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45 Wonderful years - How to Help


Francine

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Thursday, April 4 will be 4 months that my Charles was taken from this earth and it still feels unreal.  I miss him with my entire being and the pain is still unrelenting.  On April 15 we would have celebrated 45 wonderful years of marriage.   The love we shared is endless, one for the ages, one that could have been a fairy tale and I know I'll never ever get over him, not in one year, not in a million years.  Unfortunately, my fairy tale didn't end like the ones we are accustomed to; it ended with my prince, my Charles dying and I am left miserable.  He will always be in my heart, because in there, he's alive.  I've become a new person - one that I don't know; one that I don't think I want to know - but new -  none-the-less.  The poem below is so symbolic of how I see myself and how people can help.

  • Please be gentle with this new person; That I was forced to become; I need understanding and patience; So please administer me some.
  • I often feel myself floundering; in my daily activities now; And some of the things that I used to do; Are harder to do somehow.
  • There are certain songs I can't bear to hear; and places where I cannot dwell; And just folding laundry can make me cry; Shopping for groceries as well.
  • If the smell of grilled chicken sandwiches; Has me suddenly weeping tears; Please understand that he loved those for lunch; And I made them for him for years;
  • And don't be afraid to mention his name; I need that more than you know; You are not the reason I'm hurting so much; The loss of my husband made that so;
  • Just read my post when I need to cry; And view them when I need to talk; The road that I'm on is SO damn difficult; The hardest I've ever had to walk;
  • Maybe someday I'll post his picture; And not come apart at the seams; Just tell me you know that I'm hurting so; I can't tell you how much to me that would mean;
  • They say that the pain will get softer; So be patient with me till it does; I'll never, ever be the person again; for, I'm not the ME THAT I WAS.

April is going to be a rough month for me only to be followed by his birthday, May 9 and Mother's Day, May 14.   I'll get through it all because I know my Charles will be with me - in my heart.    My faith helps me believe in somethings when common sense tells me not to.  I expect that I'll hit rock bottom again, buy God didn't say it would be easy, HE said that HE would be with us when it wasn't.  I may never understand HIS wisdom, but I simply have to trust HIS will no matter what.  

I don't think we will ever be the person we used to be; but my prayer is that we become that person our loved ones and God wants us to be.   Be Bless and Stay Strong.

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Francine, Charles was a blessed man. You are obviously a loving, devoted woman of character that ANY man would be proud to call his own, but Charles had that honor. Your admiration and love shines through your pain. It will not be denied, because as I've said before, LOVE is stronger than death.

I don't think any of us will be the same, ever. Certain characteristics of course, and we may even fool some people, but we will always know. We will still feel the loss, 5,10, 30 years from now, we will know. We will watch seasons come and go, people drift in and out of our lives, good times and bad, but we will know. We will know that we changed the day our love departed from the mortal coil. We will know sadness as few others do, we will know sorrow and grief on a first name basis. Yet, we will move forward. Changed? Yes. Beaten and defeated? We hope not. Stronger? We hope so. Francine, the loss of Charles after so many years together has to be staggering, and you'll be reeling from it for a long time, but I believe that your strength of character and your spiritual devotion will see you through. 

Grilled chicken sandwiches that you made him for years? Yes Francine, Charles is a blessed man. I can promise you, as much as you love him, the fondness in which you speak of him, the sweet memories you have with him, do not doubt ever that this was a happy and blessed man.

Heres to Charles, God keep his soul. 

Love Francine, love,

Andy  

 

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Francine, Your post brought tears to my eyes. These next 2 months will be difficult and painful, I am sorry for that. You will have God on your side and us.

*I aspire to be the widow that my husband will be proud of*

 

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Andy

Reading your post literally touched my soul.  You are so thoughtful to say such comforting words about Charles - it makes me smile and cry at the same time.  Smile because he spent the rest of his life loving me and I am so proud to be his wife and cry because I won't be able to spend the rest of my life with him.   God Bless you, bless us all.   Thanks Again, Andy, you've made my day twice today :D

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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4 minutes ago, KMB said:

Francine, Your post brought tears to my eyes. These next 2 months will be difficult and painful, I am sorry for that. You will have God on your side and us.

*I aspire to be the widow that my husband will be proud of*

 

Thanks KMB

Ditto your post - It's not easy, but we're both "Women of Strength".   A strong woman knows she has strength enough for the journey, but a 'Woman of Strength' knows it is in the journey where she will become strong.  Our journeys are long and painful, but we become stronger each step of the way.  Be Bless and stay Strong.

