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Whitebs2   

 

I married the love of my life in 2013, but after 3 years of marriage things weren't going so well.  I never stopped loving my husband, but alcohol and his untreated depression tore us apart.  The divorce was finalized last November.  Afterwards we still spoke almost daily, said "I love you," and discussed things we could've done differently.  In the bottom of my heart I hoped he would get help for his depression and alcoholism and that we'd get back together someday.  I was starting to doubt my decision to leave him, I know he still loved me.

8 weeks after the divorce he killed himself.  He was only 34 years old, he cut his life in half.  We hadn't even closed our joint checking account yet.   At first his family welcomed me to travel across the country to attend his memorial service.  They waited till after I'd purchased a plane ticket, one week before I was going to leave, to call and tell me I'm an "enemy of the family."  Obviously, I didn't go.  I didn't even get to say goodbye to him, the one person I've loved more than anyone else in the world.

  It's been 3 months since he died, and I am still barely functioning.  No one understands, they think that because we were divorced (BARELY!) I shouldn't care, "get over it."  I tried going to a counselor, it didn't seem to help a whole lot.  Everyone's sick of talking about it, they tell me that "crying doesn't change anything," "be strong," "you'll find someone else."

The night before he did it, we spent 8 hours on the phone (yes, 8).  Something didn't seem right about him but I couldn't put my finger on it.  I think he'd already made up his mind and wanted to say goodbye.  It was strange though, because we discussed plans he'd made for the future. I'm grateful I got to spend so much time with him before he left.

Its just so hard to accept that the final fate of someone I thought I knew so well ended up being such a horrible tragedy.  I think of him constantly, and wonder what I should have done differently.  His family blames me for his death.  I wish there was a way to fix all of this, I miss him so terribly.

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JosephT   

My situation is similar if you read my blog entry. It's been two months and a couple of days for me. Although her depression was being treated, I think there was some instability due to a recent medication change that obviously didn't end well. She did not drink. I am also constantly second-guessing myself because of the 11 years of being together and then the move-out, to give each other some time and space to work through things and attend relationship counseling. I feel like the move-out was the beginning of the end, but I also wonder if the exact same outcome could have happened at our house if we were still living together, since I was at work when she did it and the med change was going to happen anyway, regardless. I will never know the answer to that and she also took other answers with her, as well. Yes, so few people in our immediate orbit understand a suicide death and what all goes with it. I suppose in some way that's good because it means there aren't enough people killing themselves in the world for at least one person in our life to understand, but it sure makes going through this much harder, I can attest to that. It is going to take years to reach a new normal for me. For you as well. I'm just glad I made it through the first month, because honestly, and I don't want to alarm anyone reading this, but all I wanted to do was join her. I took my guns to a friend's house. I don't know if I'll ever go back and get them. I guess when I trust myself. I'm not going to push it. I'm sorry for his family's reaction to this. Fortunately, I haven't experienced the same. I also want some magic formula to fix all of it. I want to wake up in the morning and look around and realize that life is still good and that we are getting the relationship back on track as intended. That I just had a nightmare and none of it was real. After 2 months, I pretty much know that's not going to happen. I miss her terribly too. Beyond words. Even when the relationship wasn't going so hot, we were always best friends.

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Similar problem here too.  We were engaged and going to marry in a few months.  I broke it off because of his untreated problems.  He had voices telling him to kill me and himself (things got really bad).  He killed himself the night I left him.  His family hate me.  They blame me.  No one wants to talk about him.  My family members even told me that I didn't really love him so I shouldn't even care.  Freaking heartless in my opinion.  A young man that I spent 4.5 years with dies and I'm not supposed to care?  That makes no sense.

I would suggest trying a different therapist.  I went to 3 before I found the one I like.  

It's been almost 5 years now and things did get better.  I started doing more arts and craft things to keep my hands moving and my brain quiet.  Try to eat and sleep well.  Don't be upset with yourself when you don't.  Try to cut off the people who cannot empathize with your pain.  It doesn't have to be entirely, but it will be better for you not to hear that kind of stuff.  You need people around you who can help with grief, not push it away.

I am so sorry for what happened to you.  Please contact me if you would like to talk.

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I was married for 40 years before the divorce was finalized.  After six years of trying my best to try and get him to get help, I couldn't do it anymore.  He swore nothing was wrong, even though we could all see it.  And he became cruel towards me.  I was "this" close to following him down that rabbit hole.  This past Feb. 10 was the first anniversary of the divorce.  On the morning of Feb. 14, he shot himself with a rifle.  My oldest son found him.  My in-laws want nothing to do with me, nor do my youngest two children.  I don't know what I've said or done to alienate them, but I am SO thankful I have my oldest with me.  He's actually doing the best of all of us, I think.  He says it's because he wasn't surprised.  This all sounds cut and dried, but my fingers are screaming as I type this.  For better or for worse, he was my companion for 43 years of my life.  I am SO angry at him.  And I'm scared to death.  I don't know how to exist in a world in which he doesn't live.  It sounds callous, but I'm also broke without spousal support.  I can't work due to physical limitations.  I still live on the piece of land we bought together 31 years ago and carved out bit by bit.  I'm so scary, I suppose, that there aren't any friends around, either.  I understand that people are busy.  I do. I keep wanting to delete this post because it doesn't sound right.  But please know that I'm heartbroken, angry, scared, and alone.  I just want someone to "talk" to who knows where I am in life.  Please.

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