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expressions that you find annoying or worse


AceBasin

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Are there some expressions said by well-meaning friends that you find annoying or worse?

 

Many funeral homes and some clergy post lists of such expressions to avoid. There are generally 15-20 expressions on the lists.

 

Typical of those expression is “your spouse is in a better place now.” Many recipients will internally question how the speaker knows, and isn’t my spouse’s best place beside me, right now?

 

I have found several to be very annoying. One is “everything happens for a reason.” Of course, it is not too hard to identify a cause of death. For example, the reason for a death may be metastatic carcinoma. But, what was the PURPOSE? Yes, plate movements on the ocean floor were the reason for the deaths of over 200,000 people, but I challenge them to explain the purpose behind the deaths and why the tsunami could not have happened in an unpopulated area.

Another I find irritating is “what does not kill you makes you stronger.” Really? The speaker must not have spent much time visiting hospitals and rehab centers.

One of the worst, and perhaps even worse than statements by Job’s friends (and I have not heard this one personally, but it was a popular suggestion on several websites run by established organizations, and was forwarded to me by several clergy with disgust) was to tell the parents of a child who had died an excruciating death to “be happy, not sad, as one of the most advanced souls chose to be reincarnated as your child to have this experience.” 

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I think that along with what people may say, it's the tone or sincerity with which they say a particular thing. That alone will betray someone's depth of understanding quicker than anything. A statement, such as "Just take it one day at a time", can come across as a touching, wise piece of advice, backed by personal experience and empathy. On the flip side, that very same phrase can easily come across as little more than a slogan, a cliche slapped across a motivational poster. 

I will say that when people tell you that "you have to be strong", I cringe at that. Because of this journey, my understanding has evolved to recognize this as not very helpful. I've just lost my wife, the last thing I'm able to do is "be strong". You're putting an unbelievable amount of expectation on me, how can I possibly adopt the stiff upper lip and "carry on"? I have changed my approach to advising that it's perfectly ok to be weak. Strength is often revealed during our weakest moments, crying and facing our sorrow IS strength. You don't have to be strong, I'll be strong for you until you're able, for as long as it takes. My hope is for you to be strong enough to cope, to begin to move forward again. Telling someone to "be strong" in this moment of tragedy is like telling someone who's never swam before to cross the English Channel with a sack of rocks tied to their back. 

Andy

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Right now I am dealing with a fresh loss.  And people have told me that I need to get out more.  And I do know that I can not become a recluse, I do not appreciate people telling me that it is best for me to get out more.  And do what?  Go where? With who?  I do go out when I need to, actually have gone out with my friend a couple of times, but right now I like staying home.

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I have to say most people around me have generally been supportive with their comments but I have heard a few that bugged me. The one that really hurt me and showed that the person really had no clue was something like , "well at least you weren't married for 50 years."  Because we weren't together for a long time, my pain is less?  Really??!!  And because we weren't married (yet), and he was "only" my boyfriend, my pain is less??!   Talk about invalidating my feelings!  

Our hearts and souls have no calendar. It was the greatest love of my life and in the short time we had together I experienced more happiness, joy and contentment than I had experienced my whole life, combined.

It's so strange because I have a few friends that are having marital problems and some are considering divorce and I wonder what it would feel like for them if their husbands died. 

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fzald posted such a list (of stupid things people say) a while back.  We used that list in the grief support group I'm leading, and they really liked the list and that session.  It helps to know we are not alone with our feelings about such inappropriate responses.  I wish I knew the name of the thread, but fzald if you are reading, could you post the link to it?  I gave away my only copy at our last grief support group.

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Ace-Basin -- I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and feel they really want to say something that is comforting; however in some cases, their words are just the opposite.  I try not to let words hurt me, unless the person who says those words mean a lot to me.  Don't get me wrong, if their words are too distressing or makes me uncomfortable, they will certainly know my feelings as well; and believe me, my feelings (words) will not be kind.

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I learned to do that, but in the beginning it was really really hard when someone said something inappropriate.

