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Lost my mom recently


fletch14

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My mom passed away just 3.5 weeks ago, and I am just devastated. She was everything to me. She lived around the corner from me, and I spoke/saw her every single day. She has been sick for quite awhile, but I just had grown to think she was immortal or something and would still be around for years to come. I am just spinning in the various stages of grief and am doing everything I can to just stay above water. I keep having visions of her last couple of days - I was the only one there during some really tough moments where she was so scared/coughing up blood/etc., and at times I beat myself up and wonder if I could have done anything differently to have changed this outcome. It was also SO hard to see her so scared. Like I think she knew the end was here... I could see it in her eyes, and I wanted so badly to make it all OK for her. It just broke my heart that I couldn't fix it.

 

I have great friends and family, a therapist, and I am really leaning on my dad (who also is grieving himself)... but I just wonder if there is anything I can do to make this a little easier? Will I ever be happy again? I just miss her so much and don't know how to go on with my life.

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Hi @fletch14

I am so sorry for your loss.  Losing a parent is such an extremely painful experience. It sounds like you are doing everything you can possibly do right now.  You need to give yourself time to grieve.  This will take patience and time, but as the days progress, you will slowly learn to move on and you will have moments of happiness.  Its a rollercoaster of emotions where some days are really really low, but others are not so low.  Eventually, you will be able to think of your mother and it will not be so painful.  There will always be some sadness but you will also be thankful you had such a good mom and that will bring a smile to your face.  Take your time.  Be kind to yourself and take care of yourself and take each moment as it comes.  But I guarantee that as time moves on, it will eventually be less painful.  It just takes time.

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i came on to this forum just now, I guess misery loves company. Fletch14, I share your pain. I loss my mom yesterday to cancer, she was 67 years old. She is in my mind all day as I try to function as normal. I'm trying to gather pictures of her for the memorial and it just makes me want to cry every time I see them. 

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Thanks for your response @Dgiirl! Yes, it is so so painful. I just miss her so much, and I can't imagine a life without her. I am so thankful that I had such a good mom, and I'm happy to hear that hopefully those feelings will come more to the surface rather than the painful ones. Gosh, it is just so hard to believe that this is a part of life, and something most people have to go through.

@Lt1981, I'm so sorry about your mom too. My mom is ALWAYS on my mind. Everything I think about, it has the glasses of, my mom just died... it is constantly at the forefront of everything I am thinking and doing. I have heard that eventually, it becomes more the background furniture in the room rather than at the forefront. Was she sick for awhile with cancer? Looking at pictures just breaks my heart into pieces, so I completely understand. I just feel like my mom had so much more to live for, and she was taken too early.

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@fletch14 she was diagnosed about 10 years ago but had very successful treatments up until about 2 years ago. From then any treatment only worked for a few months before the cancer came back stronger. Eventually the doctor said there was nothing more they can do and suggested hospice. 

Yes I'm conflicted with the pictures. On one hand I want to see them to remember her but than i get very emotional. Last night I put a collage together of her and ended up crying my eyes out at night. 

I'm so sorry for your loss too, we are together in this though, everything you described is what I'm going through as well. It really sucks but like you said, one day it will be background furniture instead of the forefront. 

 

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Me too, just 4 days ago ..   ..I'm in shock and devastated. I could have written the original post. I was so close to my mom. I'm lost, trying my best....

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@mobb, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom too. It is just the absolute worst. I just can't believe this is a part of life... I don't know how people go on.

@Lt1981, yes we are in it together. It is just so hard... day by day I guess. We are waiting until the summer to do a service for her... but I also want to put together a video of pictures, etc... which I know will be so hard. But also good to see her smiling face. Ugh.

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SomewhereLost

I am 4 months into my coping. You can never be prepared with how to cope. I will say the first few weeks were rough, especially with the holidays-but I was also in survival mode of trying to think what needed to be done and how to help everyone else. I quickly forgot to be gentle with myself and was really good at putting up a front. I regret that now, because in recent months I'm dealing with current emotions and everything I held in.

In the next few weeks/months, just accept the emotions as they come. One at a time and don't fight them, they are waves that will take you under, but you eventually come back up for air and then the waves will become a little smaller each time.

I stumbled upon a book that I now read everyday, if not twice a day. It's called "Read This Till You Believe It", it only take a few moments to read, but it has helped carry me through the days.

 

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I'm sorry about what you're going through.  I recently lost my mom as well and she's all I think about, and really all I want to think about.  Even in moments of distraction, she's still there.  I'm not sure that ever goes away, but in time...lots and lots of time...it should get easier.  

I think it's wonderful you put together a collage of her photos, and that you plan on creating a photo stream for her service.  We had my mom's funeral a week after she passed, nearly 2 months ago, and I found it almost liberating to spend that time creating something in her honor.  It felt better than just grieving her.  My brother handled the photo stream while I put together a 4 hour playlist of fitting songs that she liked.  It was sad, there were a lot of tears, but focusing your grief in a productive way just for her can be therapeutic. 

Personally, I feel giving in to the grieving process is helpful in of itself.  It's a whirlwind of emotion, but all emotions that you need to vent and go through.  It's just going to be a difficult time, and some days will be absolutely miserable.  We all have a lot of love for our lost mothers, or fathers, and our grief is a display of that. 

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Butterfly2017

Hi, I too recently lost my Mom 2 weeks ago unexpectantly and I am struggling to get my head around it. She lived next door to me also so keep expecting to see her but instead I only have flashbacks of her last few weeks in hospital.

My thoughts are with you all as you too struggle along..

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I just lost my mom 1.5 weeks ago.  I'm new to all of these feelings. She lived with me and now I see things that remind me of her so much.  I knew she was feeling really bad and was talking death all the time.  She went faster than I thought.  I'm having guilty thoughts if could I have done more.  I guess I'm still waiting n the beginning phases of grief.  

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