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How do I meet other widowers?


AceBasin

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How do I meet other widowers in my area (Charleston and Lowcountry SC). I am a recent (2 months) widower and would like to meet other widowers or groups for activities and discussions. I am a professional (late 50's) and have been involved in my community for decades in organizations and volunteering.  All the widowers I know are in their 80's or 90's or quickly remarried. The online groups I have looked at are primarily dating oriented.

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AceBasin---Autocharge gave a good link source. I am sorry for the loss of your beloved wife. I know the loneliness and empty void can be so painful. Have you tried local churches and hospices for support group meetings? You mention being involved in your community, so you probably know what is available,

This forum is a great place for expressing your feelings and thoughts when you feel the need. Only those of us who have lost a spouse truly understand each other.

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Thank you for your very kind and thoughtful replies. This is a wonderful group and it is a place where people truly understand each other.

After reading the posts here I discovered that there are many similarly situated widowers (and I do not ever mean to exclude widows, it just seems like grief trajectories and support networks may be a little different).

I have decided to call one of my physician friends tonight and ask him if he has other recently widowed men in his practice, and perhaps he can ask his colleagues. He would willingly host dinner or a weekend brunch for a group.

Shortly after my wife died, he told me to be very careful with my activities (nothing risky outdoors) and monitor my health as there is a very, very high chance of a serious injury or illness during the first year after the loss of a wife.

He stressed walking 30 minutes a day, sleeping uninterrupted for 8 hours a night, and eating five servings of fruits and vegetables a day.

A series of classes covering those topics would be helpful and provide some opportunities for social activities.

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There are grief support groups going in most cities.  I live in the country and it's never had one, I started one and we have eight so far and others wanting to join the next one.

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KayC---- You've done an admirable job by getting a support group going. I'm glad it has been growing and going well for you.

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AceBasin---Your doctor friend gave you excellent advice. Self care with exercise and eating right is crucial for our bodies and minds in being able to cope with this grief journey we are on. I don't know about the getting a good nights sleep though. Sleep appears to be an issue for many of us.   Take care.

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Thank you for the suggestions.  This is a link to an interesting article in the N Y Times about men’s mourning and the need for special groups: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/26/health/26grief.html

I am aware of our local and regional grief recovery groups. Statistics indicate that men, nationally, do not usually join or attend the groups. There are, of course, exceptions and I have a friend who lost his wife years ago, and met his new spouse at a recovery group, where both were adamant about never marrying again.

My physician friend thinks a local meeting of widowers is a great idea, and believes he can have a sponsor lined up in a few days, as well as local institutional involvement in identifying potentially interested members.

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KMB- My physician friends are increasingly concerned about the very serious health concerns caused by the lack of sleep or even interrupted sleep. It is such a hot button for my doctor that he has prescribed several low dose non addictive sleep medications for me, and has said their use is far less risky than not sleeping or having an interrupted sleep if the usual advice on how to get a good night’s sleep does not work.

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I agree with your doctor.  I didn't want to be dependent on something when my situation was permanent, I thought I had to get used to it so I toughed it out, sometimes only getting an hour of sleep a night and then going to work.  Looking back, I made it hard on myself and I recommend someone get a sleep aid from their doctor so they can better function and their brain will have more clarity.  Sometimes we NEED help!  There's meditation, lavendar, melatonin, soothing CDs, etc. but if that's not helping, see a doctor!

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Good news. We have a support group for men that starts meeting next month and is sponsored by the largest hospital network in our region, and will cover issues that men find particularly troublesome.

Interesting statistic: In an area with a metro population of around 700,000 they expect about six registrants in the 40's to 60's age range.

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Interesting.  We have more than that in our Grief Support Group in a town of 3,400 (the next nearest being 50-60 miles away).

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AceBasin, That is good news. A group being sponsored by a hospital is a lucky break .More resources could be made available by the hospital if someone requires extra help.

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AceBasin, nice work getting this together. Making something positive out of what is an otherwise terrible situation is commendable. You and your friend have done a kind thing. Being in SC, you aren't terribly far from myself (middle Ga), I wonder if your numbers represent a general ratio or if it's region specific? I'd also think that men just tend to avoid "depending" on groups, kind of how we're wired. I've thought about a group, not necessarily an all men's group, I think women in general are a little better at putting emotion and feelings into words, I really value their insight. I may find one locally, there are a few around here, our church for one, even our funeral home has a group for those suffering loss. Great people. 

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Hello Andy. The NY Times had an article that said in part :

"Simply persuading grief-stricken men to attend a bereavement group is still no small challenge.

“While there’s strong indication that grief therapy helps men, historically men generally don’t join groups,'” http://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/26/health/26grief.html

Almost every article or text I read says about the same thing.