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5 hours ago, Andy said:

I think that along with what people may say, it's the tone or sincerity with which they say a particular thing. That alone will betray someone's depth of understanding quicker than anything. A statement, such as "Just take it one day at a time", can come across as a touching, wise piece of advice, backed by personal experience and empathy. On the flip side, that very same phrase can easily come across as little more than a slogan, a cliche slapped across a motivational poster. 

I will say that when people tell you that "you have to be strong", I cringe at that. Because of this journey, my understanding has evolved to recognize this as not very helpful. I've just lost my wife, the last thing I'm able to do is "be strong". You're putting an unbelievable amount of expectation on me, how can I possibly adopt the stiff upper lip and "carry on"? I have changed my approach to advising that it's perfectly ok to be weak. Strength is often revealed during our weakest moments, crying and facing our sorrow IS strength. You don't have to be strong, I'll be strong for you until you're able, for as long as it takes. My hope is for you to be strong enough to cope, to begin to move forward again. Telling someone to "be strong" in this moment of tragedy is like telling someone who's never swam before to cross the English Channel with a sack of rocks tied to their back. 

Andy

You need to be strong for your son, your a strong person, you will get through this, that is easy to say when you aren't going through this, anything to do with gods plan and my favorite I'm sorry for your loss.

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Bobbers, I found that when people say, *I'm sorry for your loss*, they sincerely mean it. What else can a person say? It is their way of acknowledgement and validating your loss. Even a hug without words is preferable to the other platitudes.

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My cousin tells me I'm the strongest person she knows. My insides don't match my outside. Found this and it pretty much sums things up when I go out into the real world these days  

 

image.jpg

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On 4/3/2017 at 10:56 PM, HHFaith said:

My cousin tells me I'm the strongest person she knows. My insides don't match my outside. Found this and it pretty much sums things up when I go out into the real world these days  

 

image.jpg

Spot on. I get the "you're doing great", "you're so strong" and "you're doing so good by being strong for your daughter". The truth is, I want to say back "If you  knew how tenuous a hold I have on my sanity, my focus, you'd be appalled at how close to the edge I am!" It's all coming from a well intentioned place, but I feel moments away from falling apart at any given point. Part of it is while I'm being strong for my family, my job, who's being strong for me? I'm not going to lean on my daughter for this, she needs ME to lean on. My parents are gold and have already done so much. I try to put things in Gods hands, but it's still such a struggle. 

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On 4/3/2017 at 10:58 AM, KayC said:

fzald posted such a list (of stupid things people say) a while back.  We used that list in the grief support group I'm leading, and they really liked the list and that session.  It helps to know we are not alone with our feelings about such inappropriate responses.  I wish I knew the name of the thread, but fzald if you are reading, could you post the link to it?  I gave away my only copy at our last grief support group.

On YouTube, I found a widow who's put together a series of clips talking about various aspects of her loss, and one of them is about inappropriate things people say. You may be aware of her, if so, I'm sorry for the redundancy. Her name is Karen Millsap, she also does corporate training for HR groups to better serve recently widowed employees. Maybe her story can help you or anyone seeking more information. 

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On 4/3/2017 at 9:41 AM, HHFaith said:

I have to say most people around me have generally been supportive with their comments but I have heard a few that bugged me. The one that really hurt me and showed that the person really had no clue was something like , "well at least you weren't married for 50 years."  Because we weren't together for a long time, my pain is less?  Really??!!  And because we weren't married (yet), and he was "only" my boyfriend, my pain is less??!   Talk about invalidating my feelings!  

Our hearts and souls have no calendar. It was the greatest love of my life and in the short time we had together I experienced more happiness, joy and contentment than I had experienced my whole life, combined.

It's so strange because I have a few friends that are having marital problems and some are considering divorce and I wonder what it would feel like for them if their husbands died. 

