Members BSL Posted March 28, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 28, 2017 I am very new to this forum as I have just discovered it, although my wife died of cancer 14 months ago. We had just celebrated our 25th anniversary in July 2015 and she passed away Nov 2015. I am grateful for this group of tortured kindred spirits in this forum who have also suffered the loss of a partner, especially because I have difficulty talking to people who have not been through loss. This is usually because I don't want to hear responses that are not helpful or even hurtful, even if the person means well. I also do not usually talk to my family about it that much. It feels uncomfortable. My wife and I raised 2 boys who are now young men in university. We communicate daily and the other great sorrow that I feel is seeing the pain that our boys have endured losing their mother, who gave her all for them. I need to be the rock for them, so, I will only reveal my feelings when I feel it would be helpful for them. Do people feel differently or am I wrong not to confide in my family (parents, siblings)? There are times when I feel I would get some relief by talking, but deep down, I know the only real relief would be if my wife were alive again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KMB Posted March 28, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 28, 2017 BSL----It can be hard to express ourselves to anyone. It depends on how well we know them, the dynamics of the relationships. It's really hard to explain emotions and the pain of those emotions. Some find it easier to post their feelings on a forum such as this one. We are faceless strangers sharing the common bond of grieving the loss of our life partner. I lost my father at a young age. I don't get along with my mother. She is a controlling bully. The one conversation I had with her after I lost my husband, she made it all about her. No sympathy and support from her. I have 5 other siblings that are, even as adults in their 40's, still very much intimidated by our mother. I just stay away. I don't need the constant drama. I have 3 adult children and a couple of friends who have stuck with me through this traumatic change. I come to this forum on a daily basis. Keep posting here. You are heard and understood. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 28, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted March 28, 2017 I talk to my family but in limited fashion. I know they can't get it since they still have their spouses. My mom understood but now she's gone too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sylvia GM Posted March 28, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 28, 2017 I lost my husband to cancer about 3 months ago, missing him every single day. I talked to very few people too as none has lost their spouse, they will never understand the feelings and pain I am going through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Sylvia GM Posted March 28, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 28, 2017 Oops...they will never understand the feelings Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted March 29, 2017 Moderators Report Share Posted March 29, 2017 Sylvia, I am so sorry. I'm glad you found your way here though. (((hugs))) No, unless you've been through this, you can't know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Francine Posted March 29, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 29, 2017 BSL, I'm sorry for your loss. Sometimes it is difficulty to speak with family and friends about something so traumatic and personal to you. I think I'm just the opposite - the hardest thing for me is not talking to people I'm used to talking to everyday. It's definitely hard, I truly get it, but I think what our loved ones leave behind is not what is engraved in stone on a monument, but it is what is woven into the lives of others. Your sons, no doubt, are also grieving in a different way than you and they too must learn to rebuild their lives around the loss of their mother; be mindful of the fact that your feelings just might be helpful for them right now and not later. Don't rule out the fact that talking doesn't help; it actually does and while we can't bring our loved ones back, talking about them to others keep them alive. If you feel the need, or just want to talk or be heard, keep posting; there are wonderful people who are here to offer comforting words of encouragement and support. I pray God gives you and your sons the love, strength and peace you all need at this difficult point in your lives. Stay Strong! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cp9042 Posted March 30, 2017 Members Report Share Posted March 30, 2017 Hi BSL. I know how you feel. I lost my husband to cancer 6 weeks ago. The pain is still pretty raw. I have tried to go to group therapy a couple of times, but each time I chicken out. I am just not ready. It makes me happy that you keep in constant contact with your boys. I have two of my own, although they are not close to me. They always talked to their Dad, and then he would relay what was going on with them. I try to call, but they are busy with their own lives. The one thing I miss most is skyping with them, they dont even do that now that their father is gone. It may just be they dont want to be reminded of the loss we have shared, but I dont know. I will have to pursue that soon. I do miss everything as well now that my husband is not here to share it with me. We need to just live for now, and hope things get better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BSL Posted March 30, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted March 30, 2017 3 hours ago, cp9042 said: Hi BSL. I know how you feel. I lost my husband to cancer 6 weeks ago. The pain is still pretty raw. I have tried to go to group therapy a couple of times, but each time I chicken out. I am just not ready. It makes me happy that you keep in constant contact with your boys. I have two of my own, although they are not close to me. They always talked to their Dad, and then he would relay what was going on with them. I try to call, but they are busy with their own lives. The one thing I miss most is skyping with them, they dont even do that now that their father is gone. It may just be they dont want to be reminded of the loss we have shared, but I dont know. I will have to pursue that soon. I do miss everything as well now that my husband is not here to share it with me. We need to just live for now, and hope things get better. Hi cp9042, At 6 weeks you just take it day by day, 1 foot in front of the other.... I hope you have friends or family that you feel comfortable talking to. Every family has their own dynamic and you have told me that in your family, your husband was the link to your boys. How old are they now? Are they far away? It must be difficult for you now and more so if you can't connect often with them. Your family has been torn apart! My boys and I made a pact at my wife's funeral, that we would always try to be close and support each other, for our sake and to honour their mother. I don't know your situation, but, I apologize for giving unsolicited advice, but, maybe you should let them know how you feel. I wish you the best of luck in this terrible time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members BSL Posted March 30, 2017 Author Members Report Share Posted March 30, 2017 On 3/29/2017 at 4:07 PM, Francine said: BSL, I'm sorry for your loss. Sometimes it is difficulty to speak with family and friends about something so traumatic and personal to you. I think I'm just the opposite - the hardest thing for me is not talking to people I'm used to talking to everyday. It's definitely hard, I truly get it, but I think what our loved ones leave behind is not what is engraved in stone on a monument, but it is what is woven into the lives of others. Your sons, no doubt, are also grieving in a different way than you and they too must learn to rebuild their lives around the loss of their mother; be mindful of the fact that your feelings just might be helpful for them right now and not later. Don't rule out the fact that talking doesn't help; it actually does and while we can't bring our loved ones back, talking about them to others keep them alive. If you feel the need, or just want to talk or be heard, keep posting; there are wonderful people who are here to offer comforting words of encouragement and support. I pray God gives you and your sons the love, strength and peace you all need at this difficult point in your lives. Stay Strong! Thank you Francine. My first priority when I talk to my kids is not to burden them with my pain and make them worry about me. So, I usually let the conversation flow and if they feel like talking or if I feel that letting my feelings and thoughts about my wife will help, I let it out. They are both at different stages of the grieving process also. I agree with you completely about the memories! It's all we have left. My wife's imprint is deep within our souls and I am grateful for that. I saw a quote from another grief site that gives me some comfort, "I do believe when people die their goodness, the good things they've done, they melt into your likeness and you become a better person for it." Billy Joe Shaver And I'm at the point in this journey, that, I do want to talk but I don't feel the people around me are able to hear it. I am glad that I found this forum because I do find there are few people to talk to that "get it". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members cp9042 Posted April 3, 2017 Members Report Share Posted April 3, 2017 BSL: Thank you for your post. My boys are 39 and 37. They live in California, and I don't see them much. I might move to California to be closer to my family out there, not only do my sons live there, but my niece who is like a sister to me. But that is one of the BIG decisions which I will have to make this year. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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