You know I'm sending prayers your way along with "hugs".  

 
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4 hours ago, Francine said:

Andy

Reading your post literally touched my soul.  You are so thoughtful to say such comforting words about Charles - it makes me smile and cry at the same time.  Smile because he spent the rest of his life loving me and I am so proud to be his wife and cry because I won't be able to spend the rest of my life with him.   God Bless you, bless us all.   Thanks Again, Andy, you've made my day twice today :D

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

I'm glad I can still do something good. He loved you then, he loves you now, he'll love you forever. You're both kind and considerate, remarkable traits. Bless you Francine, I hope you rest well tonight, maybe dream nice, comforting dreams. 

Love and hugs,

Andy

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Francine, 

Your post is very good, you are in my thoughts and prayers as you face tomorrow and the upcoming days.

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Hey Francine, I hope you're doing ok this morning/noon. Just checking on you. I'm hoping today is better, even in a small way. 

Love and hugs,

Andy

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13 minutes ago, Andy said:

Hey Francine, I hope you're doing ok this morning/noon. Just checking on you. I'm hoping today is better, even in a small way. 

Love and hugs,

Andy

So thoughtful of you to inquire - I am doing OK this morning; don't know what the rest of the day will bring.  I have an appointment with my grief counselor this afternoon, and that seems to always go well.  It's an opportunity for me to speak about my Charles and my feelings.  Hope your day is going well - as least well enough to be expected.  There you go again - making my day! :D

Stay strong and God bless.

 

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6 hours ago, Francine said:

So thoughtful of you to inquire - I am doing OK this morning; don't know what the rest of the day will bring.  I have an appointment with my grief counselor this afternoon, and that seems to always go well.  It's an opportunity for me to speak about my Charles and my feelings.  Hope your day is going well - as least well enough to be expected.  There you go again - making my day! :D

Stay strong and God bless.

 

Well, if I were to developed any habits, making your day would be a good one to start with. Good luck with the counselor, sounds like you have a good relationship with him or her.

Love and peace,

Andy 

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You're funny :D.   Had a good session as always.  I so look forward to seeing him on a weekly basis. He's really helping me get through this along with the people on this forum.  Don't know what state of mind I'd be in without both. 

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Francine, It does my heart good to know you are finding your grief counselor helpful. It is not always easy finding one who fits your needs. My thoughts and prayers will be with you tomorrow.

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Thanks KMB

Maybe I'll sleep the day away so I won't face the reality that it has actually been 4 months.   Maybe if I look at it differently, I won't pain so much.  Instead of thinking 4 months without him; maybe I should think of him being 4 months in paradise. 

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Francine, I've thought of that perspective many, many times. Our husbands are in the paradise of heaven. Surrounded by peace and love from God.  They no longer have to deal with this life. No longer suffering, taking chemical meds and seeing doctors. My husband was losing quality of life .Now, he has eternal life. I get comfort from this but at the same time, my heart is always heavy with the pain of our separation.

Today will be rough for you, Francine. My thoughts will be with you. Your strength and faith got you through the previous month markers, you will get through today also.

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Francine, I hope your session with the counselor was productive for you and I want you to know you're in my thoughts today and I will pray for you throughout.  You've been there for everyone else in such a caring way, and I pray that comes back to you today as you need it.  (((hugs)))

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7 hours ago, KMB said:

Francine, I've thought of that perspective many, many times. Our husbands are in the paradise of heaven. Surrounded by peace and love from God.  They no longer have to deal with this life. No longer suffering, taking chemical meds and seeing doctors. My husband was losing quality of life .Now, he has eternal life. I get comfort from this but at the same time, my heart is always heavy with the pain of our separation.

Today will be rough for you, Francine. My thoughts will be with you. Your strength and faith got you through the previous month markers, you will get through today also.

 

7 hours ago, KayC said:

Francine, I hope your session with the counselor was productive for you and I want you to know you're in my thoughts today and I will pray for you throughout.  You've been there for everyone else in such a caring way, and I pray that comes back to you today as you need it.  (((hugs)))

Ladies, thank you both for your words - since I'm joined this forum, the two of you have always made me fill welcome and comforted me in such a way, I can't begin to put in words.  I so admire you both for all you do on this site; you're always so positive, uplifting and caring and the reason so many have stayed. 

