Spring doesn't help

[Marcel]

Today was the first really warm and sunny day. I got of work early but couldn't enjoy the weather. After all these months of grey I was looking forward to spring but now it only reminds me of the trips we made all those years.
We would go to the beach or hiking in the woods. Drove around to find new interesting places. It's about a year ago, since she was last able to walk for over an hour. I lost our way and we had to hitchhike back to our car in the end but it was beautiful and I was so proud of her. Other times we tried and had to return to the car after just a few steps. The last two years her good days were rare. We both always enjoyed nature and seeing this beautiful day just by myself really hurts.

[cp9042]

Marcel:

It sounds like you and your wife shared some wonderful moments.  My husband wasn't able to get around much in the last few months, so most everything we did was inside.

Maybe you can just sit outside and soak up the sun.  You may cry, but you will feel the warmth of the sun which is good for your body.  

Hugs

[Francine]

 

Marcel,

Wow!  I know what you mean - I'm also am not looking forward to the Spring; not without my Charles.  No more picnics in the park; no more putting food on the outside grill; no more sitting on the porch just talking and enjoying each other's company; no more listening to 'our' favorite music; no more holding hands while walking in the park  - sneaking short kisses on occasions.  Life was good then and I was so very happy.   Right now my life is so miserable and sad without my Charles; sometimes, the only reason I won't let go of what's making me sad is because it was the only thing that made me happy.  I've learned more from the pain than I could've ever learned from pleasure.   How am l going to survive this?   Some would say that in time, things will get better.  Death changes everything; Time changes nothing. I miss the sound of his voice, the wisdom in his advice, the funny stories and jokes he told, just being in his presence.   So right now, as I see it, Time changes nothing.  I miss him as much today as I did the day he died. My insides hurt, literally, from missing him - God, I love that man and always will.  Pray for me - I really need it now.

 

[Marcel]

I think I mentioned it before. Years ago I made a post about happiness being your own choice in another support forum (had nothing to do with grief).
The essence of it was that it's a matter of how much weight you grant the positive emotions and how much the negative ones.
I really try to focus on the good times we had more than the times we will miss out on. I'm not there yet, but I promise "I'm trying real hard to be the shepherd"

[Andy]

Marcel, it's been rather warm here for the last 5-6 days, and I was wondering how I'd respond to the changing seasons. For us, the first thing Spring meant was our daughters birthday. Next Tuesday she'll turn 21, and I'm apprehensive to say the least. Spring also, like you, meant thinking about summer trips, family vacations, just enjoying the outdoors. I've always had a strong dislike for the grey skies and the withered trees of winter. Too much and my mood rapidly declines, so I've always looked forward to the blue skies and greenery of spring. I find myself missing my wife being here in her favorite time of year, but it also brings me comfort. I feel as if I'm somehow "closer" to her, in the midst of the renewal I suppose. Sappy maybe, but I'll take it. I hope that somehow you find some part of this, or any season, that brings you some sort of comfort. It's another bitter irony that things that once brought joy turn into things that bring us sadness. 

Francine, I'm thinking and praying for you. We need each other's support and I'll do what I'm able, bless you. I think as you, how will I survive this? Not letting go of things because of the dual nature of how they make us feel, I get that too, and coming to understand that time does NOT heal all wounds, yes, that also. My wife's phone, I simply cannot turn it off. It was a simple, non smart phone, old button type, but she loved it, it was her lifeline, her calendar, appointment book, photo album, everything she wanted. I call it to hear her say her name. It makes me cry every time, but I need that connection. I think some people think I'm crazy or making things worse by doing that, maybe I am, I don't know, but they don't understand, I need any connection to my wife, who I will love and miss until I too pass away. They just don't understand, do they? Surviving is all I basically do now. I go to work, I pay bills, eat, shower, repeat. Weekends are a desperate scramble to find things to do so I won't "think" so much. Dwelling is agony, I "see" her everywhere, it's just so much pain. I took my daughter birthday shopping today. It was nice and it wasn't. I felt so out of place, my daughter at times would ask me "if mom would like this" or "I wish mom was here to help me". I do to, I do to. The void left is so overwhelming. I'm trying so hard, sometimes I wonder why, but I just keep trying. Maybe something will happen. Maybe nothing but the same. Hang in there Francine, we have to hang on, our beloveds truly love us, so we get up for them. I like to think my wife is around, watching, maybe "guiding" things along. I'll see one day. 

