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mary sledzianowski

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mary sledzianowski

since i've lost both of my precious boys back in 1999 i have grown to hate the mornings, I've grown to hate the sunshine. I want to find a place to live where it's dark from mornings to evenings. I'm so lonely i can't stand it anymore. Nothing matters anymore and i wish god would just take me home. I don't know how to live anymore i feel like i just exist. I have no ambition to do anything with my life. Although it's been a long eighteen years it will always feel like the day they died. I don't know what to do anymore...

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Tommy's mum

Oh Mary my heart breaks for your devastation and hopelessness. I wish I could be there to hold you and tell you one day it will be alright and you will find the sunshine and life again. I know because I was brought back from a very serious suicide attempt whilst drowning in depression and mental instability, and remember being very resentful because I just wanted peace and an end to the anguish. It took me a long long time to be able to see light at the end of the tunnel. You need some professional help no one should go through this for so long I am amazed and impressed that you have made it this far. That alone should tell you something, YOU ARE MEANT TO BE HERE despite the overwhelming desire to be dead. Please look at counselling and see your doctor for anti depressants to help lift your mood this daily suffering is intolerable isn't it? We have all been in that dark awful place where nothing and pretty much no one matters especially ourselves. I know I felt just like you describe existing not living and it is hell on earth. Are you single? Do you have family or friends nearby, or anyone who can help you whilst you are in this deep depression? I was lucky in that I had family support yet remember wishing everyone would leave me alone to die in peace.I would not wish that terrible time on my worst enemy it was torturous.  You may feel unresolved guilt at what happened with your precious boys and that is why you are unconsciously quitting on life and the effort needed in getting better. Not your fault remember that. Nothing you could do or say would have changed the tragic outcome. Having the strength to actually pick apart what happened with a professional is daunting and scary but ultimately brings a sense of balance and some measure of peace but it is incredibly hard and very painful. Your memories and feelings about what happened are buried very deep because of the time that has passed and seeing a professional will probably make you feel worse initially but it will get better for you I promise. Accepting that your beloved boys are gone (but not forever) and making small moves to improve your life does NOT mean you have forgotten them or left them behind. This is a very common misconception amongst bereaved parents. We will always love and miss our children but by accepting that life is changed forever and having the balls to confront life and grief and scream "You will not break me any more! I choose to fight you and make a difference in this world because I have had my child taken away and I am done hibernating, done isolating and feeling sorry for myself.  I WILL acheive something with my life I WILL make my children proud that I did not give up totally. I begged for death and was not given it so I am MEANT to be here, I am taking back control and you will not win. Grief you will not win. Please stay with us and let us help you Mary.

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mary sledzianowski

lesley, thank you so much for caring and i wish that i could give you a big hug. I'm afraid that i am at my ends with my life. I live in south carolina and i come from a large family of children, all of my family lives back in new york and one in virginia. They are the most loving family ever, i have five more sisters and two brothers (one brother passed away in 1987) my dad passed in 2007. I have a boyfriend of 25 years that really been bad, in fact i've been asking him to move out. I do not drive and i live out in the country area (kinda isolated) I was seeking professional help and was on medications for about ten years. Needless to say i quit both.I haven't seen my mom or family in over 5 years, they ask me to come all the time and i make excuses when they want to visit. I don't want them to see me this way, I've lost alot of weight and i look terrible.i hide from everyone, i have nothing lesley nothing the tears are rolling down my face as i type this. I am totally depressed and i can't for some reason make that move to want to live again.

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XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Mary,

i was so so sorry to hear of your anguish & the forever pain of the loss of ur two dear sons.

i do not know the circumstances ~ or if they were loss the same day ect ~~

i do know that I have walked in ur shoes ~

i, two, lost the two sons who gave my life meaning and gave me the strength to take all I have from the ones who I 

am supposed to consider family.

how I have survived I cognitively do not know how.

i want u to know how u feel is perfectly normal for a mother experiencing her worst nightmare come true double..

i care , 

No one really cares or if they do anctions speak louder than words. 

Anyway..

it is hard for a mother whiles has always just wanted to be a mom to figure out how to go on now that she is a childless mom,,

even grandmother..

im glad you found ur way here..

everyone her cares...

