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Life flipped upside down


Ashley28

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    Two months ago my boyfriend of 6 years was killed in a terrible car accident. His daughter and I were just a couple minutes behind him so we didn't see the accident happen but we were there right after. Luckily his daughter didn't see anything... but I saw everything. I'm having an extremely hard time with everything and just need a little extra help from people that have been through it. I have some amazing friends that help me a lot, but they have never experienced anything like this, I find it's nice to talk to people that really truly know. I do have a counselor and she's amazing! But 1-2 hours a week just isn't enough for me. I went back to work after 2 weeks because they were so short, but then I ended up having to take 2 more weeks off. I go back this Monday and I am TERRIFIED, and really have no desire to go, which really sucks because I absolutely loved my job.

    i miss him so so SO bad, my heart aches so much all the time. We were getting ready to get married this fall and hopefully get pregnant by next spring. Now I'm left living with my mom with my entire future ripped away from me. What hurts the most is the absence of love from him, even though I do believe he is still with me and watching over me, he's still not really here, and I just can't grasp that he's not coming back.

    what the heck do I do?!!! Spending time with good friends helps, but that's really it. I feel like I've got nothing. I see his daughter for a few hours on the weekends which is great but it almost makes it hurt worse to see her. I will always do it for her sake though. 

    Anyway I would appreciate any advice from anyone that was in a similar situation to me, ANYTHING! I'm trying to grab onto anything that will save my life

    divp 
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Ashley28, I'm so sorry, your loss, the grief you'll carry, and for the daughter who's lost her dad. I wish I had special words to say, to make this pain go away, but I don't. 

I'm three months into the loss of my wife, who besides myself, leaves behind our 21 year old daughter. My wife died unexpectedly, without warning, and has left us heartbroken and adrift. I know the pain you speak of, the loss of the physical person, the touch of hands, the hugs, her putting her head on my shoulder, hearing her voice telling me she loves me, telling me everything will be ok. I miss her so much, a part of me has been ripped away, gone and changed forever. Almost 25 years of marriage, she was only 42. My daughter cries for the grandmother her future children won't have, the mom she will need for the rest of her life. I was starting to plan our "post parenting" days, getting ready to start being a couple again, not primarily "the parents" all the time. On New Year's Eve my wife slipped away, never to come home again. I'm still feeling waves of hopelessness, sorrow, physical pain, an overwhelming sense of loneliness and the magnitude of suddenly being a lone parent. And a million other things. I hope you frequent these forums, they've been a blessing for me, the people here have been wonderful in their willingness to share and help. They've embraced anyone who comes seeking help or just an ear to bend. Lovely all. 

What I can say is this, please take care of yourself, eat, hydrate, get PLENTY of sleep. Sleep. And sleep. Can't emphasize this enough. You owe no one an explanation for your grief, you cry when you want, you yell or remain silent, whatever you need to do. There are no rules. The guilt, regret, anger, grief, pain, envy, questioning why, hating the world, being mad at him, mad at yourself, choosing to be alone, or not, it's ALL normal. Let those things run their course, the more you do, the better you will handle them. If you feel out of control or you need help, then seek it. It's what they're for, no shame or sign of weakness for doing so. And speaking of weakness, it's ok to be weak. It's ok not to be "strong". That's not something we all can do at any given time. Be weak, be sad, be what you need, just be alive. Hold fast to your faith, hold fast to the fact he loves you, hold fast to the idea that things will get easier. Better? I don't know, maybe not, but easier, yes. Hold on to hope. Never let that go. 

I'm thinking and praying for you, may you find peace and comfort,

Andy

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Ashley, I am so sorry.  It seems so many young people here losing their mate.  If you have a human resource dept. I hope you can talk to them about the situation and see what they can do to help you through your transition back.  Once a week for counseling is common, but coming here will benefit you too as it's every day with people that understand and have gone through it.  Andy offered good advice, self care is extremely important, now more than ever.

Their body may die but their love never does, hang on to that.