I've rambled long enough, peace and comfort to you both, 

Andy

[fzald]

Marcel,

I think one of the problems that we have in the world is that very belief - that people can simply "choose" to be happy. Yes, we can choose to focus on certain memories, thoughts, feelings, but we can't just discard or eliminate those we don't want to focus on. Those feelings still exist, they still invade our thoughts and our minds, and in hard times they will come forward and force themselves upon us. People who have not lived through paralyzing grief will often tell you to just "think of the good times" and "remember them", as if doing that will take away all of the sad. People act like you are choosing to cry, choosing to struggle to get through every day, choosing to be sad. People say that if you would just get up and do something fun you wouldn't feel so bad. People don't understand.

Our world is so fast these days. The pace of the world is immensely faster than it was even 30 years ago. The world moves so fast that there's no "time" for feelings that are undesired. Businesses sometimes offer only three days off for bereavement. Who exactly can get over someone they loved so dearly in only three days? Some people will take "advantage" of the three days for a short break from work when a relatively distant relative passes. But when the person who passed is your soulmate, your best friend, the love of your life, then three days is a joke. It can take three YEARS to get back to "normal" and even then that "normal" will be a new normal. Some people are able to find the routine again, but not truly be happy. That's where I am. I'm functioning better at work, actually getting things done, but I'm not happy. I'm able to have some periods of time where I am not immensely, profoundly, paralyzingly sad, but that sadness is still there and I must allow it to be there. I don't have a choice. Would I like to dispense with my sadness and just BE HAPPY AGAIN? Of course. It's almost certainly what my girl would say she would want - for me to be happy again. But it's not that simple. You can't choose not to feel. You may be able to muster will power and go through motions, but it's exhausting. You cannot, however, will yourself to just be happy in the midst of such pain and sadness. Any more than a person who was just paralyzed from the waist down in an accident can will themselves to stand up and walk.

A grief book I read said that our grief is very much like being in the ICU, and we should treat it as such. We need to take care of ourselves, take things gently, allow whatever feelings to happen, feel the pain, sometimes try to dull the pain but never eliminate it, and be easy on ourselves. If only the rest of society could see that point. Too often, after grief, people other than those closest to the one who died just move on and even get sick of hearing about it. Eventually, you're expected to just be normal again, and often that expectation is far too quick. If only we could understand that grieving people are horribly injured, just not visibly. If only society could understand and comprehend just how much pain we suffer. If only they could grasp the magnitude of the losses we're suffering. There are teams of people all over the world who take care of people with physical illnesses, but people who have emotional and invisible pain are often just labeled as mentally ill, depressed, or something else, and the true nature of the pain is never addressed properly.

It's sad.

Spring is bittersweet for me too. My love would have been so happy. Spring was our favorite season. Finally we could walk together, spend time outside together, sit on a bench and breathe in the fresh air while we talked and talked into the evening. If she were still here, we'd already be making lots of plans for our summer, and for these days of beautiful weather. I love the spring, but it saddens me at the same time, because I should be sharing it with her.

 

[Francine]

On 3/31/2017 at 5:26 PM, Andy said:

Francine, I'm thinking and praying for you. We need each other's support and I'll do what I'm able, bless you. I think as you, how will I survive this?

Thanks, I really need it.  Some days are just worst than others and this day is turning out to be one of those 'difficult' days.  Thursday, April 6 will be the fourth month mark that Charles left this world and on April 15, we would have celebrated our 45th wedding anniversary.  We had so many plans for that day, after all, 45 years. Some are not awarded the luxury of living that many years.   April will be a touch month for me, but somehow, someway, I'll get through it only to celebrate his birthday the following month, May 9.   There was a time when April and May we two of my favorite months; now, there two of my worst.  What a difference from this time last year - I'm definitely not the same person.  I don't know this person - I don't think I want to know her - or should I say me.

