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Lost the love of my life


soursunrise

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soursunrise

Last Wednesday 29th of March my partner of four years and the love of my life has fully unexpectedly for everyone pulled the trigger in the bathroom at his place. He was discovered by his father and was rushed to hospital. He wrote me 2 messages and a note on that day, generally all saying that he loved me eternally and wished me the best life. The second note was for the parents - i didn't see it, but i am sure that is where he really poured the blame out as the family was disfunctional. He was only 29, and has left me virtually a widow at 24 - we were planning our future together, we've spend an amazing weekend prior to what happened  - and even Monday and Tuesday were full of support... This left me broken, devastated and incredibly lonely. We don't even know when the funral will take place, as the police/hospital still have the body...

Right now, I am going through something I hoped would never come. As such, my usual day-to day life is just cancelled now. Everything - from the uni to even watching TV, I've stopped doing it all. I do not see the sense to live anymore, it hurts so much and I can't even distract myself for a second. Rn, I can't be cheered up even by those grieving with me too. All the well-meant encouragements just make me angry because people i don't consider close friends and who've never been through this simply can't even imagine what i feel.
The person I've lost so suddenly meant pretty much everything to me, my miserable life made sense for once, for once I wanted to go with the rules of the world and try to work and study for the future. Now it is all gone, and the pain and emptiness I feel are endless. 
I neglect everything, including myself. Maybe a better time will come after the funeral, maybe years later, maybe never?

 

I feel the love itself has dissappeared from my life with him...

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Soursunrise, i am so sorry for your loss, you are so young to av to suffer this pain, life is very much cruel, its very recent for you and it  must have been a been a terrible shock for you, peace and comfort to you x

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soursunrise---- I am so sorry for the tragic loss of your partner. There are no words adequate for loss, but my heart goes out to you.You are so young to have to be dealing with this. Not only the loss of him but also your future plans.

Of course you are devastated, who wouldn't be? He must have been suffering silently and to have been in intense pain in his mind for him to choose to leave that way.

Please, take care of yourself the best you can. You need to take care of your body's needs to help you through this agonizing time. We are here for you.

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soursunrise

Sometimes you just don't want to hear the 'I'm so sorry' or, 'It will get better' quotes, and better yet 'things happen for a reason' from all the people you don't know and even from the people you do.  No matter how well people intentions are, sometimes words are just not enough or just inadequate.    While, I've never lost someone to suicide and I would imagine one would never fully understand it unless they lost someone to it.  I can only imagine the pain and hurt you are feeling.  I'm sorry his strength was not enough to overcome the pain and tiredness he had to have been experiencing. It got to be a horrid feeling being trapped inside oneself with nothing but your own insecurities.

The mind is a powerful force; it can enslave us or empower us.  It can plunge you into the depths of misery or take you to the heights of euphoria.   To lose someone you love is life altering; the pain lessons, but never goes away; the hole in your chest (your heart) is the shape of the one you lost - no one can ever fix it  - but losing someone to suicide, inflict a slow death to those whom he least considered would be afflicted.   Of course you're broken, but not broke;  you're lonely, but not alone; devastated, but not destroyed. 

As low as you are feeling now, you are strong.  Strength does not come from winning.  Your struggles, pain and sufferings develop your strengths.  When you go through hardship, and decide not to surrender, that's Strength.

Know that we are praying for you.   I wish you strength for today and hope for tomorrow; Hope that it will get better and Strength to hold on until it does.

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soursunrise

Meesh, KMB, Francine

Thank you all for your heartfelt messages. My mood is swaying the worst when I wake up. To my surprise, I can sleep peacefully, but as soon as I wake up or something wakes me up, i have a gap of several minutes before I get back to the reality completely...and it crushes me from the inside all over again. 

I'm left all alone: my mother with whom i live now, is depressed herself, she's not of much help. My partner's best friend lives across the country, which makes it difficult for us to talk. The doc hasn't given me any useful pills after the 1st appointment, but we'll see what happens today, cause i'm getting heart troubles.

One more thing: i wrote a message to my love's phone again, i thought i needed to express my feelings right then: (you can just scroll through it)

"I miss you. Writing into nowhere helps, but just a bit. I know your messages are read, but I hope that these words, travelling from one loving mind to another, can actially reach you. 
I wrote you an actual long letter, and i will give it to you later, when you leave all of us forever. I just wanted to say those same things i said before, but differently.
Thank you, my love, for making me happy and loved, even though you felt such pain deep inside that none of my constant encouragements could linder. I knew you were a 'broken' person, just like me and Kyle, both of us however thought that our love & friendship and the success you were getting closer to, had really helped to make you stronger, happier, had helped you to see the future. I now suffer more, knowing that you played pretend in front of us too in the last months - and you never did before. Perhaps, if you didn"t we could help you again, but maybe you didn't want that. 
In the end, I paid attention that 99% of all the words I ever said to you were the words of deep love, understanding, encouragement and belief in you. And I never lied saying them. I still hope your decision made you happy, because even though you've inflicted excruciating pain on me, my love didn't vanish, and love is forgiving and always wishing well. 
Our last kiss and our last hug were too brief - but I will forever hold them in my heart, as long as it might bear to beat. 
Virtual kiss. 
Eternally yours indeed, V"

 

 

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Soursunrise -- Beautiful and so touching.   Know that his spirit is at peace.  God Bless you

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Soursunrise,

I am so so sorry.  I think losing someone to suicide is beyond hard, my heart really goes out to you.  You are not alone, there are others here that are going through it too.  I hope you continue to come here and read and post, it's been a lifeline to all of us.


http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/grief-support-for-survivors-of-suicide.html 

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/11/surviving-spouses-suicide.html

https://vimeo.com/112214790

 

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soursunrise

KayC,

thank you for the links. I really hope they will provide me a little bit of comfort amongst all this pain

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Soursunrise,

I am incredibly sorry for your loss. Nothing will ever prepare you for losing the love of your life, especially not in the kind of circumstance you have.

I lost my partner 12 weeks and 4 days ago, he was only 27 and had his whole life ahead of him. He made me so happy and we had so much planned. Unfortunately the heartbreak doesn't get any easier. 

Surround yourself with people who will love and support you - I couldn't have done it without my friends and family. Don't listen when people tell you "it will get better" - it won't, you just learn to deal with it. Cry as much as you want to and when you're done cry some more.

Keep going, your partner would be so proud of you for surviving x

 

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