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Hi Ashley,

I am only 7 months into this, and the only thing I know for sure is that we don't have to figure out how to move forward right away. We'll all have to figure it out eventually, bit by bit, but I know that for some of us, just getting through the day can be an hour-to-hour, even minute-to-minute thing. The only advice I can give you for when it starts to feel overwhelming is to give yourself a little bit of room to breath and remember that we don't have to come up with all of the answers at once. We just have to get through this moment. 

In my case, everything was all just shock for days, but even then, I had things to do: funerary arrangements to make, logistics to work out on how we're going to make our household function on a single income, and trying to figure out how to maintain some sense of normalcy for the kids. That busyness kept me from sinking too deeply into sadness and anger.

Sometimes when it comes, I don't fight it, but I choose to feel it. I feel the sadness, and I feel the overwhelming anger at the injustice of it all. I feel like I can do that because I know I won't be able to stay there for too long. The world keeps spinning and I have to keep moving with it, not out of choice but necessity. I'd like to think that, if it had happened to me instead of my wife, she'd find moments of solace in the midst of the overwhelming powerlessness that the loss of our spouse brings to bear. I find them when I think of her. Odd that in the midst of the saddest times of my life, when I am missing her the most, I am reminded of how lucky I was to have found her in the first place, to have spent the time that I did with her. And yes, even though I miss her terribly, I'm finding that it is better for me to remember her warmly, and to know that she loved me, than to be angry for what I lost, because nothing will change what happened. It's not always easy, but I seem to keep coming back to that. 

I hope you find some peace, Ashley, and a way to return to that peace again and again in the future. Take care of you.

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4Hdad, that's very wise advice, choosing to focus on the blessing that was your life together. Realizing that anger at the situation wouldn't change anything and would more than likely create long term problems with coping or even within the family. Well said 4Hdad. 

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Hi Ashley, 

I am deeply sorry for your loss. I can't offer any advice but I see that these other amazing people have already. I am 12 days after losing my fiancé unexpectedly and I have the exact feelings as you. I just can't see past this immense pain. It will be 3 wks before I return to work and like u i am terrified although everyone has been supportive at work, I am having a hard time just getting out to do anything. All I want to do is lay in bed hoping to sleep not avoid thinking. I am truly sorry and I understand the pain. 

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31 minutes ago, Cat said:

Hi Ashley, 

I am deeply sorry for your loss. I can't offer any advice but I see that these other amazing people have already. I am 12 days after losing my fiancé unexpectedly and I have the exact feelings as you. I just can't see past this immense pain. It will be 3 wks before I return to work and like u i am terrified although everyone has been supportive at work, I am having a hard time just getting out to do anything. All I want to do is lay in bed hoping to sleep not avoid thinking. I am truly sorry and I understand the pain. 

Hang in there Cat, and I know that sounds a little to simple, but it will ease up. Whether it's our mind and bodies coping or it's just a matter of getting used to this state of sadness, it does get a little more bearable. It's so raw for you, the wound is still fresh and the pain is constant. I'm just now getting to a point where I don't feel agony every moment. The loss has cast a shadow over everything, it's not ever going away, but it's becoming part of every day life now, like nightfall or hunger or wind in the grass, it's now a permanent fixture in my life. Once you reach that point, that terribly sad point, things will ease up. But you, me, all of us, still have very difficult days ahead of us, so please, hang in there. 

Peace and comfort,

Andy

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15 hours ago, 4Hdad said:

We just have to get through this moment.

That's so very true!  Even now, after all these years, I still remind myself, I only have to get through today.  And then tomorrow I have to do it all over again.  I really can't bite off more than that.

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Ashley28,  I feel your pain in your post, we all do. I am sorry for your loss. Not just losing your beloved, but a future planned with him as well. Just breathe. Just keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the other. All of us have been placed on a new path in life. It is heart ripping, lonely and scary. We stumble and fall more times than we can count. Just keep getting up, you can do this! When you feel like crying, do it. When you feel like crawling into bed with the covers over your head to shut out the world, do it. Take care of yourself and do what you need to do for you. (HUGS)

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Thank you Andy for your words. It is helpful to hear others words that have been through this. It doesn't make it easier and i know it won't for a long time but it helps to be able to write how i am feeling and know that people understand. Family, friends and coworkers are supportive but they don't understand the depth of my sadness, loneliness and despair at times... Thank you and take care

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Cat,

It helped me, being at work.  Coming home was the hard part because that was "our time" and he wasn't there.  Work was a distraction, plus everyone was so supportive there.

