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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

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KayC   

I thought of you as I read this today...

Luann.jpg

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6 hours ago, KayC said:

Give it time, stay open, I believe it will happen for you.

The first thought I had was. I had to travel to California to find my wife. How far will I have to travel this time and how much Time is it going to take. Boy these unknowns are tough to deal with. 

Autocharge

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KayC   

Don't forget to relax and enjoy the journey.  They are not the destination, they are part of the journey.

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Date #4

Well date #4 with ladie number 6 didn’t happen. It seems that she can't find the time for me now and has stopped responding to texts. Back to the internet I go. Funny thing is I thought I was one date away from having a girlfriend. This is going to be a long journey. I just wished I could get feed back from theses failed attempts. Oh well such is life and the internet is a big place.  Stay tuned.

 

Autocharge (moving forward “ new normal”)

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M88   

Awe Ace, when I saw you'd posted I looked forward to reading it as I do look forward to reading how your social life is evolving. Then my heart sank.  I'm sorry this lady didn't work out for you :(  I imagine it would be difficult for a woman you don't know very well to give you the feedback you'd like.  She would know you are still hurting from your loss and wouldn't want to hurt you further. 

I treasure my friends of both genders.  I'm not interested in another relationship, but do enjoy the male perspective on life and world issues. 

Sending strength and hugs.. 

 

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KMB   

Autocharge, I am sorry the latest lady didn't work out. Do not let yourself stay in despair though. In your quest for another life partner, the right one will come along when you least expect it. Life brings us blessings in its own good timing. Keep your chin up and persevere in moving forward!

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3 hours ago, KMB said:

persevere in moving forward!

KMB, Your right I was disappointed and still don't understand the why. But like I said earlier the internet is a big place and just within the last 4 days I have been able to "talk", texting to no less than 5 ladies. I have planes to meet 3 of them for brunch/dinners over this next week. One I have meet already for dinner and a movie the next day which went good.  It was an early movie and we ended up spending (yesterday ,Monday) all day together and plans for a "third date" are forthcoming. Since I have commitments already, I will keep them but I'm not sure of what to do. I don't want to turn into a serial dater. The internet is a big place and it moves even faster. So for any one considering to do the "internet dating sites" be warned it moves fast and wide.

So Their is todays questions. What is acceptable when dating/meeting people? In regards to how many at a time? When dose one turn into a "player"? When dose being nice/polite turn into chauvinistic creep?

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal")

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KayC   

Autocharge,

I'm sorry it didn't work out and it doesn't help that you don't know "why".  Too bad you couldn't send out a survey afterwards like Amazon does, to let you know what it was!  Maybe it's nothing to do with you, maybe she just got cold feet.

I recommend Christian Carter's books/videos on dating.  I don't think it matters how many you date at a time, how many can you comfortably juggle?  Once you decide to be exclusive it should be a mutual decision and then it's bye-bye to all the others. ;)  Good luck!

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11 hours ago, Autocharge said:

So Their is todays questions. What is acceptable when dating/meeting people? In regards to how many at a time? When dose one turn into a "player"? When dose being nice/polite turn into chauvinistic creep?

My answer: I think each and everyone of us have to answer these questions for themselves. At least I was able to. For me after having a third date tonight (which was my birthday today) I decided to send a text msg to the other ladies and informed them that I had a good date and that I was not a serial dater , and apologized for any inconvenience I may have caused them.  Once again Im at the point of a fourth date. Stay tuned.

 

Autocharge (moving forward “new normal”)

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KayC   

I'm not sure why you'd text the others you had a good date, no need to inform them of anything as long as you've been up front that you are dating others, that's all they need to know for now.  As for "a player", don't even worry about that, that is someone with an ulterior motive that doesn't care about the people they're dating, I don't see that applicable to you.  No need to apologize to anyone for simply dating and having a good time, I don't see how that could be interpreted as an inconvenience!

BTW, Happy Birthday!