That's the absolute worst, when some lout, whether intentional or not, tries to invalidate our feelings, it gets me angry real quick. 1 year or 100, married or not, partners or engaged, people, it doesn't matter. Those dealing with loss have only the perspective of their loss, if I'd been married 150 years, it doesn't matter, it has NOTHING to do with anyone else's relationship. If I'd fallen in love with a girl, never married, but dated for 3 years, again, it doesn't matter. No one gets to tell us that there are "levels" of grief based on time, duration, "official" recognition, or if we lived together, had children, liked the same ice cream, loss is loss, it's all painful and life altering and for those who never dealt with it, be quite. 

Sorry, this gets me bent out of shape. 

I'm good. 

Andy

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10 hours ago, Andy said:

That's the absolute worst, when some lout, whether intentional or not, tries to invalidate our feelings, it gets me angry real quick. 1 year or 100, married or not, partners or engaged, people, it doesn't matter. Those dealing with loss have only the perspective of their loss, if I'd been married 150 years, it doesn't matter, it has NOTHING to do with anyone else's relationship. If I'd fallen in love with a girl, never married, but dated for 3 years, again, it doesn't matter. No one gets to tell us that there are "levels" of grief based on time, duration, "official" recognition, or if we lived together, had children, liked the same ice cream, loss is loss, it's all painful and life altering and for those who never dealt with it, be quite. 

Sorry, this gets me bent out of shape. 

I'm good. 

Andy

Thanks Andy. I needed to hear that. You're so right, none of that matters, especially the ice cream (that made me laugh!).  

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HHFaith, I would place ice cream above which direction a roll of toilet paper is placed on the little spindle, in terms of importance. Chocolate and peanut butter. :-)

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On 4/3/2017 at 6:41 AM, HHFaith said:

I have to say most people around me have generally been supportive with their comments but I have heard a few that bugged me. The one that really hurt me and showed that the person really had no clue was something like , "well at least you weren't married for 50 years."  Because we weren't together for a long time, my pain is less?  Really??!!  And because we weren't married (yet), and he was "only" my boyfriend, my pain is less??!   Talk about invalidating my feelings!  

Our hearts and souls have no calendar. It was the greatest love of my life and in the short time we had together I experienced more happiness, joy and contentment than I had experienced my whole life, combined.

It's so strange because I have a few friends that are having marital problems and some are considering divorce and I wonder what it would feel like for them if their husbands died. 

People truly are clueless about grief.  It doesn't matter if you have that piece of paper or not, you still miss him!  It doesn't matter if you're married one year or 50, you love them and miss them.  The person who was married 50 may have developed more memories and interdependence, but the person married one year feels ripped!  Oh that I had had 50 with my George!  But no matter how much time one had, it is never enough. 

I actually know someone who was married and she planned on leaving her husband the next day (he didn't know it yet).  The next morning he got up, went to the bathroom and died of a heart attack while on the toilet.  She carried on and on, "Oh my husband died!", started GoFund Me account, etc. collected money for her daughter for years to come (who wasn't his) and has never quit playing the widow card.  One day later they would have been broken up, separated, and she couldn't have capitalized on it.  I don't know what people like that tell themselves.  I realize that relationships/breakups are not so cut and dried, that just because someone breaks up (or wants to) doesn't mean all feelings are instantly gone or that you're 100% over them, but it really felt wrong to hear her going on and on about him when I knew she'd planned to leave him.

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KayC---That woman capitalizing on the death of her husband should be royally ashamed of herself. She played herself as a victim in reversal. None of us want to be widows. In fact, I hate that term.  That woman was disrespecting, disregarding a human being.

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Wow. Aweful story. It brings up painful memories of Pats passing, specifically his wake and funeral. He was not close to his siblings so they really didn't know me. They ran the show. And his ex girlfriend was front and center playing the part of the "grieving widow", though they ended things years ago. The funeral home was covered with pictures if the 2 of them!! And it just went downhill from there at the funeral. The whole scene just added more trauma and pain for me. It's been 3 months and when I look back at the wake and funeral I can't believe I survived. It would be nice to have his family to grieve with but his siblings really knew nothing about his new, happy life. So sad. 

