Where to Turn?

[Fergie's mum]

Not sure if I'm doing this right? or in fact if I'm doing anything right at the moment! 2016 was an awful year for me in April the day before the 12 anniversary of losing my baby daughter my mum passed away after 4 years of battling cancer I was her full time carer and felt completely lost after her passing. Then in August my 24 yr old son Fergie (Paul) was home on leave from the army and went out with a so called friend but he didn't come home I was knocked up by the police telling me to get to hospital asap as Paul had had an reaction to something - I had to wake his two brothers aged 12 and 10 to take them with me but I got there Paul had already passed - omg I cant believe Ive just wrote that! it still doesn't feel right I couldn't just go and see my son as he was classed as a crime scene and I had to waiting for a police officer to let me to see my own son. The hospital staff didn't want me to be on my own with my boys so they suggested I should ring someone but who my daughter Pauls older sister had just had a baby 6 weeks before but lived a couple of hrs away so didn't want her driving early hours of the morning my dad has dementia so couldnt ring him so my 12 year old told me to ring my ex partner we had only been split a week but thankfully he came to hospital - there was so many questions to answer so many unanswered and are still unanswered having to walk away from the hospital knowing I was leaving the light of my life behind was the hardest thing I have ever had to do ! since that day I haven't had time to grieve so many things going on with funeral coroners inquest lying to rest still waiting on officially army plot marker to be laid so I feel like I am always dealing with something but not my grief - but then again how do I greve when I have to make sure my two boys are ok getting them to school and clubs when all I want to do is stay in bed - I think now they are used to seeing me cry at the drop of a hat but that isn't fair. My relationship never got back on track I couldn't deal with his or my families anger they just don't seem to get it ( if that makes sense) I make my dads evening meal every night just to make sure he's eating but most of the time I don't want too which sounds so awful when I say it but I cant help that - I'm even finding it hard to visit Paul as he is interned in the garden of rest and has his own plot but it hurts too much to go there I still cant go into his bedroom which is full of all his army stuff and pictures as he was such a proud solider and loved his job but seeing his pictures and his dress uniform hung up hurts my heart so much I just cant go in there. so sorry if I have gone on but I'm lost and cant see any light at the end of the tunnel!!!!

 

[Tommy's mum]

Fergiesmom you have had such a lot of tragedy and responsibility even before losing Paul, I am so sorry. Your life is filled with coping with the needs of others, your two young sons, your dad and your daughter and new grandchild that I am not surprised you have not been able to grieve for your mum or son. Splitting with a partner because of the stress of losing a child is not uncommon, you are both altered and fragile and emotional and I hope he can still be a support for you even if you are not together. You are an incredibly strong caring woman even if you are unable to see that for yourself, and you need to just stop and breathe and take one step at a time. Doing the jobs you need to do ie driving to school etc, preparing meals for your dad have to be done but is there anyone who can help you out? Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, see if some other parents could carpool your boys or make some meals for your dad. Is there any community support available, social worker etc? I see you are in the UK like me so may be able to get free help.If you are a member of a church they are often willing to support other members to help them get back on their feet. As for visiting Paul it is ok many of us find it hard to visit because it is too painful. Just know he is beside you as your mum is, every day, you have not lost them, it is just you cant see them for a while. Paul's bedroom  can stay as it is until the time comes when you feel strong enough to go in and does not need to be changed or cleaned out until you are ready to do so. there is no rulebook to follow no protocol it is when you are ready and that can take months and that is absolutely ok. Have you access to a counsellor or bereavement counsellor? They are there specifically for you and your needs and can sometimes access community support to help your family. You sound as if you are constantly on the go and run the danger of burning out. No sane person can keep juggling all those balls at once without one falling and you are the one who everyone relies on. Seek out help wherever you can get it,talk to paul and your Mum and ask them to help you deal with evrything then you wont feel you are forgetting them in the chaos of daily life. Decide each day which jobs are priorities and just do those, it is ok to delegate or put others aside for now. Accept that grieving is a longterm thing and that you can only deal with small chunks at a time. Crying is still therapy! It is too big to accept all that has happened all at once that is why grief is a journey and takes a long time before you can heal. this forum is an excellent resource hearing from other bereaved parents is so helpful. stay strong keep in touch

 

[Anthony's Mom]

