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How to deal with heartache?


Cat

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I lost my fiancé to what was most likely an overdose 9 days ago and the only times i have left the the house are for arrangements and 2x to drink with a friend because i just cannot deal with this pain. I dont even drink but I cant sleep, barely eat and i just dont want to be here. I miss him and i have so much guilt about arguing with him the day he passed. I keep replaying every argument and they were mostly because i was worried abt him but now i just put all the blame on myself because he is not here. The service is Friday and another service a week after that out of state.  I am not dealing well and all i want is to be where he is.... 

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Hi Cat,You have just lost he love of your life and you are suffering unbearable pain.I am terribly sorry that you are now member of the 'club of believed' people.None of us want to be here and none of us ever thought that would need to be here.But we are here,that is a fact of life.

I am not the first one to say it, but you are in the right place on this forum.You can say anything you want and can repeat about your agony as often as you want.We all understand what you are going through.

Try to be kind to yourself.Try not to feel too much guild, don't put blame on yourself.You argued with him because you were worried about him,because you loved him.There is nothing wrong with that.

Maybe you would like to express your feelings about him at the service.It is a chance to show the world how much you loved and love him.I wish you strength.

 

 

 

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10 hours ago, Cat said:

I lost my fiancé to what was most likely an overdose 9 days ago and the only times i have left the the house are for arrangements and 2x to drink with a friend because i just cannot deal with this pain. I dont even drink but I cant sleep, barely eat and i just dont want to be here. I miss him and i have so much guilt about arguing with him the day he passed. I keep replaying every argument and they were mostly because i was worried abt him but now i just put all the blame on myself because he is not here. The service is Friday and another service a week after that out of state.  I am not dealing well and all i want is to be where he is.... 

Cat

I'm so sorry for you, and I can feel your pain.  I was so like you after my husband died (actually, it's 4 months today - can't believe it's been that long).  Didn't want to eat, couldn't sleep and didn't want to continue this life without him.  We had been married for nearly 45 years and now he was gone - I couldn't wrap my mind around that - If I'm honest with myself, at times, I still can't.  He was my life and all I ever needed. 

I know you're in pain - the kind that you feel in your bones; the kind that takes you breath away; the kind that is constant; the pain in your mind, that can sometimes be worst than the pain in your body.  Guilt isn't always a rational thing; it has a weight that can crush you - don't let it eat you alive - you don't deserve it.  At one time or another, we've all had spats with our loved one and perhaps said things we regret; never allow yourself to feel guilty for missing someone, it's just your heart reminding you of how much you loved him.

Tthe next couple of days and perhaps weeks are going to be tough for you.  Take care of our body and mind; eat so you can sustain your strength; sleep so you can sustain your mind - love yourself, accept yourself, forgive yourself, and be good to yourself.  People will come and go from our life, but the person in the mirror will be there forever.  You are stronger than you realize; that inner strength is within you, bring it out.   Be that strong girl that everyone knew would make it through the worst; you've been through hell and back and yet you still stand.  When your earthly pilgrimage has come to an end, you will be where he is - in paradise; forever.  

God Bless you, Stay Strong because you are strong. 

 
 
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11 hours ago, Tineke Tjepkema said:

Hi Cat,You have just lost he love of your life and you are suffering unbearable pain.I am terribly sorry that you are now member of the 'club of believed' people.None of us want to be here and none of us ever thought that would need to be here.But we are here,that is a fact of life.

I am not the first one to say it, but you are in the right place on this forum.You can say anything you want and can repeat about your agony as often as you want.We all understand what you are going through.

Try to be kind to yourself.Try not to feel too much guild, don't put blame on yourself.You argued with him because you were worried about him,because you loved him.There is nothing wrong with that.

Maybe you would like to express your feelings about him at the service.It is a chance to show the world how much you loved and love him.I wish you strength.

 

Thank you Tineke Tjepkema for your words. It is truly difficult but i am trying to find some way to deal and to see how others deal with this.

 

 

 

 

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44 minutes ago, Francine said:

Cat

I'm so sorry for you, and I can feel your pain.  I was so like you after my husband died (actually, it's 4 months today - can't believe it's been that long).  Didn't want to eat, couldn't sleep and didn't want to continue this life without him.  We had been married for nearly 45 years and now he was gone - I couldn't wrap my mind around that - If I'm honest with myself, at times, I still can't.  He was my life and all I ever needed. 

