Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

How do i cope with losing my boyfriend to suicide?


Danielle1994

Recommended Posts

  • Members
Danielle1994

Hello last Wednesday my boyfriend commited suicide. I feel broken, he was my best friend. We were together for 8 years since we were 15 and 16 and now he's just gone. No note, no goodbye. He was my first everything. He had been depressed for a while but had gone onto anti depressants and was starting to feel better. We had just got our own house together and everything seemed perfect until that night he went missing. Please tell me this gets easier :,(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Danielle1994, I'm so sorry, this a horrible tradgedy, the grief you'll endure and the sorrow can and will be overwhelming. I don't have any words that'll make this any better, all I can do is offer encouragement and an outlook. The emotions you feel, the ones that are coming, let them. Allow them to run their course, it'll help you cope as time goes on. You asked if this gets easier, I believe it does. The pain, the sense of loss, the loneliness and sorrow, they don't ever go away, but how our minds cope, how we process these things, it does become more bearable. I'm a bit over 3 months after my wife slipped away, and when I'm hit with a flood of despair, it's as if it was yesterday I lost her. But, it's not as frequent, and I know that it'll pass. What we accept, eventually, is that this is the new "normal". Our lives have been changed forever. You're so young, I grieve for you going through this at all, but such a young lady. My daughter is 21, and is dealing with her mom now absent from her life. We all grieve loss, but from different perspectives. It's all painful and heart wrenching, terrible in every way. 

Regardless of how you feel, please take care of yourself. Eat, hydrate, and get plenty of uninterrupted sleep, this is critical. Your ability to cope and deal with this will depend in part on your resting. Please do this. Rely on good friends and family, tell them what you need, time alone, someone to just listen, someone to just sit with you, bring you food, anything. Post here as much as you need to, the people here are wonderful, full of heartbreaking insight and compassion. Grieving is a very personal journey, no one can tell you "how" to do it, they're simply aren't any rules. What you'll feel will be normal. All of it, loss, guilt, anger, regret, envy, sadness, questioning everything, hate, all these and more will hit you to some degree or another. Its okay. You don't have to be "strong", you can be weak, cry, scream, sob, shout, do what you need to do. Just be "alive". If that means getting out of bed, eat soup, go back to bed and that's your day, then that's okay. You do what you need to do, but take this one moment at a time. Don't think to much about tomorrow, worry about today. 

Again, I'm so sorry for this loss, I'm sorry for this world you're now in, and I'm especially saddened that you are part of this sad, miserable "club" of loss. We may be alone, but we are all together. 

Peace, love and comfort,

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Danielle1994

Andy I'm so sorry for your loss,it is horrible it really is. Thank you for your kind words,they really mean allot. It brings some comfort to talk to someone who has been through this. Thank you.xx

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Danielle1994, I am so deeply sorry. You must be feeling devastated, shocked. Depression is a very deep pit and hard to get out of. People just want the demons to disappear and the unrelenting pain to end. I am sorry your beloved partner chose that permanency of ending his pain. You knew him for a long time and your heart is broken and you have many questions as to the* why* of it all.

I don't have much advice. There are no set answers. We have to find our own path on this journey of grieving. You will find your own path. It will be hard. Take care of yourself and be patient with yourself.

Andy gave you some wonderful words from his heart. He has been an inspiration for us all. Even though as individuals we are coping with the loss of someone special, we still have enough room in our hearts to give to others.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thank you KMB. Truth is, it's my wife who inspires me. My love for her, my devotion to her, my commitment to our daughter. It's all I have now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Danielle,

I am so sorry for your loss and all the more so, for how it occurred.  Suicide is especially hard to deal with.  I'll post some links to help you but want to mention there is a whole section for suicide on this site as well. 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/11/surviving-spouses-suicide.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/grief-support-for-survivors-of-suicide.html 

https://vimeo.com/112214790

Notice, there are links to other helpful places at the bottom of each.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
On 4/8/2017 at 11:29 AM, Danielle1994 said:

Hello last Wednesday my boyfriend commited suicide. I feel broken, he was my best friend. We were together for 8 years since we were 15 and 16 and now he's just gone. No note, no goodbye. He was my first everything. He had been depressed for a while but had gone onto anti depressants and was starting to feel better. We had just got our own house together and everything seemed perfect until that night he went missing. Please tell me this gets easier :,(

Danielle 1994

I am so sorry for your loss; you must be devastated.  You may feel broken, but you are not broke.  I realize he was your everything, your all, your best friend and the man you wanted to share your life with.  When you lose someone so close it feels like an amputation and the whole world can feel like an enemy.  You will miss his voice, his smile, his touch, being in his arms and that emptiness will penetrate your soul. 

