Passive suicide?

[Nobody1]

I'm not sure if "passive" is the appropriate word for my behavior so feel free to suggest a better word if there is one. 

I am at the 9 month mark since my husband's unexpected death and sometime around 6 months, I stopped crying completely. I stopped because I gave up. I admitted defeat. Life won. The powers that be have won. I have nothing left in me. I merely exist. I get up early, feed the dogs, take them out, shower, fill my day with pointless ****, eat dinner, watch TV, go to bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat...

The only motivation I have is to continue to do things that would increase the likelihood of an early departure from this pointless, pathetic existence. I smoke a pack of cigarettes a day. I never go to the doctor (family history of breast cancer, diabetes, heart disease). I ignore major dental issues (which can lead to heart disease). I am under weight. I've been working in my basement for the past month which was covered in mold/mildew (fungal pneumonia perhaps?). Oh yeah, and the basement has higher than acceptable levels of radon. I took pleasure in knowing this as I chain smoked while I was working. The list goes on but I'll assume you get the point. 

I am only 47 years old and my biggest fear is living another 20, 30, 40 years. I cannot even bear the thought of 1 more year, let alone 40. 

I'm not sure why I'm writing this. I guess I'm just curious if anyone else does this or has found themselves as obsessed with death as I am. I'm also curious if the people with strong religious beliefs would consider this suicide? Does "God" consider this suicide? Will I go to Hell? I believe I am already there. This life is MY hell! 

Please refrain from suggesting that I seek professional help or posting any links. I can assure you I will ignore them. I don't want help. I cannot be helped. I hate life. I hate the world. I hate myself. The end (hopefully sooner rather than later).

[Meesh]

Nobody 1, i feel your anger and your pain, i have a lot of same emotions, sometimes i curl up and just want to die, its a weird feeling because i dont want to commit suicide, i avnt got the guts for that but i dont have a strong feeling of wanting to live either, i like you somedays, hate the world and hate life, i go about my day to day life best i can, i even go out to bars with my sister or friends, when men talk to me i clam up and hate it but i am trying or pretending to enjoy myself, i just sometimes want to be out and about instead of in feeling sorry for myself,  i feel at the moment i am living a false life but what other aternative is there. Also I am trying to think how he would want me to live and that helps because i know he would want me to live best life i could as im sure your husband would want same for you, i wish you well, its rubbish the way life has treated us but we have to sink or swim and in his memory i will not sink, take care and hope you find some peace x

[Chasisdope]

That's how I always feel but I find strength to get up and live for my children. I'm also living day by day, getting up and taking care of my personal hygiene. I do this because as much as I want to just let things be, I will not let my husband's family see me in any condition less than what my husband expected me to be when he was alive. He was proud to have me as his wife. I was beautiful to him and that's how I shall be up until the end of my days here on this earth. 

[Francine]

 

Nobody1 -- I am sorry for you; I can feel so much pain and suffering in your post.   I'm in 4 months this Wednesday, and still have the uncontrollable bouts of crying and anguish.  In the beginning of this horrific journey, I didn't want to continue to exist, hell, I wanted to be with my Charles (if I'm completely honest, sometimes I still do); we were always together, inseparable.  After his death (that sounds strange to me) I walked around like a zombie, shut out my family, friends, everybody.    I was furious at God, mad at the world, angry because I thought my Charles had deserted me.   Didn't want to associate with no one, didn't want to hear those (words you say to people whose lost their husband/soulmate) quotes like   "things will get better" or "I know what you're going through" or "you just need sometime to get over all this".  Generally, I like to think of myself as a friendly person, but after Charles passed on, I was not - just the opposite - and I didn't care if people liked it or not - It didn't matter, they didn't matter - hell, nothing mattered.

I was with this man, my man, my love, my heart for nearly 45 years (our anniversary is April 15) and we shared a love for the story books - only I didn't get the chance to live happily ever after - my storybook ending was painful, tragic; agonizing; heartbreaking, and sad -  in my storybook, my prince dies and I'm all alone.  That was not suppose to happen - no storybook fairytale ended that way.

12 hours ago, Nobody1 said:

I stopped because I gave up. I admitted defeat. Life won. The powers that be have won. I have nothing left in me. I merely exist. I get up early, feed the dogs, take them out, shower, fill my day with pointless ****, eat dinner, watch TV, go to bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat...

