Being Alone

[cp9042]

I have been feeling so alone since my husband passed away. He and I talked about when we grew older, that we would not let the other put us in a nursing home.  But now I don't have the "other", and I feel like there is no one to take care of me.  He did everything for me, and I feel at a loss.  

[KMB]

cp9042, I understand how you feel. I used to tease my husband that if anything happened to him, I would be alone in my old age and who would help me. We were supposed to go into old age together. My teasing is now my reality. I have no intention of ending up in a nursing home. My husband and both of his parents passed over in this old farmhouse. I intend on doing the same. If I get to the point where I need help, there is hospice and home health care agencies. I've visited friends who had spent time in nursing homes. Gloomy, tiny rooms. No sense of the comfort of home. Less than caring staff. That is not for me.

I miss my husband every second. Just like you. I do get a sense though that he is watching over me.

[Francine]

1 hour ago, cp9042 said:

I have been feeling so alone since my husband passed away. He and I talked about when we grew older, that we would not let the other put us in a nursing home.  But now I don't have the "other", and I feel like there is no one to take care of me.  He did everything for me, and I feel at a loss.  

I know what you're feeling.  My husband and I talked about the 'what if' if one of us would die before the other.  He always said that I would outlive him and I, of course, didn't want to here that, so we both agreed we would go together.   Neither one of us had any idea it would be so soon. I figured we had at least 15 years before any of us made our transition.   I was wrong.  He was my rock and I always felt safe as long as he was around; no matter what, he would not let anything happen to me.  Even when his health started to fail, I never for one second felt unsafe.  Now, all that has changed; I feel alone; no one really gives me that 'safe' feeling anymore.   My children are wonderful; they love me and do their best looking after me, but it's just not nor will it ever be the same.   I may not be alone, but I'm lonely.  You can have the entire world around you and still feel completely alone.

I pray that God enlighten what's dark in you; strengthen what's weak in you; mend what's broken in you and revive whatever peace and love that may have died in you.  God bless you and keep you, keep us all, safe.

 

[AceBasin]

Despite friends and family, the loneliness in the quiet times is palpable. 

While my wife was undergoing chemotherapy, I was very concerned that she maintain her weight. It became a joke at our house that all she had to do was say she wanted an obscure food item and I would go get it. One day I noticed on my phone that I had walked over 1.5 miles through four grocery stores getting the items on her list, and that was not unusual. 

As you mention, missing the other is tough. 

[Andy]

6 hours ago, cp9042 said:

I have been feeling so alone since my husband passed away. He and I talked about when we grew older, that we would not let the other put us in a nursing home.  But now I don't have the "other", and I feel like there is no one to take care of me.  He did everything for me, and I feel at a loss.  

Loneliness is the one thing, more than any other, I was completely unprepared for. I described it like standing at the edge of cliff, darkness everywhere, only my immediate surrounding illuminated. Nothing behind me, in front was terrifying uncertainty, no voice, no vision, nothing but cold emptiness. That's how I felt for the first 2 months. Now that I'm a little over 3 months (unreal!) into this, the sorrow of loneliness has subsided a tiny bit. I'm still very alone, I'm still in a state of perpetual sadness, but my "mind" is growing accustomed to it. My heart, not so much. 

My wife, on several occasions, would tell me she would die before me. Of course I made light of it, saying "no way, I've taken care of you all these years, I expect that when you get better, I'll become old and feeble and you'll have to take care of me." That was my plan anyway. I understand everything you're feeling, knowing that all those assumptions made out of hope and love, are now gone. I've often said that after my wife passed away, there are no more tomorrows. There isn't, it's just a hope, but we have to operate on the assumption that tomorrow will come. It's the only way we, as humans, can function. I can't talk about the day our daughter was born with my wife, I can't talk about our first meeting, first kiss, marriage, our mistakes and our triumphs, the only person on this earth, that cares as much as I do about those things, is gone. Thus my "future",wiped clean, is gone. I'm "only" 45, presumably (I have to live like this is so) I'll have another 25-50 years, and spending that much time without my wife is almost too much for me to bare. I think about living alone, growing further distant from "society", having no one to share things with, no one to take care of me, and ultimately, I think about dying alone. I really have no idea what I'm to do with myself, and other than my daughter, I have no one to "live" for. 