I'm sorry his pain was so deep, he was unable to overcome it.   Suicide doesn't end the pain, it just passes it on to someone else.  I know It isn't fair, but fairness doesn't govern life or death.  If it did, no good person would ever die young.  In the end, some of your greatest pain becomes your greatest strengths.

Andy was spot on in his post.   The pain doesn't ever go away and you maybe unsure which pain is worse - the shock of what happened or the ache for what never will.  My family tell me that I appear to have gotten better in my grief; I really haven't; I've just gotten better hiding it.  I think we understand death for the first time when God puts HIS hand upon the one whom we love more than anything in this world.  When that happens, we feel pain, a lot of it.  But my faith tells me that joy is coming.  In Romans 8:18 it states, "consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."

Will it get easier, you ask?   I don't this so (well not for me) - it gets different, simply because you're different.  Grief changes you; each person it changes differently.   For me, my change was not the better; I knew it wouldn't be, and that's OK.  My better self left when my husband left this earth.   I hope for your sake, it does get easier..   God bless you and keep you safe.   Continue to post whenever you feel the need.  We are here for you. 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

No words to describe how you feel right now, I've been on this situation for 3 weeks now. Being with friends and family will help alot. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I think it gets easier in that we adjust to our life changing, but the missing them goes on and on and on, so that part doesn't change.  It's like a life sentence.  But I don't want to leave anyone newly grieving with the idea that this intensity goes on the rest of our lives, it doesn't.  Little by little the tears dry up and you learn to carry within you this dull ache, this (for me) George shaped hole inside your heart.  I've also learned to draw on the memories of our love, they have to carry me, they're all I have, that and the hope of being with him again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Danielle1994

Hello everyone, thank you for your kind replys. I'm having trouble getting a funeral sorted for him, as his parents (who he has never had a good relationship with) have decided they are getting him cremated with no service. I want to go and see him before but they aren't replying to my messages. I'm afraid i will never get to say goodbye,and they will get him cremated without telling me. This is not what he wanted.  I'm struggling with knowing what to do in this situation. It is making things more and more difficult.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Danielle1994 --

I'm not legal expert, but unfortunately, I would imagine, arrangements are left to the next of kin.  It is very say that he had a rocky relationship with his parents and heartbreaking they are not returning any of your calls.  Did they not know you were a couple?  If trying the family again leads to no response, perhaps notifying the funeral home to see if any arrangements have yet to be made and just pose the question  - If a person is to cremated, if there is a possibility to view the body beforehand?  How tragic it is when family turn their backs on someone who is special in the deceased one' life.   One might think this is the time all family should be embracing one another and giving comfort.  Don't stoop down to their level; you're gonna be alright.  Just remember to always be you and God will take care of rest.   I'm sorry I can't offer any advise.  Good luck

 

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Danielle1994, I agree with Francine. Contact the funeral home, you should be allowed a goodbye viewing. My husband chose cremation, I turned down the viewing arrangement day because I knew my husband's wishes on that also.

Go with your heart and intuition.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Danielle1994

Hello everyone, i have been in touch with the mortuary and I'm allowed to go and see him before he is cremated. It upsets me as his parents always dismissed his depression as attention seeking, and on a number of occasions I've had to leave work to go and find him when he has been suicidal as his parents refused. They only lived down the road from us and barely bothered with him until now. Which upsets me that I'm being treated like this. We were soulmates and i have been there for him since his parents kicked him out at age 16. My parents took him in for about 5 years and he lived with us until we got our own house. I just wish they wouldn't make this even harder. I have suggested halving the ashes just so i can bury some so i have somewhere to go and see him. But they are not responding to my messages.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

 

Danielle 1994 --  I am sorry that his parents are not responding  you.  It is so cruel of their abandonment of you.  Feeling abandoned is probably one of the most devastating emotions one can cause in another human being. You can't control their behavior nor do you want that burden.  Don't concentrate on them and their issues; you need to focus on the people who want you in their lives and those who accept you for who you are.  The ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what.   Somewhere down the line, I only hope you can forgive this parents.  Forgiveness doesn't excuse their behavior; forgiveness prevents their behavior from destroying you or your heart.  Be strong because you are strong.   God Bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.