One morning after his death (funny words again)  I had a epiphany and I knew my Charles was OK.  That gave me an inner peace that is undescriable - literally.  I'm sorry you fill the need to give up.  I can never do that. Today is hard, tomorrow might be even harder, but the sunshine will eventually come out and shine; maybe not as bright as it use to be; but it will come.   I am a strong believer in God and prayer and I know I was given this life - and all the hardships, difficulties and sufferings because I am strong enough to live it.  Giving up is not an option for me; I know good things come to those who believe, better things come to those who are patient and the 'Best Things' come to those who don't give up - and I know my Charles would not have wanted me to give up.  I can't admit defeat - the only thing I know is this: I am full of wounds and still standing on my feet.  Life Won - Not for me - If life knocks me down, I will get up - life wins only when I stay down.  The powers that be have won - Only if I let them.  I'm in charge of me and my own feelings; if anyone has triggered a negative feeling, it is up to me and only me to decide whether it affects me or not.

When you think you have nothing left, know that God is enough and all you need.  Those who leave everything in God's hand will eventually see God's hand in everything.  Sometimes we rather keep it all inside of us because we would rather have pain destroy us than anyone or anything  else.  We can stay angry at life for not giving you us what we want, or we can feel blessed for being given all you need.  It's our choice.

My prayer is that God calms your heart and take away your anxieties; and not to make our lives easier, but to give us the strength to face all our troubles.  God bless you, keep us all, safe.

[HHFaith]

I just hit the 3 month mark yesterday.  I am still crying every day.  I don't know if I'll ever stop.  Though there are some (many) horrible days, and I think about giving up, I don't.  Something is keeping me going even when I'm at my lowest point.  I think about Pat and what he would think about all of this.  I know he wouldn't want me to give up.  I know he would want me to take care of myself the best I can.  He used to ask me, "Did you eat yet today?".  And he would suggest, "Get some rest.", "Go for a little walk."  I'm sure he's trying to tell me those things now.  The one thing I keep telling myself, and I even wrote it on a piece of paper and hung it on my bathroom mirror is, "I will live well for the both of us."  I am going on for me, but I am also going on for him.

[Andy]

Nobody1, I hope you find something to help you climb out of that dark, desolate place you've found yourself in. I think, to one degree or another, we've felt much as you do, some worse, some not as bad. Given your admittedly grim outlook, I don't know that I have anything to help you. However, you stated that you didn't know why you were writing what you were writing. Perhaps you are doing more than proclaiming your disdain for life or illustrating your desire for a expedited passing. Maybe you want or need someone to give you a reason to hope or an alternative to "giving up"? I don't know if that's the case, and if I'm wrong, I sincerely apologize. So, what I'm going to say is this, the absolute desolation you're experiencing, the endless sea of misery you're in, it sucks. It, without question, is the single worst thing I've ever been through, and it's no doubt the same for you. I don't know you, the only thing I know is that you've suffered a terrible loss, so great in its scope that it's shattered your world view, your perspective, maybe any sort of belief system. I get it. I really, really do. Most of us here do. It's a lonely, isolated, dejected experience and there isn't much at all that helps. Remember though, your husband fell in love and married you for many reasons, shared and built a life with you, for many reasons. It might sound quaint or naive to say "you mustn't let him down, you know he'd hate the way you've treated yourself", and maybe it is, but that doesn't make it any less true. He loves you because of who you are, and that's the person you've got to be, for him yes, but for you. He obviously thought you were worth living for, so maybe you should consider living for yourself, you ARE worth it. Today it doesn't matter if you have a reason to live for, tomorrow is another day to find one. And if that day is another blank, then the day after that one. That's what you repeat, and repeat, and repeat. He believed you were worth sharing a life with, I have no doubt he is right, so please, and fake it for as long as needed, be that girl he cherished. I absolutely promise you he wants that. I can't prove that, and when you doubt God or even if he exists at all, thats ok too, I'll believe for us both, ok? I said earlier that I don't know you, and that's true, but I do care. Why? Because I miss my wife everyday, my daughter cries for her mom everyday, my parents grieve their daughter in law everyday, and if I can help you, or anybody, get through this, even a tiny bit, then I will have done something worthy of my wife's love. I care Nobody1, I really do. Too much pain as it is, too much sorrow for this world, you're still here, still alive, stay that way, see to yourself and ALLOW your perceptions to once again soften and see things a little more balanced again. Your life is worth living, you are worth it, please give yourself the opportunity to see. 

I hope I didn't offend you, I hope I haven't made you upset at my assumptions, I'm sincerely wanting to help, I don't know if I can, but I wanted to try. I am going to be thinking about you and sending a prayer or two your way. Peace and a great big, annoying hug to you, 

Andy

[Nobody1]

To all who replied, 

First, thank you all for your responses. You've taught me a valuable lesson. Although you all feel the same heartache, you found it in yourselves to post something positive. 

Second, I apologise for having written that post. I regretted it all day and wish I could have deleted it. At 9 months in, if I don't have anything positive or helpful to say, I shouldn't say anything at all. 