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Oh HHFaith, I'm so sorry, that's horrible!  I'm sorry his family didn't know much about your relationship, they missed out on a lot.

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Thanks KayC. It's so unfortunate but there was so much dysfunction and he learned that it was healthier for him to keep them at arms length. I even told his brother how happy Pat was - loved his new house, our relationship was great, and he was planning to retire soon. He was finally truly happy. His brothers response to me was "well he didn't have a lot of that in his life". How sad that his siblings only knew of the crazy times and not his happy life. I am so grateful that I got to share his happy times, and we were so very happy together. But how I wish we had more time together and how I wish i could have said goodbye and tell him one final time how much I loved him and how much he meant to me.  Yes, I do tell him all the time now, but as you know, it's just not the sane thing!

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HHFaith, You were a blessing to Pat. You were blessed that he chose you to love him during his last years. Through you, Pat was able to know and enjoy true happiness and love, acceptance, during his time with you. In Heaven, he loves you now all the more for all that you showed and gave him while he was in this life. That is something for you to be proud of while you go on this new journey. You did something spectacular for another person. You gave unconditional love.

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11 hours ago, HHFaith said:

Thanks KayC. It's so unfortunate but there was so much dysfunction and he learned that it was healthier for him to keep them at arms length. I even told his brother how happy Pat was - loved his new house, our relationship was great, and he was planning to retire soon. He was finally truly happy. His brothers response to me was "well he didn't have a lot of that in his life". How sad that his siblings only knew of the crazy times and not his happy life. I am so grateful that I got to share his happy times, and we were so very happy together. But how I wish we had more time together and how I wish i could have said goodbye and tell him one final time how much I loved him and how much he meant to me.  Yes, I do tell him all the time now, but as you know, it's just not the sane thing!

HHFaith, that's such a sad thing, to have to accept that the best way to deal with ones family is to keep a safe distance. I understand. My wife had a very similar relationship with her family. I liked to tell her she was the "white sheep" of the family. She loved her family, but her tolerance for some of their behavior was minimal. Her childood was marked by poor decision making and constant upheaval, and I'm being VERY restrained with that description. Now that my wife is gone, they are inundated with guilt, trying desperately to somehow make up for past choices. I say choices, not mistakes, they chose not to be a significant part of her life, they chose not to be involved with our daughter, they chose to marginalize my wife and her health issues. I've been called or have received text messages more since my wife passed than I had received in the last 5 years. It seems as if they're seeking absolution from me, but that's beyond my power, I can't help them. HHFaith, it's so strange or perhaps ironic, that so called family oftentimes can be some of the least reliable in times of true hardship. It's why, through previous experiences and this episode with my wife, I've adopted a new philosophy on family. "Blood makes you related, love makes you family". Think about the core of every family, it's between two people, not related, but choosing to be with one another, that's a powerful love, one that's freely given and accepted. My best friend, who was there the day I first met my wife, was there when our daughter was born, and was a pallbearer for my wife, is family. He knew my wife, loved her like his own, his wife is much the same. This is where our families are, in that circle of people who freely give of themselves to help us, not for anything in return, but because they actually care, and seeing us hurt hurts them. 

Anyway, I'm sorry that circumstances prevented them from being aware or more involved in the life he obviously loved so much. Perhaps one day there may be a thawing in relations, but if not, you have the memories, the love that was given you, the knowledge that he was a truly happy man, and you had a great deal to do with that. And you've got us, here in the "misery club". 

Love and comfort,

Andy

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12 hours ago, HHFaith said:

I even told his brother how happy Pat was - loved his new house, our relationship was great, and he was planning to retire soon. He was finally truly happy. His brothers response to me was "well he didn't have a lot of that in his life".

My George had had a really hard life too.  We didn't meet until our mid 40s, and it was as if we were destined to meet and all of our lives were in preparation for each other.  It was the culmination of all we'd needed.  I can't say as I'd looked for it because I didn't know it existed except in fairy tales.  Travis Tritt's Drift Off to Dream

 was special to us because we identified with it...how someone is waiting for the right person to come along and knows them when they meet them, that's how it was for us.  We even bought the porch swing and were so happily going to enjoy our future together.