I truly believe that we don't meet people by accident; they are meant to cross our paths for a reason. God sends HIS angels to guide us.  They are there when you need them; they are there to make sure you're having a nice day or will try to make you feel better when you're really down.  They're always there to listen if you just need to talk.  Not all angels come with wings or halo flying above their heads; some come in disguise and are named KayC and KMB.   You both inspire people and you don't even know it.  Thank you for all the special things you both do and thank you for showing me that there are people like you still in this troubled world.

Sending you healing energies and angel hugs; may your worries be less and your blessings be more, and may good health and happiness come to you.

P.S.   The day is not as bad as I had thought, but it isn't over yet. 

 

 

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Francine, No thanks necessary. We are all in our private hell of grief, but have enough in our shattered pieces of our heart to give back. You have been an inspiration for me many times.

I don't know what came over me today. My intuition pushing me perhaps to get off my butt and start doing something productive. I've been getting out and doing spring yard work. Today, cold and windy. So, I had this impulse to start going through the kitchen cupboards. I started with the pantry. My husband loved a huge variety of food, some of which I didn't care for. So, I pulled everything out. What is not expired and not needed by me, I'm donating to the local food bank. Next, will be washing out the inside of the cupboards, reorganizing. My new goal is to do this with each room of the house. A thorough cleaning and downsizing. There are a few thrift shops in the area that will be getting donations from me. Except for my husbands belongings. I will not be able to touch his things for a long time yet.

Francine, I know the night isn't over for you yet, sending a prayer out for you to find peace tonight.

 

Kathy

 

 

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On 4/5/2017 at 6:57 PM, Francine said:

You're funny :D.   Had a good session as always.  I so look forward to seeing him on a weekly basis. He's really helping me get through this along with the people on this forum.  Don't know what state of mind I'd be in without both. 

I thinks it's great you've found a counselor/therapist that you feel comfortable with, that's key in being receptive to his suggestions. I'm also happy that this forum has helped you, it certainly has me. I second your assertion that KayC and KMB are angels, wonderful and kind the both of them. Don't leave yourself out though, you've done a great deal helping and encouraging others, including me. 

My wife didn't always think I was funny, she actually developed this special power of just "tuning" me out. At least I thought I was funny...

love and hugs,

Andy

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KMB, I've always found that reorganizing and throwing out unnecessary things brings me a certain peace. It's actually therapeutic when I do these mad clean ups. I think it's a positive action, you sorting, having a plan, donating items, that implies structures thinking, and means healthy thinking. Good for you, maybe you'll inspire me to start on one of my many, many projects that I need to do. 

Love and hugs,

Andy

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

Francine, No thanks necessary. We are all in our private hell of grief, but have enough in our shattered pieces of our heart to give back. You have been an inspiration for me many times.

I don't know what came over me today. My intuition pushing me perhaps to get off my butt and start doing something productive. I've been getting out and doing spring yard work. Today, cold and windy. So, I had this impulse to start going through the kitchen cupboards. I started with the pantry. My husband loved a huge variety of food, some of which I didn't care for. So, I pulled everything out. What is not expired and not needed by me, I'm donating to the local food bank. Next, will be washing out the inside of the cupboards, reorganizing. My new goal is to do this with each room of the house. A thorough cleaning and downsizing. There are a few thrift shops in the area that will be getting donations from me. Except for my husbands belongings. I will not be able to touch his things for a long time yet.

Francine, I know the night isn't over for you yet, sending a prayer out for you to find peace tonight.

 

Kathy

 

 

I have been obsessed with cleaning out, organizing, etc. Started with my desk and office area. Then closets. Then emptied my fridge, took it apart and scrubbed the whole thing. Then I couldn't figure out how to put the pieces back together!  Can't wait to start on my garage when the weather gets warmer. I've been throwing away, giving away, donating, and selling some stuff on a local facebook yard sale page. It does feel good to purge and it keeps me busy. A therapist says that's common- life feels out of control and this is one thing I have control over. Makes sense. Also I feel that it's just stuff, and stuff just isn't important anymore. 

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1 hour ago, KMB said:

Francine, No thanks necessary. We are all in our private hell of grief, but have enough in our shattered pieces of our heart to give back. You have been an inspiration for me many times.