Yesterday was the first nice day after weeks of rain and gloom. My neighbors were out (married couples) working in their yard together. I stood in my garage smoking, staring out the window at them. Oh how I envied them. Working together. Enjoying the weather.

As I mentioned, I had been working on remodeling my basement. After about a month and a half, the project was complete. I did everything myself. New floor, new trim, paint... Yesterday, I stood there admiring my work. It lasted for about a minute before those familiar thoughts popped in my head "who cares, who will ever see it, what's the point". My husband is not here to tell me how nice it looks. 

I should have probably explained that I have suffered from depression the majority of my life. The only one who knew this was my husband. So when he died (sudden cardiac arrest), it was really just the final chapter in a very sad life. This is why I can't ask myself "how would my husband want me to live my life?" Sure, he would want me to be happy but he would have known exactly what it would do to me. 

That is still no excuse for posting such negativity on a forum of people looking for help. I am further along in this journey than many of you and the least I could do is post some things I've learned along the way. So here goes.

If you are lucky enough to have people in you life (friends, family, neighbors) repeatedly offer their help or offer to talk, do not politely decline until you feel ready. Do not shut them out. Their offer's will eventually stop. They are only human.That is what's happened to me. You may find yourself sitting alone in you house hoping for just one more offer. 

Anyway, sorry again for the post and thank you for you responses.

 

[KayC]

On 4/2/2017 at 7:05 AM, Nobody1 said:

Please refrain from suggesting that I seek professional help or posting any links. I can assure you I will ignore them. I don't want help. I cannot be helped. I hate life. I hate the world. I hate myself. The end (hopefully sooner rather than later).

I'm not sure I would call this "passive" suicide either, but I do understand your feelings.  I think it's kind of how all of us feel in those early months/maybe even years.  I'm nearly 12 years out and I still struggle but not like in the first couple of years.  For the most part I've adjusted by now to living alone, having to make all of the decisions, living without touch (except my dog and cat), etc.  But the missing him never goes away.  I've gotten used to my life as it is.  I look for good in life, it's an active effort on my part that I've been practicing since day 11.  It is NOT easy, but I muster the effort because anything that will help me I want to try.  It took me more years than I can count to create a life I can live and to find purpose.  My big joy (George) is gone, but I continue to look for and appreciate the little joys that are.  To rob myself of that would be to do a great disservice to myself.  In order to effect change (adjust, make anything better, etc.) it requires an open mind.  Open to possibilities, open to help.  No one else can do that for you, only you can decide for yourself.  I understand thinking it's all futile, because I thought that too in the beginning.  I wanted to wrap my tree around a car at 120 mph, but I couldn't...my beliefs wouldn't let me, and I have animals depending on me and I don't want to cause grief pain to my kids and sisters.  Learning to do life without George was the hardest and longest work I've ever done.

You say there's no excuse for posting such negativity on a forum that's helping people...I couldn't disagree with you more.  Your feelings are your feelings.  There is nothing inherently wrong with feelings, they just are and yours are valid.  I have learned a bit of wisdom over the years though in not being governed by my feelings.  I've learned they are not a good barometer of anything.  I've learned they can change.  But neither are they "bad".  Not even when they FEEL bad!  You are welcome, encouraged to vent here, that's also a purpose of this place.  This is the one safe place we can pour out our hearts and know we are heard and even understood...by a group of caring people that are going through or have gone through similar experience.  I can tell you we care about you and what you're feeling and going through and we'll be here to walk through this with you if you want us to.

Normally it's recommended to try a grief counselor.  It can take a few times to find the right one.  I wish they were all good, unfortunately they aren't all.  But a lot of times people make the mistake of going to "a counselor" or "a therapist" and I only want to warn they are not all equal and the same.  Just as most doctors are not trained in grief, neither are all counselors and therapists.  It's important to verify that they are "a professional grief counselor".  I have been under the tutelage of a professional grief counselor all these years and have learned so much from her, she's been amazing in guiding us and providing support, helps, articles, suggestions of books, links, etc.  I could not have made it without her.  But the "counselor" that purported to have grief knowledge (and didn't) was a horrid experience, and that right after my husband died.  OMG they are not all one and the same!
 We won't tell you what to do, only you can do that.  We will give you our opinions if we think something will help you, but like the many who have gone before you here, it's up to you to listen and act...or not.  We want to show only the utmost respect and courtesy to you and that includes HEARING you.

(((hugs))) 

[Meesh]

Nobody1, dont be sorry, you needed to express yourself and somthings just have to be said. You should be so proud of yourself for completing your basement and your husband would be proud of you too x

[Andy]

Nobody1, if you can't post your thoughts here, to freely express your grief in a safe, non judgmental place like this, then this site has failed. And I know it hasn't. We care because we understand, one degree or another, we get it. 

