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7 hours ago, M88 said:

Hi Panda, I am sorry for your loss.  Losing a partner is unbelievably tough. Honestly, you haven't failed.  This is grief. Tears are healing.  Never be ashamed or embarrassed about them.  I've cried in the most unexpected public places and had the most unexpected people hug, and cry with me.  

I didn't know people who've lost a partner go through such similar emotions until I started reading on this forum

This is a safe, supportive place to be.  There are lots of very wise people here. 

I'm in NZ so like you going into winter.  I find the long cosy nights more comforting than the long bright days.  I'm still just enduring each day but I do feel better putting on nice pj's after a long shower and into my cosy bed.  With soft lighting.  We kinda need to indulge ourselves to help us through this horrible pain.  

As I said to Sharyn, I don't have much of an appetite either but we do need to eat nutritious food - even if only a little bit at a time. 

Sending strength and hugs.

 

 

Thanks M88,

Yes, the crying is unbelievable. I can't even hold it together when I have to go to the local shops. Like you, I had no idea how badly this experience affects people. I was thinking about this yesterday. When I used to hear of someone who had lost their husband or wife after being together for so many years, bringing up children together, etc, I would say the usual heartfelt condolences, and then never really give it another thought. How selfish I now feel! Although it's such a common and natural process of life, the impact is incredible on the spouse who is left behind. But unless you've experienced it yourself, you really don't have a clue.

It's getting colder and colder here at night. Most nights I just can't be bothered lighting the fire, despite freezing cold and wishing I had bothered when it's so cold in the early hours and I can't sleep. The thing I can't comprehend is that all last year when my husband was sick from cancer, having chemo and radiation, etc, I did everything without a problem and would have easily and happily done it for another 10 years if necessary. And yet look at me now. It is so frustrating. 

Thanks for the tip on eating. My brother (who has been incredibly supportive, so I'm really blessed in that regard) comes to visit and makes me a good hearty soup. I actually made the effort to make some yesterday and couldn't believe that I haven't cooked one single meal for about 3 months. I used to love cooking but now it just seems pointless and it's so difficult to muster the motivation. My brother says I should start cooking again as I used to be a good cook, but I don't want to cook for myself - I used to do it for my husband because he loved it and now that he is gone, I can't find the interest. 

Thanks for your support, I hope each day gets a bit better for you too. 

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5 hours ago, KayC said:

It is the date our loved one passed away.
Welcome to this site, you've found a good place with caring people.  I'm sorry for your loss, I know it's the hardest thing we can go through, but take it a day at a time and try not to think too far ahead (the rest of your life is too much to contemplate).  One foot in front of the other.  Two months is not long enough to "feel better", this is a long journey but it does evolve and eventually the intensity of pain will change to a dull ache of continuing to miss him...always with you but easier to carry than the initial pain we find ourselves in upon their death.

Hi Kay,

Thanks, that's the date I've now put in. 

Thanks for your wishes. You are right, it is definitely the hardest thing we have to go through. I'm trying to take one day at a time, but each day sucks so badly. I managed to get a few hours sleep last night and awoke around 5 after having a bad dream about him.  I actually started having bad dreams that he left me for another woman, or that he would ignore me, or something similar about 3 months before he died, and he used to say that I was having them because my subconscious was preparing me for his death, or something like that. 

I'm now learning that 2 months is not long enough. I just thought things would start to get better, not worse. I still can't believe he's not here. This is the longest time we have ever been apart and it's unbearable. Some days I try to pretend that he's gone away on a trip and he'll be back but it doesn't work. 

