Feeling sad, angry, alone - Mum died aged only 46

[willieverbehappy]

It's now almost been 2 months since my amazing, beautiful Mum passed away. I am 18, and currently on my gap year. In February i set off to start my travels, flying from the UK all the way to Ecuador, only to be called back 6 days later by my sister, who told me Mum was ill and that she'd booked me a flight back so we could all to be together. Given my naivety, i didn't realise how serious the situation actually was, but my sister couldn't properly tell me what was going on as I had around a 20 hour journey back home ahead of me, one which I don't think I could have made had I known. I got back 4 hours before Mum died - the only comfort knowing that she was waiting for me to get home, so all of us could be together. I am very open about talking about my feelings, but there is one think I can't bring myself to discussing - and that is how I found out, arriving back home and seeing my Mum how she was - no one deserves to see a loved one like that, especially not a 13 year old! My Mum was so strong, and what is making me most upset is that image of her - apparently she told my 16 year old brother to remember her as strong, which I no doubt will - but it's hard to get that image out of my head, i feel like its haunting me - that it will haunt me for the rest of my life. It was very traumatic.

2 years prior my Mum had been diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer which had spread to her liver - yet given how strong my Mum was and how her main aim was to ensure me and my siblings (aged 20, 16 and 13) grew up as 'normal as possible', I very rarely actually thought she was ill. And my life over the past two years have been, for the most part, 'normal'. She was determined this was not the end, for instance; she carried on working, she exercised frequently, she was constantly looking for new treatments etc. - which meant many people who met her didn't even know she was 'ill' as well. I had read all the statistics about the number of people with Stage 4 cancer living to 5 years, and given how my Mum was, I had no doubt in my mind that she would be one who surpassed those odds. Deep down my Mum knew how ill she was, yet she was so determined to act strongly. My Dad had spoken with her over whether she should tell me that perhaps the treatments she was taking weren't going to plan, yet she told him she didn't want to 'break his (my) heart'. Yet I don't blame her - the last two years with her were amazing, and I don't think I would have coped and gone through college had I really accepted that things might not turn out to plan. Perhaps this naivety was a coping mechanism, I mean surely I should have realised something was not right after being called back 6 days into my planned 2 month travels around Ecuador? I honestly thought I was going back to help around the house, support Mum - then would be back in Ecuador 3 weeks later. Or maybe I didn't realise that something could have gone wrong so quickly as 6 days prior when I left and said goodbye - Mum was okay, this is how fast it happened. How fast the deterioration happened - something I can't bring myself to think about as I will just burst into tears - In some selfish way i feel glad I only had to experience just 4 hours with her like that - or is that an awful thing to say, as I would give anything to have spent more time with her. This is where the sadness comes from - imagine knowing you are going to die. Apparently Mum accepted it, and what distressed her most was how my Dad and us 4 were going to continue without her - and I am desperately sad I didn't tell her we are going to be fine - I just never thought she was ill - or I just never wanted to believe she was ill.

Honestly I feel so awful, like I will never be happy again, but deep down I know there will be a time, eventually in my life when I will feel happy again - not complete happiness, but happy. And I wish I could tell Mum that we are going to pull through, no matter how long or what happens - we will pull through. I also feel sad that she never felt like she could tell us how painful her liver was, or if she was worried - she just wanted to be strong for us. I remember a time when her liver swelled up in January this year, the first time i saw her look worried in 2 years, yet i did very little, i didn't console her. And she told me 'You need to tell me everything's going to be alright', and I responded saying 'the reason I don't say anything, is because I know things will be alright' - yet the only reason I said that was because of how strong my Mum was, i never contemplated that something would not be alright. And i wish that I could have supported her more - and have told her that it will be alright. Yet if I did that, I feel like I would have been accepting that she was ill. Obviously I helped out a lot when Mum was ill, but all of us pulling together and helping out made us believe we were in control - and that things wouldn't go wrong.

I feel sad that I have a long life ahead of me - with so many major events I will experience, without Mum. And my life seems so long now, in some ways I wish I could just be 30 now and skip over this period of intense sadness. Every happy moment I have with my life will be touched with sadness as I know my Mum will not be there to live it with me, hence me saying I feel i will never again feel 'complete happiness'. I mean Mum raised us to see us grow up, to see us get married, to have kids - yet all thats been taken from her, from us as well. I saw a letter my cousins received from their Granny on their Dads side (my Mums brother in law), saying 'here's a bit of spending money for your trip abroad' - and it got me very emotional. My kids will never get a letter like that from their Granny, my Mum will never get a chance to write a letter like that to her grandchildren. Yet despite this, I will ensure my children know who their grandmother is - I will ensure every person I meet knows who she is and the amazing things she's done - make them feel as if they knew her. I want to keep her alive. 