Also, my wife suffered from an assortment of physical and emotional/psychological problems for about 35 of her 42 years. I had an intimate look at clinical depression, I held my wife's hand and did everything in my meager ability to carry her when she needed me to. I was there as pieces of my wife changed or even disappeared. Without actually having the diagnosed illnesses myself, I know about as much as I care to about depression, and my heart goes out to you. I'm truly saddened by that insidious "demon" and how it can turn a life inside out. I know how it makes you think, the hopelessness it instills, how it robs you of happiness and pleasure, and add a terrible loss on top of that, it's understandably almost too much to accept. 

You share your feelings anytime, for here, you're amongst friends.

Praying you find a way,

Andy 

[Francine]

5 hours ago, Nobody1 said:

That is still no excuse for posting such negativity on a forum of people looking for help. I am further along in this journey than many of you and the least I could do is post some things I've learned along the way. So here goes.

Anyway, sorry again for the post and thank you for you responses.

You have every right to say what you are feelings - no need to apologize; God knows I have, even when others may have thought differently.  That's the beauty of this website; we will not agree on everything, nor should we; we are individuals with our own thoughts and feelings.  But what I have learned is that it's OK to speak your mind; as long as you are not offensive or disrespectful to others.   We all get it; our pain is real and so are our feelings.  What KayC might say, I might disagree; what KMB might say, I might be totally on board with; or vice versa.  But guess what? that's OK -  because at the end of the day I know they are still here for me and for all on this site. God bless and keep you safe; keep us all, safe. 

[Cat]

 

I am so sorry for your loss and I just wanted say that I feel so much the way you do. I lost my fiancé 8 days ago and aside from assisting with the arrangements, I have not left the house. I just sit in a dark room all day without even turning on the tv. The memorial is on Friday and I am a complete mess not even knowing how I will ever get back to work... Like you i feel like i died with him and if it were not for my mother I don't know that I would still be here... I have told family and friends that i wont harm myself but all I want is to be where he is. I cannot imagine living years with this pain. I blame myself and i just keep replaying the last day, last couple of days. We argued the day he passed and i ended up finding him of what was most likely drug od. I never truly understood his struggles because I am not a addict and I blame myself for what happened and for not telling him that I loved him. I just keep thinking that he died alone and although people tell me that it wasn't intentional i just don't know... I am 37 and i truly feel that my life is over, i will do what i need, get back to work but i dont see me being able to enjoy anything. Everything i wanted to do was with him, he was my whole world and i just don't have desire to do anything. 

[Nobody1]

Hi Cat, I am so so sorry for the loss of your fiance. I can provide no words of comfort other than you are not alone here. There are so many good hearted people on this site that are here to listen and give support. Yes, I too live only for my mother and two dogs. It is my only purpose but a purpose non the less. I hope you find some comfort here.

[Andy]

1 hour ago, Cat said:

 

I am so sorry for your loss and I just wanted say that I feel so much the way you do. I lost my fiancé 8 days ago and aside from assisting with the arrangements, I have not left the house. I just sit in a dark room all day without even turning on the tv. The memorial is on Friday and I am a complete mess not even knowing how I will ever get back to work... Like you i feel like i died with him and if it were not for my mother I don't know that I would still be here... I have told family and friends that i wont harm myself but all I want is to be where he is. I cannot imagine living years with this pain. I blame myself and i just keep replaying the last day, last couple of days. We argued the day he passed and i ended up finding him of what was most likely drug od. I never truly understood his struggles because I am not a addict and I blame myself for what happened and for not telling him that I loved him. I just keep thinking that he died alone and although people tell me that it wasn't intentional i just don't know... I am 37 and i truly feel that my life is over, i will do what i need, get back to work but i dont see me being able to enjoy anything. Everything i wanted to do was with him, he was my whole world and i just don't have desire to do anything. 

Cat, I'm truly sorry, this grief and the sorrow are, and will be, terrible. 8 days, this is still such a shock, physically and emotionally, your world has been shattered, you're still reeling from this tragedy. Everything you feel, anger, guilt, sorrow, regret, utter sadness, lonely, nothing, it's all normal. I'm 3 months out from my wife's passing, and I still feel all of this, and more. My daughter had gotten into an argument with my wife, two days before she passed away. She carries a tremendous amount of guilt, and it was beginning to affect her "life". I'll share with you what I told my daughter and apply it to your situation. You two were obviously in love, you were engaged, planning for a future together. So it stands to reason that his love for you was true and absolute. When we love someone that way, we don't often need to forgive, because we forgive before you say anything. Your fiancé may have been angry with you, but he loves you, and love triumphs over all. He does NOT hold you responsible for this, because you aren't, he does NOT need to forgive you, because he never truly held things against you. His act was a decision, not because of you, not done in spite of you, it was the result of personal "demons" that became too much. 