I know you're in pain - the kind that you feel in your bones; the kind that takes you breath away; the kind that is constant; the pain in your mind, that can sometimes be worst than the pain in your body.  Guilt isn't always a rational thing; it has a weight that can crush you - don't let it eat you alive - you don't deserve it.  At one time or another, we've all had spats with our loved one and perhaps said things we regret; never allow yourself to feel guilty for missing someone, it's just your heart reminding you of how much you loved him.

Tthe next couple of days and perhaps weeks are going to be tough for you.  Take care of our body and mind; eat so you can sustain your strength; sleep so you can sustain your mind - love yourself, accept yourself, forgive yourself, and be good to yourself.  People will come and go from our life, but the person in the mirror will be there forever.  You are stronger than you realize; that inner strength is within you, bring it out.   Be that strong girl that everyone knew would make it through the worst; you've been through hell and back and yet you still stand.  When your earthly pilgrimage has come to an end, you will be where he is - in paradise; forever.  

God Bless you, Stay Strong because you are strong. 

 
 

Thank you Francine for sharing and I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved husband. Everything you said is how I've been feeling the last 10 days now. Even though I have family and friends that have been supportive i feel so alone without him. We had plans and didn't get enough time. Thank you for taking the time to share with me. God bless you 

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Cat, 

You will be in our thoughts and prayers as you go through the arrangements and funeral.  The pain you are experiencing we have been through, it's very hard.  We also didn't get enough time, we were only married 3 years 8 months, and he was my soul mate.  

The responses you got here are wonderful, and I say amen to Tineke and Francine.  Keep coming here, we'll be here for you.

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Thank you KayC. One of the memorials was today and another in 1 wk out of state. It was so excruciatingly difficult today, just felt like i was just watching everything and the only place i wanted to be was with him. I couldn't even get up to speak which i regret already but i couldn't stop sobbing. This pain is so raw i just can't imagine living like this. I only wanted him and just wanted a life with him. Its so unfair... I feel so broken 

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Cat,

Maybe you will be able to say something at the other one, at any rate, I'm sure everyone understood.  It's hard to even think straight at this point, it's hard to get through the day.  I hope you give yourself credit where credit is due and a big hug from me!

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Hi Cat,If you can say something at the other memorial it would be good, but if you can't then its also ok.Be kind to yourself and try not feel any guild about anything.

For a while pain is going to be present during a big part of the day.You want to scream,cry,shout and all you really want is to have him back,have hime back now.What can you do?Very little really.Ride the waves of agony and accept all the support you can get.Big hugs from Australia.

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Thank you KayC and Tineke for your words. Probably eventually i will stop blaming myself. For now, i am reliving so many moments and conversations that are just constantly running through my mind including the last 2 days. I know there is nothing i can do now but i just keep feeling i could and should have done something 12 days ago. This seems impossible to get through. Aside from a few days i have gone out to take care of necessary things, i have laid in bed all day and night hoping for some sleep to stop thinking...

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1 hour ago, Cat said:

i just keep feeling i could and should have done something

We all experience that, it's part of our grief.  I really think we're looking for a way to have a different ending.  It may not make sense but feelings don't have to make sense.

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Cat, My heart is with you. i know how hard it is to stop the mind from going constantly with all the thoughts. It does get more bearable as time goes on and we process ourselves through this ordeal. If you cannot make the out of state memorial, why not have your own ceremony privately. I believe our loved ones can hear us. Pick a time and quiet place and speak from the heart.  Journal what you want to say, and it will be a keepsake for your own privacy. My husband didn't want a service and I went with his wishes. I write him letters expressing my feelings and thoughts, my pain and the challenges I've had to daily face. Even though I can no longer have his physical presence and hear his voice, the journaling gives me a sense of peace that he can hear me.

HUGS

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KayC, i know you are right about replaying constantly just hoping wishing for different ending. Sometimes, I feel like I am going to go crazy. 

KMB, thank you for your msg and your suggestions. I already have the ticket, i am just afraid of the whole 5hr total trip as i barely made it through the memorial here yesterday. I just remember him telling me that I needed to represent him whenever we talked about going to Missouri to see the other members of his family and I met his 17 yr old niece here and she asked me to go. I felt it was important but it doesn't make it any easier of a task. I send u a big hug as well! Thank you

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