Today is my George's birthday.  He was 51 when he died, he'd be 63 today.

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KMB   

Autocharge,--- Happy Birthday!  Best wishes in your dating venture!

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11 hours ago, KayC said:

'm not sure why you'd text the others

KayC , I guess that it's one of my self righteous faults. I am a man of my word. I had made plans with these ladies and now it's best that I not follow through with them. I understand things change but I always try to the best of my abilities to keep my word. It was for that I was sorry not keeping my word doing what I said. The ladies have responded and in so many words they all said "Thank you for your honesty ". On a side note I'm going tubing down one of the local rivers this Saturday . It's part of one of these (singles) meetup groups and their are three ladies carpooling with me. Once again I'm stepping out of my comfort zone.

Autocharge

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KayC   

Oh I see, I didn't understand you were canceling plans.  It's good to be a man of your word!

Good luck with your tubing venture, sounds fun!

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Getting outside my comfort zone IV

This time I went on a tubing trip down one of the local rivers ( a two hour drive one way, that's local in Texas). This trip was part of a singles meetup group and I had three ladies carpooling with me. Ok How did it go that's the question, well it was slow and wet. LoL I have been on better rivers with a canoe before but that is why this was a tubing river I suppose. The group was 3 ladies and two guys including me. We had normal conversations and their was no flirting going on in either direction. The ladies did shear stories on past relationships ( a little guy bashing but not much). They did discuss the deaths of spouses of some of the other members of the meetup group, without knowing my situation. I never brought it up and they never asked why I was signal. It was hard listening to their opinions on causes of death and diseases ( cancer) and on how , when, why people should ,should not date or remarry. I was a fly on the wall listening to what “all these people say when you're not around”. I did want to stop them in their tracks but why , Theses strangers wouldn’t understand and it would have just soured the trip. I did learn that to those that haven't experienced the “loss” they don’t care if it takes one or two months or one year or several years to get over the loss. Too them life is still moving forward with or without us the “grievers”.

 

Autocharge (moving forward,”new normal”)

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KayC   

Autocharge,

It's interesting to see people's perspectives when they don't filter themselves for us...not sure I'd want to know their opinions though.  At the end of the day, they don't get it, they don't know what it's like to go through this and certainly can't know what's best for us.

I hope you enjoyed the tubing!

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1 hour ago, KayC said:

I hope you enjoyed the tubing!

KayC , Thanks and yes I did enjoy the tubing. Just one more thing to get me going, sooner or later all theses things are going to add up to me doing something. Add up to Some kind of "new normal" I could have never foreseen. I just got to keep getting out of my comfort zone. I took some time and looked back at my postings and it looks like I have covered quite a lot of ground. I still want this thread to help others if at all possible. So I'm  attaching a pdf file "Table of contents" to help those that want to know what all has been talked about with everyone on hear.

New comers please see "Table of contents" attachment and then word search this forum.

Autocharge (moving forward "new normal")

Postingpage.pdf

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KMB   

Autocharge, Thank you for sharing your ventures in moving forward and helping people while you are helping yourself. You are certainly doing this forum a great service in what it should be used for.

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18 hours ago, KMB said:

helping people while you are helping yourself.

KMB, Thanks "helping people while you are helping yourself" this is what I want to accomplish.

Autocharge

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Got past date number 4

Lady number 7, Go figure it had to be number 7 to get past date number 4. Well date number 4 was some time ago to tell the truth. It’s been almost two weeks now that we have been seeing each other and things are going good. I think the date number is somewhere around 7,8, or 9. It doesn't matter at this point , both of us have decided independently to stop pursuing others on the internet dating site. According to my standards I officially have a girlfriend now. I guess we will all see where this goes now (my Forum friends). There are certain aspects of this relationship that I’m not going to discuss on this forum because they are too personal, there's just no other way to say it.

I do see a time coming that the bridge of introducing someone to the rest of my family is just down the road a little ways. Here I do have concerns. I’ll talk about that in a later post.