 

 

 
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Danielle1994, heed Francines advice, forgiveness will set YOU free. I know it must be so painful the way you've been marginalized, and especially the way he was treated by his parents. I can say this though, his parents assuming his behavior was an effort to gain attention is an indication to their lack of understanding. Unfortunately, mental illness is still poorly understood by a vast majority of people in the U.S. I also imagine that what drives them now is a tremendous amount of guilt, guilt so overpowering that it precludes them from reaching out or accepting you as more of an equal. If they were to do either of those things, it MIGHT mean an admission that they were very, very wrong. I don't know that obviously, but I have some similar dynamics going on in my life, so I would at least consider them possibilities. Guilt is horrible to cope with, regret equally so, the emotions of loss only make things that much harder. Only you understood the truth of your love, the devotion and its history, and nothing can take that away. Don't let their pain and their quest for absolution push you to places you don't need to go. One day, perhaps, there may be a reconciliation. If so, that could be wonderful for all, but if not, then they've lost an important piece of who he was, and that will be a shame. You can only do what you can do. Take care of yourself and let the ill intentions of others drift away. 

Peace and comfort,

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Danielle1994, I'm relieved for you that you'll be allowed to see him and say final words before the cremation. I'm sorry about his family and how they are going about this and ignoring you. I have no doubt they are grieving and maybe dealing with their own feelings of guilt. Maybe they will have a change of heart and decide on a memorial service at a later date.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
51 minutes ago, Francine said:

 

Danielle 1994 --  I am sorry that his parents are not responding  you.  It is so cruel of their abandonment of you.  Feeling abandoned is probably one of the most devastating emotions one can cause in another human being. You can't control their behavior nor do you want that burden.  Don't concentrate on them and their issues; you need to focus on the people who want you in their lives and those who accept you for who you are.  The ones who would do anything to see you smile and who love you no matter what.   Somewhere down the line, I only hope you can forgive this parents.  Forgiveness doesn't excuse their behavior; forgiveness prevents their behavior from destroying you or your heart.  Be strong because you are strong.   God Bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.

 

 

 

Well said Francine, well said. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Andy,

Your post, as they always are, are very well written and spot on.   You have a way of expression that easy the soul; not all can do so effortlessly.  Thank you for that and your comforting words for everyone on this forum.   

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
On 4/10/2017 at 0:22 PM, Francine said:

Danielle1994 --

I'm not legal expert, but unfortunately, I would imagine, arrangements are left to the next of kin.  It is very say that he had a rocky relationship with his parents and heartbreaking they are not returning any of your calls.  Did they not know you were a couple?  If trying the family again leads to no response, perhaps notifying the funeral home to see if any arrangements have yet to be made and just pose the question  - If a person is to cremated, if there is a possibility to view the body beforehand?  How tragic it is when family turn their backs on someone who is special in the deceased one' life.   One might think this is the time all family should be embracing one another and giving comfort.  Don't stoop down to their level; you're gonna be alright.  Just remember to always be you and God will take care of rest.   I'm sorry I can't offer any advise.  Good luck

I so agree with what Francine wrote here.  If the parents refuse a service and don't respond, perhaps some of his and your mutual friends could get together for a memorial service.  I would invite them but expect that they won't respond.  You have every right to honor him in your own way.  You don't need body or ashes for a service.  It could have a minister presiding over, songs, or it could be informal with open mike session, people saying what they remember about him. 