I know you're lonely, I know you're afraid, and I wish I could give you some magic insight to this horrible state, but I can't. My best advice though, just hang in there, allow life to just unfold for you. Allow room for "possibilities", let yourself grieve as long and how you wish, let yourself begin to smile, to find peace. All in all, it's just a terrible, undefinable world of sadness we're in now. Some days, breathing is enough. 

Hoping you find some small measure of comfort, 

Andy

[KayC]

cp,

I feel the same way.  It's been almost 12 years since he died and I've since retired and I'm alone all the time, even when I'm around people it seems.  Going through surgeries without him and my kids don't call and check on me, it leaves me feeling very alone and uncared about.  The others in my grief support group have kids that help them and are more involved in their lives.  It's not a good feeling to feel so alone.  All I can do is do my best for myself and not panic.

[KMB]

KayC---Are you having your follow-up today from your eye surgery? Hope you are recovering well and the cyst doesn't regrow.

Yeah, this living alone,feeling lonely, feeling afraid, is quite the challenge. Whenever my demise happens, I hope it is quick. I would like to go the way my husband did. Sudden cardiac arrest in our home. Just my personal thoughts --- my kids live quite a distance away. They could not afford to leave their jobs to sit with me through a long illness.

[cp9042]

Thank you all so much for your kind words.  I have to realize this is my new "normal" now.  

KMB - I understand the feeling.  I hope when my time comes, it is quick also.  I do not want to linger and I dont want to be a burden on anyone else.

Francine - I felt the same way even when my husband was undergoing chemotherapy, and was getting weaker.  At least he was there, and he kept me safe.  Funny isn't it? He was weaker in flesh and mind, but my rock always.

AceBasin - I felt really alone while getting groceries.  The first time I went to the store after my husband passed, I kept thinking "Stuart would really like that", only to realize that he wasn't there.  I am finding in everything I do, that although he is not physically here, he is here in my head, and heart always.

Andy - Your words do bring me comfort.  It is hard for me to know that he is gone, and accept that as fact. All I keep thinking is "why isnt he here anymore?"  Why him"?  I know there are no answers to these questions, but hopefully one day acceptance will come.

KayC - I am so sorry that you too have to go through life alone.  I have to make a decision this year whether or not to move closer to my sons and my niece in California.  I would have to give up a job, but I am not sure that the job will continue to be here after this year anyway.  It is a big decision, but I think I will go,because I want to be close to my family.  Prayers to you.

 

[Andy]

Cp9042, I certainly can understand your wanting to be closer to family. Being alone is hard to describe to people, especially this loneliness brought on by loss. It's not just a matter of physically being alone, it's the awareness that your foundation has been torn from underneath you. We are physically and emotionally alone, we've lost that sanctuary we relied on, our other half that made the world bearable. Family is sometimes the only refuge left to us. I have my parents and my daughter. I fear what's coming for me in the not to distant future. 

I know you have a big decision ahead of you, and perhaps you've made your mind up, but either way, I think it'll work out. It's good that you have a support system that sounds like they'll help you along the way. 

Peace and comfort,

Andy

[KayC]

You guys are all so sweet.  I may have to have an additional surgery to remove the scar tissue in my eye on down the road, but unless there's problems, won't have to go back for six months.

CP, I really understand wanting to be with family, I wish I was closer to my kids, but it'd also mean starting over, I've been here 40 years and feel this is where my life is.

[cp9042]

Andy:

Thank you for your support.  I won't make any decisions for a while.  I have a hard time just coming to work, let alone make a life altering decision.  I will pray on it, and hope a decision will come.

Thank you for your support.

[Panda]

On 07/04/2017 at 9:41 AM, Andy said:

Loneliness is the one thing, more than any other, I was completely unprepared for. I described it like standing at the edge of cliff, darkness everywhere, only my immediate surrounding illuminated. Nothing behind me, in front was terrifying uncertainty, no voice, no vision, nothing but cold emptiness. That's how I felt for the first 2 months. Now that I'm a little over 3 months (unreal!) into this, the sorrow of loneliness has subsided a tiny bit. I'm still very alone, I'm still in a state of perpetual sadness, but my "mind" is growing accustomed to it. My heart, not so much. 