Cat, know that he loved you then, he loves you now. He forgave long before he passed, the truly hard part is forgiving yourself. Trust me, that's a tough one. But you'll sort these things out, one second at a time. 

Post here as often as you see fit. These people here are amazing. The personal experiences and insight they provide is priceless. Amazing people here. 

I'll be thinking of you and praying for you, comfort and peace,

Andy 

[Cat]

Thank you both for responding. I have been talking with friends but it is hard because they haven't been through it to truly understand. I didn't know what else to do but try to look online for people who can understand my complete devastation. Thank you Andy for taking the time to write the msg. I know he knows I loved him and he had an od in 2015 and barely made it and i begged him to please not leave me, i wouldn't be able to do life without him. I pray that he is at peace and that he really did not do it intentionally. I don't think I have even slept long enough to have  a dream about him. I just lay here all day and all night thinking... I am just completely devastated 

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Cat said:

I blame myself and i just keep replaying the last day, last couple of days. We argued the day he passed and i ended up finding him of what was most likely drug od. I never truly understood his struggles because I am not a addict and I blame myself for what happened and for not telling him that I loved him

It's normal to keep replaying the end over and over in our minds.  With time hopefully the replays will come less frequently.
You are not to blame for his death.  We ask ourselves the what ifs in an effort to come up with a different ending, but the truth is, this was something that resided in him, it was an internal issue that may not have responded to external help (from others).  I've known people who commit suicide that were getting good professional help and have very supportive family, but they had issues that made them feel THEY couldn't handle life.  It's not about what you did/didn't do, it's about what was going on inside of him.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/11/surviving-spouses-suicide.html

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/grief-support-for-survivors-of-suicide.html

 

[KMB]

Cat, I am sorry for your tragic loss of your fiance'. Of course you are devastated! Who wouldn't be. You lost him and your future life filled with plans. Shock and denial are there also. You'll be experiencing many conflicting emotions. It is good that you have your mom there to give you comfort and support. Down the road, you might want to consider grief counseling , if you find you need additional support. Keep reaching out to us here. We are good listeners and will be here for you. Prayers and hugs.

[KayC]

On 4/2/2017 at 7:05 AM, Nobody1 said:

I'm also curious if the people with strong religious beliefs would consider this suicide? Does "God" consider this suicide? Will I go to Hell?

The bible tells us our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit, that's why we are not to defile our bodies.  We are to take care of ourselves.  Life is a gift.  I realize it doesn't SEEM like a gift right now, it feels more like a curse or living hell as you describe it.  

Six months is one of the hardest times in the grief journey.  It's the time when reality sets in.  You realize it's not just a nightmare you can wake up from.  People have gone back to their lives and left you alone with the absence of yours.  It can be gotten through.  In order for anything to get any better for you it requires you process his death, which takes great time and effort, and build a life for yourself that you can live, and find purpose.  None of this is overnight, none of it easy.  I know.  We all know.  I felt as you in the first couple of years, and I'm nearly at 12 years now.  Timelines are different for everyone depending on the work they put into their grief, whether or not they get grief counseling, read books, article, post/read on forums, etc.  We don't get through this by doing nothing to help ourselves through it.  

You ask if you'll go to hell.  I can't answer that, only God can.  I'm sure there's varying beliefs out there.  How harsh God judges remains to be seen.  We do know what the bible tells us to do.  I am of "grace" belief, that Jesus died for our sins in our place and His grace is sufficient.  We aren't perfect, we're still human, even if "saved", and it's something we deal with every day.   We try to live our lives as pleasing to Him out of gratitude for what He has done for us and because He's given us instruction in how to live.  But we still have our feelings to deal with and feelings are not sin, it's what we act on that matters.  

Feeling suicidal, regardless of method, is normal in grief.  I'd hope none of us would act on it because to do so would be to remove all hope.

We can tell you to go to a doctor, see a professional grief counselor, have someone fix the unsafe issues in your home, but until you have a desire to make anything better for yourself, you're not likely to heed anything we say.  We can only be here for you, pray for you, listen to you, and care.  No one can do this journey for us but US.

[Francine]

16 hours ago, Cat said:

I am so sorry for your loss and I just wanted say that I feel so much the way you do. I lost my fiancé 8 days ago and aside from assisting with the arrangements, I have not left the house. I just sit in a dark room all day without even turning on the tv. The memorial is on Friday and I am a complete mess not even knowing how I will ever get back to work... Like you i feel like i died with him and if it were not for my mother I don't know that I would still be here... I have told family and friends that i wont harm myself but all I want is to be where he is. I cannot imagine living years with this pain. I blame myself and i just keep replaying the last day, last of days.