I also feel very angry. Angry that I have lost my Mum so young. Angry that I feel 'abandoned' by the people around me. Angry that my Mum, of all people - who did so much good in this world - was taken so young - aged just 46. And this sounds awful, but when I hear people in their 50s saying oh 'I'm popping down to see Mum and Dad at the weekend' - I feel angry - how come your Mum has lived so long and not mine? Yet truthfully, I don't feel bad for feeling this, as I know that I am grieving, and that eventually this anger will fade. And when I say I feel 'abandoned', I mean that at my age - I have no one I know who I can relate to. In the immediacy of the death, messages flew in about how sorry people are and that they will do anything to help - yet after the funeral nearly all of that stopped. I don't think that they realise that grief extends past the funeral, that it actually gets harder as time goes on, and that messages are more comforting now more than earlier when I was still in a state of shock. Perhaps they don't know what to say, but when they post 2 minutes after messaging me, a picture of them on a night out or travelling (as many of my friends are doing, as they are on their gap years too) it really feels like a slap in the face - do you really care? I know people do care, and Mums death has saddened and affected people all over the world (due to her work) but it's so obvious that life carries on for people as normal, but for me my life will never be 'normal' again. In someways it feels like people have forgotten. Yet I was guilty of this - someone I knew of but never met died, I was sad for a while, but soon after I moved on - my life carried on. Yet now having lived through this, if anyone else were to experience the death of their Mum, of anyone, I would constantly be messaging them, just to show that someone cares, that they are not alone and that I can in some ways relate to what they are going through. Therefore, for a while I felt very angry at my peers, at others who seem to have just carried on with their lives- but I have realised people my age just don't understand the concept of 'grief', and that there are so many misconceptions surrounding the it. They don't have the 'life experience', I now sadly have. Greater still, I have seen some friends who believe I am to be 'coping well' - yet I need to remind them I will not leave the house if I am in hysterics, and that grief is very up and down - and I don't feel bad telling people I am not okay. When people ask - I truthfully answer and say I feel dreadful. 

The only comfort from Mums death is that in 46 years she really lived a full life and did so many amazing things. The fact my Mum has had various obituaries in major newspapers in the UK makes my family and I so proud. I remember being in a graveyard with my sister - angry at the fact almost everyone had died in their 80s/90s - living almost 40 years longer than Mum - and this again sounds dreadful, but I then considered - perhaps they didn't do as much in their life as my Mum did - and in someways I want people to consider what  they have I done in their lives - but again as I said that sounds awful, but I can't help feeling it. And if people were to question me about feeling such ways, I would respond; 'Tell me what it was like to lose your Mum, and oh yeah at 18!'. 

Sorry for this being so long, but since Mum died I have been writing down my feelings - which I have never done before, and I have felt a little better after . And i am very open about my emotions, I don't bottle things in as I feel if i were to do so I will fall into a state of depression. I have so much on my mind, and what i have written here is hardly a fraction of what I am feeling right now - I just want to know how long I will feel like this? How long will I feel desperately sad, and angry? I know things will be up and down from here, but the prospect of the 'downs' really terrify me - and as I said, I wish life could just fast forward until the pain is not so intense. But then again I don't want to wish my life away, the last thing Mum would want would be for me to hope for that. Mum brought us up to be strong - and deep down I know I have that strength in me. I just have so much on my mind - and just worry my life will never be fully happy again. I just want to speak to my Mum, tell her I love her and we will be okay, eventually - I'd do anything to speak to her, and have even considered  approaching mediums and things like that - but that is another aspect of whats going on in my head - and I've already gone through a lot on this post. Once again, sorry for the length, I just feel I might feel better if I share how I am feeling to people who don't know me!

 

[anxious]

I am so very sorry for your loss. It is very beautiful that you are able to find at least some solace in the fact that your mum lived an amazing life. You should be really proud of that, and I don't think there is any shame in considering that her life was perhaps a fuller one than most people's. The way you describe her, she sounds like a remarkable woman. I truly hope that yes, you will be, in some way, happy again one day. Hopefully, being candid about your feelings, as you are, will somehow help in that. Perhaps there is a local group of young people that are dealing with a loss, so you could meet others that do have your (unfortunate) life experience?

[mills89]

@willieverbehappy I am SO sorry for your loss. Im 25 & lost my dad almost two months ago, he was 54. Reading through what you have written, my situation seems very similar. My dad was diagnosed with bowel cancer in Nov '15 and passed away Feb 17, so the time frame of his illness wasnt very long. Like your mum, my dad knew how ill he really was, but remained super positive for us. Also like you, I feel so lost as its hard to find other people who can relate to exactly how you feel. To lose a parent at a young age is terribly sad and sometimes i feel like my heart will never stop hurting. At the moment, it still feels very surreal for me. For me, i like to plan things to keep my mind busy. Rather than using this as a way of blocking stuff out (which i have been trying to do since it happened and i know its wrong) it kind of helps me channel my feelings into something else. You will have the terrible days but some days you will feel strong and be able to remember the happy times (again, something im kind of struggling with myself) Sorry if this has been completely unhelpful, but i just want you to know that if you need to talk I am here as i can relate to what youre going through.