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4 hours ago, KMB said:

Panda,  I am sorry for your loss and having to join this unwanted club. But, here we are, out of necessity, looking for an outlet to express ourselves among others who truly understand our pain. Like KayC said, 2 months is not long enough to feel *better*. I don't know if we will ever feel *better*, but it will get easier to bear over time. At 2 months, I was still in shock. Totally despondent. I didn't care about the state of the house. Like you, I only did laundry when I was out of clean clothes. I would spend a lot of time hiding out in bed, skipping showers, skipping food, skipping life as much as possible. When the shock wore off, I was facing denial. Another emotion that had the same effects. I found myself praying and begging, pleading with God that this was a nightmare and that my husband would return. Around the 6 month mark, denial wore out and reality showed up. The passage of time helps with the evolving of this lonely, unwanted process. My biggest support and help has come through this forum and all the amazing, caring people here. My own self help and pep talks have helped me also. I wish for my husband to be proud of me for carrying on the rest of my journey. My consolation is that when it is my turn, my reward will be my reunion with my husband in spirit.

Prayers and hugs to you.

Thank you so much KMB. I feel exactly what you have described. I am so glad I found this forum, otherwise I think I may just sit in the corner drinking or something similar.

That too is my consolation - my husband said that he would be waiting for me by hook or by crook, so I'm hoping against all the odds that when I die we will be together again. Life is just unbearable without him. 

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I've heard a lot of people say year two is worse than year one.  Don't panic though because it's individual, not everyone is the same.  I think I felt a sense of relief that I'd survived "the years of firsts without", or at least that I deserved a medal or something.  Year two went pretty much the same as year one minus the shock.  I don't think anything could be as bad as finding out my husband died and the days ahead.  But learning to live without him in my life, that was hard and took way longer than I could imagine.  It's STILL hard to do even though I've gotten used to the fact that I live alone, no one here to care about me, and everything in my life is up to me to figure out by myself whether it's trying to get a job during the recession or have surgery and recuperate without help, or how to pay for and hire contractors for a leaking roof.  I've had to go it all alone, but it's also been confidence building and I've learned a lot along the way.  I'd have him back in a heartbeat if only I could!

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KayC, You do deserve a medal. I think you are the longest survivor of this grief journey here. You've been a shining example to the rest of us that we CAN do this! Learning to live alone without our soulmate has been quite a lonely challenge. It is a confidence, self-esteem builder. Maybe that is why we are still here. For this type of learning lesson. The meaning of life is to learn to give and receive love. I've have/ had that, so, maybe my life lesson is also to learn to be independent. We are born with our own identities and a separate purpose in this life. I was content and happy as a wife and thought that was my purpose. My husband had his own identity outside of being my husband, but I placed him and our life as my priority. I was being the best wife possible taking care of him and our home and our together life. I guess God wishes for me to find my true identity now.

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Today, exactly 2 months ago, I lost the only person that could ever get me. Its been a nightmare today, lots and lots of tears, even more questioning why. I keep trying to do things to wear me out so I can go to sleep and wake up to a fresh day tomorrow and so far nothing has came close. I even resorted to taking the Zanax the dr gave me right after it happened to calm me down enough so I could get the tears to stop for a little while to make it easier to breathe.

I know that there is no easy way but straight through this, but I wish I could go a little faster through it (kinda like barreling through a big mud puddle when 4 wheeling). I been told how well I am doing, but the truth is, I only let people see what I want them to see. I cant now or ever have been able to show emotions in front of people, so I am really glad that there was no visitors today because I wouldnt of opened the door.

I know I havent traveled into this journey long enough for it to be over, but oh I wish I have that way at least the heart wrenching pain will be gone. I dont know how I can keep this up, the griever shuffle (2 steps forward, 4 backwards). I feel like I am losing my mind more days than not. I feel so upset with myself for being this way, but I dont know how to get a grip on my emotions anymore. I have always held them and only let them out when I wanted to. Its what got me to where I was before Mike passed away and now I can't even do it anymore.

I think the fact that I still have to do the Celebration of Life is not helping any. I have so much planning to do yet and not even starting because every time I think about it, I know that will be almost the end of him still being here. His sister is upset because I refuse to bury his ashes the day of the thing but I know that he wouldnt want me to have all those people up in his private area. He was so particular about who was allowed up there anyway and I just feel I would be doing something he doesnt want by allowing all the people that want to go to go.