I don't know what came over me today. My intuition pushing me perhaps to get off my butt and start doing something productive. I've been getting out and doing spring yard work. Today, cold and windy. So, I had this impulse to start going through the kitchen cupboards. I started with the pantry. My husband loved a huge variety of food, some of which I didn't care for. So, I pulled everything out. What is not expired and not needed by me, I'm donating to the local food bank. Next, will be washing out the inside of the cupboards, reorganizing. My new goal is to do this with each room of the house. A thorough cleaning and downsizing. There are a few thrift shops in the area that will be getting donations from me. Except for my husbands belongings. I will not be able to touch his things for a long time yet.

Francine, I know the night isn't over for you yet, sending a prayer out for you to find peace tonight.

Kathy

You once posted if we were soul sisters - well we just might be :D.  This is so uncanny.   I started de-cluttering my house as well.  I actually pulled things out of my pantry and if the expiration date had expired, it did too, expired in the trash.  I also donated some of Charles' clothes (brand new clothes he never word) to local thrift shops and good will centers.  We have a room right off the living area that was beginning to become a catch-all room.  My son and I got in there and really made a lot of head-way in transforming it into his technology/computer/office area.  Charles and I had intentions of clearing out that room, but that never happened.  There's more to do, but I can see the light at the end of the room. :)  What I do know, Charles would be pleased at getting the house in order and so am I.   I love working outdoors in my yard but like you, the weather here is damp, old and wet.  Saturday would be a good day (the weather is suppose to be in the mid 70's) unfortunately, my sister-in-law passed and her services will be Saturday.   She too died from a massive heart attack at the age of 57. What is it with these massive heart attacks?   Thanks for your prayers Kathy - You are one awesome lady.  Be Bless and Stay Strong.

Francine

 

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1 hour ago, Andy said:

My wife didn't always think I was funny, she actually developed this special power of just "tuning" me out. At least I thought I was funny...

love and hugs,

Andy

Now you see, that's funny.:D  Wives do that sometimes but then again, we tune you back in.  Hugs!!

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Francine, Thinking of you. Hope your night held some peace for you.

Sorry to hear of your sister-in-law. Going to a funeral will be hard for you. God and Charles will be there in spirit. She was 57, my age. I've been thinking of my own mortality more and more over these sad months. We are not guaranteed tomorrow. This is the reason I have the need to purge the house and get my own affairs in order. You just never know.

Prayers and hugs

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Francine, I'm sorry about your sister in law, I know this is unpleasant under ordinary circumstances, but will more so for you. I think you'll do well, well as can be expected, you have strength and character, and you'll have a special "presence" there, cheering you on. 

KMB, you speak of what I think a lot about now. No tomorrow. There isn't one, but I haven't woke up dead yet, so I still need to do things. I drive an hour to work everyday, it's dark, many deer moving through the area, and endless tractor trailer trucks and heavy traffic. The drive home is worse as far as traffic goes, and I could end up in a horrible wreck quite easily. I'm alone in my house now, so I could fall or slip or suffer a catastrophic health related episode and no one would know, anything could happen. I know that now, age, youth, health, being vigilant, these things are all good, but they don't guarantee nothing will happen. I hate thinking about these things, but I have little choice. It's all so sad and heavy.

Love and hugs to you both,

Andy  

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Kathy/Andy

Thanks to both of you guys.  My brother was such a comfort to me when my Charles died and now I must be a comfort to him and his girls.  I hope it won't be difficult; I'll just mimic what he did for me.  Kathy, have our minds been intertwine?  I've been thinking about the same thing  - My mortality - especially since the death of my sister-in-law.  I'm 7 years her senior and as you said, tomorrow is not promised.  Before Charles left his world, I didn't entertain such thoughts but now.....well, its there in the back of my mind.  I know that the only way I am going to be with him is through my death (boy that's a mouthful to say)   In our current minds, I don't think we're are able to visualize our life after death, just like we were not able to visualize our lives before birth. Our earthly minds cant comprehend anything beyond this time.   I think that's where our faith comes in play; believing him HIM and HIS words.  Faith is a place of  mystery where we find the courage to believe in what we cannot see and hope will actually haven.  It gives us assurance about things we cannot see and the strength to let go of our fear of uncertainty.

Andy - you're so right - it is all so sad and heavy, but it's life and life can sometimes be a _ _ t _ h  (I'll let you guys fill in the blanks :P)

Forgive me - I can go on and on and on ....... I appreciate both of your post - I really do - God Bless and keep you both safe.