RAiNiE

 

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mary sledzianowski

i don't understand why i/we had to loose our children, It's been eighteen years and i can't get past it. I'm so lonely without them. Why god why? The heartache is so unreal. I want to find a black cave and crawl into it and never come out.I cannot deal with the pain anymore, they were my world and now i have nothing. I was the only one they could count on and now my world is empty and does not matter anymore I don't want to be lonely anymore

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It will always be with you Mary, and for me... I know that this is the most difficult thing I have ever had to go through in my life and it feels like my whole life is Swiss cheese, with holes all over the places where my son used to be. Sometimes the holes are really big, so big that all I can hear are my own cries echoing back at me and that is a very lonely and debilitating space.  Sometimes I get lost in that space and find it hard to function for days. It's very difficult and painful and can feel like there is no way out. I am sorry that we are having to go through this, and a lot of the time it feels like there is no way out, and that it is a maze of painful holes with no center and no escape.

It certainly helps for me to write down how I am feeling on good days and bad days. In my journal, I write in green ink on the good days (to symbolize growth and freshness) and purple ink on the bad days (to symbolize pain and sorrow) in my pages so that when I am having bad days I can write down how I am feeling but find green entries to help lift my spirits and find positive messages. The hope for me is that some day I will have more green messages than purple ones, though I know that the purple entries will always exist. 

Hang in there Mary, I know it's really difficult and that we don't want to be in the position we are in. There is no explanation for why this has happen to our children or to us, but know that you are not alone. Sometimes it's important to reach out to others, even if it's through a knitting circle, a clay class, a reading group... something even unrelated so that you aren't sitting at home by yourself. Your boys wouldn't want you to spend the rest of your life in pain and lonliness, just think of all the times they did things just to make you smile.

Putting my arms around you today Mary.

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mary sledzianowski

thank you so much everyone for the comforting words. Sometimes i get caught up in my own grief and forget to tell everyone here on this site how sorry i am for all the pain and heartaches everyone here is going through. I truly wish we didn't have to. I wish that i could give everyone here a big hug. From the bottom of my heart thank you all so very much.

 

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TearsInHeaven

Mary, I am just 2.5 years into my loss but certainly identify with all that you have expressed. It is the hardest thing ever to go from being a hands on loving mother and then have that crash around you. But stand up tall for being able to have navigated the last 18 years. The loss never goes away-- one thing I have learned is from the quote that THE HARDEST THING A MOTHER HAS HAD TO HEAR IS THAT HER CHILD DIED.  THE HARDEST THING SHE HAS TO DO IS LIVE EVERY DAY AFTER. If you are out in SC and your family is elsewhere, have you thought about moving closer to them? Perhaps having family close would help. Nothing will replace your sons' physical presence in your life but having those around who care about you might help. Your sons are always with you.  You carry them in your heart every moment. On the thread in this forum is a  section called Loss of an Adult Child.  We have some very kind, compassionate (and wise) parents that have lost their child(ren) many years ago.  They have stayed to help people like myself and even newer to see that there are shards of light out there and help.  We used to have a parent who posted often that called them "our spirit guides".  Whenever you want come and join on that thread. Everyone needs someone to help, listen or hug sometimes.  I wish strength for you.

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mary sledzianowski

dianne thank you so much for caring and i will check out that section (loss of an adult child) I'm so very sorry for your loss

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Tommy's mum

Mary this isolation both geographically and self imposed is not healthy you know that don't you? You said you have a loving family and it really sounds like perhaps you should take some sick leave if you work and go and be with the. You are a hurting very damaged soul and right now it seems like you could really do with being nurtured to help bring you back from the brink you are standing on. I totally get the isolation, I craved peace from the intrusive thoughts in my head and I became agoraphobic and only saw my kids who live in other cities, my parents and sister. I only left the house for a family party twice in 16 months and apart from hospital and dr visits and the odd food shop not at all. It becomes a problem because humans do need social interaction and friendships. I burned off some friends and i know that is my fault but that is ok.

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mary sledzianowski

lesley, you are absolutely right about the isolation, i know it's not healthy and i'm at a loss right now in my life, my family is trying their best to talk me into coming to new york this summer (august). My sister that lives in virginia wants to come visit the end of april . She wants to get me back in therapy and back on medications but i keep making excuses. I think maybe it's because i'm afraid if i'm happy i don't want my boys to think that i've forgotten about them. I've got so many mixed feelings in my head that alot here lately i keep thinking i just want out of this terrible life. I know it's been eighteen years since they died but i just can't get pass it. My youngest son asked me one time what i would do if him and his brother died and i told him that i would end up in a mental hospital. I feel like i let them down in their short life and i want them back so back. I will never understand why this happened to me or any of us on this site, it's just not fair. 