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KayC--- That is special. Thank you for sharing. Somehow, you just feel that *knowing*. that you were meant to be with the other. My husband was 44 and me, just shy of 32. We didn't care about our ages. It was a magnetic draw .When we are lucky to find our soulmate, we are blessed from God.

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KMB, Andy and KayC - You all just made me cry!  I appreciate your words so much.  It's almost like you knew us and knew what we meant to each other.  I know you all feel the same way about your loves.  It is comforting to know you're all out there feeling the same things, as horrible as that is.  I wish none of us had to endure this.  

He was and is a blessing and I would even say a miracle. Yes, our lives also prepared us for each other. There was a reason it took us so long to find each other. Though I wish we had met earlier in life so we could have had more time together, I do understand that we both had to go through all we did in life to be where we were when we met.  I am so grateful that he chose me to be with and love until the end.  I will cherish every moment we had together.  

I hope you're all having a "good" Saturday night.  So hard to be home alone and missing him so much.  

A big group hug to you all....Please pass the Kleenex!

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So true.  George was two years younger than me and he liked to have fun with that.  You have to be 50 to go the the seniors group at church and we went to one of their parties and someone asked what he was doing there and he said he couldn't come except on account of me. :D  

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20 minutes ago, KayC said:

So true.  George was two years younger than me and he liked to have fun with that.  You have to be 50 to go the the seniors group at church and we went to one of their parties and someone asked what he was doing there and he said he couldn't come except on account of me. :D  

That's funny!  Pat was 5 years older than me so I used to tease him saying that he could move into the 'over 55' communities but not me, I was too young!  But this grief is making me feel old really fast!!

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HHFaith, That is how I feel with the grieving. It does take a toll on us. I feel older, my body feels older. I feel like I have spent time on the front battle line and am too tired to care about what happens next. Surviving day by day has been quite the struggle.

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On 4/9/2017 at 11:05 AM, KMB said:

HHFaith, That is how I feel with the grieving. It does take a toll on us. I feel older, my body feels older. I feel like I have spent time on the front battle line and am too tired to care about what happens next. Surviving day by day has been quite the struggle.

KMB -- Ditto that.  Charles and I were the same age.  A year before his death, I wanted to shed some pounds so I joined WW and lost approximately 50 lbs. - he was my biggest supporter and would always tell me how good I looked to him - that made me feel so great; after nearly 45 years of marriage and the man of your life tells you how wonderful you looked - wow!   I felt like a million bucks.     Since Charles death, I don't feel good any longer; I don't feel great. I went from feeling like a million bucks to 1 buck.   While I get compliments from my weight loss, they're not the same as hearing them from my Charles.   I just don't care  :( 

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On 4/9/2017 at 0:05 PM, KMB said:

HHFaith, That is how I feel with the grieving. It does take a toll on us. I feel older, my body feels older. I feel like I have spent time on the front battle line and am too tired to care about what happens next. Surviving day by day has been quite the struggle.

So true. Each day is a struggle. Each of those days exacts a toll on us, physically and emotionally. I feel older in my soul, like I've seen things I shouldn't have, felt things I didn't think we're possible and living in a world I didn't think existed. 

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12 hours ago, KayC said:

It does that.  I felt young before he died.

I certainly felt more alive. This burden of terrible insight is slowly making me older than I am. Turning me into an impatient, "get off my lawn", old man. Such is our lot. 

My hope is that I mitigate this turning, I liked who I was, this "new" me is not so cheerful. Sigh, what a condition. 

Andy

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4 hours ago, Francine said:

KMB -- Ditto that.  Charles and I were the same age.  A year before his death, I wanted to shed some pounds so I joined WW and lost approximately 50 lbs. - he was my biggest supporter and would always tell me how good I looked to him - that made me feel so great; after nearly 45 years of marriage and the man of your life tells you how wonderful you looked - wow!   I felt like a million bucks.     Since Charles death, I don't feel good any longer; I don't feel great. I went from feeling like a million bucks to 1 buck.   While I get compliments from my weight loss, they're not the same as hearing them from my Charles.   I just don't care  :( 

Well Francine, you may not care, but you look great!   Of course I haven't seen you, but I have no doubt Charles was a man of impeccable taste. 