One of the main reasons I wanted to join a men's group was to develop a network of local widowers. At this point I wold just feel more comfortable calling another widower and saying "let's go to dinner tomorrow" or "do you want to come over and watch tv tonight" than I would a woman that was recently widowed. Almost all of my friends are married and busy and it is necessary to plan in advance. The only widowers I know are 25 or 30 years older than I am.

The coordinator and Chaplain facilitating the new group are both women.

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I see, that makes sense. I can see where calling up a widow for a night out could be awkward. I was thinking more of a formal setting, a group scenario. I'm kind of in the minority that isn't comfortable with groups or new people.  Never been a "joiner", but this is something I could see being part of. 

 

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I'm trying 2 different grief groups. Both run by 2 different local VNAs. Both are specifically for those who lost their spouse/partner. One is all women and one is both women and men. Much different dynamic having both men and women. I think I prefer that group since you get different perspectives. 

I would highly recommend a grief group to anyone reading this. Though our stories are different, the feelings we share are the same. Just like in this forum but you're face to face. It's such a great support. 

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I agree, HHFaith.  This town has never had a grief support group before I started one, and I'm amazed how much everyone looks forward to meeting and gets something out of it.  I couldn't do it without the forums, everyone's collective experiences here bring an understanding that otherwise could not be attained.

The group I'm leading elected to just have women, above my opinion, the next group I do I want to open up to men.  There are some men out there that are hurting also, and I don't want to exclude anyone.  Besides, I think it's a more balanced perspective with both included.

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For those of you in groups with men and women, what is the percentage of men?  What are their ages? I value male and female friends and sharing experiences, but I just do not know any other widowers within 20 years of my age. I am in a reasonably large community and have a professional practice where I come into contact with many people.

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AceBasin, In the group I was going to, the men attending was slightly less than the women. i feel that with men, they have to be a certain personality type to be able to attend support groups.Maybe more on the sociable side.I'm not currently attending the support group. Very little interaction was allowed. The coordinator ran the group like a school room. Teacher read to the class and you go home. There were 3 men when I did go. The number of women varied each time. 2 of the men are in their 60's. Another man, in his 80's, quit attending. He was emotional, very lonely and alone in his home. The coordinator actually made an out of hand comment that he would probably join his wife soon.

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The group I'm in has about 10-12 people which they said is larger than usual. I think there are 4 men. They have all been sharing but one is pretty quiet. I think the ages range from 50s to 70s. I'm 53 and I think I'm probably the youngest. Also, I'm the only one who lost their partner to a sudden unexpected death. In the all women group there is only 1 other who lost her husband suddenly. The rest had spouses/partners who had illnesses before they died. The other thing is that all but 1 are under a year since their loss. 

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Thank you for the information. I had a classmate that attended a male and female recovery group some years ago. His wife was killed in an accident and his teenage daughter died of heart failure at the funeral home during visitation.

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AceBasin--- I am sorry for your classmate's loss. There are no words really for such a tragedy of losing his family. I hope he is coping as well as can be expected.

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Thank you KMB. His grief must have been unfathomable. He met and later married a woman from his grief recovery group.  Both had insisted they would never marry again. 

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AceBasin, I couldn't imagine your classmate's grieving with the loss of his wife and daughter. I think it would have been more than unbearable to tip him over the edge. But, it didn't, thank God. Getting remarried is by far not uncommon. Especially to someone met at a support group. I feel people who remarry do so out of a need for companionship. Despite early claims of not wanting another marriage. At my age, 57, I cannot see myself getting married again. My husband and what we shared, is on my mind day and night. I don't feel I could give 100% of myself to another relationship. I am only 1/2 the person I used to be, maybe even less than that. I wouldn't want to start over getting to know someone and possibly dealing with another persons emotional baggage. On top of dealing with my own from my loss. And there is that possibility of losing that person down the road to an accident or illness. I could not handle that again.

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KMB, I am within a year of the same age as you, and cannot imagine dating much less remarrying.   Losing a second spouse would be terrible.

I have known several men, usually late 70's or early 80's, who told me they were remarrying despite their children's objections "because I am so lonely I cannot stand it." It was probably mutual with each spouse, and they recognized the memories and needs each had. 

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AceBasin, It is understandable why some would choose to remarry. I live with the loneliness everyday myself. But remarrying is not for me. My father-in-law had a lady friend which was good for him, she was a lovely, sweet woman. My husband's mom passed in the early 1980's and my father-in-law was around the 70 year mark when he found his lady friend. She was also a widow. They played cribbage a lot and went out to eat. Kept each other company but didn't want marriage. She passed away from cancer in late winter of 2004. My father- in -law went downhill from there with his health and by the following May he passed. For me, right now, my loss is so surreal.

