I've become a stranger to myself

[M88]

Hi, I am new to posting but have recently been reading posts and the helpful articles.  I feel I've come to a safe, welcoming, caring forum made up of wise, understanding people, who aren't afraid to tell it like it really is.  Thank you all for sharing your pain and how the death of your partner has impacted on your life, it really does help me feel not so alone with my pain and problems. 

My darling man was killed by an out of control driver last year - 455 days ago - 65 weeks today. He was walking on the footpath in our old home town. Others were injured but he died a terrible death. I wish I had been there to hold him, ease his confusion and physical pain, say goodbye and thank him for our wonderful years together. Tell him I'll not forget our love. Tell him I regret not marrying him. Tell him I'd marry him tomorrrow if I could. 

We had been together for 22 years and were just starting to enjoy retirement.  We were planning our second proper holiday. We were best friends and had made each others lives complete.  I miss the way he said my name.  He had a lovely accent and nobody will ever say my name like he did.  I miss everything about him with every fibre of my being.  My tummy hasn't stopped doing flips when I unexpectedly see or hear things that remind me of him. 

Since answering the door to that Police Officer mid-afternoon of January 11th 2016 so much of my life has changed. Horrific events like this happen to other families, not ordinary, quiet living, private people like us.  Family behaving badly at a time like this happens to people in movies or books. 

The investigation into the crash was initially handled very poorly and the communication with us zilch so my daughter and I made our own enquiries.  It was harrowing, confronting and emotional but we worked darned hard for 4 and a half months gathering as much information we could, before finally getting a competent cop on our case. I can't say much more as the man who killed my partner was eventually charged and the case is now before the courts. I've become a stranger to myself through this, but my darlings spirit has guided me nearly every step of the way through this living nightmare. I hope it will be at the trial with us in a couple of months. Getting justice for him is the last thing we can do for our lovely man.  

Today I finished the mammoth of job of compiling a complaint against the Lawyer I hired to help with my late partners estate and investigation. I felt his work too fell well below an acceptable standard. 

Now I yearn to communicate with others who understand the enormity of the death of a much loved soul-mate.  

[KayC]

M88,

I'm sorry for your loss. I admire your having the strength to fight the fight against injustice, me I was too exhausted to pursue it.  I did make an appointment and talked to the doctor I feel responsible for my husband's death, but I didn't sue him.

I too wish I could have been by my husband's side as he transitioned to his next life.  I wish I could have eased his mind and let him know it was okay for him to go, he was in so much pain.  

We'd love to rewrite the ending but alas that's not in our jurisdiction. 

Good luck with your case.  Keep us abreast of it, okay?  Will look for your posts...

[KMB]

M88,   The loss of our soulmates leaves us with a huge, lonely, empty void. We lose that special person who knew us inside out. We lose our best friend, our confidant, our lover, our rock. We lose our world as we knew it. So many losses of other things, the list could go on. I am so sorry for the loss of your soulmate and am sorry you are going through a horrendous ordeal with the legalities and the court system. I sincerely hope justice works in your favor. I know it won't bring your beloved back. I hope it will being you peace of mind. Prayers and hugs to you.

[Francine]

 

M88  --  I'm so sorry for your loss; sometimes words are inadequate, but know I feel your pain.  The love you both shared is endless and nothing nor no one can ever take it away - it's in the atmosphere - it's forever.  While no amount of time is ever enough, the 22 years you shared and the memories you made along the way is priceless.  At the end of the day, all that matters is love and memories - you have them both - the special love you shared and the memories he left you.  Life is a beautiful collage of priceless moments and memories, which when pierced all together creates a unique treasured masterpiece.  Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away.  I can only guess your husband gave you those breathtaking moments. 

I hope the investigation goes well; people should accept responsibility for their actions; be accountable for their results and take ownership for their mistakes.  I believe your loved one is sending strength your way to deal with all the drama and is at your side every step of the way. 

Try to find some peace in knowing because he lived, your life is better, fuller and brighter.  Know that because God loves you, you are stronger; HIS love watches over you and protects you in many ways from this crazy, cruel world in which we live.   And when you have completed your earthly task, you will be reunited with your loved one to enjoy ultimate peace with the Most High and the angels  - Won't that be amazing?

In the meantime, stay strong and God Bless. Know that prayers and hugs are being sent your way

 

[M88]

Thank you ladies, for your kind comforting, supportive words.  Yes, we made many happy memories doing the things we enjoyed. I guess all of us left behind, grieve for the future good times that we often planned for and thought we had ahead of us, but can now never have.  

Energy is being sent from somewhere as I have poor health. Severe RA and all that goes with it, for the past 30 years.