Peace and hugs,

Andy

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11 minutes ago, Andy said:

Well Francine, you may not care, but you look great!   Of course I haven't seen you, but I have no doubt Charles was a man of impeccable taste. 

Peace and hugs,

Andy

I'll second that Francine. What a great accomplishment!  You should be very proud. I lost almost 15 pounds since Pats death. Not the way I wanted to lose weight. I hope I can start getting a little exercise but I have no motivation. A friend did drag me out and we went for a pretty good walk along the beach today. Finally had some sunny warm weather so it felt good. I hope I can keep it going. 

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HHFaith, I know that feeling. I lost the same as you, and I certainly could benefit from doing a little more exercising, but the fatigue from all this depression is too much sometimes. Getting up and going to work takes a monumental effort as it is. 

 

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Wow, we've all lost weight and I certainly didn't want this situation of losing my soulmate to be the way to do it. Francine, you do *look* good. Your body thanks you for maintaining its health!  Unfortunately, I've put a few pounds back on. I've been indulging in too much chocolate for my *comfort* and fighting the loneliness. More walking and yard work is needed.

Peace and prayers to all!

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I lost a lot of weight before I met George, on Prism Weight Loss.  I maintained it for years.  Now I've gained some of it back, and I know I need to lose it for my health but you know what?  As far as my appearance goes, it doesn't matter to me anymore.  George loved me no matter what, he looked at me through rose colored glasses.  I don't think that man ever saw my flaws.  He loved everything about me "as is".  And that's how I love him too.

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KayC---Spot on! My Ed loved/loves me the way I was also. We had both put on a few extra pounds over the years. I always like to say that is what love and contentment does to you. I'm not planning on putting myself back onto the dating market. I met my soulmate and we had many wonderful years before he graduated to Heaven. I'll maintain my wife status in my heart until I am able to be reunited with him.

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Well, I think we're all *good* in just getting through this hell we are going through.  KMB - I like your phrase, "Graduated into Heaven", I just like to add - "with high honors".  :D

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I like that, graduated into Heaven with high honors!  Summa cum laude!

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I came across those words from a book I had been reading about Heaven and why we are here. I read that our lives here are a gift and we are to learn lessons for our souls growth for eternal life. To love one another and receive love. When our lessons are learned, and unfortunately, some of those lessons are in dealing with disease, illness, then God says it is our turn to graduate. I have a hard time with some of the ways of death, but the book says we choose how we would like to leave this life , just for the experience and having a big story to tell our family and friends who crossed over before us.

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Hello KMB. I am curious, what is the name of the book and the background of the author? That is an area of interest, because prior to my wife’s illness I had spent four years talking (fully accredited) graduate courses in theology (after work). The courses helped me considerably in discussions with her, but have not done much to assist in the grieving process.

As I posted on another thread, many clergy are trained to respond when asked about death and suffering of a loved one: “I do not know why. But I do know God will comfort you.”  I am not sure of a better response. But, I am still waiting for the future tense of “will” to change to the present tense.

One area of comfort to all of us, regardless of religious affiliation, is the belief in an afterlife. If we are just a temporary arrangement of molecules, it would be truly depressing.

One of the leading real academic researchers into the afterlife is Stafford Betty. This is a link to his qualifications and some publications   http://www.huffingtonpost.com/author/sbetty-559

Three of his interviews can be found at https://soundcloud.com/god-talk  

 

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3 hours ago, KMB said:

I came across those words from a book I had been reading about Heaven and why we are here. I read that our lives here are a gift and we are to learn lessons for our souls growth for eternal life. To love one another and receive love. When our lessons are learned, and unfortunately, some of those lessons are in dealing with disease, illness, then God says it is our turn to graduate. I have a hard time with some of the ways of death, but the book says we choose how we would like to leave this life , just for the experience and having a big story to tell our family and friends who crossed over before us.

