Lost my soulmate due to a relapse

[Christy D]

On 3/26/17 I lost my soulmate to a drug overdose.  He was clean for well over year and last week he suffered a few downfalls that I feel led him to relapse. I don't know this  for sure but I am certain that if he did not start his use on Friday that it definitely was Saturday and he continued on Sunday which costed him his life. 

 I'm finding this really hard because I look back on past relationships and I have never felt like this for anyone. He even had me questioning if I ever actually was in love before.  I was with him the day before he died and I could tell that something was a little off. He's always had an issue with anxiety and had admitted to me on Friday  that he had increased his intake of energy drinks. His heart was racing so bad on Saturday and I kept asking him if he was OK and he just said that it has to be from the energy drinks and that he's  overtired and just really stressed out because of what happened throughout the week. 

 This is a man that I have never had an argument with and from the day that I met him until the day he passed he was always the same towards me.  On Saturday I knew something was a little off and then when Sunday came around he was a little distant from me which was completely out of his character.  After not hearing from him for six hours after pleading for him to just contact me because I was very worried I received a phone call from someone that was in his house and I received the worst news of my life.  

 I miss him so very much and I feel very lost at this moment and I just need to feel normal.  I'm hoping that someone can relate to my story without me providing too many details of my life with him and can offer an ear, in this case an eye and some feedback. I need the support.

 

[Solomon'sGirl]

I'm so sorry. Everyone here has lost their partner. Although our stories aren't exactly the same, our loss is. I've been through every stage of grief almost daily.. except acceptance. It's difficult to accept that this is reality. It's something that I can't go a day without thinking about. Sometimes I smile when I think of him, but I still cry every day. Some days are harder than others, but every day is strange to me. Something is always off. I try to keep busy because when I'm alone with nothing to do, I cry.. sob actually. You might feel alone, but you're not alone. We're here. Post as often as you want. Everyone here has been extremely helpful with whatever it is I'm feeling, which has brought much needed comfort to me. I hope you find comfort, too. 

[Andy]

Christy D, I am sincerely and truly sorry for the loss you've experienced and this state of grief you're in. As you know, words are inadequate to express my desire to help you, to comfort you, feeble as it may be. You don't have to disclose any personal details of any relationship, you don't have to say much of anything if you choose not to, say what you want, what you need. Ask what you like, the people here are beautiful, caring and compassionate, willing to share and advise with unfortunate insight. We are alone, but here, we're all together. We're all unique, all have different cultural backgrounds, belief systems, but loss affects us all. It makes us all empathetic to one another. Please, post as often as you like, it has helped me immeasurably, allowed me to see that I was truly not by myself in my sorrow. There are others who understand. 

Christy D, I wish I could help you with the "normal". I'm afraid we all have a new normal, and it's painful. My wife died unexpectedly on New Year's Eve. 7 months shy of 25 years of marriage, one birth daughter, one adopted. We were HAPPY, in love, at a stage of comfort and contentment I didn't think existed. My wife struggled and suffered many years with various illnesses, none of which, ironically, took her life. I was husband, caretaker, best friend and protector. I called 911 December 30 at 7:56 pm. At the hospital, during surgery in an attempt to save her life, her body, after years of suffering, and now experiencing multiple organ failure, passed away at 2:42 am. In that instant my entire world crumbled, my future ceased to exist. My daughter lost her mom, lost a mom who won't be there when she gets married, when she has her own children. I lost my best friend. My true love. The person who allowed me to be the man I became, I was better because of her. You don't need to tell me specifics, you don't have to. My loss, all the people here, your loss, it really doesn't matter the details, they're all the same in what they do to us. I'm still lost. I'm still trying to figure out who I am now, what it means to be me. I miss her every minute of everyday, my heart will remain broken until the day I too pass away. I will never be the same, none of us will. These things I know, these things I've accepted. Beyond that, I'm still searching and finding my way. You will too. All the emotions, the confusion, the questions, pain, sorrow, guilt, anger, it's all part of this big mess. THATs the new normal, but you'll cope, you'll learn to live with this, and we will listen, and we can try and help share the burden of this grief. It's all we can really do, and believe me, sometimes, it's enough. 

Peace, love and comfort to you,

Andy

[Andy]

43 minutes ago, Solomon'sGirl said:

I'm so sorry. Everyone here has lost their partner. Although our stories aren't exactly the same, our loss is. I've been through every stage of grief almost daily.. except acceptance. It's difficult to accept that this is reality. It's something that I can't go a day without thinking about. Sometimes I smile when I think of him, but I still cry every day. Some days are harder than others, but every day is strange to me. Something is always off. I try to keep busy because when I'm alone with nothing to do, I cry.. sob actually. You might feel alone, but you're not alone. We're here. Post as often as you want. Everyone here has been extremely helpful with whatever it is I'm feeling, which has brought much needed comfort to me. I hope you find comfort, too. 

Solomons Girl, I understand your sentiment about every day being strange. How true that is. I too cry and sob, especially at home, alone. My daughter has NO idea how much I actually cry. I try not to let on, but I'm afraid my demeanor has changed so much, she already thinks I'm not "right". Sadly, I'm not. 

