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Fairy tale without a happy ending


yuyu

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Hi Guys,

I want to share my story. I'm 32 years old and my wife is 25 years old we are both living in Manila, Philippines.

March 11, 2017 - Happiest day of my life, this is the day that I married my soulmate, we were together for 8 years as boyfriend and girlfriend. When I see her walked that aisle my tears suddenly falling not because I'm sad but because finally after 8 years we are now husband and wife, so when I take her hand the first words that came out of my mouth is "Hun you are so beautiful and this is it" We are so happy that it feels like a dream, it was magic and everything that we planned on that day became reality. Now the faithful day arrives March 17, 2017 - We were just spending our honey moon in one the Islands in the Philippines,  afternoon at around 3pm Philippine time we were just walking it the beach front, the tide is low when suddenly a huge wave caught us and drag us in deep waters, my wife didn't know how to swim so I immediately grab her and hold her tight and telling her that don't worry I'm here but the current is too strong and the waves are pulling us far from the shores. I passed out, It was the longest thought in my life, I'm thinking that I'm dead and praying for my wife that she can survive this ordeal when suddenly I woke up and I started vomiting sea water I didn't realize that our hands is still holding so with my last ounce of strength I pulled her and signal for rescue. When we reach the local hospital they declare that my wife is already dead. I started shouting and cried for help and keep asking the doctors to revive my wife begging them but they just give a nod and sorry statements. Everything crumbles and shatters in front of my eyes, this is the worst day of my life speechless and my mind is in state for shock praying to the heavens to exchange my life with hers but no answer.

Now Its been 3 Weeks since my wife passed away but still the emptiness and sorrow clouds me everyday don't know how long can I cope up with this. I started going back to work and see what will happen. I have many questions that I want to ask in life. I missed my wife, my partner and my love.     

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yuyu  --  Oh my God, I am so very sorry for your loss.  Yours did sound like a fairy tale romance and I am so sorry it didn't end like one.  Eight years is such a short amount of time, but the brief time spent together, you loved a lifetime.  You both were so young with your entire life to live.  I can only imagine the pain and shock you are in; the guilt you must feel is undescribable; and the emptiness, overwhelming.   It is hard, I know, and your world is foggy with dark clouds right now, know that eventually, the fog will dissipate and the sky will become clear.  

We never lose the ones we love, never.  They are with us no matter what, they never disappear from our lives; we are merely in different rooms - different realms - different levels of consciousness.  I've found that remembering the good things helps me through.  You will shed tears that she is gone, but you can also smile because she lived.  You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back, or you can look around and see all that she left.   Your heart will be empty because you can't see her, but it can also be full of the love you shared with her.   You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.  You mind will tell that she's gone but your heart will cherish her memory and let it live on.  You can cry, close your mind to everything, be empty and turn your back, but you can do what She would have wanted you to do, Smile, Open your eyes, Love and Live. 

I know, sometimes we just cannot bare the pain, but I know God will never give us more than we can take;  HE may let you bend a little, but HE will never let you break.  HE doesn't give you what you think you can handle, HE helps you handle what you are given.

The two of you will meet again, only this time, it will be forever in eternity.  That, my friend, is going to be amazing.   I do hope you continue to post here - know that we on this forum are here for you whenever you want to talk, cry or just be heard.   Know that her spirit is with God, and she is at peace.

 
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yuyu,  So heart rending to read of your loss on your honeymoon, and in such a horrendous way. I am so sorry. I know words have little effect, but my heart is behind them. Please know that we are here for you.This forum has become my life line. I hope it becomes yours as well. My prayers going out to you and a hug.

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Thank you Francine and KMB,

After posting my story here I feel like some of the heavy feeling went away.  

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yuyu,

That is the most heartbreaking story I've heard, you still on your honeymoon and lost your wife, how horrible!  Your picture together is so beautiful.  I am so sorry for your loss, and pray you find some comfort here and strength to go on.

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Yuyu,This is just the most awful,painful thing I can imagine happening to someone.Seeking help I think is very advisable.You must be so traumatised.Maybe there is a group you could join.It does not have to be church.

I wish you strength.

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soursunrise

This is literally a dream turning into the worst nightmare. I'm very sorry for your loss!