I've come to believe/accept that the higher meaning of existence is just beyond our attempts at complete understanding. We are dealing with concepts such as our consciousness carrying on, our souls being eternal, different realities, God, and this is all so very complex. Far too much for my meager attempts to understand it all, but I do believe that we exist in a much more grand narrative than we can see. My daughter asks me "why"? Why did God allow her mom to die and other moms live? Why does she have to live without her mom? I don't have any answers. What I tell her is "I don't know, but what I do know is that one has nothing to do with the other. Moms passing isn't related at all to someone's else's mom living". I tell her death is a certainty for us all, why some sooner than later? I don't know, but for me, that's okay. The love I have for my wife, the life we shared, the beautiful way she made my life complete, those things are more important than the things I don't understand. Knowing won't bring her back, but I'll see her again. I'll get my answers then. And that brings me the comfort I need to wake up tomorrow. 

Andy

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One interesting conclusion from Dr. Betty's research is that the dying are often greeted by loved ones that have predeceased them (and they do not mention  living persons).  He gives a few examples where the friends and family heard the person mention the presence of a certain person, who they thought was alive, but found out later had predeceased.

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8 hours ago, AceBasin said:

One interesting conclusion from Dr. Betty's research is that the dying are often greeted by loved ones that have predeceased them (and they do not mention  living persons).  He gives a few examples where the friends and family heard the person mention the presence of a certain person, who they thought was alive, but found out later had predeceased.

Leslie Kean, in her book "Surviving Death, a Journalists Investigates Evidence of an Afterlife", has similar cases and other related material concerning this experience. She took a non religious approach and was actually a bit skeptical, not anymore.  

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On 4/3/2017 at 8:26 AM, cp9042 said:

Right now I am dealing with a fresh loss.  And people have told me that I need to get out more.  And I do know that I can not become a recluse, I do not appreciate people telling me that it is best for me to get out more.  And do what?  Go where? With who?  I do go out when I need to, actually have gone out with my friend a couple of times, but right now I like staying home.

I am so sorry for your loss. My spouse died about 8 mos ago.  I feel like I'm in hell much of the time. My husband was my soulmate. My life is hard  without him.

People who are happily married (or happily divorced) generally have no clue what widows go through. They just don't. They simply cannot imagine --- and lucky for them.

Losing a spouse is paralyzing. It's a huge deal to "get out".  

You mention getting out and "with who?" I've been out with girlfriends who are married or paired up.  My one friend would note the time and say, "I gotta go --- I told James I'd be home by 10:00."   Simple things like that hit like a ton of bricks. I've got nobody waiting for me at home.  Like I need that reminder?

If staying in is what is right for you, then that's what you need to do. It's about how YOU feel and what's good for you at the stage of grieving that you're in. You're the one dealing with a tragic, life change experience.

People mean well. They do.  But I've had to tell some bossy folks to please back off.  I know what I need to do and for now, and it's to survive day to day. I will not be guilted or coerced into doing anything I'm not up for. I'm the only one in my shoes. I'll make the call on when to get out.

Take care. 

 

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4 hours ago, SW406 said:

I am so sorry for your loss. My spouse died about 8 mos ago.  I feel like I'm in hell much of the time. My husband was my soulmate. My life is hard  without him.

People who are happily married (or happily divorced) generally have no clue what widows go through. They just don't. They simply cannot imagine --- and lucky for them.

Losing a spouse is paralyzing. It's a huge deal to "get out".  

You mention getting out and "with who?" I've been out with girlfriends who are married or paired up.  My one friend would note the time and say, "I gotta go --- I told James I'd be home by 10:00."   Simple things like that hit like a ton of bricks. I've got nobody waiting for me at home.  Like I need that reminder?

If staying in is what is right for you, then that's what you need to do. It's about how YOU feel and what's good for you at the stage of grieving that you're in. You're the one dealing with a tragic, life change experience.