I think I've accepted what has happened, but it hasn't made anything easier. I think I'm doing ok one second and the next I'm either crying buckets of tears or staring off into space wondering how things ended up this way. Reality. I don't have much use for it anymore, not this one anyway. I'm not particularly keen on finding a new one either. I liked my old one. Anyway, with all that, I am glad that we have this place to go to, to share with those who get it, who truly feel what we feel. 

Peace and comfort,

Andy

[Christy D]

1 hour ago, Solomon'sGirl said:

I'm so sorry. Everyone here has lost their partner. Although our stories aren't exactly the same, our loss is. I've been through every stage of grief almost daily.. except acceptance. It's difficult to accept that this is reality. It's something that I can't go a day without thinking about. Sometimes I smile when I think of him, but I still cry every day. Some days are harder than others, but every day is strange to me. Something is always off. I try to keep busy because when I'm alone with nothing to do, I cry.. sob actually. You might feel alone, but you're not alone. We're here. Post as often as you want. Everyone here has been extremely helpful with whatever it is I'm feeling, which has brought much needed comfort to me. I hope you find comfort, too. 

Solomon's girl, thank you. It feels good to know there is support out there. I feel like my friends and family doesn't understand exactly what I'm feeling, right now I'm not even sure what I'm feeling. I guess I should look at the different stages of grief. I've lost before but nothing like this. 

[Christy D]

50 minutes ago, Andy said:

Christy D, I am sincerely and truly sorry for the loss you've experienced and this state of grief you're in. As you know, words are inadequate to express my desire to help you, to comfort you, feeble as it may be. You don't have to disclose any personal details of any relationship, you don't have to say much of anything if you choose not to, say what you want, what you need. Ask what you like, the people here are beautiful, caring and compassionate, willing to share and advise with unfortunate insight. We are alone, but here, we're all together. We're all unique, all have different cultural backgrounds, belief systems, but loss affects us all. It makes us all empathetic to one another. Please, post as often as you like, it has helped me immeasurably, allowed me to see that I was truly not by myself in my sorrow. There are others who understand. 

Christy D, I wish I could help you with the "normal". I'm afraid we all have a new normal, and it's painful. My wife died unexpectedly on New Year's Eve. 7 months shy of 25 years of marriage, one birth daughter, one adopted. We were HAPPY, in love, at a stage of comfort and contentment I didn't think existed. My wife struggled and suffered many years with various illnesses, none of which, ironically, took her life. I was husband, caretaker, best friend and protector. I called 911 December 30 at 7:56 pm. At the hospital, during surgery in an attempt to save her life, her body, after years of suffering, and now experiencing multiple organ failure, passed away at 2:42 am. In that instant my entire world crumbled, my future ceased to exist. My daughter lost her mom, lost a mom who won't be there when she gets married, when she has her own children. I lost my best friend. My true love. The person who allowed me to be the man I became, I was better because of her. You don't need to tell me specifics, you don't have to. My loss, all the people here, your loss, it really doesn't matter the details, they're all the same in what they do to us. I'm still lost. I'm still trying to figure out who I am now, what it means to be me. I miss her every minute of everyday, my heart will remain broken until the day I too pass away. I will never be the same, none of us will. These things I know, these things I've accepted. Beyond that, I'm still searching and finding my way. You will too. All the emotions, the confusion, the questions, pain, sorrow, guilt, anger, it's all part of this big mess. THATs the new normal, but you'll cope, you'll learn to live with this, and we will listen, and we can try and help share the burden of this grief. It's all we can really do, and believe me, sometimes, it's enough. 

Peace, love and comfort to you,

Andy

Andy, thank you.  I truly believe that you summed it up by saying that this is the "new normal"and it's painful.  I feel that since this just happened Sunday and his service was actually yesterday on Wednesday it just hasn't completely sunk in and I appreciate the kind words and the support.  I am going to look into the stages of grief just so I have an idea what I'm up against but I know that we all grieve in our own way.  And I'm so sorry for your loss as well. It's an absolute shame that death and dying is a part of the lifecycle. 

Thank you truly,

Christy

[Andy]

Christy D, I do encourage you to gather as much information about grieving as you see fit, but remember, there aren't any rules to this, there is no wrong or right way to grieve (non self destructive of course), and no one can tell how you're "supposed" to act. Also, those "5 stages" of grief people often times refer to, those were actually the result of research done on people who were dying, NOT people who were suffering a loss. My point is that we're all different, we will grieve differently and all over the place. 

You are still in the immediate shock and numbness of your loss, things will be very up and down, new dimensions of this sorrow will pop up daily. Don't think about things that don't matter, focus on your health and wellbeing. One breath, one step, one day at a time. 

My thoughts and prayers to you,

Andy

[KMB]

Christy D---My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry for your loss. Andy is right, about being in immediate shock and numbness. It takes awhile to cope with those emotions. Our bodies and minds were dealt a traumatic blow. You need time to absorb and process what happened. Take care of yourself the best you can. Eating small amounts throughout the day if you can, staying hydrated. Your body needs the strength and self care to help you through. Go for walks for the fresh air and exercise. It will help you to focus and might even help with any sleeping issues.

