Members mills89 Posted April 4, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 4, 2017 I lost my dad last month after he lost his battle with cancer at the age of 54. He had been ill for just over a year and had deteriorated very quickly over the last six months. We were very very close, so to watch someone big and strong detoriaote so fast, especially someone you love so much, has been absolutely heartbreaking. As it has only been a month, my head is all over the place. Every time he comes in to my head I quickly try to block it out, as it just makes me so sad. It is difficult also, as people try to be supportive, but nothing in the world will make me feel better sometimes. I understand people are being nice, but the pain of losing a parent at a young age is not something anyone can relate, unless it is something they have been through. if anyone has any advice on how to 'cope', please let me know, as I am struggling at the moment Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members The Girl Posted April 4, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 4, 2017 I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Losing a parent is hard. And no, people who haven't gone through it won't really get it. They mean well and they care about you, but it isn't as helpful as they probably hope it will be. I think they also understand there's nothing they can say or do that will help though. I lost my mom 2 months ago and have ignored most people since. B/c as well meaning as they may be, it's incredibly hard for them not to come off as trite, and all they do is remind me what I've lost and that it isn't getting better. How to cope...I don't think that happens for quite some time. Unfortunately the grieving process for losing someone so close to you, so significant in your life, will take a long time. The best advice I can give is not to fight it. I know it feels like your heart drops to the floor and your entire world shatters every time you remember, but w/o going through that, all those heavy, raw emotions just follow you until you let them out. It's okay to cry, it's okay to really feel it. It's just the love you have for your dad. Something that may help is finding a way to honor him by doing an activity he used to do, or putting together a photo album of him, or a playlist he would have liked. It's still a sad experience, but channeling your grief into something productive for the one you've lost can be therapeutic. It's also okay to find a distraction. TV, or the internet, anything that takes your mind of it for awhile. Grieving is unavoidable, and it is helpful in getting through it, but we all need breaks from it, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mills89 Posted April 4, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted April 4, 2017 20 minutes ago, The Girl said: I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Losing a parent is hard. And no, people who haven't gone through it won't really get it. They mean well and they care about you, but it isn't as helpful as they probably hope it will be. I think they also understand there's nothing they can say or do that will help though. I lost my mom 2 months ago and have ignored most people since. B/c as well meaning as they may be, it's incredibly hard for them not to come off as trite, and all they do is remind me what I've lost and that it isn't getting better. How to cope...I don't think that happens for quite some time. Unfortunately the grieving process for losing someone so close to you, so significant in your life, will take a long time. The best advice I can give is not to fight it. I know it feels like your heart drops to the floor and your entire world shatters every time you remember, but w/o going through that, all those heavy, raw emotions just follow you until you let them out. It's okay to cry, it's okay to really feel it. It's just the love you have for your dad. Something that may help is finding a way to honor him by doing an activity he used to do, or putting together a photo album of him, or a playlist he would have liked. It's still a sad experience, but channeling your grief into something productive for the one you've lost can be therapeutic. It's also okay to find a distraction. TV, or the internet, anything that takes your mind of it for awhile. Grieving is unavoidable, and it is helpful in getting through it, but we all need breaks from it, too. Thank you for replying to me, Im sorry for your loss too I know the only way to get through this, is to go through it. I listen to his favourite songs sometimes and it does help to lift me a little. It is just a constant, back and forth of being ok and being not ok. When i think of him being well, its almost a torturous feeling of sadness and disbelief that hes gone, but when i think back to the day we lost him, he was so frail and was suffering so much, that it was unfair to want him to stay just because we wanted him here and i get a sense of relief. It is an ongoing battle in my mind, of sadness, anger and sometimes relief (due to the pain he was in - im not sure if thats normal or not). Apologies for the rant, but I have never spoken to anyone else who has lost also lost a parent at a young age, so I think i find it easier to speak on here rather than speak to my friends Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members The Girl Posted April 4, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 4, 2017 I think you put it perfectly in saying it's an ongoing battle in your mind. B/c there is a lot of back and forth, and the emotions can be turbulent and overwhelming. It's perfectly normal to feel relief that their suffering is over. My mom struggled with about a 3 year illness before she passed. She was a petite woman anyway, but she dropped down to 75 lbs and lost so much muscle that she had to learn to walk again. Watching someone you love lose their vitality and quality of life like that is painful, and not something you'd ever want for a parent. But you also expect to have X amount of years left with them and I'm not sure anyone ever really gives up hope, despite the circumstances. I'm 34, so at sort of an in between age - my mom should have lived another 20-30 years, but I wouldn't say I lost her at a "young age". I do think the younger you are, the harder it has to be. There's too much time left w/o them, and with age you tend to grow more accustomed to loss. But I also think at any age nothing will make you feel more like a child than losing a parent. If you have aunts/uncles, or a friend's parents who have gone through this, you may find they can relate more than you may think...if you were interested in talking to someone about it. The anonymity of an online forum like this helps, too. There's no rambling here, only healing. Talk as much as you'd like. There are quite a bit of younger people as well, if you go through the threads. There can be comfort in relating to others, seeing other people your own age, or hearing similarities between losses. It seems to make it feel less surreal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mills89 Posted April 5, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted April 5, 2017 @The Girl You are right, losing a parent at any age is awful. My dad lost his mum when he was 21 and his dad before he turned 30. In a way, knowing he went through this and did manage to get through it, gives me a bit of strength and i feel like, if he did it, I can do it. But being only 25, it makes me sad he wont be here to see things in my life. In a bit of good news, we managed to raise of £3000 from donations at my dads funeral towards his choice of charity. This makes me feel proud. In such a bad dark time, I feel a bit better that the money raised will go towards helping other people suffering from cancer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mills89 Posted April 5, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted April 5, 2017 @thegirl Again sorry for the rant! Having a bit of a weird day with really mixed emotions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members TJB Posted April 6, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 6, 2017 It is truly hard I lost my dad 2 months ago and not a day goes by where I don't want to call him up for me when I get down I call up my uncle.. whether my dad liked to admit it or not they were a lot alike and it helps to hear a part of my dad in him My dad also passed his truck onto me I hang his rosary on the rear view mirror because it makes me feel like he's riding shotgun with me wherever I go don't know if that would help But I find comfort in things that remind me what an amazing person and father he was... yes it makes me sad because it reminds me he is gone but it also reminds me of all the great times we had. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members mills89 Posted April 6, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted April 6, 2017 @TJB Sorry for your loss It really is difficult..time seems to be going slow and fast at the same time for me right now. Days seem slow without him, but the amount of time i havent been able to see/speak to him, is growing very fast. Ive started trying to do things he liked doing and i am kind of finding it helpful. Unfortunately, we have to go through this horrible sad time to actually get through it. Live your life how your dad would have wanted you to and be the best version of you, it would make him proud (this is what im going to try and do) xxx Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.