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TearsInHeaven

Mary, you are right about this not being fair but it is what it is and we parents learn what it takes.  Please know deep in your heart that your boys will NEVER think that you forgot them.  You know you could never forget.  But also know that finding that spot of joy, going and living a life they would be proud of is not forgetting them.  I know I cannot compare to the length of time you have been grieving as I am essentially new.  But I will share with you that the recent months have been defined for me as momentary glimpses of hope.  Yes, I still cry and cannot say his name without tears flowing.  I struggle to figure how this normal works and still fail at that but somewhere I feel that there is a feeling of seeing a peaceful robin, looking at a young woman with a small child and seeing a bond not a tragedy.  I still have my dark times and times I wish that this did not happen TO ME.  But it did and I choose to move towards the beautiful light of my son. Not an easy task and one I am not always successful but I am trying. You can to.  You have SURVIVED and you never let them down. Those boys are as important to you as always but letting yourself slide down into deep despair hurts you.  You will never for a single moment ever forget them.  You honor their memory in so many ways. Try to let the sunshine on those boys and their beautiful memories. If therapy is a good option, do it.  Let the therapist show you a glimpse of sunshine and how to incorporate it in your love.  Grief hurts and sometimes, as we all know, love can hurt but it also can bring joy.  Your sons brought you joy and the beautiful memories of them can do the same.  Sure, maybe some mourning but live in the joy of the beauty they gave you. Your sister is reaching out a hand to you. Take it and hold on.

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Tommy's mum

Dianne great words from the heart. Good days, bad days, around and around on the merry-go-round of life. The signs are clear that you are moving forward and not stagnating in the grief, and that is great. It is so hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I wish I could blow up each members tunnel to make their journey shorter and easier. I love your words that you gave to Mary -"live in the joy in the beauty they gave you" and "your sister is reaching out a hand to you. Take it and hold on."

Mary it is clear what you need to do my lovely.  Please allow your family to throw you a lifeline and grasp it with both hands, they can help you.Losing a child affects many many people not just the immediate family. aunts uncles grandparents and cousins also have a hole in their lives. I wonder why you do not seem to be keen on medication and therapy? is it because you want to control a part of your life when your control was snatched away in 1999? Being a parent is the hardest job in the world and you still have children depending on you which must be especially difficult. There is an old saying "If Momma ain't happy then no one's happy" and it's true. Often we are the lynch pin of the family holding it all together, and if we see no joy in life then we teach our children by example and they will grow with a Mom who  has been burdened by sadness. That is you, having a very heavy burden on your back for many years. Give yourself upto the love of your family and let them help to take away that burden for you. i imagine you must be exhausted by that heavy weight and you deserve to be free of it. Learning to live again is what your precious boys would encourage you to do. They would want their momma to be ok and will always be by your side silently encouraging you to allow yourself to be free and to get the help you deserve. Please realise you are a vital part of your family and are loved and needed, and give yourself hope that your situation can be reversed with medication and therapy. You will never forget your boys, they will always be a part of you and your family. You do not need to be punishing yourself honey it was an accident, not your fault. Keep strong

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Tommy's mum

Rainie hi I have missed you posting on the site recently are you doing ok?

 

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XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

THANKX Tommies mom.  

I'm as ok as I can be.  id like to tell what I just went thru but not here where everybody can see       

How are you fairing ???

Rainie

 

~My Rocky making me valentines dinner 

and my Ronnie at the beach ~

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Tommy's mum

Rainie have you still got my email address? I would love to hear from you and hope I can offer you support and help.Take care x

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mary sledzianowski

thank you diane and lesley for understanding me and for helping me. my two boys were all the children that i had. I think that i'm gonna try my best to move forward and have some sort of life, i know in my heart that my boys would want me to do this. Although i know that there will still be days where it will hurts, i'm gonna try my best to get thru them.thank you so much

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TearsInHeaven

Mary, good to feel that you want to move forward.  I understand wanting that but I know that it can be hard.  Don't give up on us here.  Come join us on the Loss of an Adult Child. There are some parents who have lost their children several years ago, like you.  That is an active thread and it has such good people.  I will tell you they have been my lifeline especially during those times when I was just in such a dark place.  So come when you have good things to relate, when you are sad, dark, angry, lost.   This awful journey we are on is long. It has so many twists and turns and places we do not expect.  And believe me, when you have a moment of something good we will all rally around. Don't give up and don't think you have to be alone.  Whatever outside help you are ready or able to accept is a good thing.  But sometimes, even in the middle of the night or early morning hours, get those feelings out. Sometimes that's half the battle.

 

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mary sledzianowski

dianne thank you for caring and not giving up on me. i will go to the lost of an adult site and join everyone there. thanks so much

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