Please try to live through the pain that is a given right now - I know it is very hard, I'm in a somewhat similar situtation. If you can find people to talk to - do that, if you feel you're falling down the pit of despair, consider going to a therapist. Generally, do what helps ease your pain without harming yourself: cry a lot, eat when you can and feel like it, hug her stuff, write letters to her...

Let your great love unfold in grief and let it evolve into that warm feeling in the back of your heart.

From all my heart, I wish you success on your journey, and I feel that by giving you a hand I also help myself out.

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My church is my extended family.  It's good to have that.  I don't know your spiritual beliefs but this seems to be a time we think about them.  It is important to have a support system around you.

Have you considered a grief support group?

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I am a catholic. Now I'm trying to find a local support community. Thank you all for your advise and help. 

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Catholic hospitals can offer excellent support groups.  Generally one of the hospital chaplains or a palliative care doctor at he hospital can locate a good fit for you. Also, schedule frequent visits with your doctor. It is not so high a risk at your age, but I am in my 50's and my doctor spent two hours with me explaining that there is up to a 90% increase in injury or serious illness after a death of a spouse. Try to walk 30 minutes a day, eat five fruits and vegetables daily and sleep eight hours. There are plenty of non addictive sleep aids with minimal side effects. You may also want to download a copy of the book:The Tender Scar, Life After the Death of a Spouse.

What you are going through is terrible. It is, however, a shared experience of all members of this very helpful group. Post often and ask questions or just vent.

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yuyu, Are you asking about grieving movies? I've never really heard of any. You might want to check youtube for grief support related videos.  (HUGS)

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Most of the movies I've seen about losing a spouse involve them moving on and falling in love.  Not very helpful at this stage.  I do think there was a Robin Williams one but it's been so long I don't remember what happens, I just remember him grieving.

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KayC,  There is a Robin Williams movie, What Dreams May Come. I think that is the title. A friend brought it up and advised me NOT to watch it during this time. A married couple, one of whom passes away and the other contemplates suicide and the other in Heaven is trying to stop it from happening.  I have seen a lot of Robin Williams movies, but not this one, otherwise I would remember it.

Hope your eye is recovering well.

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yuyu, Grieving a loss is complete devastation. It changes who we are and life as we knew it.  Being trapped in the space is one way to look at it. We are in this empty void, a foreign land, where nothing is the same or familiar. So many conflicting emotions. We are lost, having no sense of direction. You will get through this. Baby steps, one day at a time. Take care of yourself, take your time and do what you need to for yourself. Going with the emotions, facing the grief head on is the only way to the other side.

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Tried reading some stories and experience on this forum, we all feel the same emptiness, sorrow, shattered, etc... it doesn't matter what the story is. Is there someone here who overcome this feelings? 

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On 4/7/2017 at 6:22 PM, yuyu said:

Thank you Francine and KMB,

After posting my story here I feel like some of the heavy feeling went away.  

This is exactly why it is so helpful to come here to talk!!!!  Do it as often as you need to.

I am so terribly sorry for your loss.  It was a terrible way to lose your love (not that there is ever a good way).

 

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Yuyu, I am so very sorry for your terrible loss.  Just so tragic. My heart aches for you.  

My partner was killed 65 weeks ago and looking back I know the effects of shock sheilded me from more pain than I could bear for quite a few months.  I have read, and found it to be very true, that telling our story over and over, helps us cope.  You will soon know which friends and family members are comfortable to hear it over and over.  They will be in pain watching your pain, and wishing they could ease it for you. 

I was also seeing a psychologist who was also trained in hypnotherapy - the meditation type.  I still find this very beneficial for relaxation and listen to a particular hypno guy on YouTube.  My jaw and teeth used to ache from tension. 

Sending you strength and hugs. 

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yuyu, Good question, *Why do we have to endure this*?  No really good answer, unless you want to consider we are humans and were given all these emotions that affect us. The intensity of our grieving equals the intensity of which we love. It is going to take you a very long time to absorb and process your loss. We were dealt a traumatic blow that will take patience and time to overcome. There are going to be many dark days. Then, the dark will fade to grey days. Eventually, hopefully, through the grey you will be able to see light. Seeing the light will give you hope that you are going to survive. You have the will power and inner strength to keep struggling through each day. (HUGS)

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2 hours ago, yuyu said:

Thank you M88, also sorry for your loss. Why do we have to endure this?

more dark days to come 

Why we have to endure this is an ultimate question. Theologians and philosophers have grappled with this for millennia. Some of the answers may make intellectual sense until one undergoes the experience of the death of a spouse or loved one.