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Wow, KMB, no wonder you aren't attending any more!  How inappropriate to make a remark about that man like that!  I thought interaction was to be encouraged!  They need to feel validated, have a place to express themselves, give input to the topic at hand.  We are actually enjoying our group and getting a lot out of it.

I have a friend who married again, to a widower, they are very happy but that's always in the back of their minds, I'm sure, that they might have to go through it again.

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Our recovery group starts in early May. It will be held in a classroom at a local teaching hospital. The facilitator has advanced degrees in the field and there will be physicians monitoring on occasion.

I received a call yesterday from a physician friend who wanted to get the contact information to make a referral of one of his patients.

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i hope the recovery group goes well. I quit attending the local support group because I wasn't getting anything helpful. The time was limited to an hour and a half. The facilitator used all that time to read grieving articles. The meeting is held at a hospice office which is locked up exactly after the time allotted. No time for interacting, exchanging stories, expressing emotions, giving or receiving comfort, encouragement.  I have been receiving what I need from this forum, and hopefully, giving back in return. At least with this forum, you have the time to get your expressions out and to respond to others without a time allotment or the closing down of the forum. Time is not an issue here, which is comforting.

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KBB. I researched recovery groups in some depth. Indeed, many of them use a national organization's workbook and certification of facilitators only takes a few days. Sitting in a room and getting read to or completing a workbook while being read to is not something I am interested in either. Training of counselors available for individual sessions varies widely. They range from the two day wonders without an accredited degree to those with outstanding credentials and decades of experience. Even then, it may be trial and error to find a good fit.

I think that self formed groups with no structure are preferable to many of those read from the book groups.

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KMB, I will echo what you said about this forum being very helpful and supplying what is needed. I looked over the list of Kindle books on grieving and recovery I have downloaded- dozens of them. Only one was worth reading twice and even it was not especially good, especially after the initial shock had passed. There is just a simplistic sameness to all of them.

I have learned much from from this forum than I have from any of the books and articles.

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I have a workbook but don't use it, I don't find it very helpful and some of the material outdated.  I use what I've learned and even some of what I've read on forums.  There are so many articles out there that I've read and learned from, I might borrow a quote here and there but I don't just read to my group, we have interaction, everyone is free to jump in at any time, I encourage it.  We meet once every other week for an hour, that is out of respect for everyone's time, but people are free to linger and visit if they want, we've exchanged phone numbers and some even meet for lunch afterwards.  I do have one person that can tend to dominate conversation if I let her, I have to try to gently guide things back on track with her or no one else would get a chance to talk. ;)

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KayC, Your support group sounds better. Too bad it would be a heck of a long drive back and forth for me, Wisconsin and Oregon. I started out with the local support group for the obvious reason, to interact with others going through loss. I was also hoping to maybe be able to make a female friend or two, someone to hang out with. I could see after several meetings, it most likely wasn't going to happen, just because of the way the meeting was structured. Being held at night wasn't a help either. These small communities still have that old fashioned habit of rolling up the sidewalks at dark. No where else to go but back home and the others also had long drives home also.

 

 

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AceBasin, I have a few books here I have picked up also. Two of them were sent to me from a friend of my husband. One is written by 2 psychologists who lost their spouses and the other is about rebuilding your life after any type of loss, whether it be through death, divorce or job loss, etc. There are some good guide lines in some of the books, but it is still, at least for me and I suspect for everyone, an individual process. What advice/suggestion might be good for one person, might not be applicable for another. Everyone has different circumstances. Besides my dog and cat, I'm here by myself, virtually going through this alone. Small family that lives a distance away. Only 2 friends that maintain some degree of contact.I still find it appalling how many people can drop out of your life when you need them the most. Maybe I am not supposed to consider them as friends anymore.The chapter of life I enjoyed with my husband is gone. Everything has changed and not easy to deal with.

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23 hours ago, KMB said:

These small communities still have that old fashioned habit of rolling up the sidewalks at dark.

Haha, I thought you were peeking into my town! :D  My sister is from Portland and she came to visit with her kids (stayed in a bed & breakfast) and called me up at 9:00 pm and asked what there is to do in this town.  I didn't know what to answer, even the A & W closes up at 9:00 pm!  We're more early to rise, early to bed people, hunting, fishing, camping, hiking.  We never seemed to lack for things to do but it sure isn't like the city where there's museums and zoos and restaurants open all night!

I'm the same as you, a dog and a cat, family too far to drop in, friends disappeared.  It's amazing how much this changes our lives.

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