Cat  --  I am so sorry for your loss and can feel your pain.  Of all the major life events you can experience, losing someone you love is one of the most painful events that you will ever have to endure.  This process can become more complicated if your loved one died as a result of drug and alcohol addiction. Along with the positive memories that you may hold of that person, you may hold some negative memories that can make the grieving process more difficult for you.  Those emotions you are experiencing is called Grief - Grief is an ugly beast - it takes us to the lowest depths we can go - rock bottom; and the way you are feeling now, you may think, this is as rock bottom as it gets. But you know what? - we don't have to stay there;  Sometimes God will let you hit rock bottom so that you will discover that HE is the rock at the bottom and when we are at our lowest, we are open to great change.

14 hours ago, Cat said:

I know he knows I loved him and he had an od in 2015 and barely made it and i begged him to please not leave me, i wouldn't be able to do life without him. I pray that he is at peace and that he really did not do it intentionally. I don't think I have even slept long enough to have  a dream about him. I just lay here all day and all night thinking... I am just completely devastated 

It appeared you both loved one another; that love you shared will always be; it's in the atmosphere.  The disease of addiction is strong and when threatened, can be deadly. It is the only prison where the locks are on the inside.  I sometimes think that fear is the memory of pain and addiction is the memory of pleasure.  I am so sorry that his pleasure was stronger than his pain.   Of course you're devastated and the pain of his loss is absolutely immeasurable.  After all, you lost your fiance, the man you envisioned growing old with, having children with; sharing your life with; making memories with -  your man, your life.   The hardest thing will be learning to live without him.  Even as you go through this storm, this hurricane,  and you feel like your insides are full of lightning, thunder and wind, know that the storm will subside.  You can even feel like the problem might drown you.  Know that we all have storms in our lives and just as Jesus calmed the storm at sea, he will calm the storm in our lives as well.  The pain you feel today is the strength you will feel tomorrow.

 Give God your broken heart; he made it so he can fix it.   I hope you continue to post.  This website has some amazing people who are not afraid to share their stories and offer you words of comfort, encouragement and support.  Know that you are in my prayers.  God Bless and keep you, keep us all, safe.

[Cat]

Thank all of you for being so kind and writing back. I am sorry for all of you that have lost someone so special. I can only think for a few min that i can get through it and then i just get back into my sadness and despair. This is so hard. I am trying to work next week but every little thing seems so overwhelming. 

[KMB]

Cat, I can feel your pain and I'm sorry. Grieving is a roller coaster journey of emotions. Due to our higher state of emotions, little things do seem more overwhelming than they would normally be. Just try to take things one at a time. I know you have to go back to work. Maybe let a supervisor or boss know what has happened. They can give your coworkers a heads up to be supportive with any emotional breakdowns and maybe ease and check over your work load. I know for myself, I would have been a mess if I had had to go to a job after my loss. (HUGS)

[KayC]

Cat,

When my husband passed away, I was off for two weeks except coming in to do payroll.  One of my coworkers had lost a young child and understood grief/loss.  My boss had him address all of the employees and tell them what to expect and how best to respond (or not to).  I can't describe what a difference that made to me!  They were all so wonderful and caring.  I asked my boss to check my work for a while as my focus was affected and I caught myself making mistakes.  This was a place that made military airplane parts and we could NOT make mistakes!  He obliged and that helped as little by little I was able to perform my work better.  Unfortunately, due to government changes, this company went out of business a few months later and I lost my job.  I didn't talk about my loss on my next job, it was all young people that had not experienced it and didn't have a clue and didn't seem very caring.

If you have  Human Resource Dept. you might want to talk to them about it before going back.

[Cat]

KMB and KayC, thank you both. My supervisor knows about the situation and several of my very supportive coworkers have been checking in daily. I just worry that i won't be able to do my work. I basically lay here all day all night and I'm not sure what I'm waiting for. I have 0 desire to do anything, its the most empty feeling... 

[KMB]

Cat, You are already one step ahead with your supervisor and coworkers already in the *know*. Do not worry about not being able to do your work. The 1st day/week, might be a challenge but it will get easier. Your job is still a part of your life that will bring a semblance of normalcy and balance.