 
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Andy, It is, as you say, sad and heavy. The week before my husband passed, we lost a friend to a heart attack. He had been out berry picking. He didn't show up at home. A search party went out for a few hours and had to resume the search in the morning. We had been discussing his loss. We had both said, you just never know. And then, my husband----

I'm alone here also. If something happened to me, it would be awhile before someone would check in. My husband had his things as prepared as possible. Having most things joint made it bearable to deal with along with a will. I have a will also, but there are still so many things that you don't think of that makes dealing with them so painful. I've been thinking of going to the funeral home and pre-paying for my arrangements. It bothers me to know what my own kids will be dealing with when my turn comes. All I can do is try to make some of the decisions as easy as I can.

You have to deal with a long commute and traffic. Anything can happen. Most fatal accidents happen at home. I remember a couple, years ago, returning home from their first retirement vacation. A mile from home, they went off the road on a bridge. Wonderful people who worked hard all their life, and that is how their retirement ended.

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KMB

I feel you. When my Charles passed,  I made arrangements for myself so as not to burden our children when my time comes.   I will be laid next to him under a tree - he always like for us to go the park, find a nice place under a shaddy tree and camp out there.   When my times comes, we'll be camping forever. 

12 minutes ago, KMB said:

Anything can happen. Most fatal accidents happen at home. I remember a couple, years ago, returning home from their first retirement vacation. A mile from home, they went off the road on a bridge. Wonderful people who worked hard all their life, and that is how their retirement ended.

You're right; terrible things can happen any time/any place.  At least they were together; I wanted that for my Charles and myself; but it wasn't what God wanted.  I guess I'm where God wants me to be at this very moment.  Everything I experience, love, anger, pain & suffering are all part of HIS divine plan. 

Stay Strong - I'm sending prayers your way. 

 

 
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Wow, you all seem so energetic!  I'm in a storm, electricity going off and on, it's scary.

Several hours later, I'm surprised this came back up.  60 mph winds, my daughter's roof came off!  Elec. back on, thankfully!

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Oh, my gosh, KayC! Is your daughter and her family alright? I'd be freaked out if the roof came off this house.

Praying for you to make it through the storm. How did the follow up go?

 

Kathy

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Followup...I might have to have an additional surgery on the scar tissue later on, they want to see me in six months.

My daughter is on the top story of an apt. so if water comes in, it'll do damage to their belongings.  They were going to notify the office, they'll need to tarp it until roofers can get out there.

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KayC,  I'm sorry about your daughter. I would assume they were able to find somewhere else to stay temporarily? The apt. building owner would have to have the roof tarped, etc. Being a home owner has its disadvantages if something happens. It is all on us and the hassle of the insurance company. Does your daughter have renters insurance to cover any damaged belongings?

Sorry to hear you might be looking at more surgery.Some things are like an never ending cycle, aren't they?

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They don't have anywhere to stay temporarily unless it'd be her friend Kate's.  She doesn't have renter's insurance, so I hope the apt. manager gets right on this, if they tarp the building it should protect it.

I was so happy to see my daughter and son-in-law today, it's the first time since Christmas, the first time since she lost her baby.  It felt so good to hold her!

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On 4/6/2017 at 3:08 PM, Francine said:

I truly believe that we don't meet people by accident; they are meant to cross our paths for a reason.

I like to think so too. :)

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2 hours ago, KayC said:

I like to think so too. :)

I agree!  I'm realizing this more and more every day.   People come into our lives for many reasons. Some good, some bad, but always a lesson to be learned. 

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KayC, thank goodness your daughter and her family are okay, that had to have been a scary experience. And I hope the problem with your eye works out with as little complication as possible. 

It's very heartwarming the love you have for your daughter, being able to just hug the ones we love, I'm sure she was equally as happy to be in moms arms. Nothing like mom to make things better. Bless you KayC. 

Francine, you're right, I think more than quite a few people that come into our lives are by design. I've just about stopped believing in coincidences, there just seems to be more going on than random happenstance. 

Thinking about my mortality is not something I enjoy, nor is it a conscious choice, it just shows up. Being alone helps create the "mood" I guess. Being alone is so difficult, it just magnifies my loss. Sigh...

KMB, the commute is a chore. Some days, during heavy rain or dense fog, are just tricky. I have, more than once, questioned my decision to work so far from home. 

Bless all of you,

Andy 

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I love my daughter and son with all of my heart.  I can't imagine what it'd be like to lose either of them.  My heart goes out to those that have to experience that.  Even though I don't get to see or talk to them often, it keeps me going just knowing they're there.

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