When he passed away, I said I wanted to wait until it was warm and the weather could be better predicted so that I could plan for a day that we could do what he wanted. But I am not ready for all that yet. He wanted a cookout outside with a bonfire and lots of stories told about the stupid stuff he done. There wont be any shortage of those stories. My Mike did alot of stuff that if you weren't there, you would of never believed it.

Once again, thank you all for listening (reading what I wrote) when I am losing my mind. I cant offer any advice to anyone at this moment, because I dont even know how I am doing it, getting through each day.

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Sharyn01,. You are not losing your mind. Everything you are feeling is completely "normal" . This is our new normal, for a while anyway. I am 3 and a half months in and feeling just so exhausted. This is a huge test of my faith. I don't want to lose hope. I know in my mind things will get better but my heart doesn't feel that yet. I guess we just need to go through each day as it comes and keep telling ourselves "I will be ok". It's just such a long, hard, painful, lonely road. 

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Sharyn,  You are doing as well as can be expected at this time. It certainly does feel like we are losing our mind. I've paced the rooms of the house here so many times it is a wonder I haven't worn out the flooring. The mind fills with the chaos of complex emotions. We are imprisoned with pain and there seems to be no escape.

I'm at 8 months today. I reflect back to where you are. I still have plenty of crazy, sobbing times, but, to be honest, it has gotten a little easier. The mind does its job and is adapting to my loss and a different way of existing. I'm not *living* as I was before my husband left our life. That, I feel, will never be again. Existing is the term I apply to myself. I'm still numb in some respects, my heart is heavy with sadness. A dark cloud shadows me. I have a list of projects to keep me busy. Things I need to do and want to do to make this process easier for those that I will leave behind someday. It is a goal, as morbid as it sounds. Purge the excess from the house and get my own affairs in order. I'm going on 58 and the loss of my husband has me thinking of my own mortality. He went suddenly. I don't know how many tomorrows I have. I've learned the hard way. There have been a few moments I've caught myself smiling. A memory pops in of my husband. I'm usually outside when I feel calmer and maybe smile. Watching the dog running after a squirrel. Animals live in the moment. They are so lucky to have that ability. It is a good lesson from animals. Live in the moment.

Hope your days get easier, Sharyn. (HUGS)-----Sorry I rambled.

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I wish I could give you a big hug and tell you that everything is going to be okay, even though I don't know if it will be, as we are very similar at the moment.

All I can offer is don't rush into anything. I made the mistaken in my initial grief I gave a few of his things to his daughter and son, which weren't in his Will and am now wishing I hadn't acted so impulsively. 

With regards to visitors coming. I've found a good way of stopping them if you don't want to see them. I pull all the blinds down and across in the flat, which to friends and relatives means "back off, I'm not coping well today and need some space alone". It works really well. Other friends I text on a bad day asking them not to come around as I'm feeling a bit too fragile to receive visitors.

You may feel that you are losing your mind, but rest assured you are not. We have a long, hard road ahead of us. It's really irritating when the doctor/psychologist says "what you are going through is normal ..." etc. I find that so unhelpful. 

The worst thing I'm experiencing at the moment (or actually one of many "worse" things) is everything I dream about him. I find this totally devastating, as the dreams are so real. I quite often wake up sobbing for hours before I can get any relief and get more sleep. Even then, the dreams plague me throughout the day, affecting my moods.

Love and kisses to you

 

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Panda, I'm sorry you are going through this hell. If there was a way to bring everyone's loved one back, I would.   If your dreams are good ones, very vivid and realistic, could be communication dreams. Your husband's way of connecting and letting you know he is still with you.  In the beginning with my dreams, I would wake up sobbing, having that knowing that I had been with him, but was unable to stay. The dreams bring me comfort now.