 

 

[KMB]

Francine, I feel so much for you and will be praying for you to make it through these next 2 months. Spring was special for my husband and I as well. More time spent outside, enjoying the weather, cruising the property in our utility vehicle, sitting on the deck. You'll find a special way to honor your anniversary this month and Charles's birthday on May 9. That day is mine and Ed's anniversary. I have a couple of ideas for that day. I hope I'm strong enough to honor it in the way it deserves.

I've been making efforts in getting outside now to do the usual spring yard chores. It is mundane, automatic, I cry because my husband is not here with me. This time, last year, we were both enjoying the warmer than normal spring temps. This year is so bittersweet and lonely .It is the utter despair of loneliness that is the worst for me. I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around from total togetherness to being here solo stuff.

[Andy]

38 minutes ago, Francine said:

Thanks, I really need it.  Some days are just worst than others and this day is turning out to be one of those 'difficult' days.  Thursday, April 6 will be the fourth month mark that Charles left this world and on April 15, we would have celebrated our 45th wedding anniversary.  We had so many plans for that day, after all, 45 years. Some are not awarded the luxury of living that many years.   April will be a touch month for me, but somehow, someway, I'll get through it only to celebrate his birthday the following month, May 9.   There was a time when April and May we two of my favorite months; now, there two of my worst.  What a difference from this time last year - I'm definitely not the same person.  I don't know this person - I don't think I want to know her - or should I say me.

 

 

Francine, I feel your trepidation about April and May. April 4 is our daughters birthday and May 14 is Mothers Day. I feel so terrible for my daughter, her world was destroyed as mine was. Just nothing pleasant about anything, it's all changed forever. 

I'm not the same either, and you aren't the same either, but despite how you may view yourself, I think you're a very lovely person. I'm fortunate that I've been able to gather strength and insight from you and so many of the others here. I know where you're coming from, the absence of joy, hope, a lack of purpose or desire, it's a fundamental change at the very core of who we are. It's debilitating. Yet, here we are, looking for help and giving help, finding others just like us. Hang in there Francine, today will pass and the possibility of a better one is on the horizon. You have been a part of this journey I'm on, and I for one am glad I've been able to reach out to you, and that you've made a difference for me. 

Love and a really big hug,

Andy

[Francine]

Thanks Andy,

Your words mean a lot to me - thank you.   If any of my post helps someone through this horrific journey, than I done what I've set out to do and feel good.  I never wanted my pain and struggle to make me a victim, I wanted my battle to hopefully give someone a glimmer of hope. Thanks again, you made my day!

 

 

 

 

 

[Andy]

Francine, you're more than welcome, but you've done more than your share of encouraging, so I thank you. 

Love,

Andy

[KayC]

Marcel,

I've heard that too, that it's a choice.  I don't know about the happy part but I try to focus on something good.  Of course that all goes out the window in early grief, but still I tried my best to find something good in the day and I believe it helps us to hold and appreciate those thoughts.  It's almost like a redirecting of our brain and it does have last affect on us.  I know, at the end of the day, they're still gone and our world has changed, but I try not to let the doom and gloom swallow me. It's an effort, a choice if you will, each and every single day.  Not sure how good I am at it but I keep trying.

On 3/31/2017 at 2:17 PM, Marcel said:

I think I mentioned it before. Years ago I made a post about happiness being your own choice in another support forum (had nothing to do with grief).
The essence of it was that it's a matter of how much weight you grant the positive emotions and how much the negative ones.
I really try to focus on the good times we had more than the times we will miss out on. I'm not there yet, but I promise "I'm trying real hard to be the shepherd"

Marcel,

I've heard that too, that it's a choice.  I don't know about the happy part but I try to focus on something good.  Of course that all goes out the window in early grief, but still I trymy best to find something good in the day and I believe it helps us to hold and appreciate those thoughts.  It's almost like a redirecting of our brain and it does have lasting affect on us.  I know, at the end of the day, they're still gone and our world has changed, but I try not to let the doom and gloom swallow me. It's an effort, a choice if you will, each and every single day.  Not sure how good I am at it but I keep trying.  I've been practicing the effort of embracing what good there IS since day 11 so I know it's possible.