A little about this lady, She has a name not just ladie #7. Her name is Carla. She was married for 25 years and lost her husband to a heart attack. She is a widow of 5 years and has not remarried but has dated. She has two grown kids that are living their lives like adults should.

And yes there is a lot of mutual understanding between us.

 

Autocharge (moving forward”new normal”)

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KMB   
50 minutes ago, Autocharge said:

And yes there is a lot of mutual understanding between us.

A quality so very important. With Carla being a widow, the understanding, the empathy, is naturally there. I wish you well, Autocharge, with this lady!

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4Hdad   

AC, I'm so happy for you! It's great to hear that you've found someone to take it to the 'next level' with and make it 'official.' 

For some of us, the beginning of widowhood is the end of our love life. That is a choice, and it's a valid choice. For others, finding someone with shared experience, in our own time, is an equally valid choice. It was important for me to come to terms with that. I knew I would not want to be alone for the rest of my life. I'm still in under a year and I wrestled with what that was going to look like. I didn't know what I was going to do about it, when it was appropriate, or how to go about any of that stuff. The choice, though, was pretty much taken out of my hands when I reconnected (innocently) with an old friend, T. Neither of us were looking for it, but we found something amazing in each other. Now I've fallen for her, and she for me, and we're navigating this new thing together. I've already made some mistakes with my family, but we're moving forward. I just have to keep in mind that I'm still learning to balance the fact that my kids aren't necessarily ready to move ahead in this realm with the fact that I am, and tread cautiously. 

Good on ya, AC! 

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Crossing the Bridge, introducing the grilfriend to the family

 

Ok This is where I need advice. Due to circumstances beyond my control. My daughter is taking a break from college ( hopefully just this summer). Hence she is coming home. I don't want to hide or not see my girlfriend. So I have just about a week and a half to figure out the best way to introduce the two at a minimum maybe even both kids ( together or separate). I did not intend to cross this bridge this soon. I’m in a bit of a panic writing this post. Man this is hard.

All comments welcome!!!

 

Autocharge (moving forward”new normal”)

 

Ps: I know I just posted a few hours ago but life moves fast and I didn’t see this coming.

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AceBasin   
40 minutes ago, Autocharge said:

I don't want to hide or not see my girlfriend.

39 minutes ago, Autocharge said:

 

Are you engaged? If not, I'd just introduce her as your friend and not explain too much. You never need to tell anyone too much too soon or make a very special effort to introduce them yet.

I would also observe protocols while your children are in the home.

If you start talking remarriage, it is, of course, a very different discussion.

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9 minutes ago, AceBasin said:

Are you engaged?

AceBasin, NO not engaged.

By "Protocols" I assume you are talking about signs of affection ( holding hands, kissing, making out and so on). I would think southern manners would be acceptable. But my real question is how best to make the introduction, I’m thinking maybe dinner were me and my daughter meet her some place “ neutral” maybe even a couple of times before she comes over to the house and even then maybe a BBQ and movie for a nice evening. I guess I’m thinking of warming the waters slowly. But maybe dinner is too long of an exposure for the first time for my daughter.  To long to short, dinner no dinner as you can tell I truly don't know what is right or wrong in this situation. Carla has said “ It’s ok I’m patient and understand”. So maybe it’s more me , I’m the one freaking out. Computers are a lot easier to fix. LoL

 

Autocharge

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AceBasin   

Autocharge- I encourage you to treat it casually and not to worry too much. Yes, by protocols I meant the same manners you'd expect from your daughter and a male she was dating if they were with you. I think any venue or activity you choose will be fine. Just keep it light and friendly and do not feel any pressure to explain anything yet. Saying too much may concern Carla or your daughter at different ends of the spectrum. If you and Carla would go to dinner I'd do that. If you want to have dinner or drinks at your house do that too. Just don't treat it as an observable big deal. It is ok to sweat, just don't let anyone know. Thank you for posting. This is a very positive issue to discuss.

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