That sense of *waiting* you mention, that is normal. I had that feeling for a long time, still do occasionally. I was overly anxious, restless, waiting for something, but I had no idea what. I don't think there are any adequate words to describe that feeling. Maybe a side effect of all the chaotic emotions. Maybe it is because we feel so lost, lonely, without direction. No where to go with all the pain. The pain is love with no where to go with it. I guess we are supposed to direct that love onto ourselves now.  loving ourselves and taking care of ourselves will be the way we are going to be able to continue on .I have no desire, no interest in anything either. I take care of the pets I deal with the basics of functioning on autopilot. I have been getting outside more, which I feel has been helpful. It is early spring and I have been working on yard cleanup. The debris left over from winter storms. It has been giving me something else to focus on, exercise and fresh air. I've been finding out that just talking myself into just getting up and doing, being active and productive has its benefits. I was that way before my husband passed, we were both that way. I can still hang onto that part of my old life.

Hang in there, Cat. You can do this! (HUGS)

[KayC]

My cubicle was right next to the bathroom, when I would erupt into tears, I'd run to the bathroom until I could get control of myself.  I hope you have someplace private you can be when you need to at work.

[Cat]

Thank you KMB, I am glad that u have been able to get out more. That is a goal for me at this point and it is a tough task. I appreciate your kind words. 

KayC, thank you for your msg. I do have an office that i share with one person who has been extremely supportive and loving. I know i have to force myself to do something. It is so hard and i know that all i will be doing is going to work and returning home to bed. That will my life from now on... 

I send HUGS to all of you going through this immense pain..

[KMB]

Cat, Thinking of you today while you are back to work. You will be ok. Baby steps, one day at a time. (HUGS)

[Cat]

KMB, 

I am actually not going back for another week but i woke up today and am having a hard time. Its 2 weeks today. I can only think for a few min at a time that i can do this and then i just sink back into i'm never going to see him here again. I have to somehow make a flight out of state around 4 hrs total for the 2nd service. Today it seems impossible... I want him back so bad! Hugs to you,

Thank you

[KayC]

Cat,

Do you have someone who can go with you to the next service?  I hate to think of you doing that alone.

[Cat]

KayC,

Thank you for msg. I am going alone. His mom left today but it wasn't necessary for me to spend the week there. My intention was to see a few family members and attend the service which is Friday. I too am worried about making it all that way but it just feels like i need to for him and his 16 yr old niece begged me to go. I'll see how I'm feeling Wed bc it is a long trip...

 

[KayC]

I wish you well with it, let us know how it goes.

[Cat]

Thank you KayC, 

Made it but started crying as soon as I landed all the way to airport. My fiancé and I had never been here together as he had court issues and couldn't leave state but he always wanted me to meet his other grandmother and bc he didn't have children, he was very close to his 17 yr old niece who i had met and she wanted me to come as well. I know he would have wanted me to be here but it does not make this any easier. I just keep thinking i am not supposed to be here without him and the unable to focus thing is out of control. Every little tiny thing takes so much effort, taking 3 flights today.... I feel like i will never be "normal".

[KMB]

Cat, I'm sorry that this other service is giving you non needed hassle and pain. Just keep in mind you are doing this for him. He wanted you to meet his relatives, even though it is through unfortunate circumstances. You are being strong and courageous! Your fiance' will be with you in spirit. Hang in there.  (HUGS)

[Cat]

Thank you KMB for your words, i am trying and u are absolutely correct with your msg. Its for my baby. Feels so lonely having room service, a drink without him. I just keep thinking he is supposed to be here! Feels like its going to take forever to feel any type of normal... God, this hurts...

[KMB]

Cat, Will be thinking of you today and sending prayers of comfort. Your beloved will be with you in spirit.

[KayC]

Cat,

Thinking of you and praying for comfort and encouragement and strength to get through this.  You're doing this for him.

[Cat]

Thank you KMB and KayC, 

It was difficult to get through today. He had not been here in a long time but he grew up here and people really loved him and i just kept thinking he should be here! The pictures are so hard to look at and i havent even been able to but  at both memorials there were collages. I just cant imagine getting through this pain. I just want him here or to be where he is. How am i going to enjoy anything in life without him? This feels so impossible right now... I am completely devastated, heartbroken and i keep hoping that he will just appear.. 

[KMB]

Cat, Proud of you for making it through yesterday. The pain is all consuming. It does seem impossible right now to cope. I still wish for my husband to walk back in the door. Logically, I know that is not going to happen. The heart wants what it wants. I also wish to be where my husband is. I have to wait until it's my turn. The waiting is going to be our long road on the rest of our journey.

We are here for you. Have a safe travel home.

[KayC]

Cat,

I'm glad you made it through the memorial.  I spent 17 hours making a collage for George's memorial...1/3 his growing up, 1/3 his life before me, 1/3 his life with me.  I still take it out and look at it now and then, it's quite large so it's too big to display in my home although I did so for a while.

Try not to worry about how/whether you'll enjoy any of life, just focus on getting through your day.  You will have some times of enjoyment and smiling now and then throughout your life although I can't tell you how long it'll take or how much it will be.  Our lives are changed forever, that is for sure.