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No, they are not good dreams. Last night I dreamt he was with his ex wife and they were laughing at me. Was in a state all day as a result. I long for good, comforting dreams, but they don't come. 

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Panda, I'm sorry for the bad dreams. Our minds are messed up and self-doubt plays a part. We question everything we thought was good and right. I've had bad dreams too along with the good ones. The nightmares stemmed from my feelings of failure. I was my husband's caregiver his last several years. Did I do enough? Was there more that could have been done to keep him here?  In those nightmares, I was still taking care of my husband, trying to fix him. I've gotten better at putting those feelings of guilt and failure behind me. They serve no realistic purpose except to keep me in misery. i did my best and my husband told me himself shortly before he passed how appreciative he was for my care.

Panda, Your loss is fresh. The good dreams will come in time. (HUGS)

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18 hours ago, KMB said:

Panda, I'm sorry for the bad dreams. Our minds are messed up and self-doubt plays a part. We question everything we thought was good and right. I've had bad dreams too along with the good ones. The nightmares stemmed from my feelings of failure. I was my husband's caregiver his last several years. Did I do enough? Was there more that could have been done to keep him here?  In those nightmares, I was still taking care of my husband, trying to fix him. I've gotten better at putting those feelings of guilt and failure behind me. They serve no realistic purpose except to keep me in misery. i did my best and my husband told me himself shortly before he passed how appreciative he was for my care.

Panda, Your loss is fresh. The good dreams will come in time. (HUGS)

Thanks KMB. Yes, it is very hard. I can't remember if I mentioned this previously, but for a good 3 months I would have the most horrible dreams about my husband. Things like him meeting other women and totally ignoring me, showing me contempt and acting like he didn't even know me let alone care. When he was still alive I would wake up sobbing. Oh course he reassured me, told me how much he loved me and was sorry for all the hassle I was causing him (which to me was no hassle at all - would have continued for ever and a day, if I had to). He felt it was a way of my mind readying me for his inevitable death. But I still couldn't understand why they were such horrid dreams. I'm seeing a psychologist in a couple of weeks, so it will be interesting what she has to say about it. 

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Panda, I feel your husband was right. Your subconscious mind was most likely preparing you. What a horrendous way our mind works. I'm glad you will be seeing a psychologist. She will be able to help you set your mind at peace. (HUGS)

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bradley1985
On 4/15/2017 at 6:41 AM, Panda said:

Thanks KMB. Yes, it is very hard. I can't remember if I mentioned this previously, but for a good 3 months I would have the most horrible dreams about my husband. Things like him meeting other women and totally ignoring me, showing me contempt and acting like he didn't even know me let alone care. When he was still alive I would wake up sobbing. Oh course he reassured me, told me how much he loved me and was sorry for all the hassle I was causing him (which to me was no hassle at all - would have continued for ever and a day, if I had to). He felt it was a way of my mind readying me for his inevitable death. But I still couldn't understand why they were such horrid dreams. I'm seeing a psychologist in a couple of weeks, so it will be interesting what she has to say about it. 

I would not read anything into dreams myself.  I have had them every night since my wife died and at first I thought they meant something.  Perhaps the very first ones with incredible clarity did mean something  but since then its just a lot of garbage.  Good ones.  Bad ones. Terrible ones.  Horror ones.  friendly ones.  on and on and on. 

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It's easy to say, but hard to do. They are more like nightmares. I had a horrible dream the other night that I was in the back of the car with my father who was dead and frozen, and my husband Tony was in the front seat, also dead and frozen. I touched my father and he melted and came back to life, but Tony was still dead. I felt a lot of connection between my father and my husband because they were both in the para regiment in the UK. My father obviously in WWII, whereupon he got shot by a sniper and captured by the Germans in an operation called Market Garden in Arnhem. I found his medals the other day that Tony had had framed and inscribed. It was such a lovely thought I thought at the time, so it means even more to me now and I've hung them back up.