My wife, on several occasions, would tell me she would die before me. Of course I made light of it, saying "no way, I've taken care of you all these years, I expect that when you get better, I'll become old and feeble and you'll have to take care of me." That was my plan anyway. I understand everything you're feeling, knowing that all those assumptions made out of hope and love, are now gone. I've often said that after my wife passed away, there are no more tomorrows. There isn't, it's just a hope, but we have to operate on the assumption that tomorrow will come. It's the only way we, as humans, can function. I can't talk about the day our daughter was born with my wife, I can't talk about our first meeting, first kiss, marriage, our mistakes and our triumphs, the only person on this earth, that cares as much as I do about those things, is gone. Thus my "future",wiped clean, is gone. I'm "only" 45, presumably (I have to live like this is so) I'll have another 25-50 years, and spending that much time without my wife is almost too much for me to bare. I think about living alone, growing further distant from "society", having no one to share things with, no one to take care of me, and ultimately, I think about dying alone. I really have no idea what I'm to do with myself, and other than my daughter, I have no one to "live" for. 

I know you're lonely, I know you're afraid, and I wish I could give you some magic insight to this horrible state, but I can't. My best advice though, just hang in there, allow life to just unfold for you. Allow room for "possibilities", let yourself grieve as long and how you wish, let yourself begin to smile, to find peace. All in all, it's just a terrible, undefinable world of sadness we're in now. Some days, breathing is enough. 

Hoping you find some small measure of comfort, 

Andy

The way you describe your loneliness, is exactly the same way I am feeling. 

My husband and I also joked about who would "go" first. I used to think that it would be me that would leave first, cancer being prevalent in my family history, with both my parents dead, and both having contracted the devil's disease. My beloved husband's parents were to opposite. We went over the the UK to nurse his father a couple of years ago, who died at the ripe old age of 93, despite drinking and smoking like a chimney since he was 10! And his mother is still going strong physically (though she does now have dementia, which is really difficult).

The cruellest blow was that a bit of money had just come through from the UK solicitors (I'm talking literally just), on the day after my husband's 56's birthday which was the day the doctor rang and told him he was terminal. The months prior to this, we were looking at properties to buy with acreage (as this was our dream, sitting on the porch together in rocking chairs, surrounded by the beautiful Australian bush and all our rescued animals). So one phone call from the doctor completely changed our lives and our future was gone. We were both devastated.

I too wonder what is going to happen to me. I used to be quite paranoid of getting cancer and dying horribly like my father, so now I'm even more worried and paranoid. The doctor wants to run some blood tests (because I'm not eating and have lost so much weight since my beloved left me) but I can't bring myself to have them done. The last thing I could cope with would be if doctors found something wrong with me - then I reckon I probably would top myself instead of succumbing to what my beloved had to go through. I too won't have anyone to care for me and as you know, it's full time work and very demanding. So I'll end up in a palliative care facility most likely, the place I fought tooth and nail to keep my beloved out of so he could die in his own home.

I still have many years ahead too (unless of course I too die) and it is horrid to think of living them all alone. Yet, I could never live with someone else to take the place of my beloved. He was my world, my protector, my guide, my advisor, my best friend, and one of the few that I could truly trust. He would gladly throw himself on a bomb to save me if he had to. There was nothing he couldn't do and there was nothing he wouldn't do for me. I can't believe how badly I miss him. There is no-one on this planet who could ever possibly measure up to him.  So I guess it will just be another awful aspect of life I will somehow have to get used to. Now I'm permanently standing on the edge of oblivion, or that's what it feels like anyway. 

[KayC]

Oh man, the loneliness thing is really hard, some of the hardest parts of this.  I get out around people nearly every day, some days even crave just staying home all day, but nothing seems to cure the loneliness of not having him here with me.  Other people just are not a substitute for the extreme caring and clicking we did.