Sudden loss of mom and Flashbacks. 2 months after and I'm still falling apart.

[Sweetisabelle]

This post is about losing my mom to a pulmonary embolism 2 months ago. I just wanted to write a warning to say that I talk about what I assume are flashbacks of seeing my mom pass. I don't want to upset anyone, so please don't read the rest of the post of this may be too much. 

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Yesterday marked 2 months since the unexpected loss of my mom. She passed away from a massive pulmonary embolism. I'm 24, I never thought I was going to lose my mom. I still live at home, I just started university. I was finally finding my footing, and then I lost one of the most important people in my life...if not the most important.

I'm not doing well at all. I saw a lot that day. I saw her lips turning blue and the colour fading from her face, I heard her breathing change, she was saying that she didn't understand, she didn't know what was going on. Surprisingly, she did not sound panicked. I keep seeing them doing cpr on her. The moment the nurse called us to see my mom, she said that they kept getting a weak pulse. I just know that she came to get us to see my mom to say goodbye. But moments after we got in the room they had to start doing cpr again. I didn't get to touch her, hold her, or talk to her. It was that quick. The doctor came out and said it wasn't looking good, we were lead back to a private waiting room. I remember seeing her once she passed. We were not aloud to touch her. (She had a medical procedure done the day before, and therefore they had to do an autopsy). She was laying in the bed, with a tube... I think a breathing tube. At the time we didn't know it was a blood clot, but I vividly remember the tude with what looked like blood in it. My moms eyes were huge, and they looked blue- very blue, which was strange because she had hazel eyes that sometimes had a touch of blue. I keep seeing her in the casket. But she didn't look like her. Since we had to wait for an autopsy, and she my poor mom had to go through that, the funeral director told us AFTER we say my mom and decided to close the casket because we knew she would not have wanted to be seen like that, he told us that because of the autopsy things might have shifted or swollen etc. I never got to say goodbye the way I wanted to, I didn't get to talk to her while she was still here with us, I didn't get to hold her or touch her, my only chance was once she was in the casket, but I was too caught off guard to think/remember that was my last chance.

Those 4 things, seeing my moms lips go blue, seeing her while they did cpr, her eyes and breathing tube, and my precious mom in the casket keep coming to me in flashes. I can cope when I choose to think about it, but when they come unexpected I react like a scared animal. I hyperventilate, I shake, I curl up in a ball.... I'm falling apart.

After many of these episodes I then get exhausted and I feel detached. I become numb, slowed down, empty.... but only until the next episode.

Has anyone been through something similar in terms of what feels like flashbacks? How do you cope? Does it ever get easier? Has anything helped?

I miss my mom so much. Sometimes I worry I won't be able to be strong enough to make it through, and make her proud. But that hope- of one day being happy, if even for moments, is the one thing that keeps me going. I know that it would warm my moms heart to see me happy, and thriving. I just hope with all of my being that I can make it to that point. 

Mommy I love you. I'd do anything to see you one last time, to hold you, to hug you, to talk to you. I miss your smile, and your laugh. I miss seeing you happy, I miss being able to bring you happiness, and my goodness- I miss all the joy and love you gave to me. I miss you

[fletch14]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I totally get it. 100%. My mom died 5 weeks ago of pneumonia and sepsis. At the end, she was coughing up blood and looking so scared and then was put on a breathing tube... and I can't get these visions out of my head. My therapist told me to try to couple those bad images with a really great image you have in your head of her. I specifically remember this one time when we went snorkeling and she looked so funny with the mask on... it's hard but I keep trying.

 

and i know... it's so hard to imagine being happy again. I hear that the day will come but hard to believe.

 

hang in there!

[anxious]

I am really, really sorry for your loss. I don't think it is unusual at all to 'still' be falling apart after only two months. That is only such a short time to adjust to a major change in your life, which may well be a loss of 'foundation'. The mother-daughter bond is often a strong one, and it sounds like it is for you, too. The fact that you have some hope that you will one day be happy again, even just occasionally, seems very promising, however. I hope you will be. Since your experience sounds traumatic, perhaps this link will prove useful to you: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/emotional-and-psychological-trauma.htm 

[fletch14]

@anxious - thanks for posting that link. I found it really helpful, as I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety following my mom's sudden (and traumatic) death.