[Cat]

Thank you KayC for your msg and advice. I have to just keep telling myself that and it is so hard at times. I am praying for you and thank you so much for being there. I cant even think about going to therapy and it helps to write my feelings down on this website and know that i am not crazy with all of these emotions. 

[KayC]

Oh trust me, you're not crazy.  Pretty much any and all feelings we have are normal for grief!  Even when they're at odds with each other.

[bradley1985]

On 4/2/2017 at 7:56 PM, Chasisdope said:

That's how I always feel but I find strength to get up and live for my children. I'm also living day by day, getting up and taking care of my personal hygiene. I do this because as much as I want to just let things be, I will not let my husband's family see me in any condition less than what my husband expected me to be when he was alive. He was proud to have me as his wife. I was beautiful to him and that's how I shall be up until the end of my days here on this earth. 

Nicole was proud that I was her husband.  Super proud.  And that is the only reason I comb my hair and finally cut my nails again, etc.   I want to look nice for her more than anything, even though she is not here.

[KMB]

bradley1985, Even though Nicole can no longer be here physically, she is still with you spiritually. Of course you want to look nice for her. She would want you to take care of yourself. Self care is important. We need our strength to get through this process and keeping up with our appearance will also help with boosting our confidence and self esteem. Everything about us took a huge blow with our loss. I am so, so sorry for your loss of your beautiful Nicole. She is watching over you from Heaven and is always going to be proud of you and loving you until you meet again.

[Cat]

Thank you KayC, I have started to feel upset the last few days after talking with his grandma and nephew because he was having people over to the house when his nephew was there and he wouldn't have reason to do that unless he was using or selling drugs. It's so frustrating because he told me that he wanted everything i wanted and was so secretive at times and that's why i argued with him. I just didn't want it to end up like this with him leaving me here alone. He had changed so much from the time we met when he was afraid to open his heart to anyone and i stayed with him seeing the good person and wanting to show the world that person. I didn't understand the addiction and he told me that after he almost died in 2015 that he never wanted to use again. This is so devastating and i will never get answers to my questions. I will never get an answer to why it wasn't enough... I have been between sad and angry the last few days... This will be the rest of my life....

[KayC]

15 hours ago, Cat said:

This will be the rest of my life....

It won't always feel as it does now though.  While it's true that he's gone and you're having to adjust to that, you will adjust and life will be better than it is right now at this moment.  You gave him the gift of your belief in him, and he's paying a high price for not realizing what he had...with every choice is a consequence but sometimes people don't realize that in time.

[Cat]

Thank you KayC for your msg. It does feel like this pain will never change and its important to hear from others. After 3 weeks and 3 days, the pain is always present and so raw, almost anything can make me cry. And feeling like I should have done something different, i just feel like I'm going to go crazy... I have been working this week and everyone has been very supportive so that helps. 

[Nica]

I also think about "passive suicide."  I recently ended up in the hospital and had to do a CT scan.  They saw something I need to get checked while they were looking at what I ended up in the hospital for.  I have no intention of getting it checked.  When someone said something to me the other day about quitting smoking, I told them I didn't want to live longer than I had to.  I worry my family and friends will blame my husbands death and in a way blame him if I committed suicide so I just keep hoping something else takes me.  I am 36 years old and people keep telling me how young I am and what a full life I can still have.  I know they say it because they think it is comforting but it isn't.  I'm done.  My husband and I couldn't have children.  We tried to adopt but the adoption fell through.  So I'm alone.  The only real reason I get out of bed is to let our dogs out.  Everyday I wake up and the hell starts because I ****ing woke up again.

[Nica]

On 4/3/2017 at 8:28 AM, Nobody1 said:

Second, I apologise for having written that post. I regretted it all day and wish I could have deleted it. At 9 months in, if I don't have anything positive or helpful to say, I shouldn't say anything at all. 

After I responded, I saw this post from you and I just wanted you to know that your post was the first I have seen that made me feel like I wasn't completely alone.  I have many people in my life who daily try to prop me up with messages of hope and positivity.  I just feel more alone afterwards because I can't find a way to believe the things they say.  I know these message boards are to help people and promote a new happiness, but sometimes sharing the negative can kind of bring about hope when someone like me reads it after feeling so completely alone.  I just don't think you should regret your post.

[KayC]

Nica,

I hate to see you not get it checked because sometimes suffering to death can be a hell of a way to go.  We do have the ability to end our lives here in Oregon if we have something fatal, but even so it's not an easy decision especially when you have family that still wants you around.

None of us felt she should apologize for saying what's on her mind, we all understand her lack of will to live, we've all been through it.