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Thank you KayC for msg. I am not looking forward to returning to work but my coworkers and supervisors have been very supportive checking on me. Its just a lack of desire to really do anything without him. I feel like there is no point except to pay some bills. I don't want to plan anything, i don't want to enjoy anything without him. Sorry i am being so depressing when u have all been so supportive and trying to help. Praying for all of you going through this difficult process. 

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I am so sorry - I'm 4 months; in and still can't fix my mind on this reality.   Married for nearly 45 years, I can't imagine not seeing him again on this earth.   For you to witness such a terrible scene must have been so devastating for you; I am glad his daughter didn't witness it.   I'm also glad you have a support group of friends that will comfort you during this difficult time.  I also see a grief counselor along with a grief support group that I am very satisfied with - both are a great comfort to me.  I want you to prepare yourself for this long hard difficult road head of you. 

On 4/7/2017 at 5:25 PM, Ashley28 said:

i miss him so so SO bad, my heart aches so much all the time.

Of course you miss him - you've lost the man you planned on living your life with; a man you wanted to grow old with; a man you wanted to have adventures with and never stop holding hands; a man you wanted to be the father of your children; a man you loved with your entire being - of course you miss him, you're suppose to.   Yes your heart aches - a broken heart is the worst. It's like having broken ribs; nobody can see it, but the pain is unbearable everytime you breathe.   You are grieving and it takes no prisoners - Grief is ugly and painful.  Grief is not linear; it's not a slow progression forward healing, it's a zigzag, a terrible back-and-forth from devastation to OK until finally there are more OK patches and fewer devastating ones.  Count your blessings not your heartaches.  Remember because he lived and loved you, your life is much richer, fuller and brighter.  Always remember that; remember all the memories you created and shared.  You will meet again only this time you won't ever have to worry about parting - this time, it will be for eternity; now that will be amazing.

Your situation may look impossible but be encouraged; the faith of God is at work in your life.  There are moments of favor God has already established in your future  You may not understand today or tomorrow, but eventually, God will reveal why you went through everything you did.  God is always there for you 24 hours a day and HE will never forsake you.  God's timing is perfect. HE's never late; it takes a little patience and a whole lot of faith, but definitely worth the wait.  Open your heart and watch God work his magic in your life.
 

 
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Cat,

I still sometimes feel that lack of desire to do anything, like a low grade depression.  Not enough to have to take pills, but enough to feel uninspired about life. :(  At least, not like I used to.

All we can do is put one foot in front of another (to coin Darrel's term) and take a day at a time.  Try to embrace what good there is in life, the friends and family you have, anything that is good that still exists.

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KayC, 

Thank you for your words. I am trying but it is so overwhelming when i think that i won't see him again. I just never knew something could hurt so much. Hugs and prayers to you...

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Cat, You will see your fiance' again. You'll see him in your memories, feel him in your heart. You'll see him in dreams. He'll be the one waiting for you with open arms when it is your turn to leave this life. He walks beside you in spirit and will be the inner voice guiding you through life. (HUGS)

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KMB, 

Thank you for post. It made me cry, having emotional day 2 weeks today that he passed. Thank you again. Hugs to you as well. 

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Cat, Your loss is a fresh, raw, open wound. When I was at 2 weeks, I was a shaky, crying mess, trying to make arrangements and decisions all by myself. Just breathe, take your time. (HUGS)

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Cat, Francine brings up a very important point, grief is not linear. It's a crazy schizophrenic emotion that has you thinking "okay, I might can do this" and the next moment "This cannot be happening! I can't live without my beloved!" It's a terrible state of change, unseen triggers, sorrow lies waiting to ambush you. I call it being "sucker punched", managing relatively well and out of the blue you get hit with a wave of anguish. 