Remember to take the upper road and not follow suit with how his parents are behaving.  They obviously didn't understand him as you do.  My heart is with you as you go through this, we're all rooting for you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators
21 hours ago, Andy said:

Danielle1994, heed Francines advice, forgiveness will set YOU free. I know it must be so painful the way you've been marginalized, and especially the way he was treated by his parents. I can say this though, his parents assuming his behavior was an effort to gain attention is an indication to their lack of understanding. Unfortunately, mental illness is still poorly understood by a vast majority of people in the U.S. I also imagine that what drives them now is a tremendous amount of guilt, guilt so overpowering that it precludes them from reaching out or accepting you as more of an equal. If they were to do either of those things, it MIGHT mean an admission that they were very, very wrong. I don't know that obviously, but I have some similar dynamics going on in my life, so I would at least consider them possibilities. Guilt is horrible to cope with, regret equally so, the emotions of loss only make things that much harder. Only you understood the truth of your love, the devotion and its history, and nothing can take that away. Don't let their pain and their quest for absolution push you to places you don't need to go. One day, perhaps, there may be a reconciliation. If so, that could be wonderful for all, but if not, then they've lost an important piece of who he was, and that will be a shame. You can only do what you can do. Take care of yourself and let the ill intentions of others drift away. 

Peace and comfort,

Andy

This shows a lot of insight as well.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Danielle1994

Hello everyone. I have great news! We have managed to come to a agreement and a funeral in now taking place. I went to the funeral director today for some quotes into paying for the funeral myself and they do payment plans. His parents have seen sense and we are getting him a proper goodbye. I'm so happy,well as happy as i can be. I still just wake up everyday thinking he's still here and then reality hits. I want him back so so much :(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
9 minutes ago, Danielle1994 said:

Hello everyone. I have great news! We have managed to come to a agreement and a funeral in now taking place. I went to the funeral director today for some quotes into paying for the funeral myself and they do payment plans. His parents have seen sense and we are getting him a proper goodbye. I'm so happy,well as happy as i can be. I still just wake up everyday thinking he's still here and then reality hits. I want him back so so much :(

That is wonderful, I'm happy for you and his family. This will go a long way towards any healing, and will allow for the difficult process of coping to begin without unnecessary drama. His service will elicit many strong emotions, some may be overwhelming, just remember to breathe, to take your time and be as prepared as you can for the feelings that will come. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you, bless you and again, I'm so very happy you've made "peace" with this situation. 

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Danielle, This news is such a relief. You are blessed that a service will be taking place to honor your beloved. Someone *up there* is looking out for you and his family so there are no regrets down the road. Love never dies and you are being shown how true that is. (HUIGS)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
12 hours ago, Francine said:

Andy,

Your post, as they always are, are very well written and spot on.   You have a way of expression that easy the soul; not all can do so effortlessly.  Thank you for that and your comforting words for everyone on this forum.   

Thank you for saying so. I really do try to think about how I want to express my thoughts. Conveying complex emotions is important to me, so I'm touched you find value in what I have to say. 

Love and hugs,

Andy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
3 hours ago, Danielle1994 said:

Hello everyone. I have great news! We have managed to come to a agreement and a funeral in now taking place. I went to the funeral director today for some quotes into paying for the funeral myself and they do payment plans. His parents have seen sense and we are getting him a proper goodbye. I'm so happy,well as happy as i can be. I still just wake up everyday thinking he's still here and then reality hits. I want him back so so much :(

I'm so happy for you; I know how much you wanted this.  Homegoing services can sometimes be overwhelming and overpowering.  While the next couple of days or perhaps weeks may be difficult, being there for one another is going to get you through this and somehow, I think your loved one will be looking down smiling at all of you.  I pray that peace and comfort find you during the upcoming difficult days.  Know you are in our prayers and thoughts.   Hugs to you. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

Danielle,

I am so glad for you!  I hope seeing how many loved him and hearing what is said brings you much comfort in the days ahead.  My husband's funeral is something I will never forget.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
3 hours ago, KayC said:

 My husband's funeral is something I will never forget.

Same here KayC

Charles' homegoing services was a beautiful celebration of his life and I was so proud, and heartbroken at the same time.  Proud because I know he would have approved and heartbroken, because of the obvious reason.   Needless to say, (or to quote a phrase from KMB) my Charles "Graduated with high honors" to heaven.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Moderators

I was touched by how many people showed up for his funeral...the place was packed!  And from all walks of life...he touched a lot of people, he was just a wonderful person.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.