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Loss of spouse and friend


cp9042

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Hi, I am new to this site, but I am glad I found it.  My husband of 33 years died last month from pancreatic cancer.  He was really struggling the last month, but I still had hope that he would carry on.  He was such a sweet man, and he did everything for me while he was still strong and was able to do so.  We kept to ourselves mostly, who needed friends when we had each other, right?  But now that he became ill and passed, I find myself pretty much alone..  The pain I go through every day is excrutiating, and the sorrow is never ending.  Sorrow for the dreams that will never be, the life that will never be realized.  I know I can do these things myself, but it is beyond difficult to see my life without him.

We ave two sons who live in California, and although they would like me to move closer to them, I have a good job here at the moment, and don't know if it would be advantageous to do so.  I have some time before I make that decision.  Right now I just need to focus on trying to not cry every time I see a picture of him, and to make it out of the house.  At least I have a job, that takes me out of the house for most of the day, but as soon as I come home, the pain washes over me again.

I just wish I had him back, although I know that is unrealistic, it is all I think about.

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cp,

You are new to this loss, I am very sorry you lost your husband, but I'm glad you found your way here.  

Having a good job is worth something...my job ended shortly after my husband died, they went out of business, I never had a good job again, it was the beginning of the recession.  It's good to have some sense of community, perhaps try a grief support group, make a friend somewhere.  My friends all disappeared when my husband died, it's like people don't know what to say and can't fix it, they're uncomfortable to they vanish on us.  But I made a new friend at that time, and we were close for many years before she too moved away.  She lost her husband a few years after I did so we were able to understand and be there for each other.

Maybe you could visit your sons when you have some vacation time.  Weekends were the hardest time for me because that was my husband and my time together.  You do the chores and then what?  Everyone is busy with their families and you feel so alone.

I'm more used to the being alone now, but it was never my preference to go through life alone.  I keep busy, volunteer at the senior site, do the church' treasurer duties, am on the praise team and community choir, so I get out nearly every day with people for a while, but still eat alone, wake up alone.  I'm thankful for my pets.

I hope you'll continue to come here and post, it feels like a grief family, so to speak, people are close, we cut through the chaff, we bare our souls to each other.

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cp9042/KayC

 

cp9042 -- I'm so sorry for your loss and truly know what you are going through.  I lost the love of my life a little over 3 months ago and he was my world, my life, my all.  While I know he physically won't be coming back, my mind is still not wanting to accept this 'new' reality.   My mind is telling me that this a dream, to wake up and it will be over, but I can't.  (talk about wierd).  From your post, it appears you loved your husband and your both loved a lifetime.  It really nice you still have a job which can keep your mind busy.  Both my Charles and I had retired and were looking forward to our 'golden years' together.  No matter what it was, as long as we were together doing it, it was fine.   Now that is all gone and life, for me, is just existing; not look forward to anything or anyone.  Sad, isn't it?  But that's how I feel.

35 minutes ago, KayC said:

My friends all disappeared when my husband died, it's like people don't know what to say and can't fix it, they're uncomfortable to they vanish on us.

KayC -- I can really relate.  After my Charles died, I felt so did my friends; friends, I thought, I could always count on, depend on, no matter what.  I felt bitter then, but now I only feel  disappointment; disconnection and maybe surprised.   I think I'm using the word, 'friends', to loosely.  Let me refer them as 'acquaintances'.   When I use the word "Friend", it holds a special meaning for me - it means believing in someone and supporting them through the happy, sad and difficult times.   As sad as it may appear, I'm learning not to trust too much; not to love too much; not to hope too much, because that "too much" can and will hurt you 'so' much.  Not a good day for me.  :(

God Bless us all!