My brother and his girlfriend (who are incredibly supportive) came for the weekend, as they have done for every weekend since Tony died. They took me to the movies. It was a movie about WWII and soldiers, dying, etc, lovers being separated by death. I couldn't handle it, I had to walk out and spent the rest of the night in tears. My husband loved everything military and was an expert on war history - we always watched things like that together, but I just can't bear to watch anything like that now. It was the most torturous night. My brother's girlfriend said she realised once the move started, showing the soldiers, making bullets, bombing raids, etc, that it was a mistake and she realised why I walked out. She was very apologetic. I said it wasn't her fault, I just couldn't cope with watching it.

I just wish things would start to improve. I feel like such a loser. I should be coping better than I am. 

 

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You may feel like it but you're not.  No, you shouldn't be coping better, this takes more time and effort than anyone can imagine.  We all do well to get through the day.  And then get up and do it all over again.  Try to let go of such expectations and be very patient and understanding of yourself, the same as you would with a friend going through it.

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Panda, I'm sorry that your night out at the movie turned into an emotional trigger. You did make the attempt though, a tiny baby step, give yourself credit for trying. That is what this journey is made of, many attempts at trying, for trying is all we can do. Eventually, many of those attempts will be successful.

Please do not be so hard on yourself. You are still fresh in this process and coping better than you think you are. I appreciate the fact your brother and his girlfriend spend the weekends with you. Family support is so important for our well being. Adapting, processing our loss can take many months. Take care of yourself. Like KayC just said, be patient. This is by far not something to be rushed through if you want to come through the other side a whole, loving, giving person.

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Thanks for your encouragement KayC and KMB. I just never realised how difficult this would be. It's such a natural process (whereupon one partner usually dies before the other) and having been a terminal illness, meaning it was expected, I just somehow thought it would be easier. I coped brilliantly throughout his illness, looking after him, etc, and even his death at the time I coped pretty well with. It just all seems to go further downhill. I just can't fathom it. I went through some old photos today of our younger days and on the one hand they made me so happy because we were so happy, on the other hand, they made me incredibly sad because our life together has now ended. It's so confusing. It makes me question life, its purpose and whether I will ever get to be with him again at some stage in the future. I'm also wrestling with guilt - did I make enough effort, could I have done things differently? It just sucks period. 

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Panda, You're right, it all just sucks. As loving, giving humans, with hearts filled with emotions, feelings, we are never prepared. When it comes to losing someone, whether by a long illness or suddenly, the mind loses its ability to function logically. It becomes total chaos due to the traumatic, emotional blow. You were a caregiver to your husband. You thought you were coping well and you were at that given time because you knew your husband depended on you. He was still alive. Logically, you knew he was going to be leaving this life, but emotionally, your heart didn't know or acknowledge it. I went through the same ordeal with my husband. I was his caregiver and we both understood the reality of his health conditions. My husband was as prepared for his end of life wishes as possible to make it easier for me. He had a will and our financial accounts were set up jointly .What neither of us could find it inside of ourselves to do was to have a heart to heart about how I was supposed to do the rest of my life. We were each trying to spare the others feelings by not bringing more pain into an already painful time.In hindsight, I wish we had that talk. I'm so lost and very lonely without him.

Losing someone is unfathomable. Accepting their absence and dealing with that daily reality is devastating. We expect life to go along what we consider a natural order. Great grandparents, grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, ourselves ( after a long, loving marriage into old age )then our children and grandchildren, etc. Life is random obviously and doesn't go according to how we have it all mapped out in our minds.

You will be reunited with your husband again as we will all be reunited with our spouses/partners. We just have to wait and continue on with our lives until life picks us randomly.