My darling had helped a good mate enjoy his last two years of life so we had talked a lot about death.  We had discussed what signs to look out for when either one of us passed away and am just blown away at how often I see these.  And the messages he gets to me ....!! He doesn't know answers to problems but is very good at guiding me in nutting them out.  

Good on you for talking with your husbands Dr, KayC.  We won't get answers if we don't ask the questions.  We can't sue in our country.  Instead our Govt pays out 6k towards funeral costs for victims of accidental deaths, and 6k to the victims next of kin.  These two payments just about cover the average cost of a cemetery plot, service and burial. 

It's about clawing back dignity and respect for my darling.  This is what drives me. There has been so much disrespect and devaluing of his life, and not all of it from the authorities.  

At my dear mans funeral service, one of his sons (36 yrs old) included in his speech a few smutty jokes he proudly said his Dad had told him years ago. His speech was one you'd expect to hear at a lads 21st birthday party!  I was stunned and couldn't believe what I was hearing ....  and it got worse - he used the name of a prior workplace of his Dad's, in one of these jokes. Only two women worked at that business and I knew which one would be at his send-off - his former boss.  Turns out she was there. It would not have taken much guesswork for her to figure out it was her largish butt that step-son was referring to. A caring lady who had taken time off work and travelled over an hour to be there at G's send off.  These jokes made his Dad sound like he was a horrible, crude man - and he most definitely ws not.  His adopted daughter(50 yrs)  said some odd things too, but this is her personality.  When she brought up the subject of the speeches a few weeks later and asked how did hers sound, I kept it simple and just said it left a few people confused.  I asked her if anyone had proof read her and her brothers. Her brother and she had proof-read each others.  My step-sons speech shocked many who attended.  It was a huge funeral and not all there knew his kids as we haven't lived in the same town for many years. Some didn't know my man well either. Thankfully, my youngest step-son made a lovely, heartfelt speech, appropriate for the occasion.  Friends also spoke with love and fitting memories. In the following weeks a few close friends were able to talk with me about the kids speeches that left my dear man in not so good a light.  I found it embarrassing but also a bit of relief to talk about the elephant in the room, so to speak. 

We have some very supportive close friends, some dating back to my dear mans teenage years, who know the depth of love and respect he deserves.  Most don't live in our area but we spend a lot of time on the phone and they will come for the trial if they can get time off work.

I am drowning in both shame and grief.  Shame I feel from the speeches made by two of hubbys kids at his service, shame from those responsible for his death for not taking responsibility for their actions, shame for the police due to their incompetency and shame for my lawyer for not representing me and my late partner well.  I will call in to see hubbys old boss next time I'm in her town and apologize.  I will hand back the shame that rightfully belongs to the police and my lawyer in the form of my complaints about the poor quality of their work.  

I haven't found any literature to help me deal with shame like this but I start another round of counselling on Thursday and it can't come soon enough!  I wasn't up to discussing this issue at my earlier sessions.  

Rarely a day goes by that I don't suddenly think to myself 'this can't be real' 'he can't have got killed whilst walking on the footpath!' then proceed to have a meltdown. These thoughts usually hit when I've just written or typed darlings name on some document or spoken with someone in the legal field.  

I am emotionally and physically exhausted.  Nightmares still plague me.  Thankfully they're occuring less often but the content is still just as disturbing.  They are not always about my darlings death but often other family members or friends getting killed in various types of accidents. Initially it took one and a half sleeping tablets to get 3 hours nightmare-free sleep but am now down to half a tablet and getting a bit more sleep.  Grief sure does knock your mind, body and soul around in so many ways. 

Sending strength and hugs.

 

 

[KMB]

M88, Your post comes straight from your heart and It is inconceivable to think of what you have endured thus far. Eventually, the feelings of shame due to the poorly constructed speeches will fade away. What will matter the most is your husband, how he lived his life and the much love he left behind.

This grieving is exhausting. It takes a toll on our bodies and minds. I guess that is why self care is important. We need our strength just to make it through another day.

Prayers and hugs to you.

[KayC]

My husband's doctor didn't have answers, he totally missed the mark...my talking to him was to assure that he'd never refuse to refer someone to a cardiologist again and try to handle it (or not) himself, because he totally missed the ball on my husband and another lady's husband.  I just didn't want to see that mistake repeated by someone who thought he knew everything.  it's important for a doctor to recognize his own limitations.

Our country doesn't pay for burial, we're to come up with that ourselves, that's why I went with cremation, but even then it's expensive now.

Grief IS exhausting, take time to refresh yourself and get help from a doctor for sleeping if need be.  Nothing has to be hurried through.