People mean well. They do.  But I've had to tell some bossy folks to please back off.  I know what I need to do and for now, and it's to survive day to day. I will not be guilted or coerced into doing anything I'm not up for. I'm the only one in my shoes. I'll make the call on when to get out.

Take care. 

You have my condolences for your reason in joining us here.  I know that I never really gave much thought to being in this tragic situation for a very long time yet. My husband had a bigger than life personality. He overcame every challenge thrown at him with positivity, grit and flying colors. Unfortunately, he was unable to overcome sudden cardiac arrest.

I have been in this unwanted life for almost 15 months. I remember where I was at 8 months, where you are. I was just barely beginning to do a little functioning. I was a clear candidate for the looney bin. Sometimes, I think I still am. I have what I consider okay days, where I am not constantly crying or staring out the window all day. Then, there still are the bad days, where I just want to hide out in the bed, might muster up some strength to take care of a couple things, bomb out and go into hiding again. Those totally bad days are getting less and less. I guess we have some kind of built in will to survive, to begin to come out of isolation more frequently. My husband cannot help it that he cannot be here, but I know he would want for me to keep trying, for him, for our love, for myself. He gave me so much of himself and taught me many things. I would being doing him and myself and his legacy a great disservice if I did not not in any way honor his life.I consider myself blessed in being the one he chose to spend the rest of his life with.

Like you, I have a tendency to keep myself isolated, even though I know differently. It took a whole lot for me to begin to get out of my comfort zone for more than priority errands and groceries, necessary appointments. Each step I took out of that comfort zone, has made it a little easier to do so. I hate it that life placed me in this tragedy. but, at the same time, I cannot imagine my husband being the one here suffering my loss. I guess that God saw me as being the stronger one in being able to cope. I can't believe that God has that much faith in me, so I made the choice in not failing his faith and trust. My reward will be my reunion with my husband when I see my life path through.

You appear to have a good, logical head and on the right track. You are exactly where you need to be at this time and I respect and admire you, in your choice to do your grieving your way and to heck with anyone else's expectations. You are right, others are not in your shoes. it is said that when we cross over into the next realm, that the only emotion we carry with us is love. When we are in spirit, the love we have for those we had to leave behind is magnified a trillion times. Just remember that your husband has huge love for you and will be watching over you and guiding you, until your reunion. He is so proud of every step you take, along this grief road.

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16 hours ago, SW406 said:

I am so sorry for your loss. My spouse died about 8 mos ago.  I feel like I'm in hell much of the time. My husband was my soulmate. My life is hard  without him.

People who are happily married (or happily divorced) generally have no clue what widows go through. They just don't. They simply cannot imagine --- and lucky for them.

Losing a spouse is paralyzing. It's a huge deal to "get out".  

You mention getting out and "with who?" I've been out with girlfriends who are married or paired up.  My one friend would note the time and say, "I gotta go --- I told James I'd be home by 10:00."   Simple things like that hit like a ton of bricks. I've got nobody waiting for me at home.  Like I need that reminder?

If staying in is what is right for you, then that's what you need to do. It's about how YOU feel and what's good for you at the stage of grieving that you're in. You're the one dealing with a tragic, life change experience.

People mean well. They do.  But I've had to tell some bossy folks to please back off.  I know what I need to do and for now, and it's to survive day to day. I will not be guilted or coerced into doing anything I'm not up for. I'm the only one in my shoes. I'll make the call on when to get out.

Take care. 

 

I am sorry for your loss as well, that anyone else has to go through this, it's heartbreaking, it really is.

I've learned to listen to what I need.  Sometimes I need to push myself a little or I'd never progress in this journey, but sometimes I need to heed exactly what I'm feeling in the moment, it's in learning to recognize what it is I need that has helped me in how to deal with my everyday life.  Sometimes I need to stay in, sometimes I need to be around others.  Keep listening to your inner self, you'll know.  Right now almost anything and everything can be a trigger for you, that's hard. People say seemingly innocuous things that hit us like a ton of bricks.

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