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2 hours ago, Panda said:

Thanks for your encouragement KayC and KMB. I just never realised how difficult this would be. It's such a natural process (whereupon one partner usually dies before the other) and having been a terminal illness, meaning it was expected, I just somehow thought it would be easier. I coped brilliantly throughout his illness, looking after him, etc, and even his death at the time I coped pretty well with. It just all seems to go further downhill. I just can't fathom it. I went through some old photos today of our younger days and on the one hand they made me so happy because we were so happy, on the other hand, they made me incredibly sad because our life together has now ended. It's so confusing. It makes me question life, its purpose and whether I will ever get to be with him again at some stage in the future. I'm also wrestling with guilt - did I make enough effort, could I have done things differently? It just sucks period. 

Panda, your pain is so evident in your words, I see some of your trials in my own journey. Looking at photos that capture "better" days are so difficult, because as you say, they are of healthier, more carefree days, yet, like in my case, those days had largely vanished long before my wife passed. Looking at those pictures only drive home that she will never have the chance to recapture some of her health, to become the happy, carefree girl she once was. 

Guilt is about the most vicious monster in the menagerie of guilt, it doesn't need facts or reasons, it just tears at us from within. Should I have forced her to go to the ER? Should I have called 911 sooner? Did I remember to apologize after every argument I'd ever had with her? Was there something I should've said but didn't? It goes on and on, but we have to see it for what it is. Guilt implies responsibility and that implies control, and that is something we do not have. And it's hard admitting that, it was for me certainly. I have a daughter who now instead of telling her that "I'll be here forever", I have to say "I'll be here as long as I'm able". I'm husband, dad, son, I need to be in control, how else do I protect the ones I love? I do as much as I can but realize that my "power" is very limited.

I couldn't save my wife. As she complained of about her stomach hurting, a stomach ache for Gods sake, she was literally dying before the ambulance got to my house. That fills me with so much self doubt, why didn't I simply maje her go, instead of asking her and she said "no", twice. Her legs had stopped working when I finally called, she was laying in the bathroom, unable to stand, she cried for me to help her, and I couldn't! I couldn't do a thing to save my wife. I looked into her terrified eyes and knew that terror was reflected back at her. For the first time in nearly 25 years of marriage, I was scared. I still have horrible episodes from the memory of that day. It's as vivid as the day it happened. Her fright, her tears, they crush me in an avalanche of guilt and despair. The person I spent my adult life taking care of, in her most desperate hour, I was helpless. I will carry that until I'm no more. I still hear her crying my name, I see her helpless on the floor, I still feel that wrenching pull of my soul being twisted as I realized that something terrible was happening to my sweet darling wife and I couldn't do a thing about it. I know guilt. I know it well, and I still struggle with it. In my "mind" I know I couldn't know what was going on, I couldn't know that this mere stomach ache was far, far more than that. My "heart" though, oh no. It doesn't know, it only knows that I was powerless as my wife was dying, and I couldn't save the mother of our little girl, the woman I was going to spend the rest of my days with. 6 hours and 42 minutes later she was gone. As I had been powerless in my home, so I was as the doctor told me she didn't make it. 

Dont let guilt take hold of you. Fight it with everything you have. It's unfair how it fights, it gets to play the "what if" game with you, and it's a losing game. Don't play it. Ignore it, scream at it, replace it with gratitude and memories or the fact that you are human, not a sorcerer with healing magic, you aren't responsible for his passing, you loved him the best you could and that's all ANY of us can do. 

I'm thinking of you, peace and comfort,

Andy

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3 hours ago, Andy said:

I couldn't save my wife

Andy

I to am 45 and lost my wife. I know you have reed my thread. I just wanted to say I to couldn't save my wife. We were in Guam when she woke up early not feeling right. So I helped her walk to the living room were she said she had to lay down on the couch. That was the last time she ever walked. Within hours she was a quadriplegic. In four months she was gone. I read your post and feel as if I had written it, I have two kids 21 and 19. I swear brother were in the same boat together.