I am new here. My journey has been long and my last loss is still very recent. In 2012, I lost my father after a very long battle with heart disease. In February, he was on a ventilator, but we were able to save him. I was his primary care giver, so it was hard, but only the first of devastating losses that followed. He died in June, after suffering a massive heart attack in my car with my kids in the back seat. My mother lived with us and in 2015 she was diagnosed with leukemia. As I watched my mother deteriorate, I never imagined that it will end so soon. The last part of her life, she was not able to do anything. I took her to transfusions, and hospitals for infections, surgeries. In January of 2016, she contracted C-Diff from the antibiotic she received to battle a really bad case of diverticulitis. She died in the ICU a few days later. But it was the loss of my 13 year old son this January that devastated me beyond anything I could ever imagine. My son was always ill and we always knew that our time was limited. My mother's death I think took the fight out of him too. June of 2016 he ended up in the ICU. That is when the doctors started to seriously talk about letting him go, but I was not ready. He stayed in the ICU for 10 days and we had a few happy weeks after. He had so many surgeries in the last part of his life and so much pain. He was on so many medications to try to ease his pain. He was non-verbal and very low functioning. He needed me for all of his needs. By September, he had so many UTI's. He even became septic a few times. He ended up in the hospital for 4 weeks with sepsis and we placed a port into him to help with all the IV's he needed. The port got infected and he got fungemia. We contacted Make-A-Wish and we had an early Christmas in October for him. His stomach, bladder and colon all gave up. He could not digest anything by this time, all medications and nutrition came in the form of IV. I wanted him to die at home, but he was no longer able to by the end of December. He would fall every time he stood up. Hospice ended up having to sedate him. There was nothing left for him, but to watch him die at the hospice facility. He regained consciousness only twice during this time. On January 3rd. his body let go and he drifted off peacefully. I still question every day if I could have done anything else. He was so tired of living. He kept pulling out his PICC line and the emergency rooms were telling me I am wasting their time having them place another PICC line that he was going to remove anyway. But without the PICC line we had no way to give him even pain medications. Palliative care and hospice helped me and gave me the strength to let go. I tried saving him so many times, but during those last day, I just sat with him while he drifted away. I stopped fighting. I know that is what he wanted. Getting my son off of life support was the hardest thing I have ever done, I know it was the right thing to do, but now I have to live with the guilt. The pain is crippling and paralyzing. I miss him so much. For years, I only slept 2 hours a night. He needed constant care. Now it is just so quiet. I have 2 more children, so I cannot fall apart, yet I feel that part of me died with him. I miss him more than words can tell. He would have been 14 next week. I lost my mom and my son within 1 year. They both have April birthdays. I don't know how to get through this month, but I know I must.

[My girl is in heaven]

Anthony's mom.  I am so sorry for the unimaginable pain and suffering you r going thru.  You have lost so many people dear to you and  have been such a dedicated care giver to them all.  I lost a daughter almost six years ago and I know what you mean that part of you died with him.  You did everything u could for your son.  I am new here too, but I feel us bereaved parents share a special bond that can only be understood by those who have walked this path.  If we all just keep reaching out to one another we can all make it thru.  I wish I had some wise words to share with you but I am still struggling too for answers. Thank you for sharing your story and the beautiful picture of your son. If I can help you in anyway, let me know.

[Tommy's mum]

Anthonysmom  Firstly I am sorry you lost your boy. Even though you knew your time with him was limited no one is ever really ready to let a loved one go. You absolutely did everything you could to keep him and the bravest thing you could have done was allowing him to slip away peacefully which by his actions Anthony really wanted. He showed that by pulling out his lines. If you truly love someone you let them go peacefully and you truly loved your son. Anthony is out of pain and distress now and he is by your side every day watching over you as you watched over him throughout his life. I love the photo you posted too.To have lost both your parents and then you boy must be devastating. I agree with Luannej you have been such a dedicated carer, and life must feel so shitty right now. There will always be a hole in your heart for your son but in time with grieving properly you will be able to see the light again. With other children it is difficult to make time for your own grief because you are so busy looking after the other family members, but don't neglect your emotional needs, you are so important to others and they need you to come back strong and mentally healthy. of course there will be this huge gap in your life because you cared for his constant needs night and day and now there is a big nothingness where he used to be. A family is forever changed by a death and to lose a sibling is so hard. My 3 adult children have not fully processed the death of their brother Tommy in 2015 I think they are too scared of opening up Pandora's box. I struggled for well over a year with depression and anxiety made worse by losing my eldest son and really hit the bottom of the abyss. Now I see a light ahead and feel more positive and alive but it takes a good long while. Just be reassured that did your very best for your son throughout his short life and make sure you take every bit of help offered so that you can gradually come to terms with his loss. Death is the hardest thing to come to terms with and you have already lost two very special people in your life so Anthony's loss will hit harder and probably longer. Loss of an adult child is the most active thread on this forum so please join us there. Luannej has joined us now and it is the best way to get help and support from those that have walked in your shoes personally ok?