 

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You'll never know whether you have friends until something severe happens. My wife had a big circle of friends, most of them since teenage days or even early childhood.
All of them disappeared when she got sick.
Of course they all showed up at the funeral and said "call me if you need help". But why should I call anybody who wasn't there when my wife needed them the most.
I think most of us have to deal with this alone. We have to deal with funeral arrangements, monthly bills, forms, taxes, all kinds of finance and red tape when all we want to do is curl up in a ball and mourn.
I think this is why it's taking so long do deal with the actual loss and find a way to continue living. At the beginning everything is crushing down on us when we could handle it the least.
I know I will continue to suffer for a long time. But that's nothing compared to what my wife had to go through. So I will accept it and someday I will find a way to continue living.
I know she will always be with me through all of this.

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cp9042,----I am sorry for the loss of your beloved husband. My husband and I kept mostly to ourselves also. We always felt, since the beginning, that it was us against the world. Actually, that is one of the signs of being true soulmates. Which you and your sweet husband were and still are. Love never dies.

I don't want to repeat the other posters, just know that this is a safe site full of understanding, caring people. We all know the painful loss of our soulmates. (HUGS)

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Thank you for all your feedback and suggestions.  It is true, my husband and I were "soulmates", and we did everything together.  I am planning to see my sister in April.  She lives about 300  miles from me and I am scared to drive alone.  My husband always drove, but I have to find the courage to do so now.  Hopefully it will work out.

 

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cp9042---Going for a visit to your sister will be helpful. Comfort from your sister and a change in scenery is a step in the right direction in your journey of healing. You'll be ok. Your beloved husband will be with you spiritually, giving you the courage to make the long drive. Talk to him on that drive, he'll be listening.  Take care.

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On 3/27/2017 at 0:18 PM, Francine said:

cp9042/KayC

 

cp9042 -- I'm so sorry for your loss and truly know what you are going through.  I lost the love of my life a little over 3 months ago and he was my world, my life, my all.  While I know he physically won't be coming back, my mind is still not wanting to accept this 'new' reality.   My mind is telling me that this a dream, to wake up and it will be over, but I can't.  (talk about wierd).  From your post, it appears you loved your husband and your both loved a lifetime.  It really nice you still have a job which can keep your mind busy.  Both my Charles and I had retired and were looking forward to our 'golden years' together.  No matter what it was, as long as we were together doing it, it was fine.   Now that is all gone and life, for me, is just existing; not look forward to anything or anyone.  Sad, isn't it?  But that's how I feel.

KayC -- I can really relate.  After my Charles died, I felt so did my friends; friends, I thought, I could always count on, depend on, no matter what.  I felt bitter then, but now I only feel  disappointment; disconnection and maybe surprised.   I think I'm using the word, 'friends', to loosely.  Let me refer them as 'acquaintances'.   When I use the word "Friend", it holds a special meaning for me - it means believing in someone and supporting them through the happy, sad and difficult times.   As sad as it may appear, I'm learning not to trust too much; not to love too much; not to hope too much, because that "too much" can and will hurt you 'so' much.  Not a good day for me.  :(

God Bless us all!

 

Francine, I wish I could say these were mere acquaintances, but no, they were our best friends, people I'd gone the mile with, people we'd spent a lot of time with, been there for.  My idea of "friend" is one who sticks through thick and thin, this was my first rude awakening that they did not fit the bill.

Someone said this week, "If you have five good friends, you are rich."  I say, "If you have ONE good friend, you are rich!"

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cp, I hope you do go visit your sister.  It will build your confidence to do something you haven't done before, and I hope it gives you a good time away with someone who cares for you.

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14 hours ago, KayC said:

My idea of "friend" is one who sticks through thick and thin, this was my first rude awakening that they did not fit the bill.

Someone said this week, "If you have five good friends, you are rich."  I say, "If you have ONE good friend, you are rich!"

Ditto your post.   I thought I had that 'one good friend' - but like you, she didn't fit the bill either.  Oh well.  I guess 'Friends are like stars, they come and go, I guess you never really a lose a friend, when you never really had one that made me feel rich. Oops, I take that back,  I did have one,  who made me feel like the richest person alive - my Charles.

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