When asked, many clergy are trained to respond "I do not know why this happened. But, I do know that God will comfort you."

If the afterlife is as I hope and expect, answers will not really matter in God's presence.

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I got an idea, I will try to set some short terms goals.

1. learn to drive

2. Boxing

3. Basketball

4. Bike project

Will keep posting here for updates.

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That sounds good.  It helps to have something to occupy yourself with if you can concentrate.  The boxing especially will be good for letting out feelings, venting.

She's be proud of you!

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yuyu, I second KayC. Short term goals will keep you on the right path of helping yourself through this painful process. Just take your time with things so you don't feel overwhelmed. Your wife will be watching over you and proud that you are trying for yourself and for her. (HUGS)

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Its lenten season here in our country, instead of a usual outing in the beach or resort I invited all her family to a picnic in the cementery. Some of my friends advise me to distance my self to her family because I might remember or hurt my self in the process, but its the opposite I feel relieve and relax. I also want to be with her family and strengthen my relationship with them. For two days I didn't feel lonely  and grieving, I wish everyday is just like this day but I know when I got back to work again I will feel down and lonely. Praying and wishing for me and her family to get over this trial in life. Thank you for this online forum that I can share my feelings and emotion. 

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yuyu, What a great idea to hold a picnic with her family! I'm glad you had that opportunity for being able to share with them. This life is all about our relationships, giving and receiving love. Love is the legacy we leave behind and your wife left you and her family much love and memories to share.

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I am glad you had that time with them, and I can imagine it meant a lot to them as well.  I disagree with your friends, staying close to her family can be of help to you and them.  The only time I'd feel different is when families are abusive, that happens a lot.  I wish you more days where you can feel better.

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One month has passed...  I still miss her. Still thinking of her every second.

I have a question, My Brother-in-law's girlfriend has a friend that claims that she can talk to dead ones and can relay messages that we want to tell. Do I need this? Even though I'm skeptical if its true or not. 

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Yuyu

I was sceptical also, i have never been to any spiritualist ever before but i went to see a lady that had been recommended to me, i was truly astounded, she said things to me that no one apart from me and my partner knew, she even said his name to me, and there was no way she even knew that i had lost anyone, i did not tell her anything about myself or my loss, all i can say to you is to go with an open mind and not expect too much, there are a lot of people that pretend to have the knowledge of the afterlife. It left me with comfort because whether you believe in god and heaven (i dont, not anymore anyway) i now believe i will be reunited with him again in an afterlife and that gives me comfort and peace, i wish you well yuyu, take care x

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yuyu, That is a subject that is best left for you to decide on. Not everyone believes in an afterlife or mediums. Personally, I have had a couple of medium readings and a great connection was made with my husband. He gave validation messages for things that only him and I would know about. I was given comfort and some answers. Even though he can no longer be physically present, his spirit (personality and memories intact) are just in a different realm than this earth realm. i agree with Meesh and her post. Take care.

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2 hours ago, yuyu said:

One month has passed...  I still miss her. Still thinking of her every second.

I have a question, My Brother-in-law's girlfriend has a friend that claims that she can talk to dead ones and can relay messages that we want to tell. Do I need this? Even though I'm skeptical if its true or not. 

You may want to take a look at Stafford Betty's 2016 book. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/author/sbetty-559   He is one of the most prominent academics that studies the afterlife and has a chapter on mediums. He does conclude that some are authentic.

The topic of After Death Communications or "ADC's" is gaining popularity. One of the better selling books on the topic is written by Bill Guggenheim.

There are readily available YouTube lectures and interviews by these authors and you may want to watch some of those before ordering.

Some people have found the approaches to be helpful. There is probably little risk if you pay only a a reasonable fee, only use very reputable practitioners, never get asked for anything else of value, and it does not become an obsession.

 

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43 Days and counting...

It still pains me to this day but I already accepted it that this is my life now.

From the list below so far the bike project takes my time now, I travel long distance every weekend with my bike. Maybe my next task is to buy a Dog, they say dogs can feel your sadness and they can cheer you up. Aside from belgian malinois do you have other breeds in mind? Please advise thank you in advance. 

