Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie
Sign in to follow this  
TaraLynn

Mother committed suicide

Recommended Posts

TaraLynn   

I have been my mothers caretaker for the last 3 years. My husband and I moved in with my parents three years ago to help around the house, grocery shop, help financially etc. After some adjustment period we all got along wonderfully. I loved being there for my parents, I considered myself lucky to be able to do that.

Last year my mother had a bad fall and really did damage to her back. Her pain was out of control to the point she needed two surgeries (which did nothing). She was in chronic pain every day needing pain killers, etc. Not to mention she was drinking as well from depression. She would barely come out of her room during the day. I might have seen her 3 hours a day. Then, she attempted suicide. My father found her, thank God. She awoke from a coma in ICU 5 days later. She needed a ventilator to breathe for her. It was a very difficult time for all of us. Especially her, because the suicide didn't work. She blamed my father for calling 911 and not letting her die.

She finally came home and things seemed better. She was up more and interacting more. She seemed in good spirits. I thought we had beat the depression and life would go on. Then my father was diagnosed with Esophageal Cancer about a month ago. It looks to be terminal as the tumor is very large. He has a feeding tube as he can no longer swallow. It's a terrible situation. Then a week later, her beloved cat had to be put to sleep. I think it all became too much again. She started to have 24 hour nausea which left her debilitated. Went to the Dr. and had tests done, they couldn't find anything wrong so home we went with no solution in sight. Between the back pain, the constant nausea, caring for a sick husband and her cat I should have been watching her like a hawk. She promised me that she would NEVER try to kill herself again and if she changed her mind she would let me know so I could be there to hold her and talk to her and be with her until the end. I came home from work on March 20th, 2017 and found her dead on the floor. Five days after she promised me she wouldn't do it, she did it. No warning, nothing. She died, in the dark, alone. I should have been given the choice of being there at the end. She brought me into this world I should have been allowed to help her out. I feel like dying. She was my world, my best friend. She knew me inside and out. I can't breathe and when I can I'm crying. She left me to take care of my terminally ill father all by myself.   I am having hysterectomy surgery in April and she won't be here for that either. So many promises broken. How could one be so selfish? I don't know what I am going to do without her. The only people who know my mom killed herself are my husband and I. Everyone, including my father, thinks it was a heart attack. We are burdened with this knowledge alone. I love her and hate her. I scream and cry in her empty bedroom as if my rage will somehow make her manifest and stand up for herself. Or at the very least, hug me. I know that we have all been through it and my heart goes out to everyone who is on this board. 

There has to be light at the end of this tunnel. There just has to be. Otherwise, I'm not sure how I feel about sticking around either.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Oh TaraLynn, I am so very sorry for the loss of your Mother and this awful tragedy you have been placed in. Your story sounds so much like mine with the suicide of my Mother. Not only rhe story but finding my Mother after she had shot herself. An image in my brain that never goes away. So many questions that will never be answered, so much guilt, so much anger, so many tears, feelings of abandonment. I violently cried everyday for a solid year until I was exhausted. You can't focus and you wake up thinking it was a nightmare but it starts all over. After 4 years, I have finally found a new norm and don't cry as often, but it certainly changes your life forever. 

Realize it wasn't your fault. It was a weakness within her own self or perhaps she was in so much pain physically and emotionally that God decided to answer her prayers and take her home to keep her safe and healthy once again. 

There is no way they could have possibly known what damage it would do to those left behind. It does turn our world's upside down and changes our views in life.

Be good and kind to youself. Get out of the house, join a group, get counseling, exercise, join a gym, volunteer at a nursing home and talk to those that are holding on but have no one. Talk about it as much as you can. Pray, pray and pray.

It is still so raw and new for you. It is going to take a long, long time to begin to heal.  Then even longer to find your new norm. Look how strong you have had to be. You will be an encouraging inspiration for those going through tough times. It is through pain that we learn our greatest lessons in life and find our greatest courage. 

Know that you are not alone Sweetheart. There are those of us who understand. May God wrap his arms around you and your family and give you comfort, peace and strength. Write anytime.

Sincerely, Sherry. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TaraLynn   

Thank you Sherry,

It scares me that it is going to take so long to stop crying, to find a new normal. How can I take care of my dying father when I find it hard to get out of bed? If it wasn't for my husband I don't think I would have showered or eaten since we found her. An image, as you stated, is burned into our brains. I can not image what you walked into with your mom and I can't be sorry enough you had to endure that. I don't know what makes mothers compelled to leave their children without a second thought. My mother knew I would be incapacitated by her killing herself and did it anyway. When I was at work, so I couldn't look in on her or stop her. If anything, she was a determined, stubborn woman. I should have know her time here would be cut short once her quality of life started to suffer.

I am mad at my mom and especially mad at myself and God. I am angry and full of rage one minute and a heap on the floor 2 minutes later. What a nightmare this has become because one person decided they would do something that would impact my life so strongly without even talking to me about it first. As if we who are left behind mean nothing. It makes me question her love for me. All those broken promises. Blah, blah, blah. And you and I will never know. Our questions will always be unanswered. We will always suffer with guilt and regret and the what ifs and the whys. Weren't we worth living for? How much fucking pain could she have possibly been in that kicking herself off this planet was a better option then being with me? Your mother with you?

