Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Losing My Brother and Losing Myself


Amanda Casey

Recommended Posts

  • Members
Amanda Casey

Here's the thing, losing someone that means the world to you leaves you in a sense of being perpetually stuck in melancholy and the emptiness that will forever remain knowing the will never return home. I lost my brother less than a year ago on May 11, 2016 from rare sudden unexplained death of epilepsy. My family, me, his girlfriend he had planned his future with, his friends, and everyone else his heart touched was unprepared for those last moments my brother Jackson was here. My family is forever damaged by his death. My parents mourn the loss of their first child and are left with only one child, me. I have rethought every moment of his life that lead to his death over and over again and yet I am still filled with guilt for many reasons. My parents unintentionally make me feel as if I am unworthy because there only focus is my brother, and trust me I understand the reason their focus is him. Although it leads my mental health to go into spiral of loneliness. More than my parents, my friends have slowly distanced themselves from me stating that I was unable to be fixed by them which drove them crazy. Now I feel as if everyone in my life is destined to leave and that something deep within me causes people that I love to go. I have guilt regarding the relationship of my brother and I. On May 9th Jackson had his third seizure which lead to him being unconscious in the hospital for two days until 3:35 a.m. his heart stopped causing the monitor to go into an endless line and hearing the horrid noise exemplifying his death. He was a healthy person and the surprise of his death shocked us all because when he had experienced only two seizures the doctors found nothing wrong in his brain. I remember crying the hardest I have ever and almost screaming because the feeling of his absence did not feel right and never will. I remember reaching for his hand to hold one last time but by this time I could see his body had failed him and was bruised and his hand was so cold. Everything about those moments even though represented he had died, I never want to fully believe it. How could the person I could truly count on, the one person that would never abandon me, forever leave me alone. I think about the future he was supposed to have and in fact the sunday before his third seizure I remember sitting on the couch with my brother. That morning we watched our favorite show, The Office, and our laughter filled the room as we filled out the envelopes for his graduation party regarding the end of his high school career. Jackson never made it to the end of his senior year. He never went off to college with his girlfriend for almost three years. He did not spend that summer with me and our parents in Singapore, when we had planned to move there from Idaho. Everything changed, my brother Jackson Eliot Casey was robbed of this future. On the date of that Sunday before he became unconscious I remember us talking about the future, I remember thinking about how amazing it would be to have our children play together one day. I thought about how I could not wait until we were older and more mature and our friendship would grow. I and he will never experience this future we both had imagined. Throughout this journey of losing Jackson, I have tried to commit suicide and almost everyday I contemplate it. There are reasons I know I should not, and then there are times when it feels as if it were the only answer. I am so lonely and the idea of seeing my brother once more is something I want more than anything. I just truly want the pain to dissolve but I can not escape the life that is mine. When someone you love and care deeply about dies, you lose them forever but you're stuck feeling lost yourself.

jackson and me.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I know how you feel, my brother died suddenly a week ago and all I can think about is joining him. But then I think about my pain from losing him and how I wouldn't want to cause someone else to feel it for me. I have 4 kids and 5 grandkids. I don't think we will ever get over this pain but our brothers wouldn't want us to take the cowards way out. So we both have to be brave and deal with it the best way we can in the time that it takes and not when everyone else says we should be over it. The ones saying that have probably never lost a sibling. So instead of dying for our brothers let's live for them and make sure their memories live on forever.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.