Keep posting when you feel the need. You are not alone. This forum has become my life line. I hope it becomes yours as well. Only those who have lost a partner/spouse know what we are going through.

[KMB]

Solomon'sGirl, Acceptance is one of the hardest aspects to work through. I still haven't been able to get through that. The reality is front and center all day and night. It takes the mind a long time to comprehend how a person can be there one day and completely gone the next. The logical part of us knows the reality but our heart just doesn't want to engage with the facts. Somehow, we are surviving. All of us here will survive, through our own efforts and the support of each other here.

[Christy D]

 I appreciate the support from the three of you and it feels good knowing that I'm not completely alone.  What makes it hard is that we talked all the time about being each others soulmate.  I really believe he was and now I'm thinking what now?  I'm only 40 and have a whole life ahead of me. I feel like I waited forever for him to enter my life and now he's gone. 

[Francine]

 

Christy D

I'm so sorry for your loss and I feel your pain.   A person never get over a overdose death; they get through it day by day, sometimes moment by moment. Today it may seem like your forest is dark, the trees are sad and all the butterflies have broken wings.  Know that there is light in every darkness, the trees will bloom again and the butterfly wings will heal and the butterfly will fly again.

I know you miss him and always will, and you want to get back to normal.  I'm not sure what your definition of 'normal' is.  For me, I'll never be 'normal' again - not the normal I'm accustomed to. That 'normal' left with my husband's death.  Perhaps a 'new' normal -  a new kind of society, a new relationship to the earth, a new experience of being human. 

Trying to overcome addiction is one of the hardest things a person can do.   Drug addition is a strong disease and when threatened, can be deadly.   Don't hate the addict, hate the disease.  Don't hate the person, hate the behavior.  I can only imagine if it's hard to watch, imagine how hard it must be to live it.  I am sorry your soul mate's struggle fell short, but I hope you are able to forgive him; forgiveness doesn't excuse his behavior or let him off the hook for his actions, it prevents his behavior from destroying you.  When you forgive, you heal and when you heal, you grow.

I hope you continue to post; there are some wonderful persons here who are not afraid to share their stories while giving you support; comfort and encouragement. At the end of the day, all you need is Hope and Strength. Hope that it will get better and Strength to hold on until it does.   God Bless and keep you, keep us all, safe

 

 

[Christy D]

Francine,

   I appreciate the kind words.  One thing I can say is that I never had to watch him struggle with addiction as fas as going back and forth with it. He was clean when I met him and I supported him fully. I went to his home group meetings with him weekly and I assured him I was there. I hate feeling this lost. I'm numb, and then I cry, and get angry, and cry again, and go numb. My emotions are all over the place and I feel like I'm losing my mind with this hurt.  I don't blame him for anything. Last week he had a pretty bad week and it led to him relapsing. I just need to try and move forward at my own pace and be as strong as I can be. Thanks again for responding. It helps so much. Take care and keep in touch. 

[KayC]

This must have double posted, I replied in the other one, sorry!

[HHFaith]

Christy,. Feeling like you're losing your mind is completely normal.  We've all been there or are currently there. Today is 3 months since my Pat passed away suddenly. Those waves of "I'm going crazy" or "I'm losing my mind" are lessening. But all the other crazy emotions are with me, changing minute by minute. A roller coaster. It is all normal for what we're going through. Hardest most painful thing in the world but normal. Just need to go with it.   

[Andy]

On 3/31/2017 at 2:19 PM, Christy D said:

 I appreciate the support from the three of you and it feels good knowing that I'm not completely alone.  What makes it hard is that we talked all the time about being each others soulmate.  I really believe he was and now I'm thinking what now?  I'm only 40 and have a whole life ahead of me. I feel like I waited forever for him to enter my life and now he's gone. 

I'm 45, I think the same thing, roughly half my life and I'm staring at a giant question mark. Soulmate is such a lovely term, finding someone who compliments your being, who understands you as few others can, someone for whom a sacrifice is readily given, rare indeed. Hang in there the best you can, it's all any of can do. You are definitely not alone. 

Comfort and peace,

Andy 

[Christy D]

Today as any other day so far is going to be rough for me but this makes one week since my angel passed. I'm just lost for words right now, just wanted to check in with everyone and thank everyone again for the sharing.  

Andy-he definitely was my other half

HHFaith-certainly a roller coaster

im sorry for both of your losses along with everyone else's loss who have shared with me. I'm going to try to get through this day, like everyone says, "one day at a time" with anything anymore. 

[Andy]

Christy D, I'll be thinking and praying for you. We all need support, even if it's from relative strangers.  You're only a week out, it's more like "one minute at a time", so understand that being constantly up and down is very, very "normal". Hang in there the best you can. 

Hugs to you,

Andy

[KMB]

Christy D, Thinking of you and praying for you. I'll never forget my *first* week mark or all the others since. It's why I hate the weekends and fight hard to get through them.

We are all here for you. (HUGS)