 

Take care x

[Whammy2]

Some of the things you've put down here have been exactly what I'm feeling and my mum isn't even gone yet. If you ever come online and read this, please send me a message, it would be so good to talk!!

Three years ago, my own mum was diagnosed with cervical cancer when I was 15,  and since then it's been a battle both mentally and physically for her. Again like you, in my nativity while there were times I thought she would die, - it was still completely incomprehensible. I knew it would be a tough time ahead, but she would pull through. We all would, I thought. While there was hell in the first two years, this year has by far been the most terrible.

Mum went in to hospital for an eight hour long operation in July and subsequently spent over two months in hospital. She couldn't even move her legs any more due to nerve damage.. but I thought the op would cure her. We all thought so, I think. Eventually mum came home early because she had had enough, but no more than three weeks later my dad admitted her again via emergency after she'd had a bad night - up and vomiting the whole night. The doctors took a while to figure out the problem, and they thought she had a problem with her bowel.. They didn't seem to be achieving much though. Mum ended up having to miss my school formal and my valedictory - she was so distraught. She told me how much she had wanted to be there for me on my formal night, and I told her I knew, but to myself I thought 'but mum, there is so much ahead to look forward to, one night of mine is meagre.'  She was supposed to get better. I knew the recovery would be bumpy, but she would get better, wouldn't she?

The day my dad picked me up from 'schoolies' (a celebration week for grade 12 graduates) in late November, after dropping my friend off, he told me that mum's cancer had come back. The doctors had told the two of them the night before, after doing some more scans. My world exploded. We went straight to the hospital to see her, and the whole time the palliative care woman was talking to us, I kept blanking and thinking, 'is this really my life?', 'how is this actually happening?'

It's so difficult to put into words what it's been like. My brother, only two years younger than me, 16, arrived back from a 2 month exchange in Germany and we had to tell him. Thinking back on the last few weeks, all I see is a blur. Pretty much every day has been spent at the hospital. Something I've sadly gotten very used to this year. I've watched too much TV, and now that school is over, I'm hardly seeing any of my friends. I don't even want to. Up until a few days ago, my mum was still managing to talk, although she would get very tired and need to rest. These last few days, though, have been so so difficult. Since visiting her on Saturday, she hasn't even been responsive. She just lies there in bed, eyes half-open, twitching, barely hanging on to life. Even though it was all too real when dad broke the awful news to me, these last few days have destroyed me. Seeing her lying there, so fragile, has destroyed me. My eyes keep welling up with tears, and I feel hollow and empty inside. If there is a god, I hate him.

And I just don't understand it. Why do some people have to suffer SO damn much? She lost her own mum when she was very young, now why does she have to go through this? I can't even put into words how jealous I am when I see other girls out with their mums. That should be me and my mum, but my mum is in hospital dying. Why is she the one who has been given a life sentence? And I think especially as it's the festive season (it's really not very merry if you ask me), I keep thinking of what my mum and I should be doing. Baking together, Christmas shopping, she should simply be here with us. 

I feel like we are broken, my dad, my brother and I. It's always been the four of us. How can we suddenly diminish to 3? In an alternate reality, maybe things are different and we are unbroken, and everyone is happy. It's so horrible right now, and I feel so so lonely, and she isn't even gone yet. I don't even know how much longer she will last. I just wish I could wake up and this could all have been some terrible nightmare. Or why can't my mum miraculously sit up suddenly, and everything can be fine again? I don't know how I will keep going on. I don't want to go on without her. No one understands either. I hate when people ask 'how are you,' because most of the time my response is a lie. I hate when people say 'call me if you need anything'. It's such an empty offer, both parties know that. I would call if you could save my mum, but what on earth else would I call for? Nothing can fix this. 

Why is the world so cruel?

ANd it's just weird too, because elsewhere life just goes on. And I do things too which make my mum dying seem like something that is happening in another universe. Where I work (swim coaching), I also swim, and my friends there and fellow swimmers don't even know that my world is being turned upside down. Today, my coach picked me up as usual and she is the most wonderful person, and one I've actually opened up to about what's going on and she is always asking how I am and how my mum is doing, and she just understands. After swimming today, she got us and all the parents to gather around in a circle and she bought out two cakes. One for me, celebrating my grade 12 results and one for another guy in my grade. I didn't even know what to feel, I felt so much and also not much at all. And while she was talking, I couldn't help but think how I haven't even been able to tell my mum my results. She hasn't even be able to celebrate with me. And there we were with all these other kids, and their parents, and my mum is barely hanging on to life. I talked to one of the mother's there today, and when I left she said 'merry christmas to your family.' She has no idea. None of them do. I'm just rambling here, everything is so confusing.

Please, if you do read this, send me a message. It would be so good to talk to someone who understands. I think this world is just so unfair, but I hope you are coping.