A note on the so called "stages of grief". The 5 stages people often refer to were established by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book "On Death and Dying". What most people don't know is that her work was based on people who were dying and the common stages or patterns those with impending death often underwent. It was NOT a study of those suffering loss, and Elisabeth Kübler-Ross herself understood the limitations her research had when applied to those outside her study. Sure, many of the components are exactly the same, but, because of our "surviving" perspective, still being alive, our grieving is different. My point, I guess, is don't allow yourself to get stuck in the idea that if you aren't grieving according to those 5 stages, then something is wrong, you aren't "normal". As Francine said, this grieving will take many forms and in any order it d@mn well feels like. What you feel, when you feel it, the intensity or duration, there is no right way or pattern. You're going to make it though, you're going to find a way, you will "live", it's probably going to be the most difficult thing you'll ever do, but you WILL find your way. 

Love and comfort to you,

Andy

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Her book has been disputed by professionals in the time since.  We have different stages of grief, yes, but not all the same and not all in the same order and it can go back and forth or simultaneously or we might not have one of the stages.  It's not set in stone as depicted in that book.  Here's another book debunking it: https://www.amazon.com/Truth-About-Grief-Stages-Science/dp/1439148341

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Thank you Andy, KayC, and KMB, 

I appreciate all of you and your msgs. Its true that as helpful as family and friends are, if they haven't been through it, its hard for them to really understand. Thank you all for being there. Hugs and prayers for all of you

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We are all mutually here for each other, in our own ways, I am so thankful for on line forums, I don't know how people handled it before computers.

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I've been having an incredibly difficult night tonight, and decided to open this site back up. 

It really is such a comfort seeing so many people talk about what they are going through or gone through. It's very easy to feel completely alone in this strange new world and this makes me feel a little bit less alone. 

Just seeing how much strangers care for each other and are willing to take the time out of their own lives to help others is just amazing. 

I hate TIME. The concept of time.... "it takes time" "one day at a time" "one minute at a time".... I've never seen time take so long in my entire life. Every day seems endless, every night seems endless. Every minute feels longer than the last..... I do feel like life is somewhat on autopilot right now... but I still have to feel the roller coaster of emotions as well. I wish autopilot meant you could turn EVERYTHING off. 

I will say one of the things besides friends that I've found comfort in is just being outside in nature. It's funny because my boyfriend didn't particularly care to be outside much, he was an inside boy, but I still feel a bit closer to him in nature. There's a calm there that helps rid my brain of some of the commotion and I'm somewhat able to have a clearer head.

anyway I'll turn my gabbing off, thanks to everyone that's on this site, and I hope one day I can be a comfort to others going through this hell. 

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Ashley, 

I understand how u are feeling and about the time... I am too early in the process to offer any good advice but just to tell u that i am feeling what u are feeling. I have written some on this site and everyone is so knowledgeable and they all get what we are feeling as they have all been there. I am thinking of u and praying for u to have a better night and better day tomorrow. Sending u big HUGS! 

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Ashley,

Everything you said I can relate to.  I smiled at your putting into words what I've felt:

12 hours ago, Ashley28 said:

I've never seen time take so long in my entire life.

It's true!  It's worse than a child waiting for Christmas.  It can seems like a prison sentence.  But it's also true that it helps to stay in today and not try and take on too much (the whole rest of your life), it's too much to contemplate.

I have also found that nature helps me.  Maybe because we realize we're part of something bigger and they're "out there somewhere".  My husband and I always did love nature though, we loved our drives, our walks, our hikes.  I miss him so much.

It really does help to be here with people who "get it".

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Ashley28, We used to consider time as a friend, now it feels like an enemy. It crawls along, seeming to intensify our grieving. KayC is right, stay in the present day. It is enough. Our tomorrows will come, but thinking about those can be overwhelming.

Being outside does have a calming influence. My husband and I spent a lot of time outdoors. I too feel closer to him when I'm outside. It is said that Heaven is all around us outside. I can believe that.

Prayers and hugs

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