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Lost my mother....nobody cares


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Ok I'm new here, so bare with me. I lost my 68 year old mother, suddenly, on December 7th, 2016.....just 8 days before her 52nd wedding anniversary to my 74 year old father. Yes, she had COPD, but was maintaining her health fairly well. She had brain cancer removed almost 6 years before her death. She had recovered greatly!! Mom had been an excellent nurse for many, many years before being forced into retirement due to the brain cancer. That being said, she knew more about her health than us or the doctors. Mom got sick with pneumonia in September, 2016. Doctors wanted to hospitalized her.....she refused! The meds didn't help and she wasn't getting better. She was on oxygen 24/7 & we had it up as high as we could.......her oxygen kept dropping. She couldn't do ANYTHING without it dropping!! We put a bed in the living room for her. Then a bedside potty. She ate all of her meals right there. She couldn't even bathe herself without panicking because she couldn't breathe. (she sounded like she was drowning) 

On November 30th (anniversary of both my twin brothers death), she allowed us to take her to the ER. of course, they kept her for pneumonia and respiratory distress. Mom was always DNR. They put a bipap on her.....then said it was last step before respirator....mom didn't want any of that. By December 5th, they had her in an induced coma. She never woke up again. She passed late on December 7th and I was there, along with my father and oldest nephew. All my father could say was " I love you more momma boo " then look at me and say " I didn't love her enough " it was the 1st time I saw my father have emotions like that! And I am 36! It broke my heart. 

I saw things in that hospital that I probably shouldn't have seen. The moans and groans and " help me "s haunt my dreams. I was separated from my husband at the time, so I had nobody to lean on. When I told him my mother had passed, he didn't come to me. He was busy with another woman that was more important. I planned the funeral and all!! 

We are together now but I am grieving so hard still!! April 7th will be 4 months. When I cry over momma, I get told "its been long enough!! Deal with it and move on!" I don't have friends. I dont have family. My husband is sick of my grieving. I have no one to talk to...like nobody cares...

 

Sorry this is so long! I cried the whole through it lol anyone have any advice???

RIP Momma, I miss you so, I will always love and cherish you! I know you wouldn't want me this way......i love you Momma...

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Dear Friend,

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know it hurts. The pain and suffering after losing one of the most important figures in one's life is unbearable. Everything you are feeling and saying is natural and normal.

Please know you are not alone. We are all here to listen and support you anyway we can.

When you are ready consider talking to a grief counselor, joining a support group, or accessing any resources in the community or through church.

I know its difficult. Grief is a long journey. There are so many raw emotions its takes a long time for our minds and bodies to accept what has happened. Please know we all care about you.

Thinking of you. Sending you all my thoughts and prayers.

 

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I'm so sorry for your loss, and I feel for you not having anyone to talk to about it.  I'm actually infuriated people would say those things to you.  3 1/2 months is still very early in the grieving process.  And really, it doesn't matter how long it's been, or how you're handling it - everyone grieves differently.  You've suffered a significant loss, a life changing loss.  It's going to take a long time to adjust, accept, find a new normal.  

Just last night I got a text from someone checking in and he said something that never occurred to me.  He had lost his dad years back and said, "I know how people tend to forget about you soon after a passing." I've been realizing how quickly people forget you're still grieving deeply, how tough the day to day is, and how much you're still thinking about your mom.  But his words are also very true. 

On April 9 it'll be 2 months since my mom passed.  I'm 34, she was 64.  Those first 2 weeks everyone was so compassionate, checking in, treating me delicately b/c I was grieving.  After the first month, there were still a few doing that.  A month and a half and it's old news.  I feel like only people who have lost a parent will understand.  Not that other people can't be empathetic, but I'm beginning to not expect them to. 

I understand a little of what you went through with your mom having COPD and pneumonia.  My mom also had COPD.  She passed from complications of chronic pancreatitis before her COPD got too advanced, but it interfered with everything.  She developed pneumonia last year in April after aspirating while on a feeding tube (hospital stay from pancreatitis), and her pneumonia quickly turned into sepsis, she went into septic shock, landed in ICU on life support.  But it was that damn COPD that made it so difficult to wean her off the ventilator.  We didn't know it then, but that was the beginning of the end.  

My sympathies to you for witnessing that harsh combination with your mom.  COPD is like a brick wall when trying to treat pneumonia, or if there's any respiration problems.  

Don't worry one bit about the length of your posts.  See how long my response was?  It's all good!  Cry as much as you need and share whatever you'd like.  Whether you use an online forum like this or attend a real life support group, I promise people will listen and be supportive and sympathetic.  Even when the people in our lives aren't there for us, it doesn't mean you're alone in this. 

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@MissinMomma, I feel for you. Grief is a very isolating experience. When everybody else got back to their lives, you are left with your new reality. I have said it a thousand times - but 5 months on every day to me seems harder, and I miss my mom more and more. Every morning I wake up just to find out that it is not some cruel joke, she is still a first thing I think of in the morning and when I lay myself to sleep. 

What I find most excruciating is that death is so normal and natural in the sense that it happens to everybody and many people are touched by it. Yet, it is such a taboo that you have to hide your grief and pretend like you are back to normal. 

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