Lost my Mom suddenly 3 weeks ago

[Katieansara]

I lost My Mom suddenly- 3 weeks ago. My Husband, son and I were vacationing in Maui with my Mom and Dad when my Mom experienced a perforated bowel. She survived the emergency surgery, but eventually passed from septic shock.  I know she could here us talking to her because she would squeeze my hand, but I never got to have one last conversation with her where she could talk back.  We were so close she was my best friend.  I don't know how to go on without her.  

[The Girl]

I'm so sorry about your mom.  Something like a perforated bowel is so unexpected, and losing your mom is such a difficult thing to go through.  There was another post recently, someone had gone through the same thing with her mom, and maybe it would offer you some comfort relating to that in knowing you're not alone. 

I lost my mom recently under similar circumstances.  She had surgery done before a perforation could happen, but her large intestine had died due to infection.  She was going into septic shock prior to surgery and it caused her blood pressure to plummet when they performed the procedure, which caused a massive stroke.  It's upsetting not being able to have the final conversation with them you wish you could have had.  I think that's why I started a grief journal recently, and it is helping to get those words out that I'd like to have said to her. 

I've seen my mom with sepsis twice now and know how hard it is to see them go through that.  You're right to believe your mom could hear you.  In my experience, they're still aware even when shock sets in.  My mom didn't have the best memory following septic shock, but with sepsis she could hold conversations and be able to tell us she didn't feel right.  Mostly they just feel tired, and as shock sets in, that fatigue becomes overwhelming.  

It sounds like such a cliche, but you can only take it one day at a time.  It's normal to feel lost for awhile.  Probably a long while.  I'm only a few more weeks in than you and feel no different than I did at 3 weeks.  But I'm finding my grief journal, this forum, and letting myself grieve to be helpful in getting through all the emotions.  It's not easy, but in time it will get better. 

[Katieansara]

Thank-you for your message.  Our situations are so similar it's almost unbelievable, my mom had the same surgery you spoke of 12 years ago and they removed a large portion of her large intestine because of the infection.  she was somewhat ok after, she lived a pretty normal life, but had issue after issue internally. They could always fix it though so she always seemed indestructible.  

The perforated bowel sent her body into shock and her blood pressure dropped so low.  She didn't have a stroke, but it destroyed most of her organs.  

[Athina]

@Katieansara, my condolences on the loss of your dearest mother. The Girl is right, we can only take it moment by moment, day by day. In the end of April it will be 6 months that I have not heard my mom's voice, talked to her, hugged her. Surprisingly, life on the outside goes on, and I find myself right there where I was a month after her death. People find it as a surprise that I am still sad and grieving. Even though I try to hide it. In my mind I keep replaying the last episodes of her life. 

My mom also died while "vacationing" at my place - I live very far away from my real home, in another country. She came to visit me and I had to return her in the box of ashes. Just thinking of it breaks my heart. I imagine how she was waiting to come to me and nobody envisioned this terrible outcome. You must have also been devastated to lose a mother under such circumstances - far away from home complicates the situation. 

Myself, I think I'll never come to terms to accept her death. And thankfully, we don't have to live forever. 

If you find the need, visit this forum, talk to us. I've been visiting it regularly. Knowing that I am not alone in this somehow comforts me. Take care. 

[Katieansara]

@Athina, I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom.  I looked at your original post on here and I too feel the same as you that my son, 16 months was robbed of knowing such a beautiful Woman, they were so close in the short time they had together.  It is our job to make her memory eternal.  Everyday I feel like I've punched in the stomach when a memory pops up or I remember that she's not here with us.  I feel your pain sister, hang in there. Xoxo

 

 

[Rhilets]

Hi all,

i lost my lovely mum 3 weeks ago very suddenly after we hadn't heard from her for a few days. Just awful as she was completely alone. I can only hope she passed away peacefully in her sleep (it was a perforated ulcer - leading to peritonitis) but we'll never know for sure now. I was an only child and mum was a single parent so for years she was all I had and we were very close.  I have a lovely family of my own now but in a way that makes the grief harder because I'm painfully aware that my sons won't have that wonderful presence in their lives anymore at those times she would have been such a support. 

I never got to hold her, comfort her through her pain or tell her how much I loved her. This is just so unimaginably painful - I still can't accept a world without her in it. 

[The Girl]

@Rhilets I'm very sorry for your loss.  I don't know if we ever truly accept a world w/o our mothers.  It feels like an impossible thing to even grasp.  It's been 3 months in for me and I wonder if it's just the distractions we learn to accept and not life w/o them.  I can say, it will get better.  It's different for everyone, but eventually you start recovering the ability to do small things, and those small things will add up more and more to where they start to feel almost normal, even if only for short moments.  

It's hard not being able to be there, or to have been able to help in some way.  There never seems to be a fair or comforting way about it.  Just know, you're not alone with that.  What I keep reading throughout this forum is that most of us felt helpless in our losses, like there was something we wish we could have done.  The life you lived with your mom is what matters most.  I hope in time that will be of comfort to you.  

Losing your mom is a difficult thing.  I don't know if everyone has experienced this but my first month or so I found the emotions and thoughts overwhelming and confusing.  As time went by, it's like my mind started making sense of my duress and even though I'm far from healed, it usually feels easier to go through all this.  I wish you well and hope you have gentler times ahead.