Autocharge

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Oh Andy and Autocharge, I am so sorry. I feel so bad for you both. I honestly don't know what to say. My husband's death was gradual, we knew it was coming - he actually said a few days before he died that he thought this was it. I told him not to be ridiculous, he still had plenty of time. Unfortunately, he was right, but it is still so hard to accept. Each day I wait for him but he's not here and never will be again. The agony is excruciating. So I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for both of you, as your pain seems so different and sudden. We too were together for 25 years and it's so unbelievably agonising to adjust to life without him by my side. I've taken to drinking of a night to numb the pain, which I know is the worst thing you can do, but I just can't stand the suffering. I can't do anything that we used to do together - I haven't even been able to watch TV since he's gone. I know I need to make more effort but just seem unable to. Everything just seems so hopeless. There is so much I SHOULD be doing but just can't. I barely manage to get through the day and am becoming more and more isolated. I just can't cope being with people. Yet I feel so weak and useless when I read everyone else's suffering. 

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4 hours ago, Panda said:

Oh Andy and Autocharge, I am so sorry. I feel so bad for you both. I honestly don't know what to say. My husband's death was gradual, we knew it was coming - he actually said a few days before he died that he thought this was it. I told him not to be ridiculous, he still had plenty of time. Unfortunately, he was right, but it is still so hard to accept. Each day I wait for him but he's not here and never will be again. The agony is excruciating. So I can only imagine how difficult it must have been for both of you, as your pain seems so different and sudden. We too were together for 25 years and it's so unbelievably agonising to adjust to life without him by my side. I've taken to drinking of a night to numb the pain, which I know is the worst thing you can do, but I just can't stand the suffering. I can't do anything that we used to do together - I haven't even been able to watch TV since he's gone. I know I need to make more effort but just seem unable to. Everything just seems so hopeless. There is so much I SHOULD be doing but just can't. I barely manage to get through the day and am becoming more and more isolated. I just can't cope being with people. Yet I feel so weak and useless when I read everyone else's suffering. 

I understand, everything you say, I understand. I'm so sorry, if I could take all this pain away from everyone here, I would do so. It's a desolate feeling knowing that so many people deal with this so alone. The world moves on and in many ways, were stuck on that one, singular and horrible day. No one knows that, not really. It's one thing to accept "war is hell", but it's quite different to experience it for ones self. We're trapped in an in between state, trying to move yet stuck in time. Panda, you'll get no judgement from me, I'd numb this agony if I could. I want nothing to happen to you though, so please take care, please. 

Peace and love,

Andy

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9 hours ago, Autocharge said:

Andy

I to am 45 and lost my wife. I know you have reed my thread. I just wanted to say I to couldn't save my wife. We were in Guam when she woke up early not feeling right. So I helped her walk to the living room were she said she had to lay down on the couch. That was the last time she ever walked. Within hours she was a quadriplegic. In four months she was gone. I read your post and feel as if I had written it, I have two kids 21 and 19. I swear brother were in the same boat together.

Autocharge

We are indeed in the same, shipwrecked, boat together. Horrible, all of it.

Andy

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Panda,

I believe wholeheartedly we'll be together again.  We were destined to be together and met and clicked then, we will find each other again.  They are alive not only in our hearts and memories but their spirit continues just in a different form.  They're here, no longer bound by body, a breath away.

Guilt strikes us as part of our grief journey.  We ask ourselves all of the whatifs trying to come up with a possible different ending.  Reality may have no bearing with our feelings of guilt, but that doesn't stop us from feeling it all the same.  There comes a time to consciously let go of these feelings of guilt that don't help us and only weigh us down.  The truth is we love them with all that is within us and we'd have done anything for them.  None of us knew the moment they would die, not even if we knew they were likely to, and it is at that moment that the pain of finality strikes, no undo button, no take backs, no redo. What we have said and one and lived will have to suffice...we know they love us, they know we love them, we showed it each and every day.

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