I have an appointment with a therapist next week as I am truly frightened what I feel like doing to myself. I have always had issues with depression, it runs in the family, I was barley holding on as it was. It's already two weeks and I'm exhausted from crying. I don't think I can take a full year of this. Lord. I'm so desperate for peace. I would do anything in the world to have her back for 5 minutes so we could discuss her decision. Time machines should be invented just for us.

Thank you for your reply, it means a lot that you reached out to me. I am scared and hurting and need my mom to hug me and shes not here anymore. The world is a scarier place to be now.

 

=T

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

TaraLynn, bless your heart. You sound just exactly like me going through this. All your raw emotions are normal. I too was so mad at God. Before Mom's death, I prayed every night that God would watch over her and keep her safe and I felt like he didn't. But then maybe he answered her prayers instead of mine. Or perhaps, the devil and his power, worked on her mind. We will never know. I too was mad at myself. Was it something I said or didn't say? Something I did or didn't do? Didn't I tell her enough I loved her? Why did she want to leave me? She was my best friend. Didn't she know I needed her too?

I don't think they had a clue what it would do to us. But one thing I know for sure is that I am alot stronger than my Mother was. I have suffered from depression too and been through so many heartaches in life but depression and self talk is one of Satan's tools to play with us, so always armour yourself with prayer and love for self and your well being. 

Her journey in this world is complete and now she has gone on to the next phase in her life. Our journey is not complete yet. Your Dad needs you, your family needs you so be strong. You can do it, I know you can. I have realized that even though I get so tired and weary at times and feel like I can't go on, I pray, I sleep, I go to the happy place in my mind or get outside and enjoy nature and the sun comes up once again and I journey on. I have amazed myself how strong I have been and I know without a doubt I can survive anything now. By you getting up to love and care for your family is an inspiration to them and to us that understand what you are going through. Love yourself more than anyone or anything right now. You have too to keep your sanity. Be kind to yourself.

I am so sorry you have been placed on this situation. I never in a million years thought I would experience this type of tragedy but there it is. Everything in life changes, nothing remains the same. We have to deal with what's thrown at us and carry on. You are a survivor, a bright shining star to your family, friends and our Heavenly Father.

My thoughts and prayers will continue to be with you and I know you will become stronger each day. Remember that God knew you before you were even in your Mother's womb. He made you to love and to carry out a special purpose in life. Be strong, I know you can.                        Hugs, Sherry.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TaraLynn   

You are are a true comfort. I can't tell you how much I look forward to your response. You're so strong and full of wisdom and I am so thankful for you.

As sad as it is how we have connected I am comforted to know I am not alone. The amount of heart wrenching stories I have read on this board and the survivors who are here to help the newbies through this is amazing to me. I cry more often than not. Today was my first day back at work and I had to hide in the bathroom a few times to cry it out. Came home and hugged the "mom" doll I made with my moms pillow and her favorite sweatshirt. Some days it's tough to open my eyes, but you're right, I have my father to take care of and a husband to love.

I don't know if my mom is able to see or hear me, but I hope she can. I really want her to see the horrific impact her actions have had on my father and I. My poor sweet father who didn't deserve to be abandoned either. My husband is an amazing human being who loved her too and would have done anything to keep her healthy and happy. I'm not sure how she couldn't feel it radiating from us. 

Now I am scared that everyone I love will die. I don't want to leave my husband, or my father, my closest friends. I'm so codependent and clinging it's maddening. Did that happen to you too? I have therapy tomorrow so I am hoping she can help to walk me through some of this as well. Ack. A swift decision and you and I were thrown into a completely different life. How very unfair. 

Thanks Sherry. Really.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am thankful that out of this horrible experience I can reach out and hopefully help you and others in pain. It helps me in the process as well because I know we are not alone and others do care.

I hope your counseling went well. Continue to go and talk about your feelings as much as you can. When I went back to work, I too cried off and on all day. I couldn't focus on work and my mind wandered for a long time. My boss and co-workers were awesome to me and very supportive. Everything set me off crying, music, memories, places, movies, TV shows, and yes you become very sensitive and worry about your family and you hurt for their pain as well. 

Remember to take time and be very kind and loving to yourself because your emotions and nerves have been shattered into a thousand pieces and are still extremely raw. It's like trying to glue back a glass vase that has broken into a thousand pieces. 

Hold on tight Taralynn, I have faith in you and God is creating a strong, wise, beautiful spirit within you. A diamond is formed into a thing of beauty by pressure, cutting and shaping. You are that diamond. One day you will feel your sparkle again, have faith. Sherry.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
TaraLynn   

Thank you Sherry,

I had surgery last week so it wasn't much of a celebratory Easter this year. I cry a lot for my mom. I miss her terribly. Especially when I'm in physical pain, you just want the love of your mom and a mom hug to know you're going to be alright. It hasn't even been a month yet, it feels like an eternity. I hope this finds you doing well and I hope you had a wonderful holiday.

xo

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I am wishing you a speedy recovery. I know you do miss your Mom and you are right we never stop missing them. This afternoon I was wishing so much I could see my Mom and give her a big hug.

It is still such a fresh wound for you. You have been through so much. Even though they left us behind, for reasons we are not sure why, I am confident that they are watching over us, they will help us and they will show themselves to us in nature, sounds, scents, intuition and many, many ways. 

I continue to pray that God gives you comfort and strength. You are a survivor and remember to still be kind to yourself. Hugs, Sherry. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

Sign in to follow this  

×