1. learn to drive

2. Boxing

3. Basketball

4. Bike project - Check

5. Buy a Dog (belgian malinois) - New task

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33 minutes ago, yuyu said:

Aside from belgian malinois do you have other breeds in mind? Please advise thank you in advance. 

Dogs are wonderful companions.  You may be very happy with any of several dozen breeds.

But, you need to answer a series of questions. What is your experience level with dogs? How much space do you have for the dog? How much time to you have to be with the dog and give it exercise? And many others.

This is a link to one of many sites that helps you evaluate which breed is best for you.  http://www.akc.org/find-a-match/#slide1

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yuyu, I'm glad to see you are doing as well as can be expected and working on your list. Weekend bike trips give you a focus and exercise, good for the mind and body. I agree with AceBasin if you are thinking of a dog. If this will be a first dog companion, do your research.There are a lot of factors when considering a pet. Where will the dog be when you are on your weekend bike trips? Ask around for others opinions on veterinarians. Find one that is committed to animal care and not your pocketbook.   Take care.

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I'll put in a good word for us 'cat people'.  It's amazing how much of a comfort my cat has been.  He's right there every time I'm crying.  It is nice to come home to another living thing.  Good luck with whatever pet you choose.

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It really does depend on what you're looking for.  My dog I consider to be my "dog soul mate" if there is such a thing, he's perfect for me!  Siberian Huskies, are energetic, headstrong (I like that because I can relate), and mine is goofy, super smart, and loving.  I love his sense of humor and totally adore him.

It might be good to spend time with dogs and get to know the different breeds before making that decision as they vary so much.  Some are laid  back and lazy.  Others require a lot of exercise, fetching ball, running.  

Cats are all so different, if you can be told something about them before you adopt them it helps know if they're a good fit.  Some enjoy being lap cats (mine doesn't) others are very interactive.  Mine is very interactive, comes with quite the attitude (my daughter calls it Cat-ittude), takes a grumpy paranoid stance, and is extremely active for her age (she's 21 and in great health).  The one I lost last June was more of a lap cat, liked to sleep a lot, very feminine and dainty.  I've never had two alike!

Golden Retrievers are very sweet and loving (mine has that also in him).

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My wife and I have a Persian cat and he's with me now but the thing is our cat is quite moody and doesn't play with me. I want a pet that I can share my activity with but don't get me wrong I love our cat.

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yuyu, Cats are wonderful home companions. I have one dog and one cat. They both bring me comfort and the dog accompanies me everywhere outside or running errands. Whether you decide on buying a dog or adopting, maybe you can spend some time at a local shelter spending time with dogs, asking about various breeds or mixed breeds. Also, keep in mind, not all dogs get along with cats and vice versa. My cat tolerates my dog, but if she had her way, he'd disappear. She has her queen bee attitude and she hates other dogs and will hide upstairs if someone stops over with their dog.

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That's sounds trouble cat and dog. Well maybe I will have to test it personally. Our cat can have my room while the dog can have the garage. That is what I'm thinking I can bring the dog outside to accompany me. Thanks

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Dogs need more interaction than being banished to the garage.  They like to follow you around and be with you.

Not all cats take to dogs, it took my cat quite a while but she finally accepted him.  My other cat loved dogs.

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yuyu, I agree with KayC. I'm not intending to turn you off from acquiring a dog, but they are social animals and enjoy being with their pet parent, not kept in a garage.  If you decide to bring a dog home, it will take time for the dog and your cat to adjust to each other and they both should be given free access to the whole house, not kept in separate rooms. That would put undue stress on them. They will adjust and might even become best buddies.

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It does take a while for the cat to adjust if they're not used to dogs, but they do eventually draw a truce.  The dog is usually easier about it, although they should not be allowed to chase the cat, nor the cat to hurt the dog, which they can do out of defensiveness.

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Thank you KayC,

Depression is kicking in my mind today, all of a sudden I feel hopeless, crying in the corner of my room. I mis my wife so much. I read a lot of your advise here and I tried to calculate and anticipate this moment but still the weight is still unbearable. God help us... 

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bradley1985
On 4/9/2017 at 5:31 PM, yuyu said:

How about movies? Is there any? Thank you

Here is a movie.  I dont know if it helps but its a movie i watch over and over.  Made by a man who lost his wife.

His story here:

http://goodtimefilm.tumblr.com/storysofar

1:15 minute movie here:
https://vimeo.com/125122060

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